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i recently had a thread regarding my breakup with my ex and finally after 6mths, i met someone new and slowly opening my heart to someone again...

 

i finally am feeling a little better, having lesser thoughts about her and spending more time with the new girl. i always felt that there is some barrier between me and the new girl though.. i havent got over my ex completely, i still care alot about her but i dont want to be back with her anymore.

 

i initiated contact few weeks back asking about her progress at work and was happy to hear that she was doing fine. i contacted her today again, asking about a purchase we made long ago and the delivery was sent to her house.. and we chatted a little bit more and she told me she was struggling with work. it kind of validated my feelings... i was worried about her, and i really wanted to just help her.. i may still be angry over what she did, but ultimately i still want good for her.

 

am i sabotaging my own progress? am i doing the wrong thing?

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You have met someone new and are moving on with that. Sure, you are not totally over the ex, but you have given it long enough to at leat be wanting to move on and not want her back.

 

But... I don't think you should begin pushing to get back in her life, even as a friend, because you now have someone else to focus on. How would you feel if your new girl starts posting something along the lines of, 'My new BF is still contacting his ex.'

 

If you have any emotional connection to her left, which you do as you are still not fully over her and are still angry, then limit your contact as much as possible. When you can look back and think, 'That was a time in my life I will never forget, and sure she wronged me but I don't care anymore,' then you are over her and can even start a friendship if that is what you want.

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You're asking if it right, which means you feel it isn't, but want validation.

I do think you don't want to be with her, but at the same time you do have feelings.

It isn't your responsibility to help her or be there, and she's not the one initiating contact,

so it's best to refrain from getting in contact with her, at least until all feelings are resolved.

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Hi Joker,

 

She betrayed you and hurt you right?

 

My advice, go/ stay total NC with her and move on with your life...

 

 

Best of luck :)

 

 

yes sputnik buddy, thank you..

i thought i could be a bigger person and try to be there for her. total NC would be difficult as we would see each other at work next week onwards.

i guess i would try to stay away..

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You have met someone new and are moving on with that. Sure, you are not totally over the ex, but you have given it long enough to at leat be wanting to move on and not want her back.

 

But... I don't think you should begin pushing to get back in her life, even as a friend, because you now have someone else to focus on. How would you feel if your new girl starts posting something along the lines of, 'My new BF is still contacting his ex.'

 

If you have any emotional connection to her left, which you do as you are still not fully over her and are still angry, then limit your contact as much as possible. When you can look back and think, 'That was a time in my life I will never forget, and sure she wronged me but I don't care anymore,' then you are over her and can even start a friendship if that is what you want.

 

thanks man.. i actually had a talk with my current gf yesterday about my ex. i told her that i am not being fair to her as i still have thoughts about my ex.

we were open about it as she too broke up with her ex around the same time as i did.

ok i will limit contact with her.. my feelings and emotions are still unresolved.

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You're asking if it right, which means you feel it isn't, but want validation.

I do think you don't want to be with her, but at the same time you do have feelings.

It isn't your responsibility to help her or be there, and she's not the one initiating contact,

so it's best to refrain from getting in contact with her, at least until all feelings are resolved.

 

 

u are right sweetgirl :( i know it is wrong, coz i am just impeding my own progress.. but i really wanted to be a friend for her.

is it even possible to get to a point whereby there would be no longer complicated feelings about her/us anymore and really just be friends?

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yes sputnik buddy, thank you..

i thought i could be a bigger person and try to be there for her. total NC would be difficult as we would see each other at work next week onwards.

i guess i would try to stay away..

 

Anytime buddy.

 

You are already the bigger person by getting on with your life and being happy

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Whatever her issue or problems are in her life they are her responsibility, not yours.

 

She broke up with you and really was not all that nice to you.

So you take care of yourself and move on, you owe this person nothing.

 

Yes, we all want to think of ourselves as a "good" person but rewarding poor treatment or behavior from an ex is not in your job description.

 

Really move forward, have nothing to do with this person.

 

I wish you luck with the new woman...

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thank you all for your replies..

to tell the truth i am not happy yet, i still cry at the thought of us once a awhile. yes, i am moving forward but i certainly have not moved on. but i know forward is the only direction and only choice i have.

similar to many of us here, we had been a pillar of support to our ex, we were each other’s everything for a good period of time.. so it’s gonna take a long while for us to get used to disposing this role. but yes.. i will continue moving forward until the image and shadow of our memories are so blur..

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u are right sweetgirl :( i know it is wrong, coz i am just impeding my own progress.. but i really wanted to be a friend for her.

is it even possible to get to a point whereby there would be no longer complicated feelings about her/us anymore and really just be friends?

 

It is possible, but you both need to feel indifferent towards one another.

If there are any lingering feelings of attraction or a desire to be together , it won't work.

When you completely move on, you most likely will find it easy to be friends.

And by then, you might decide you don't even want to be.

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thanks for that Joker..

 

It does lend good perspective on it. :)

 

Yes sputnik, it came at a good time.. i guess we have to keep going back for reminders.

just a short update.. i briefly saw her walk past me at work today and i pretended to not see her. heard from my colleagues again that she isnt doing well. had to resist the urge to check on her.. the hardest part for me is really having to not care for her anymore.. :(

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Hello Joker,

 

That must be tough. One of the main things that has helped me is "falling off her planet", so I haven't seen her for nearly 3 months now.

 

You can care about her buddy.. you just can't tell her you do. I'm sure she knows.

 

Stay strong mate.

 

Thanks buddy. Well it’s hard to totally fall off her planet since we revolve around the same sun (work).. I didnt see her for a good 2months+, healed a fair bit but now its back to haunt me since she’s back at workplace.

I have to admit though, her effect on me has definitely lessened.. I no longer feeling sick in gut when i see her, i kind of accepted her relationship with the new guy, i cry less often..

But she f*cked me up quite badly.. i was always an open book, but my ex.. she’d always changed her words. she lied.. till a point i finally stopped finding excuses for her. but i have serious trust issues now. I have trouble trusting the new girl, I know i shouldnt compare and blame a new one for something the old one did, so i am working on it... i hope this new relationship im building will be healthy.

A big part of me doesnt want my ex back anymore, i accept that things wouldnt be the same again.. but you know this small crazy part of u? that one that whispers.... “hey maybe she will leave him one day and realize her wrong.. maybe fate will bring us back together... maybe...”

it’s stupid i know. and it’s not fair to my current gf.. i am trying to keep the devil out.. but it still haunts me.

we dont stop caring for someone.. no matter how much they did us wrong :( i wished i had been more cold blooded.. i wished i could just really treat like i never knew her at all..

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Hello mate,

"I have to admit though, her effect on me has definitely lessened.. I no longer feeling sick in gut when i see her, i kind of accepted her relationship with the new guy, i cry less often.."

- This is decent progress. Remember that. It must be very tough with the ex at the workplace, so I don't envy it. If you do need to cry though, it's important to let it out when it comes.

"But she f*cked me up quite badly"

- I hear you loud and clear! Mine did quite a number on me, to be honest. My friends and family openly tell me it will be difficult for me to trust again.

"A big part of me doesnt want my ex back anymore, i accept that things wouldnt be the same again.. but you know this small crazy part of u? that one that whispers"

- Ditto.. it's madness isn't it. I have now fed that small crazy part to a crocodile..

Haunts is a word that covers it well, but it means you are a decent human being.

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