Long Time Reader of This Forum, Need Guidance about Crazy Ex

[vols84]

Hey fellow ENA'ers.

 

I have a really interested situation with an ex girlfriend whom I had a very intense 18 month relationship with.. We were very close, had extremely good sexual chemistry, but due to stress with work and some family situations, I had basically run this woman off with my negative attitude and unpleasantness to be around. She ended things with me back in July 2017 after my verbally abusive behavior and negative attitude towards her. I didn't beg her back and accepted her decision. She had a rebound guy within a few weeks, still maintained contact with me, shared pictures of them together on different forms of social media that we are connected on. I didn't get jealous or anything like that, and focused on myself and gave her space to allow her to enjoy her new relationship. By giving her space, i wasnt going out of my way to contact her, but she kept in regular every other day contact with me. About a month after her and her boyfriend had started seeing each other, she happen to be out with her freinds and ran into me. We had a few drinks and she wanted me to come back to her place. (bad idea i know) At the time i had a few drinks and seemingly went right along with it. Well, we hooked up and she came out and said she didnt feel bad about sleeping with me or cheating on her boyfriend. This happened 3-4 more times up until october when I told her that i couldn't do it anymore. So physical contact stopped, but yet she persisted to contact me regularly. She cant go for a few days without contacting me, whether its snapchat or instagram, or other forms of social media. This has continued up until this past weekend, when she text me at 3 am and wanted to come over and have a "beer or two" at my place. I still havent responded to her, the best part about it was, she posted a selfie on facebook with the caption "my friday night consists of sitting at home, because the one i want is out of town" AKA her boyfriend. Its just crazy to me that someone can project an image of being a good girlfriend and staying at home, but in reality...Shes hitting me up at 3am. I may have failed to mention that back in august, while we were still being friendly and not hooking up, she got a little drunk and went off on a tirade that She believed I was her soul mate and that had i appreciated her more and not have a negative attitude, she would have married me and wanted to have my kids. I know she was drunk, but I feel like she was sort of pouring her heart out. All the while, shes "moved on" to this other guy. I dont know.. It just seems to me that for whatever reason, shes not getting everything she needs from the current boyfriend and just cant seem to let me go. Me being nice, I cant seem to just block her on all social media, but dont reply as regularly and quickly as i have in the past. I'm a little more nonchalant now... This seems to have only made her more persistent in making sure I hear from her.

 

Could anyone offer any advice on why, from a psychological standpoint, a woman would be acting this way? Cheating on her boyfriend and not feeling bad about it? Even during their "honeymoon period" of the first couple months of their relationship. Or is this woman just unstable and obsessed with me and cant let me go?

[Starlight925]

Could anyone offer any advice on why, from a psychological standpoint, a woman would be acting this way? Cheating on her boyfriend and not feeling bad about it? Even during their "honeymoon period" of the first couple months of their relationship. Or is this woman just unstable and obsessed with me and cant let me go?

 

Why is she doing this? Because she's a selfish, self-centered person. And/or, she's trying to get back at you for being verbally abusive (your words). She's trying to show you what you missed, and then throwing it in your face via her posts.

 

The more important question is, why are you allowing this? Why are you allowing her to maintain space in your brain, on your SM, in your life? Don't give me that "nice guy" crap. What if an extremely unattractive, pock-marked-faced woman started coming on to you. Are you such a "nice guy" that you'd have to allow her access?

[vols84]

Good points. I can totally see your point on her showing me "what im missing". That makes total sense.

 

Another good question.. I guess I'm allowing this because in my own messed up way, she meant a lot to me. Looking back now at my behavior and attitude toward her that led to the breakup, I realize how negative and verbally abusive i was. It stinks, but I cant take it back. All i can do is reflect and grow from me. You're totally right about not allowing access to someone i wasn't physically attracted to. I think its more of an emotional connection i have with this woman, as toxic as she is.

 

I've just never been in such a situation where this has happened, where someone essentially "lingers" after the breakup and wants to maintain regular contact with me, even though shes made clear to me "shes moved on". Every other relationship I've been in thats ended, whether amicable or bitter, has always ended with both of us fading away from each other and not remaining in contact. I really appreciate your feedback.

[vols84]

Why is she doing this? Because she's a selfish, self-centered person. And/or, she's trying to get back at you for being verbally abusive (your words). She's trying to show you what you missed, and then throwing it in your face via her posts.

 

The more important question is, why are you allowing this? Why are you allowing her to maintain space in your brain, on your SM, in your life? Don't give me that "nice guy" crap. What if an extremely unattractive, pock-marked-faced woman started coming on to you. Are you such a "nice guy" that you'd have to allow her access?

 

 

 

 

And one more question... In the last 2 weeks I have pretty much ghosted. I've not interacted with her in any sense of the word.. whether it be via social media, texting, phone calls, etc. She's text me late at night wanting to come over, commented on my posts, sent me snapchats etc... But again, Ive not taken the bait... Will she eventually go away? Or is someone thats that selfish just keep persisting until you give in?

[Jillstrand23]

Another good question.. I guess I'm allowing this because in my own messed up way, she meant a lot to me. Looking back now at my behavior and attitude toward her that led to the breakup, I realize how negative and verbally abusive i was. It stinks, but I cant take it back. All i can do is reflect and grow from me. You're totally right about not allowing access to someone i wasn't physically attracted to. I think its more of an emotional connection i have with this woman, as toxic as she is.

 

Don't you think you are being a little immature here saying that she means a lot to you but in the same breath wishing she would leave you a lone? Women can sense these things. She wants closure and you are not giving it to her.

[vols84]

It might sound like I'm being immature, but I'm just being honest... Its hard to get over someone when they mean so much to you, even if you were the one in the wrong that led to the breakup. But I know I need to move on and give space between us. This is why I'm hoping that she sees that I've disappeared and I'm not engaging her anymore. I feel like I gave her closure when I accepted the breakup and didn't get jealous when she immediately started seeing someone else.

[Wiseman2]

Until she solidifies things with the new guy she sees you as booty call when he's not around. If you want the nonsense to stop, tell her and block her.

[vols84]

Until she solidifies things with the new guy she sees you as booty call when he's not around. If you want the nonsense to stop, tell her and block her.

 

Thanks for your feedback. If a woman was just looking for attention... couldn't she find that attention with any man? Why be so persistent with me for months and months after a breakup? I think her and her guy have been dating for over 6 months now. Maybe she's just "comfortable" with me, so that why she sees me in that light. I'm "easy" and have been available to her in the past, when she's wanting physical attention.

[Jillstrand23]

It might sound like I'm being immature, but I'm just being honest... Its hard to get over someone when they mean so much to you, even if you were the one in the wrong that led to the breakup. But I know I need to move on and give space between us. This is why I'm hoping that she sees that I've disappeared and I'm not engaging her anymore. I feel like I gave her closure when I accepted the breakup and didn't get jealous when she immediately started seeing someone else.

 

Are you kidding me !!!! You took her up on her offer of wanting to hook - up, this is a joke post OP if I ever heard one. What do you want? You want her to leave you alone? TELL HER

' Please leave me alone and do not contact me ever again ';

[vols84]

Are you kidding me !!!! You took her up on her offer of wanting to hook - up, this is a joke post OP if I ever heard one. What do you want? You want her to leave you alone? TELL HER

' Please leave me alone and do not contact me ever again ';

 

The times we have hooked up, I've been very intoxicated. Surely you've been there before? Maybe you don't like to let loose and have a good time here and there. It happens. I did make the mistake of hooking up with her several months ago, but haven't since then. I agree with what you're saying about telling her not to contact me anymore. I think the next time she hits me up, I'm going to tell her to lose my number and not contact me anymore. Maybe even go as far as telling her if she does, I'll make sure he finds out about what shes been doing behind his back. It sounds petty, but I dont know what else to do if she continues to contact me after.

[Jillstrand23]

The times we have hooked up, I've been very intoxicated. Surely you've been there before? Maybe you don't like to let loose and have a good time here and there. It happens. I did make the mistake of hooking up with her several months ago, but haven't since then. I agree with what you're saying about telling her not to contact me anymore. I think the next time she hits me up, I'm going to tell her to lose my number and not contact me anymore. Maybe even go as far as telling her if she does, I'll make sure he finds out about what shes been doing behind his back. It sounds petty, but I dont know what else to do if she continues to contact me after.

 

That sounds completely fair. I think you have finally made your point. Happy New year.

[Starlight925]

How about you block her before she "hits you up", rather than waiting until she does, and telling her then. Waiting for her to contact you, just to tell her not to contact you, is not only passive-aggressive, but it shows that you really do want her to contact you, so your own ego will get the nice feels of her wanting you.

[DaisyMayPorter]

How about you block her before she "hits you up", rather than waiting until she does, and telling her then. Waiting for her to contact you, just to tell her not to contact you, is not only passive-aggressive, but it shows that you really do want her to contact you, so your own ego will get the nice feels of her wanting you.

 

I was going to say the same thing as LHGirl, block her before she contacts you. Also, do you have anyone new in your life who you can occupy your mind instead of her?

[vols84]

I was going to say the same thing as LHGirl, block her before she contacts you. Also, do you have anyone new in your life who you can occupy your mind instead of her?

 

I agree with you both completely! Thats what I'm going to do now.. .Thank you all for your input!