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Making a fool of myself


Hoagy
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Not sure if this is the right forum but it'll have to do for now.

 

About six months ago I started a new job. A female friend of mine already worked here and it was her that told me about the job so it was nice that there would be at least one familiar face. This friend is some 15-20 years younger than me but we get on well, able to share secrets with each other, and, until we started working together, I never thought of her as anything but a friend - no different from any other. At first everything was fine but gradually I found myself developing feelings towards her that I don't think I should. I feel myself being more attracted to her; perhaps because she reminds me of a girlfriend I had many years ago.

 

I see her laughing and joking with other guys at work, guys closer to her own age (she's one of those people who is always popular), and I feel pangs of jealousy. It's ridiculous. I'm almost old enough to be her father. I don't want to be the creepy, pathetic, older guy developing a crush on a young girl and making her feel uncomfortable. I realise I'm probably going through a mid-life crisis and there can be no real future between us. She's currently single and so am I but I'm not even thinking about being her next boyfriend. I just have feelings. I'm not sure they're even sexual feelings. I didn't want this to happen and I didn't plan it. It just happened the way these things do.

 

I wonder whether one of these days - perhaps in the New Year - she and I are going to have to sit down and talk about this. I'm going to have to be honest about how I feel and throw myself upon her mercy. She still gives me a big smile whenever she sees me so I have no idea how she feels about me or how she might react.

 

How can I stop myself feeling this way? We still have to work together and I don't want to stop being friends. I just wish things could go back to the way they were before.

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This is what this is all about...a void. Did you recently breakup with someone?

she reminds me of a girlfriend I had many years ago.
This will be awkward at best and perhaps creepy or worse, construed as sexual harassment. Don't attempt this since the feelings are not mutual:
I wonder whether one of these days - perhaps in the New Year - she and I are going to have to sit down and talk about this.
Edited by Wiseman2
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I wonder whether one of these days - perhaps in the New Year - she and I are going to have to sit down and talk about this. I'm going to have to be honest about how I feel and throw myself upon her mercy.

 

Uhm...no. Why 'must' having a feeling 'have to' equate to having no filter?

 

If you're old enough to be the woman's father, then you're mature enough to have learned what inappropriate behavior toward a colleague can get you.

 

We all have crushes, and they can either be harmless or we can stoke them into something destructive.

 

I vote nondestructively handling this as something you'll just need to work out on your own or with professional help. Start with defining the difference between a want and a need, a preference versus a necessity, and a decision about how long you intend to keep this job and what kind of peace and harmony you'll want to enjoy during every. single. workday. for the duration.

 

Then shift your focus onto healthy, productive ways to develop your own private life beyond this crush, and behave accordingly on the job.

 

Head high.

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Given that you two work together, you stand to loose a lot more than your pride. "Throwing yourself upon her mercy" may sound romantic but in reality it indicates an imbalance that can only lead to unhealthy drama. The type of feelings you describe would make a very poor relationship foundation. Imo you need to divert your focus on to other things / people. Focus on your other friends and cut contact with her to the minimum. That way, the urgency you feel will subside and you may be able to see things clearer after a while.

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  • 1 month later...

Agreed with the commenters above that you probably need to just focus your attention elsewhere and let this pass. The fact you work together makes this very, very tricky. If you did not work together, it would be simpler, but still dangerous. Unless you feel that she might feel the same way too, then you run the strong risk of alienating her as a friend and definitely as a co-worker.

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