Should I be worried?

[reinventmyself]

reinvent, wondering what you would have done in the situation I posted about (post 17).

 

Six year RL, we were actually engaged to be married in Hawaii the following year (2016).

 

In the summer of 2015, while in New York caring for his mom, he became addicted to drugs and alcohol, when he returned I knew something was OFF, for months, confronted, he replied all was well, just tired and stressed, so I just went along, feeling hurt and confused by his erratic behavior. I trusted him.

 

It never occurred to me to snoop, but do you think I should have in that situation?

 

To save me months of feeling confused and hurt by his behavior?

 

I respect your opinion a lot, so would be interested to know what you would have done in my shoes.

 

Thanks!

 

Hard to answer. You said you trusted him, therefore that suggests you weren't suspicious that other things were going on?

You took him at his word. If I am not suspicious then I am not looking for any other answer outside of what's in front of me, right?

 

But had he given you multiple concrete clues and you have a pretty solid sense he is possibly lying about it,

then I might feel I am entitled to the truth. It's my life. (dam*it) I need to correct information so I can make decision in my own self care.

Especially if this a deal breaker situation for me. If I feel he's putting me in jeopardy than it becomes a game changer.

 

I have two choices, walk away on a hunch or seek the truth. I like what Seymore said before -

We've been mistaken before and walking away and 2nd guessing yourself that you may be wrong is somewhat tormenting.

It's such a grey area and each situation is different.

 

I walked away once after being lied to. I wasn't sure at the time. Only after he started turning his phone off around me and finding a condom in his pocket, was enough clues for me to walk and not look back. I didn't need to look for concrete proof. That was enough. I may have been wrong but I was more than ok with it.

(as it turned out I was correct)

 

I've had another situation where things were just much more subtle and he was a really good liar and had a history of infidelity and a master at hiding things. I naively thought I was the exception. After a year or more of things that didn't add up, a lot of anxiety, questions and other clues, I snooped and then walked. Honestly, I don't think I would have known had I not looked. My gut was screaming at me for some time. `Just give me a sign' and I didn't get one. So I finally snooped. Shoot me. My only regret is I didn't snoop sooner.

 

My ex H was a narcissistic compulsive liar. .not enough room on this page to go into that, so enough said.

 

It wasn't until I dated a couple men, the one I am currently seeing, who are just transparent about everything. My picker has gotten a little better in this area. Nothing triggers me and if I ever start to get that icky feeling, I'd exit the relationship before it gets to the point that I feel that I needed to investigate.

 

I seriously suspect a guy I was seeing checked my phone once while I was in the bathroom. I was livid. I wasn't 100% positive, so I didn't say anything. I was livid because I never even remotely gave him cause. If I had, my reaction might have been different. I wouldn't have appreciated it, but I might have understood.

 

I'll end by saying I do not condone snooping. The goal here is to choose wisely and the whole thing is a non issue. Don't learn things the hard way like me :)

[reinventmyself]

I agree with this and everything else Seymore and reinventmyself posted.

 

In my 18 month recent relationship, I never once snooped, but now, I wish I had. I'd have saved myself 17 of those months, as his nonsense was going on from Day 1.

 

I kept telling myself I was above the snooping. That if I didn't trust him, I needed to just end it! But...there's always that hope, that belief that those sweet words they are saying are true. So you don't want to just blindly end it, because what if you're wrong? What if I had ended it at say, 6 months, without really, truly knowing?

 

So here's a little story that I so wish I could have changed:

--At month 3, I discovered he was on multiple dating sites, still, which was long after he asked for Exclusivity. Daily logins. I checked the sites, which isn't snooping, as anyone can view them. I asked him, he lied, and we had a huge fight, I broke up, and he begged and pleaded. Back on.

--At month 6, we were in a dark car backseat, and he checked his email, so the phone lit up. I glanced over at the light, and saw an email from a dating site, saying "So-and-so" wrote to you. This was a different site than the others, one he claimed he had never heard of when we discussed the sites.

--I went home and opened up that site, and there was his profile, logged in that day.

--I called him at midnight and cussed him out and broke up again. What did he do? Beg, plead, cry, insist that he had "no idea" how that showed logged in, and that he'd stand on his mother's grave and swear on it. I took him back.

 

Here's where I wished I had done something: I wish now I had created a fake profile and written to him. Or, gotten his phone when he wasn't around.

 

Yes, my trust was broken. But he cried and begged and kept his offer of flying to his mother's grave site, that he had "no idea" how it happened. Even logic: "How could someone write to you if you weren't active?" fell on deaf ears. And when your emotions are involved, he kept on with the sweet nothings, the promises of a future, and yes, I got all caught up in, for one more year..

 

I wish I had just snooped and gotten it over with. The truth would have hit me in the face, and I'd have been done with that jack wipe so much sooner.

In this case you did not invade his privacy. He's posted his face and name on the wall for public viewing. So everyone else can see him but you aren't supposed to look even after been given so many indications otherwise?

[Starlight925]

In this case you did not invade his privacy. He's posted his face and name on the wall for public viewing. So everyone else can see him but you aren't supposed to look even after been given so many indications otherwise?

 

Yes, the dating sites were public. What I wished I had done was gone one step further and looked in his phone to see if he was actually emailing people, as he said he wasn't.

[reinventmyself]

Yes, the dating sites were public. What I wished I had done was gone one step further and looked in his phone to see if he was actually emailing people, as he said he wasn't.

 

Internet dating has really challenged people's integrity. I think the temptation is too much for some.

I have dated considerably and though I do not have any active profiles, mine are inactive and hidden and I do make it a point to peruse around the other websites to check to see how many my current date are actively on from the start.

I eliminate those who have multiple ones. I consider them `squatters or pros'

I don't consider it snooping. I consider it smart.

[Starlight925]

Internet dating has really challenged people's integrity. I think the temptation is too much for some.

I have dated considerably and though I do not have any active profiles, mine are inactive and hidden and I do make it a point to peruse around the other websites to check to see how many my current date are actively on from the start.

I eliminate those who have multiple ones. I consider them `squatters or pros'

I don't consider it snooping. I consider it smart.

 

You're missing my point.

 

We were exclusively dating. He brought up deleting our profiles, which we did. Except he didn't. I called him on it, after viewing them, months later, and he lied, I broke up, he finally admitted, he finally deleted them. Except he didn't. He had other profiles, on other sites going, I broke up, he apologized, lied about it, I took him back. Cycle nonsense.

 

We met on a dating site, and I knew he had profiles on other sites, because I did too. No big deal, as many people have profiles on multiple sites. I deleted/inactivated all of mine, he said he did too. Except he didn't. What he did was, he waited until I was off, and then he never did hide/inactivate his. It wasn't until months later, when I had this feeling.....just a feeling....and I checked.

 

When I called him on it, he said he had "no idea" how it kept showing him logged in. Except that he slipped one night, after a couple of drinks, and mentioned an email he received from someone.

 

I wish I had just looked at his phone, seen that he was actually logging in, viewing profiles, etc.

[reinventmyself]

You're missing my point.

 

We were exclusively dating. He brought up deleting our profiles, which we did. Except he didn't. I called him on it, after viewing them, months later, and he lied, I broke up, he finally admitted, he finally deleted them. Except he didn't. He had other profiles, on other sites going, I broke up, he apologized, lied about it, I took him back. Cycle nonsense.

 

I wish I had just looked at his phone, seen that he was actually logging in, viewing profiles, etc.

 

No. . I got your point.

 

My post was just a different view of one of the dilemmas of OLD.

 

When you said you wished you would have created a fake profile and emailed him it sounded as if you still

second guess yourself and might have felt etter about your decision.

 

But the fact that he lied about any of it would be enough reason for me. Why would you need more proof than that?

Don't second guess yourself. You did the right thing.

[Starlight925]

No. . I got your point.

 

My post was just a different view of one of the dilemmas of OLD.

 

When you said you wished you would have created a fake profile and emailed him it sounded as if you still

second guess yourself and might have felt etter about your decision.

 

But the fact that he lied about any of it would be enough reason for me. Why would you need more proof than that?

Don't second guess yourself. You did the right thing.

 

OK, I get it.

 

I'm not second-guessing anything now at all. I just wish I had gone with my instincts, snooped on his phone, and gotten it over with much sooner, as my suspicions were correct all along.

 

I kept going with the "snooping is always bad" mantra, and I now think that's not always true.

 

When he lied, I broke up, and he cried and begged and pleaded for me back. Hours of talking, hundreds (literally) of texts. He'll never do it again, blah-blah-blity-blah.

 

I still never even believed what he 'fessed up to, as I always thought there was more.

 

Should have just snooped at around Month 3-6, and ended it all much sooner.

[catfeeder]

 

Should have just snooped at around Month 3-6, and ended it all much sooner.

 

Snooping is unnecessary because the only reason you'd do it is to confirm a bad feeling. Well, if you trust your instincts and walk away from relationships that give you a bad feeling, then this will have already solved the problem with an added benefit: your instincts will start to teach you how to avoid those relationships in the first place.

 

Snooping becomes a moot point, because people in GOOD relationships don't need to do that.

 

Hold out for a GOOD relationship. You'll thank yourself later.

[Starlight925]

Snooping is unnecessary because the only reason you'd do it is to confirm a bad feeling. Well, if you trust your instincts and walk away from relationships that give you a bad feeling, then this will teach you how to avoid those relationships in the first place.

 

Snooping becomes a moot point, because people in GOOD relationships don't need to do that.

 

The topic of snooping possibly deserves a new thread, as I don't want to derail the OP's thread.

 

But the thing is, we think we are in a good relationship, but have a feeling that something is off. So, we do what anyone in a good relationship does....we bring up the issue, and the partner says, "oh there there, I'm so sorry, I'll fix it", and we go on our merry way. But....something still feels off. Not enough to break up over, because what if we are wrong? So we ask our friends. We visit a therapist. We look up on message boards. All the while, we are in this amazing relationship, with this amazing person, and we are getting deeper and deeper.

 

It's not like there's a naked female in bed with him. It's like.....a feeling.....something just seems off kilter.

 

So we say, well snooping is always wrong! We are morally bankrupt if we snoop! Which is what I told myself, all those months of things being "off". I assure you, had you been in my shoes at the time, you'd have said, "Oh, he's such a good guy, he's really trying so hard to make this work". Heck, one of my closest friends just said that to me the other day. She still doesn't "see" it.

 

I wish I had just snooped and gotten it over with.

[reinventmyself]

Well, if you trust your instincts and walk away from relationships that give you a bad feeling, then this will have already solved the problem with an added benefit: your instincts will start to teach you how to avoid those relationships in the first place.

Hold out for a GOOD relationship. You'll thank yourself later.

 

In a perfect world we all are evolved enough to trust our instincts and make good choices.

 

Personally, I think it's a learned process. If I ran every time something spooked me, I'd be a nun.

 

For me it's been a combination of having been in bad experiences, comparing them to good ones to find my way.

But that's me. And, it's always a process.

Lord knows I wish I had a different way of learning this.

 

I envy those who can nail it the first time and never have to learn the hard way. For that matter, I don't know many that do.

 

It's like riding a bike. People rarely get it perfect the first time. They fall down a few times along the way and learn to

correct and not do it again.

 

(this is really weird for me, because I always agree with whatever Catfeeder says )

[katrina1980]

@reinvent - I've said this before but you are I are definitely kindred spirits. Not only about this topic, but many others.

 

Your posts are all spot on, could not have said it better myself!

 

And thank you for your response to my question.

 

After i temporarily walked out and stayed with a friend, he promised rehab and so I returned. He reneged on that, said he could kick it himself.

 

I never snooped, but I educated myself and had more knowledge this time, and it became quite obvious he was still using (and all the crap that went along with that) so I walked out for good in December 2015.

 

It was then he went into rehab, wanted to get back together after it completed, but the TRUST was gone so I continued moving on.

 

Without trust, there is NOTHING.

[Seymore]

In a perfect world we all are evolved enough to trust our instincts and make good choices.

 

Personally, I think it's a learned process. If I ran every time something spooked me, I'd be a nun.

 

 

SO much this. I wonder how many people have walked away from perfectly good relationships because their gut told them to...and it turned out their gut was wrong. Not everyone is that "in-tune" with their instincts.

 

And then the ones who turn tail and run every time they feel something wrong in a relationship - those people get labeled commitment-phobes.

[reinventmyself]

@reinvent - I've said this before but you are I are definitely kindred spirits. Not only about this topic, but many others.

 

I've noticed that too. You are like my little soul sister :) Haha

[catfeeder]

Snooping is unnecessary because the only reason you'd do it is to confirm a bad feeling. Well, if you trust your instincts and walk away from relationships that give you a bad feeling, then this will have already solved the problem with an added benefit: your instincts will start to teach you how to avoid those relationships in the first place.

 

Snooping becomes a moot point, because people in GOOD relationships don't need to do that.

 

Hold out for a GOOD relationship. You'll thank yourself later.

 

Okay, you all make great points, so let me back up on this and qualify it: if you snoop, be ready to find information you can't use without turning the focus on your own behavior and damaging the relationship further. So be prepared to either exit based on what you find, OR be prepared to discuss your feelings in terms of the suspicions that caused you to snoop in the first place rather than on the findings themselves.

 

This isn't a moralistic fingerwag, it's practical. It makes no sense to corner yourself into a confrontation over a statement that says, "I don't trust you, so I snooped on you, and so now YOU can't trust ME, either.

 

That's just a lose/lose. If your findings prove you wrong, then that's the jackpot territory that everyone hopes for--the message that says, "Quit contacting me, I love my partner more than life itself..." That's as rare as a real jackpot, so chances are, you're only going to find the stuff that's as vague as the OP's findings--which resolves nothing, or you're going to confirm your initial suspicion. That leads me back to the question, if you don't trust your partner, what are you doing with them, and what would you hope to accomplish by exposing that fact that they can't trust you, either?

 

So circle back to the foundational question that asks, "What am I in a relationship FOR?" If it's lead you to an adversarial position AGAINST a partner who you love but hope will turn around and become a trusting and trusted human being based on your confrontation, then go ahead and confront--and see what that buys you.

 

Otherwise, consider whether this degree of self torture is something you're doing based on partner's suspicious behavior, or whether it's a mistrust you've brought into the relationship based on past experiences. If it's based on your past, then maybe you're not relationship material at this time and need to do whatever it takes to get yourself to that place. If it's based on suspicious behavior from a partner, then how much 'proof' do you need in order to spell out for yourself that you do not trust this person?

 

Thanks for indulging me.