Lost and hopeless

[Durant67]

I am 27 years old and married with 2 kids. My wife quit her job when we had our first kid and hasn't worked since. She promised to cut back on things but never really did. She stays at home with our 2 young children of 1 and 3. I'm not rich by any means but make 60k a year and happy with my hours + current salary. Obviously I'd like to make more but feel like its a decent salary to be 28. My wife constantly reminds me that I don't make enough money and need to make more. I try to make a budget and she always says if I made more money we wouldn't have to worry about a budget. We can't even get in the closest or laundry room due to all of the clothes she buys for her and the kids. She constantly says the neighbors or her sister or parents just got a new car but I am having to drive one 3 years old. I think she believes more money will make her happy but she is just a miserable person. I recently told her I was going to cut the credit cards off and she said she would divorce me if I did. I currently owe 7k on the credit card and do not have enough in savings to pay it off so I will use tax money like I do every year. We've been married for 4 years and I had 40k in savings when we first got married and its just all gone. I currently have 3k in the savings account. I'v made appointments for counseling but she refuses to go and says she isn't the problem and doesn't need to see a counselor.

 

She breaks down crying and screaming at me at least twice a week saying what an awful person I am for not wanting to find a better job making more money. I am very happy with my life other than when she goes on these crazy breakdowns and makes a huge argument that will lasts a couple of days so basically we have one or maybe two good days a week. I love my kids more than anything but I am at the point of filing for divorce myself instead of living in hell. I literally never buy anything for myself. I can't remember the last time I bought something for me. I work 45 hours a week and just watch her blow every penny I make and its devastating. She never stays at home when I am at work and she might cook once a week and says she doesn't have the time. I understand the kids are a lot of work but she hardly ever cleans the house or does laundry. I always end up having to do that which isn't a big deal since it needs to be done but I just don't understand what I need to do.

 

She constantly accuses me of cheating on her as well. I'ts a monthly thing of where she will blwo up at me and stays mad at me for days. She goes through my phone like a hawk and has never found a reason to believe this but that doesn't stop her from accusing me. I have never cheated on her but from what i'v read her constantly accusing me means shes thinking about it or has done it herself?

 

She is just miserable and extremely jealous of other people and simply refuses to be happy. I tell her more money will never make her happy when she doesn't appreciate a single thing she has and that just seems to make things worse. I love her and my kids and can't stand the thought of not being with them but I simply can't take it anymore.

 

 

TL/DR. My wife makes my life hell and I don't know what to do.

[Batya33]

Did she bring any assets to the marriage? What was her job before she had kids? Since you have reasonable hours can she get a very part time job to have some of her own spending $? What is her long term plan as far as getting back into the workforce?

 

I was a full time mom for 7 years. Prior to that I'd worked for over 15 years. I contributed to the monthly income from my savings so it wasn't all on my husband. But of course I didn't have a child until I was in my 40s and I realize that having kids in your 20s doesn't give as much time to build a nest egg.

[pippy longstocking]

She is very entitled isn't she, good god ...What does she intend to do as batya asked , be a lady of leisure her whole life while you work like a dog so she can keep up with the jones's . I am a single mum , and been on the serious poverty line more then once in my life , I have been desperate and lonely with no where to turn so women like her piss me off more then I can tell you .

 

Stick to you guns mate about the credit cards ...to actually threaten to divorce you ..well let her go ahead , she is ridiculous and her blackmail is vulgar .

[DanZee]

Boy, it sounds like she's inflicting emotional abuse on you (the cheating accusations are always the biggest sign). And it seems like she's suffering from bipolar disorder (that's why she's OK for a few days and crazy for most of the other days). You're in for a rocky ride, my friend. Other than divorce (which will still cost you dearly in a lot of different ways), you will need to learn how to deal with her abuse.

 

The first thing you have to do is remain calm and collected. When she starts accusing you of cheating, you have to counter with rhetorical questions. "What makes you think I'm cheating?" "Who would I be cheating with?" "When do I have time to cheat?" "It's you I love." (Hey, you can lie a little to pacify her.) When she says you don't make enough money, try to get some sympathy from her. Tell her you know that you're a failure, and this is the best you can do, and how can she love a failure like you? If anything, these statements will confuse her. Don't try to stand up to her (the typical male reaction), try agreeing with her.

 

By the way, I would cut up the credit cards or give her a debit card tied to an account that you only put a fixed amount in each month. You've got to get rid of your credit card bill. And when she runs out of money and yells at you, just tell her you're a failure and you're broke. Call her bluff and tell her she should find another man who can make her happy. You don't have anything to lose at this point. I'm hoping she won't know what to say and maybe she'll comfort you.

 

There are more things you can do. Google dealing with an abusive spouse and you'll get advice about a lot of different things she may be doing and how to counteract them. Hope this helps.

[shessofly]

She is very entitled isn't she, good god ...What does she intend to do as batya asked , be a lady of leisure her whole life while you work like a dog so she can keep up with the jones's . I am a single mum , and been on the serious poverty line more then once in my life , I have been desperate and lonely with no where to turn so women like her piss me off more then I can tell you .

 

Stick to you guns mate about the credit cards ...to actually threaten to divorce you ..well let her go ahead , she is ridiculous and her blackmail is vulgar .

 

All of this...cut up the credit cards. It seems you are nothing but a bank account to her.

 

Was she like this when you met? (shopaholic, materialistic, etc?).

[thealchemist]

She sounds lazy and entitled. Your children are going to have a very messed up sense of what a relationship should be watching the dynamics of their parents.

 

If she isn't willing to work on anything in the least, which it seems like, I don't see what other options you have other than divorce.

 

Did a change happen or has she always been this way?

[Batya33]

She sounds lazy and entitled. Your children are going to have a very messed up sense of what a relationship should be watching the dynamics of their parents.

 

If she isn't willing to work on anything in the least, which it seems like, I don't see what other options you have other than divorce.

 

Did a change happen or has she always been this way?

 

I think it's fine if her work is being full time at home -that's more than a full time job - but then she needs to understand that more budgeting is needed and also that the OP is not required to compensate for the loss of income by being away from home more hours/working at a job that would not be fulfilling/would make him miserable. There is room for compromise but part of the compromise is that she doesn't have to bring in extra income (of course she is saving the family money on child care expenses)

[Jibralta]

I have a friend like this. She's never worked; no job is good enough for her. They were backwards in their mortgage, but they always had new cars. They could barely afford one kid, but decided to have two. She then decided that she needed elective plastic surgery--twice. They moved south to where things were cheaper, but her husband's commission got reversed and they ended up owing thousands of dollars back to the company he works for. They can no longer afford their house, but they are onto child #3, due next month. It's crazy.

 

I think you just have to stand up to her and tell her NO. Then let her have a temper tantrum or whatever but don't back down. I don't know how you get out of a situation like that. Divorce is just going to be more money gone.

[Snny]

I recently told her I was going to cut the credit cards off and she said she would divorce me if I did.

"Get a job or I'm bringing home the papers and the family attorney" would of been my response. She wants to threaten with divorce, go right ***ing ahead. Blessing in disguise.

 

If she wants shopping independence then she needs to earn it too.

 

Your wife sucks. Cut the credit cards. File the divorce before she placed you into further debt.

[thealchemist]

"Get a job or I'm bringing home the papers and the family attorney" would of been my response. She wants to threaten with divorce, go right ***ing ahead. Blessing in disguise.

 

If she wants shopping independence then she needs to earn it too.

 

Your wife sucks. Cut the credit cards. File the divorce before she placed you into further debt.

My sentiments exactly

[Snny]

Actually, divorce could backfire.

If the court sides with the mother on custody (70% of the time moms usually win) he loses even more money on the lawyer/court fees AND pays for child support.

 

I would talk to a reputable law firm on your options here.

[seanryder]

I love her and my kids and can't stand the thought of not being with them but I simply can't take it anymore.

 

I absolutely understand you love your kids and can't stand the thought of being away from them......but you also say you love her....what exactly do you love about her?