Haven’t heard from him at all after break up

[Justhere88]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to ask if someone had experience with this or has some advice or comment. I was with my ex for two years. Did a lot for him like helping him find a job and after just a few months he moved with me as we were in love and decided he shouldn’t be looking for a flat but instead move with me to save money so we can see how things go. It’s been great and we travelled a lot and still I was helping him with money and travelling together and cost of it as I earn more and he was still new to the city. Many times I noticed he never did nice things for me like get me flowers or even think of me so I was trying to talk to him as he was younger than me and fix things. But over time I became depressed as he wouldn’t be someone I deserved and someone I felt wasn’t there for me. But he was loving and cuddly. He would text me many times a day calling me bunny and telling me he loves me and wants to marry me. He wasn’t showing it though. Many times we almost broke up when he finally said he would work on himself and Try. It lasted about a month and things would get back to normal. We were supposed to move to our flat and been saving money for it as it was the next step in a relationship but long story short we found a flat to see and I found out he wasn’t saving any money for deposit or anything. He was spending it on himself but wasn’t putting anything toward the relationship. So I decided to talk and asked him to move out and take a break. He swore he wanted to marry me and said maybe in a month he will be better and we will Make it. He said “I’m sure of it”. I left for Christmas and asked him to move while I was gone and ...never heard from him. Christmas passed - no Christmas wishes. No hello. No nothing. I left him xmas gift and he never texted me a thank you. He moved (my flat mate told me) and didn’t even send me a formal “I moved” note. Nothing. It’s been 3 weeks and still nothing l. It’s like I never existed. What the hell? Can someone explain this to me ?

[reinventmyself]

That sounds like a really painful ending to what you hoped would be lasting relationship.

 

I am not sure what you feel you were entitled to when you asked him to move out. He did as you requested and now you are upset that he didn't announce the obvious?

From what you've shared, you signed up for a project. You knew going into this he had issues with employment and money.

It ultimately ended over his inability to step up and be an equal partner. The very thing that troubled you in the beginning was the very thing that ended it.

 

Consider this a gift. He has shown you who he is. In the future, don't prop up grown men and bet on their potential and then be disappointed after all that you have done for them.

Accept people exactly as they are.

You will save both of yourselves a lot of grief.

 

My bet is he will move on to find someone else who will sponsor him.

Be grateful it's no longer you.

[shessofly]

You broke up with him. Maybe it wasn't what he wanted but he accepted your decision. I don't reach out to people who dump me other than to finalize things such as bills, property, etc. Why would you expect him to reach out after you broke up with him and had him move out? Why expect him to wish you a Merry Christmas or say hello?

[Justhere88]

It’s not about being entitled to anything. I simply think that two years together mean a lot to me. Even if it’s a break up I was at least hoping for a goodbye or thank you. Before I left he said “you never know. I might propose to you”. I mean. This is just super confusing. Someone who was texting me 15 Times a day and wanted to stay friends and said he wants to work things out just disappears. Doesn’t even text “thank you” for everything I have done for him or for the xmas gift. Doesn’t inform me he moved eg. Where did he leave the keys or “text me if you find anything of mine “. I am not sure why it’s entitlement. Also he said that him moving out was a good idea as he might need to work on him etc and we can then work things out. This doesn’t sound like someone who vanishes a day later. Why you think Im calling it’s entitlement when for me it’s “common courtesy”. I cared about him so even now I worry and think about him. Even if I know it’s for the best. I want to believe that your exes don’t just stop caring the very second and don’t give a crap about you at all the second they are gone.

We shared a room. I’m not back yet so don’t know what he took and what he left etc. There was no comms

[IAmFCA]

I understand.

 

You might consider the strength of your attachment is reflected in the utter silence now. It would be easier for him to communicate if you two were more casual daters.

[shessofly]

If you feel so strongly about this, why didn't you reach out and wish him well on Christmas? Often, post breakup communication creates confusion. One party thinks the other may want them back, painful feelings resurface, etc...it's not the best thing, especially for the person who was dumped.

[reinventmyself]

It’s not about being entitled to anything. I simply think that two years together mean a lot to me. Even if it’s a break up I was at least hoping for a goodbye or thank you. Before I left he said “you never know. I might propose to you”. I mean. This is just super confusing. Someone who was texting me 15 Times a day and wanted to stay friends and said he wants to work things out just disappears. Doesn’t even text “thank you” for everything I have done for him or for the xmas gift. Doesn’t inform me he moved eg. Where did he leave the keys or “text me if you find anything of mine “. I am not sure why it’s entitlement. Also he said that him moving out was a good idea as he might need to work on him etc and we can then work things out. This doesn’t sound like someone who vanishes a day later. Why you think Im calling it’s entitlement when for me it’s “common courtesy”. I cared about him so even now I worry and think about him. Even if I know it’s for the best. I want to believe that your exes don’t just stop caring the very second and don’t give a crap about you at all the second they are gone.

We shared a room. I’m not back yet so don’t know what he took and what he left etc. There was no comms

 

You just listed all these expectations. Not sure where they came from. Unless your request to move out was more of a threat than a reality.

You asked him to move out. Hid did. Everyone handles breakups differently

This must be his way.

 

Were you expecting common courtesy based on his behavior? He sounds very irresponsible and immature. From where I sit it seems fitting that he left without a word.

Or. . are you expecting all these things you say `because of all you have done for him' That would be due to some sense of entitlement.

 

Look. . I don't mean to kick you when you are down.

Strong emotions aren't typically rational and breakups hurt like hell.

 

But he's handling it his way. It may not feel good. . but breakups rarely do.

[Justhere88]

You’re right. It wasn’t a threat. It was more hope that he would still be the Man I fell in love with and not someone I don’t recognise. It’s just hard. Thank you for insight.

[melancholy123]

If you are broken up why do you think you should hear from him? He doesnt sound like he is the guy you thought he was.

[Justhere88]

If you are broken up why do you think you should hear from him? He doesnt sound like he is the guy you thought he was.

 

Because at least for me it’s common courtesy to say thank you or inform someone that I moved out or took this or that or “let me know if you find any of my things “.

Apart of the break up I have to deal with him being this way. I didn’t break up because I didn’t love him. I just couldn’t deal with his words not equalling actions any more. Maybe that answers my question in the first place.

[AtitAgain]

Have you said a "good bye" to him? Have you gone out of your way to say..."Hey, do you want to meet up and talk?" What do you want in the end anyway? Him to be your friend? To get back together? Or just some validation that he valued the relationship as well?

 

You dumped him, if you want to talk to him, then it is your job to pursue, not his.

[Hollyj]

He sounds like he was all words, but no action. The fact that he had no money saved up, is probably because he was counting on you to foot the bill, again.

 

Don't support your partners (rent, traveling, food etc... You sound like you became his meal ticket, and he had little respect. Find a partner who is at you r level, and that you do not have to support.

 

This guy is a user. He did not value you, but you did not value yourself, either.

[Hollyj]

Have you said a "good bye" to him? Have you gone out of your way to say..."Hey, do you want to meet up and talk?" What do you want in the end anyway? Him to be your friend? To get back together? Or just some validation that he valued the relationship as well?

 

You dumped him, if you want to talk to him, then it is your job to pursue, not his.

 

She she talk to him about spending more of her money and supporting him? The guy is a man-child looking for an easy ride.

[AtitAgain]

She she talk to him about spending more of her money and supporting him? The guy is a man-child looking for an easy ride.

 

No, if she is cool with him disappearing, then let him go. I am not telling her to go after the guy. But she seems so distressed that he hasn't communicated with her that she is posting online about it. So if she wants to communicate its up to her to make it happen, not him. He got kicked out, so if she wants anything with him, even if it is just to get closure, or whatever, that is on her not him.

 

Personally... I think she is best staying NC, take some time to herself, and move on.

[Hollyj]

No, if she is cool with him disappearing, then let him go. I am not telling her to go after the guy. But she seems so distressed that he hasn't communicated with her that she is posting online about it. So if she wants to communicate its up to her to make it happen, not him. He got kicked out, so if she wants anything with him, even if it is just to get closure, or whatever, that is on her not him.

 

Personally... I think she is best staying NC, take some time to herself, and move on.

 

The guy is a bum and user.

 

I agree. She should stay NC, and understand why she choose this dynamic.

[Justhere88]

The guy is a bum and user.

 

I agree. She should stay NC, and understand why she choose this dynamic.

 

You’re right and I am staying NC. New year and New plans.

 

Thank you all for insight. I think it will take some time but I definitely don’t see any actions from him so time to let it go.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It seems you over invested and over mothered him. This causes resentment on both ends. Unfortunately he will just look for another sugar mama to do everything that you did while all he has to do is come up with cute pet names.

Did a lot for him like helping him find a job and after just a few months he moved with me as we were in love and decided he shouldn’t be looking for a flat but instead move with me to save money. I was helping him with money and travelling together and cost of it as I earn more. he was younger than me

[Justhere88]

I am just hurting and maybe I thought by being nice he would not take me for granted. I recognise my own errors too. Just miss him.

[Justhere88]

We talked about him moving out before I left abroad. He agreed and I thought it was amicable as he said he thinks it will be good for us and will make him stand on his two feet. He said he wanted to keep in touch and be friends. I said probably we could be friends but in December we should keep in touch regarding the move and in January we can take a break from contact for a while. When I was leaving he left many promises and i even hugged him and said “come back to me” and he said “we will Make it Work. I’m sure of it “. And then no contact. That’s what frustrates me. I had hoped that he meant it. That he wouldn’t just disappear but would at least let me know he moved and when and where he left keys and things etc. Or say thank you for xmas gift. I know i shouldn’t be expecting anything but I had hope.

[Hollyj]

You cannot be friends when there are feelings. But, I must also your question your definition of friendship, as this guy used you for support.

 

Find better friends, and learn from this. Stop playing mommy to men. You also need to block and delete this creep!