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What are some ways you are trying to move on?


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Not necessarily looking for "advice" as much as ideas. I've read a good number of books since all this started with me and they all pretty much say the same thing:

 

1) no contact

2) get rid of reminders

3) stay busy

4) pray/meditate

5) exercise

6) get a makeover

7) find a new hobby

8) don't fight your emotions but don't stay stuck in them either

9) vent when you need to

 

Is anyone doing anything other than these that they would like to share? Did it work for you? Are there things you wish you'd done that you think might've worked?

 

Just interested in other ideas. Trying to keep my mind occupied!

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Spend time with family and friends.

 

No, not your ex's friends and family. Don't fall into the trap of "Oh, but his/her family LOVES me!! They said they want to stay friends with me! They told me not to be a stranger! It would be RUDE to just CUT THEM OFF!"

 

Just no.

 

The topic of conversation will always end up being your ex. You'll bask in the attention and love hearing about how the family really doesn't like your ex's new boyfriend/girlfriend. That will give you hope that the family and friends will convince your ex to dump their new partner and reconcile with you. It will keep you stuck in the "hope-zone". Another poster termed it well; the rest of the world went on but they stayed stuck in the same place. That place called "hope".

 

Don't do it.

 

So, get out there. Reconnect with the friends and activities you may have neglected in order to focus on your ex. And try something new! Go on that trip, take that class, try that new restaurant you've always wanted to.

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Oh absolutely no worries there. I don't want anything to do with his family.

 

I forgot to ask about rebounding. Some books say it's perfectly natural and okay and some say try to avoid it. Opinions?

 

I didn't mean you specifically. Lots of people who have been broken up with try to find comfort with the ex's family and friends.

 

"Rebounding" may be "natural", but I think we should take the person we're rebounding with into consideration. They may think we sincerely like them and are blindsided when they discover the person they thought they were building a future with was just basically using them as a bandaid.

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Venting about the ex to friends and family can keep you stuck. It also gets old for them, really quick.

 

Rebounding is wrong, as you are using another to move forward and boost your ego. It a terrible thing to do. It is better to get to a happier place on your own.

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Journal each day about feelings, intentions, lessons and write about what I'm grateful for. Take 30 minute walks. Make a list of daily goals. Have a small white board, like a 30 day calendar of small goals for the month, like reading a chapter of a new book or writing 3 pages a day...I placed reminders on my calendar for daily thoughts to refocus my attention on something present focused (because I know my mind tends to long for the past or worry about the future)

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I actually support the NC rules. I had to work in the office next to where my ex worked and it was sheer torture hearing her voice every day and occasionally bumping into her in the corridor. Any kind of contact just opens the wounds again. As for the other things on the list, they're meant to take you mind off the breakup, get you feeling better, and building your confidence so you can be ready to find a nice guy to date,

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I believe in the slow method, which has been helpful for me in the past 3 months of my break up.

Feel this pain, really feel it, think about it, analyze it yourself, strain your mind , write out pros and cons of your past Relationship, pros and cons of your present life , what would you like to change , what in your life is missing some attention,

Look at that list and work from there.

Get a lot of rest, make some short term goals, and work on them

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Hang out with friends but don't talk about it or vent. Take a course or classes. Don't jump into a rebound, but do get yourself fixed up, get in shape, get great pics and practice crafting a good dating profile. Then just browse with no expectations just to see what's out there for you. Only start communicating when you are ready to date.

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I didn't mean you specifically. Lots of people who have been broken up with try to find comfort with the ex's family and friends.

 

"Rebounding" may be "natural", but I think we should take the person we're rebounding with into consideration. They may think we sincerely like them and are blindsided when they discover the person they thought they were building a future with was just basically using them as a bandaid.

 

 

Very true!

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Hang out with friends but don't talk about it or vent.

 

^^^This has been the most helpful thing for me. This exact advice: hang out with friends, but don't vent. Your friends will ask about him, so you answer, giving yourself no more than 2-3 sentences of allowable space, and then, you need to turn the attention back to them. Ask about their families, their kids, their jobs. Anything other than about your ex.

 

I literally just walked in the door from lunch with 2 girlfriends, and there are a group of 5 of us going out tonight. I honestly come home from these times having almost forgotten completely about him, as he just doesn't come up. They will always ask.....hear anything from him? I'm always honest, so I'll tell a quick (2 sentence!) story, and then it's all about something else.

 

Reach out to people. Call someone you've never done anything with and invite them for a drink, or go see that new art exhibit, or try out that new place. You'll be amazed at how many people say yes to you, and how many invitations you get back.

 

I broke up with my ex 4 months ago, so yep, the holidays were coming, and I knew I'd be alone. Yes, I let myself cry, and go to therapy, the gym, all that. But it's honestly been the busiest holiday season I've ever had, as the invitations to parties, dinners, events, lunches, keep coming. I'm honestly so looking forward to NYE, where I will be completely alone. Had you told me that I'd be alone for NYE 4 months ago, I'd have cried and cried. Now, I'm looking forward to it!

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I once got a calendar with a picture of a pretty girl on it; I don't remember who. I used it to replace the thoughts of my ex at the time. I even went so far to greet her first thing in the morning and tell her good night when I went to sleep. It was like an emotional transfer and that girl in the picture helped me not to feel lonely (so much). Our 'affair' lasted for exactly a month, then I turned the page and met a new girl. It worked for the most part.

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Strengthening self talk. I recognized that I'm the one in change of how I view this experience, and I'd rather see it through a lens of growth and teaching myself how to grow wiser and more confident rather than through a lens that sees myself as weak and damaged.

 

I made it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous future for myself. This prevented me from complaining to friends and family, and it kept me vigilant about seeing more of the people I'd neglected during my relationship to build stronger bonds with them. I made our time together about them, not me. I focused on creating good memories for them while I was unable to enjoy very much myself. This actually turned my ship around and made me grateful for the people I value. Every step I took toward being helpful to them and involved in their lives advanced me in my own healing and enjoyment a thousand times beyond what I had anticipated.

 

Take on the role of companion and helper to your family and friends. You don't need to be 'on' and entertain them. Just show up. Help them with their household projects, yard cleanup, cooking, car washing--just focus on the small joys of making loved ones' lives a bit easier. You won't feel up to it if you think about it too much, so don't do that--just book your free time full of small commitments to others that you won't break, and you will thank yourself after each experience. You'll gain confidence and gratitude for your ability to love and be loved, and you will be inspired to move yourself forward by these small acts that will ground you rather than allow you to wallow in the stuff that only drills you a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

Head high, you can do this.

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I have started going to the gym more

I have started causally swimming and in a few weeks shall start rock climbing.

All physical

 

Emotional

I have started to journal on here. I talk to my mother a ridiculous amount but like she says she will never tire of it. Seeing my friends more but i have let that slide because of the holidays. Gonna pick it up a bit more now. Gonna aim for at least once a week for a social event.

 

These all got me out of my inital break up turmoil and i was doing well. Now hope has gone im hoping they get me out again.

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Tell yourself that essentially you are the only person you can count on.

Tell yourself that people come and go, and those meant to stay in your life will somehow find their way back.

And keep in mind that anything can happen in life, you might meet your soulmate anytime.

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