Fallen for a much older guy (22 year gap relationship)... advice when it comes to parents please.

[Blahblah3]

As luck may have it, I wasn't looking for someone then next thing I know I find the perfect person. I'm a 23 y/o female and he's 45. Now let's break down all the stereotypes....

He has never been married and has no children - main reason for never having been married is because his job required him to be in different countries on a regular basis, although he has had long term relationships. We share the exact views when it comes to marriage, I'm not sure if he is for or against having children but from what I've gathered, I don't think he is opposed it if he were in a marriage. Now with me... no I do not have daddy issues (since this is what people always seem to ask), I have a decent savings for my age and he is not rich so there is none of that going on, and I am completing a masters degree.

 

We met because we both work in the same field and therefore do a lot of the same things and understand that we both have to travel every now and then for our jobs. We have the same interests (we both work in a creative field so there's cross over between career and leisure interests), we have the same beliefs, agree on a lot of things, work with a lot of the same people and are friends with a lot of the same people.

 

None of our friends find our friendship uncomfortable, as our friendship circle is quite broad and spans over different age groups. Looking at us, we don't look mismatched... it may be a bit obvious that I am quite a bit younger but I tend to dress quite maturely and it has people confusing me for mid to late 20s at times, and he dresses very well and keeps fit so people often assume him to being mid thirties.

 

There is absolutely zero flaw in our relationship as we operate quite the same way. He is more respectful to me than guys I have met my own age through to mid thirties, plus we feel happy and comfortable together; it's a very natural feeling we both share.

 

The only issue is, my parents are aware of him as a person (like I said, we work together and are in the same circle) but they are unaware of the extent of this relationship. I have a close relationship with my parents, but they have never been ones to be want to listen or want to know about romantic relationships... unless it's serious and I'm about to get married then they just dismiss it. They barely seem to approve of most males and I feel they won't approve of this one based on the age...though they do to some extent hope I find someone.

 

This was a "brief" vent on my situation. I guess I'm curious on how many others are from an age gap relationship and what their thoughts are and how their parents reacted? I believe if we were to get married one day, they may not approve and would go so far to no longer speak with me (whether it be permanent or temporary)... I do not want that to happen but how I see it, if I am being treated well and am sustaining myself and they don't want to be apart of that then that's their decision (unfortunately). I was going to ask people's thoughts on our relationship, but it's not the relationship that I'm worried about for the moment, more so the impact it could have on the relationship with my family. Anyone else been through similar??

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? Do you live with your parents? Why would your parent shun you if you got married?

We share the exact views when it comes to marriage, I'm not sure if he is for or against having children but from what I've gathered, I don't think he is opposed it if he were in a marriage. The only issue is, my parents are aware of him as a person but they are unaware of the extent of this relationship. I believe if we were to get married one day, they may not approve and would go so far to no longer speak with me.

[Blahblah3]

Oh sorry! I should probably word that better. My parents wouldn't shun me if I got married, they do seem to be very fussy over whom I marry (based on things I've heard them say and certain pre-requisites), they're the types where if I introduce a boyfriend into the family they keep their distance from them and believe they don't need to have much dealing with the boyfriend unless there is a marriage taking place.

 

At present I am living at home, but that depends if my job requires me to be in a different location. During down time, I live at home and save my money for my house deposit. The relationship is still quite new, only six months.

I'm kinda just thinking ahead of time for the moment.

[Wiseman2]

Six mos is just dating. No need to introduce him yet. Also, parents will see you go through dating different guys but have no reason to get over enthused about any one in particular because dating a variety of people at your age is normal. Also living at home may make you think your parents are more concerned/involved in your dating life than they really are.

 

Do you live in a culture where you need parental approval or need to go straight from the parental home to marriage?

if I introduce a boyfriend into the family they keep their distance from them and believe they don't need to have much dealing with the boyfriend unless there is a marriage taking place. At present I am living at home.The relationship is still quite new, only six months.

[Blahblah3]

Yeah it's still early days, so it's not like it's all 100% and happening tomorrow or anything haha

Just a part of me feels bad having to keep it secret from them because I feel deceitful, and in case they find out... but I only feel like that when I'm living at home so I think you're quite right. Based on how they and how they tend to not be interested in hearing about relationships, kinda lessens the extent of feeling like I'm hiding something though/

 

I think they like to think they get the final say being parents, but really they don't/it's not required. Just a shame to think that they'll be disapproving when I'm actually getting treated right rather than having to fuss over someone who is younger and being a complete a-hole... hence why I'm curious how other people's families reacted to such an age gap/how they told them/how they dealt with the situation

[PatPatPat]

So when I was 22 I dated a guy who was 35 for about 9 months and then when I was 25 I dated someone who was 38 for two years. The age difference wasn't that big but in both cases you could tell they were older than me (in one occasion a lady at a shop thought my ex was my dad when I was dating the 2nd guy lol).

 

I come from a Latin American/Japanese background so you can imagine how strict my parents are. However, surprisingly, they took it pretty well. They only cared about, as you said, that I was being treated right. Although, they did let me know the things that they didn't like about them and gave me valid reasons to think twice about the outcome of the relationship.

[Clio]

He is twice your age. No parent would be happy. You may not be mismatched yet but when you are 40 and he is 62, I find it highly unlikely that he will be able to keep up with you... Regardless, it's you life. If your relationship withstands the test of time, your parents will probably accept him in time. At the end of the day, most parents just want their child to be happy.

[abitbroken]

I believe if we were to get married one day, they may not approve and would go so far to no longer speak with me (whether it be permanent or temporary)... I do not want that to happen but how I see it, if I am being treated well and am sustaining myself and they don't want to be apart of that then that's their decision (unfortunately). I was going to ask people's thoughts on our relationship, but it's not the relationship that I'm worried about for the moment, more so the impact it could have on the relationship with my family. Anyone else been through similar??

 

They will likely be more upset from you hiding the relationship than they would be for you marrying someone. An attitude of "they are going to disown me if they find out about your relationship" really is not a mature mindset. You may be in the same field, etc, but this mindset speaks loudly to your age. You may be a perfectly intelligent and accomplished young woman but the mindset of assuming your parents are against you is an adolescent one. They want the best for their daughter and all parents want their kids to be happy - they want them to marry well - not talking about marrying a prince or anything - but marrying someone well suited to them. I think you think this 45 year old man is well suited, but they would worry about how you would feel when he is 60

 

I would not project this relationship into marriage at the present time - i would start being honest with your parents. You are dating this guy 6 months - they should know that you date even if they don't want to know the particulars, but i think that if you are still dating him in a few months you absolutely need to introduce him to you parents in the context of this being the man you are dating. I dated a guy who was a bit older before and because i treated him just like anyone else i was dating as far as the timeline for my parents to know, they respected it more. But if i had been hiding something, they would have been suspicious. and it doesn't have to be a formal meet - him coming to pick you up if you live with them, or even mentioining you are going out to the show with him, etc.,,

[abitbroken]

btw, was there initial hesitation on his part due to the age gap?

[abitbroken]

btw, was there initial hesitation on his part due to the age gap?

 

why i say this -- is he a guy who is not specifically after much younger women, and therefore hesitated at first, or is he a youth chaser? If he Does NOT encourage you to let him meet your parents as your boyfriend/guy you are dating and is okay being hidden, then I would be concerned. He should want an out in the open relationship unless he wants to keep you hidden as well

[SoulTaker]

Oh sorry! I should probably word that better. My parents wouldn't shun me if I got married, they do seem to be very fussy over whom I marry (based on things I've heard them say and certain pre-requisites), they're the types where if I introduce a boyfriend into the family they keep their distance from them and believe they don't need to have much dealing with the boyfriend unless there is a marriage taking place.

 

At present I am living at home, but that depends if my job requires me to be in a different location. During down time, I live at home and save my money for my house deposit. The relationship is still quite new, only six months.

I'm kinda just thinking ahead of time for the moment.

 

How old are your parents?

[Blahblah3]

He's met my parents before but he has not been introduced as someone I am dating. He does not keep me hidden from people either.

The whole "disowning" thing may sound like a stretch but that is merely me quoting their own words. I would like to think that with time theyd become understanding, but they are also very strict and are the types to stop speaking to members of family if they don't agree with something (my whole family seem to think it's normal to take that approach).

 

Kinda want advice on when people introduced their partner and how they reacted/how it was handled.

[abitbroken]

He's met my parents before but he has not been introduced as someone I am dating. He does not keep me hidden from people either.

The whole "disowning" thing may sound like a stretch but that is merely me quoting their own words. I would like to think that with time theyd become understanding, but they are also very strict and are the types to stop speaking to members of family if they don't agree with something (my whole family seem to think it's normal to take that approach).

 

Kinda want advice on when people introduced their partner and how they reacted/how it was handled.

 

ok --- these are YOUR words

 

I believe if we were to get married one day, they may not approve and would go so far to no longer speak with me (whether it be permanent or temporary)

 

In your head you feel they will disown you -- but they never have said "if you marry that guy from work, we are going to disown you!" You have put words into their mouths (unless they were joking - ie, my brother said he'd disown me if i married a Bruins fan but its all in joke) .

 

Your parents want the best for you. But they also weren't born yesterday. At 22 and earlier, sometimes we make questionable choices in dating or at least our parents want to scrutinize each guy to make sure they treat their daughter right. Mine didn't like a boyfriend because he was very passive aggressive towards me. My aunt didn't like my cousins boyfriend because she felt she was settling (age 35, occasionally delivering pizza and living in parents basement - they didn't care what his career choice was - but wished for someone who already was taking care of his own stuff)

 

Just go ahead and tell them that you have been dating someone from work - and tell them who it is. They either approve or disapprove. But they will approve less if they find out you have been hiding him rather than being matter of fact. And don't think about "what if i marry this guy". at this point, you are both enjpying eachother's company