Does it have to be like that?

[journeynow]

I was just wondering, if, taking into account my sensitivity, I can have realistic expectations of someone being caring enough so that I wouldn't feel like packing on a regular basis. I do fear that "what I'm able to put up with" and "what is realistically possible" are exclusive concepts

 

I think this is a very vague way of putting it, and makes it more difficult for you to navigate as a result. "Caring enough" is vague. I think it is better to define what behavior is helpful, from others, and from yourself.

[journeynow]

For crying-because-of-argument-with-someone sessions I think what I need is some space and calm or some supportive gesture :) You know, I normally find ways to calm myself down, the problem is when I'm trapped with someone who is sort of adding fuel to fire, so these normal mechanisms can't be worked with.

 

How are you trapped, actually? How are they adding fuel? Does this happen often?

 

I imagine it's rare? If you are in an argument, supportive gestures can go both ways, right? Can you cry and offer support to your partner who is going through their own feelings that are different than yours? They may need a different sort of support than you do, can you do that? Can you look at the bigger picture?

[journeynow]

I remember feeling emotionally devastated as a 3-5 year old, when I did something wrong, or ridden with guilt when my mom sang to me that all the fishes in the lake are asleep and all the stars in the sky are too but I'm not asleep

 

I'm just curious, do you know if you (or your family) experienced some sort of trauma or loss when you were an infant?

[firelily]

I'm just curious, do you know if you (or your family) experienced some sort of trauma or loss when you were an infant?

 

No, I had a really good childhood! That's the thing. A second child in a solid family and a wanted one, no abandonment, no trauma, no nothing.

[firelily]

Can you watch horror movies? lol

 

I cannot (although I will if necessary with bfs or friends), but have nightmares afterwards.

 

I can't ride roller coasters either (more nightmares) and try as I might, I simply cannot relate to metal.

 

Hell I am more sensitive than you and I overcame many of the issues you are dealing with now, so there's hope!

 

I can't watch emotionally engaging violence or distress (so Game of Thrones stuff is hard), but I'm totally fine with "funny violence" as in Mortal Combat games, or most games really, I like Kill Bill, etc.

 

So I'm not really a HSP, but I share some core characteristics.

 

Thank you for the hope!

[Batya33]

Thank you for that advice! I think it might be useful for my crying-alone sessions. For crying-because-of-argument-with-someone sessions I think what I need is some space and calm or some supportive gesture :) You know, I normally find ways to calm myself down, the problem is when I'm trapped with someone who is sort of adding fuel to fire, so these normal mechanisms can't be worked with.

 

You don't need to be trapped except in very rare circumstances (i.e. I once had a panic attack during a meeting I couldn't leave so I quietly did breathing exercises and fixated on my pad of paper I think -it was scary!) - you can: excuse yourself, do an angry clean (i.e. start cleaning something -always something to be done right?), explain that you're on the verge of getting really upset so please back off or you're going to head out for a walk (don't storm out -be neutral about it- just the facts m'am). And yes get over yourself so you can actually hear the other person. I was upset with my son the other day for refusing to eat something healthful I'd prepared and because I was willing to stop my internal frustration/adrenaline and actually listen calmly he gave me a reason that made a lot of sense. If I'd gotten all emotional it would have triggered him to get that way and he might have even forgotten the reason or been unable to articulate it as he did.

 

So your crying is a way of wielding control/power - once you start crying the conversation basically has to stop just like if you started yelling. Then it has to shift to the other person either not knowing what to do or reassuring you. It's sort of like if you have to give a eulogy at a funeral. Everyone in the audience knows that you might start crying from the grief/sadness and even have to stop but very often the speaker will do whatever he/she can to keep going because it's more important to share the information and memories with the audience than to give in to letting the emotions overwhelm and control.

 

I'm not saying you are manipulative or do this on purpose.

[firelily]

You don't need to be trapped except in very rare circumstances (i.e. I once had a panic attack during a meeting I couldn't leave so I quietly did breathing exercises and fixated on my pad of paper I think -it was scary!) - you can: excuse yourself, do an angry clean (i.e. start cleaning something -always something to be done right?), explain that you're on the verge of getting really upset so please back off or you're going to head out for a walk (don't storm out -be neutral about it- just the facts m'am). And yes get over yourself so you can actually hear the other person. I was upset with my son the other day for refusing to eat something healthful I'd prepared and because I was willing to stop my internal frustration/adrenaline and actually listen calmly he gave me a reason that made a lot of sense. If I'd gotten all emotional it would have triggered him to get that way and he might have even forgotten the reason or been unable to articulate it as he did.

 

So your crying is a way of wielding control/power - once you start crying the conversation basically has to stop just like if you started yelling. Then it has to shift to the other person either not knowing what to do or reassuring you. It's sort of like if you have to give a eulogy at a funeral. Everyone in the audience knows that you might start crying from the grief/sadness and even have to stop but very often the speaker will do whatever he/she can to keep going because it's more important to share the information and memories with the audience than to give in to letting the emotions overwhelm and control.

 

I'm not saying you are manipulative or do this on purpose.

 

Actually, I suck it up and try to speak calm and emotionless until there is anything meaningful to say, and I try very hard to hold tears, some leave, but I'm in control. Then there's nothing more constructive to say and I feel this bottled up sadness and helplessness, so I just break down. Usually in some other room, if this is an option, but if I cry hard in another room it's unfortunately still hearable to the person who started the argument and other uninvolved people, all of whom I wouldn't like to affect by my crying. After some time spend with my boyfriend, who got angry at me for crying, I found the other way out of this distress - getting into catatonia, when I can't speak up, like I locked myself inside and it takes me a long long time to get back and it's extremely painful. So right now I subconsciously try not to direct my emotions this way, but I still need to have some space to experience the distress I'm going through at that moment. I don't do it to gain some purpose, on any subconscious level.

 

It's like, some people cut themselves mostly for attention, and some people cut themselves mostly because they can't deal with distress. And blaming the latter one for being attention-seekers won't help them in any way. If a boss suddenly tells you you're fired, you might feel distress and try to hold back the tears only to shed a tear a couple of minutes later as you leave with your box. You don't do it to manipulate the boss into changing their mind... you know it won't happen... you just wish you could act like a cold princess but you're human and emotions usually have some degree of power over us.

 

I don't really know why I have to explain all this. Since like I said, we're slightly different people, I really wish you would come from the position of understanding, an open space without judgement, then make judgements when you gather more information - not the other way round. You make a lot of assumptions about me first, as a guess that might be right or wrong, and in response to I feel slightly upset, because I don't identify with these assumptions, and I feel like the weight of explaining myself is on me, and it feels a bit draining. And I can't really use that kind of feedback in a constructive, helpful way :(

[Batya33]

So I could say the same to you -to be open to working on how to make different choices when you react to emotions (as Katrina and Journeynow suggested) - there's a spectrum here of what is typical and then less so. Sounds like you cry/get emotional far more often than is typical and it affects your personal and professional relationships. Putting aside extremes -meaning someone is intentionally mean/abusive/bullying, if you get physically hurt, etc - in the day to day life situations that come with stress and needing to roll with the punches/go with the flow it seems that you react by crying/getting emotional/distressed more than most. I am not judging you for that but it's not working for you. It's like people who suffer from anxiety -some use meds, some meditation, breathing exercises, combos of all three. But I see people with anxiety searching for help/resources and putting in effort all the time - not a throw their hands up "it's just me, so deal with it". Obviously to a point people around you have to "deal" with it but I think if you wanted to make changes you could so that "point" is few and far between.

 

So I would look at your sleep and eating patterns to see if you get more emotional in relation to those, look into breathing exercises and perhaps meditation/yoga.

 

I was trying to point out that of course while you might be in distress and I feel badly about it I also feel badly for the people around you who have to deal with taking care of you during these episodes. And that is because at least in part it is in your control and depends on your choices. It's not like having an involuntary seizure, for example.

[firelily]

I agree with all of this. I also feel bad for people living with me.

 

This is what my thread was about. I don't find solutions that would make me less sensitive and prone to stress. I don't want to kill myself, so the next solution I can think of is staying away from all people, to the extend it's possible. I wonder if that would be a way for living worth living, because this way now not always feels like it.

[Batya33]

I agree with all of this. I also feel bad for people living with me.

 

This is what my thread was about. I don't find solutions that would make me less sensitive and prone to stress. I don't want to kill myself, so the next solution I can think of is staying away from all people, to the extend it's possible. I wonder if that would be a way for living worth living, because this way now not always feels like it.

 

Sigh. There are many resources for people who react as you do. I mentioned a few. So did Katrina and Journeynow. Take it or leave it -totally fine either way.

[firelily]

I will definitely give a shot to suggestions listed here, but I'm sceptical it will make noticeable difference. It's not like I've spent my life never trying similar solutions. It's always like that with people asking for help here, it's not like there's any advice that could change their lives on its own, just ideas to share, some really valuable. I think if change is ever possible it's through adapting both the person and their life to their needs. In this case, I wonder what can I adapt about my external reality too, because I don't want to experience distress almost everywhere I go and I don't want to cause others distress by my distress.

[Batya33]

I will definitely give a shot to suggestions listed here, but I'm sceptical it will make noticeable difference. It's not like I've spent my life never trying similar solutions. It's always like that with people asking for help here, it's not like there's any advice that could change their lives on its own, just ideas to share, some really valuable. I think if change is ever possible it's through adapting both the person and their life to their needs. In this case, I wonder what can I adapt about my external reality too, because I don't want to experience distress almost everywhere I go and I don't want to cause others distress by my distress.

 

It's not about trying. It's about doing. And doing something consistently and being patient because change takes lots of time. Noticing baby steps or half baby steps of progress. Don't just give a shot and don't do it with a negative attitude. I'd work with a therapist or similar professional to so you can target what might be the best approach for you. Obviously you can choose to avoid all people but when you refer to that it sounds like you're thinking you're a victim and "have to" avoid people so I don't think that will work for you.