Jump to content

Should I be worried?


Allisonhendry
 Share

Recommended Posts

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a couple years now. We are very much in love and usually get along great. There was a girl before I came along who would text him lots and really liked him but as he was married previously nothing happened with her, the most that would happen he says is that he texted her back if she messaged him. So now a few years later he is divorced and he and I are together. We’ve lived together for over a year

Too.

 

He gives me no reason to think anything is going on other than I recently looked at his phone and over the course of 3 days he was texting this girl I mentioned. It was just about her dad as he is good friends with her dad and he has been sick in the hospital. I left it alone since nothing harmful was said. But I drove us home from Christmas drinks the other night. It was quite late and he was texting someone. He had been drinking too. I was curious who he was texting and once we got home and he had gone to bed I snooped and it was her. He texted that he had been thinking about her lots and then asked if she was still in the city (that’s where her dad is in the hospital). She just said no she was at

Home with her kids and they haven’t texted the last couple days since.

 

I’m not sure if I should be worried and bring it up or not. I feel ticked off at him and I’ve been acting grumpy towards him bc he knows I know she used to like him and don’t like them talking. Then he says “I’ve been thinking about you lots” to Her. Maybe he just meant I’ve been thinking about your family since it was Christmas and her dads stuck in the hospital. I don’t know but it’s really bothering me and I don’t know what to think. I don’t want him to know I was snooping on his phone either. Should I ask him about it or just assume he was thinking about her family and not just her?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you're not going to tell your someone you invaded their privacy and you're not going to discuss what you find then what in the name of all that is good is the point in snooping?

 

Talk to him about what you found and why you snooped and work it out with HIM. It's called 'communication' and it is how you keep a relationship together as you work through problems until they are resolved instead of saying nothing and stewing until you are anxiety ridden and full of resentment which will whittle away at your emotional bond.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It seems he thinks of her as a friend. However why are you chauffeuring him around while he's drunk-texting women?.

Also why did he move in with you so soon?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a couple years now. We’ve lived together for over a year. It was quite late and he was texting someone. He had been drinking too. I was curious who he was texting and once we got home and he had gone to bed I snooped and it was her. He texted that he had been thinking about her lots and then asked if she was still in the city
Link to comment
Share on other sites

We went for Christmas drinks with friends and one of us had to stay sober to drive and it was my turn. I don’t chauffeur him

Around regularly lol. And I moved in with him temporarily about 8 months into our relationship as I was having issues with my roommate just until I could find another place and we just fell for each other more and liked living together so I stayed

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP, you shouldn't have snooped. But you can't put that toothpaste back in the tube and you can't unread what you've read, so I'd just come clean. As TWT advised, I'd come clean about the snooping, apologize for it and admit it was wrong, but then just discuss your concern because otherwise it is going to eat at you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Pretty much. I abhor snooping, but I really can't understand the point of it if you're not going to do anything with what you've found. If it'd be a strange woman, I'd be a bit more wary, but given this woman's been around since before you (in other words, not a surprise) and that her father is sick, I'd assume he was being friendly, especially if you'd gone through their correspondences and that's the worst you could find.

 

Try your best to approach it from a place of humility and simply wanting to understand the context. At the same time, I'd ask yourself if there really is any result of you trusting him. What explanation would you accept? You'd previously monitored his texts and had found nothing even vaguely incriminating, yet here we are again. It seems apparent you simply don't trust him. Ideally, you'd address that distrust with your partner as that itself still shows at least some trust exists, but that ship has sailed. Best to be honest.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

People often snoop hoping they DON'T find anything to back up their suspicions, and if true, that there's nothing, they can move forward in the RL feeling more secure.

 

When she saw her bf texting in the car, jmo but she snooped hoping to discover he was only texting a family member or guy friend. Then she can breathe a sigh of relief, and move on from it.

 

Unfortunately, that didn't happen which is most often the case. If someone feels something is suspicious (like the OP), not always, but there's often good reason for it, and she (or he) WILL find something.

 

Doesn't mean she plans on confronting him about it, that's not why she snooped. Her hope was to find nothing suspicious so she could feel more secure in the RL.

 

Confronting is a whole n'other story. It will surely open up a huge can of worms merely by virtue of her snooping in the first place.

 

Then there's the issue of what she found. He's not going to admit he has any interest in this other girl other than a friend, so she can forget about that.

 

What's more likely to happen is he will turn it around and blame her for being paranoid and snooping.

 

That's usually how these things play out.

 

OP, my advice is to not confront him, but rather ask yourself why you are so suspicious and whether or not you trust him.

 

If the answer is no, there is no sense continuing the RL in my opinion.

 

If you can move past this in your own mind, and choose to TRUST him, then let it go and never snoop again.

 

If you're feeling off balance or insecure simply talk to him about it, communicate as TwT said -- DO NOT SNOOP.

 

Nothing good ever comes from that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't get the complete admonishing of people over snooping. I'm not FOR it, but if there are extremely suspicious circumstances, "communicating your feelings and insecurities" is NOT going to get someone to fess up if they're screwing you over.

 

Nothing good ever comes from that.

 

I disagree - there are some truly shady people out there. My best friend has NEVER snooped in his life except for ONE time, and if he hadn't snooped that one time, he would have married a skank who was screwing someone else while accepting the ring my friend proposed to her with, and she'd have been happy to keep screwing around while married to him without admitting anything, and then getting a bunch of his stuff when he divorced her - and all the trust in the world would have gotten him squat. I've snooped twice myself and both times my suspicions were confirmed.

 

My phone is completely open to whoever I'm with. Would I want them checking it all the time? No, and I wouldn't do the same to them, but I do believe there are extenuating circumstances, and if you adopt the "If you love them then you'll trust them" mentality you're liable to get screwed over by someone who will take advantage of your trust.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't get the complete admonishing of people over snooping. I'm not FOR it, but if there are extremely suspicious circumstances, "communicating your feelings and insecurities" is NOT going to get someone to fess up if they're screwing you over.

 

I disagree - there are some truly shady people out there. My best friend has NEVER snooped in his life except for ONE time, and if he hadn't snooped that one time, he would have married a skank who was screwing someone else while accepting the ring my friend proposed to her with, and she'd have been happy to keep screwing around while married to him without admitting anything, and then getting a bunch of his stuff when he divorced her - and all the trust in the world would have gotten him squat. I've snooped twice myself and both times my suspicions were confirmed.

 

My phone is completely open to whoever I'm with. Would I want them checking it all the time? No, and I wouldn't do the same to them, but I do believe there are extenuating circumstances, and if you adopt the "If you love them then you'll trust them" mentality you're liable to get screwed over by someone who will take advantage of your trust.

 

Fair enough, and I realize I'm a bit of an odd duck around here, but my feeling is if someone is suspicious enough of their partner's actions/activities to snoop, then either talk to them or just end it.

 

Snooping indicates lack of trust and when there is no trust, there is nothing, imo.

 

Even if the person snooping found nothing, the lack of trust alone should be reason enough to end it. And if I ever discovered my bf snooped on me, that would be reason enough for me to end it, again for the same reason, lack of trust.

 

I don't see how things could ever be the same again after that.

 

Not sure if that makes sense but it's how I feel.

 

For me personally, it would take something pretty blatant to cause me suspicion and if that's the case, I either bring what I "suspect" to his attention and gauge his reaction or end it, depending on how long we've been dating. Early days, it's just next.

 

If I choose to bring what I suspect to his attention, fortunately (for me, not so much for him), I am extremely perceptive and intuitive, nothing much gets by me, so it would be quite easy to detect any sort of BS, after which I am just out.

 

But yeah I get why some people need to snoop, I don't agree with it, but if it works for them, then more power to em.

Edited by katrina1980
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not sure how relevant this is to the OP's question and apologies for the hijack if it's not, but I'm gonna post a story which demonstrates how communicating before snooping is the better way to go. Again, my opinion.

 

My co-worker has been dating a man for a couple months. A few weeks ago, he started behaving rather suspiciously, his texting decreased, they weren't seeing each other as often, one night driving home, she discovered his car wasn't in his driveway late at night (he lives a few blocks away), among other things.

 

She suspected he was dating another woman, but instead of snooping, she talked to him about it! They went back and forth for a bit, frankly I didn't think it would end well, but long story short, they worked it out and are now exclusive!

 

I would imagine the outcome would have been very different had she instead chose to snoop.

 

Just now, because of this thread, I asked her why she chose to communicate instead of snooping.

 

And she said, at the very least, she trusted he would be honest with her, that they would have an honest communique about it, no matter how it turned out.

 

THAT, imo is a great foundation for a healthy lasting RL.

 

Snooping? Not so much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I brought up snooping in therapy once. My therapists opinion was, that if when asked repeatedly for honest disclosure and the person chooses to not give you the deserved information so you can make an informed decision in your own best interest, then the rules about invading someone's privacy go out the window.

 

I think after being asked repeatedly for honest disclosure and your partner refuses to give you the deserved information to make an informed decision, at that point, what would be in his/her own best interest is to WALK AWAY.

 

I absolutely don't get the justification for snooping, what would that resolve?

 

If your partner refuses to discuss or provide you with the deserved information, then why would you or anyone wish to be with someone like that anyway?

 

Just walk and find a man (or woman if roles are reversed) who knows how to be honest and communicate.

 

I'm literally shaking my head at your therapist's advice about that reinvent.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think after being asked repeatedly for honest disclosure and your partner refuses to give you the deserved information to make an informed decision, at that point, what would be in his/her own best interest is to WALK AWAY.

 

I absolutely don't get the justification for snooping, what would that resolve?

 

If your partner refuses to discuss or provide you with the deserved information, then why would you or anyone wish to be with someone like that anyway?

 

I'm literally shaking my head at your therapist's advice about that reinvent.

 

I didn't say the partner refused to have a discussion, but instead withheld the truth and it's hard to just away without the it, right?

In other words, you have just enough information or have connected the dots to feel strongly that something isn't right, but your partner denies it.

After a certain amount of time are you entitled to the information. . even if they aren't the one volunteering it?

 

I agree with this to a point, but personally refuse to be in situation where I would find myself in this kind of predicament.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I didn't say the partner refused to have a discussion and it's hard to just away without the truth, right?

In other words, you have just enough information or have connected the dots to feel strongly that something isn't right, but your partner denies it.

After a certain amount of time are you entitled to the information. . even if they aren't the one volunteering it?

 

Oh okay, I think I get it. You snoop in an effort to obtain the truth behind what you're suspecting in order to feel justified in walking away?

 

If so, for me, the fact he refuses to provide any information would be "truth" enough for me; at that point, and again just me, I would not need any tangible proof such that would be obtained by snooping.

 

But I get what you're saying. I've never been in that type of situation; perhaps if I ever am, I may understand the need to snoop better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have the opposite view...I will not give my love to someone I cannot trust.

 

If I'm in a relationship with someone and I have been unable to trust them for whatever reason, I won't be rewarding that person with my love.

 

I am the same. Trust is HUGE for me. No trust, no relationship.

 

Which as I said, is the reason I am so against snooping. One of the reasons.

 

It indicates a clear lack of trust no matter what is found.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thinking about what reinvent posted.

 

When my six year RL started to fall apart two years ago (due to his drug addiction which I never suspected), I knew something was off and confronted him several times about it.

 

I mean the man didn't even want to have sex with me, and our sex life for literally 5.5 years was like OFF THE CHARTS, always.

 

Anyway, his response was always he's tired, working too hard, stressed out, mourning the loss of his mom (who had passed away that summer), and other reasons.

 

I kinda suspected it was more than that, but just went along. But his behavior during this period was very hurtful.

 

I am being 100% truthful here, it never even occurred to me to snoop on his phone or email. Call it naiveté or too much trust, blind faith or whatever, but it didn't.

 

I am wondering now if I should have!

 

He finally came clean about the drugs and other crap after I temporarily walked out to stay with a friend, but had I snooped to get to the truth, probably would have saved me literally months of feeling confused and hurt.

 

So perhaps I DO understand after all reinvent.

 

I don't know, tough call.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Fair enough, and I realize I'm a bit of an odd duck around here, but my feeling is if someone is suspicious enough of their partner's actions/activities to snoop, then either talk to them or just end it.

 

Snooping indicates lack of trust and when there is no trust, there is nothing, imo.

 

Even if the person snooping found nothing, the lack of trust alone should be reason enough to end it. And if I ever discovered my bf snooped on me, that would be reason enough for me to end it, again for the same reason, lack of trust.

 

I don't see how things could ever be the same again after that.

 

Not sure if that makes sense but it's how I feel.

 

For me personally, it would take something pretty blatant to cause me suspicion and if that's the case, I either bring what I "suspect" to his attention and gauge his reaction or end it, depending on how long we've been dating. Early days, it's just next.

 

If I choose to bring what I suspect to his attention, fortunately (for me, not so much for him), I am extremely perceptive and intuitive, nothing much gets by me, so it would be quite easy to detect any sort of BS, after which I am just out.

 

But yeah I get why some people need to snoop, I don't agree with it, but if it works for them, then more power to em.

 

You're not the odd duck, I am - I've been here long enough to know that more people would agree with you than me.

 

Don't get me wrong, I felt like garbage both times I did it, but there's this "I have to be 100% sure" element to it. You have a better intuition than me or my friend and I wish I had that. Lots of things get by me and I've had girls pull stuff and when I'd express my concern that something wasn't right, I'd get told there was nothing going on AND wind up apologizing, only to find out there was something going on after all. Conversely, I've had concerns something wasn't right and been wrong - and been glad that I didn't jump to the conclusion to end things right there without knowing. At the same time, I can't count how many times I've heard "If you love them, trust them" and then seen people who live by that get burned.

 

Trust is a weird thing and I don't think it's as cut and dry as all or nothing, and everyone is different. Not snooping worked for your friend, snooping worked for mine. Maybe I don't have the same strict rule about snooping others do, but at the same time there are things I've been ok with girlfriends doing that those same other people would never allow their SO to do.

 

You snoop in an effort to obtain the truth behind what you're suspecting in order to feel justified in walking away?

 

This is more my frame of mind. It would absolutely suck if I left a relationship based on my intuition and nothing else, because I've been wrong before and might have just screwed up something good.

 

 

If so, for me, the fact he refuses to provide any information would be "truth" enough for me;

 

Refusing to provide ANY info? Yeah that would be enough for me as well. But some people lie and think nothing of it - not only that, they'll lie and make you feel bad for even being suspicious.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wrote on another post just today . .that I have been in those relationships that the urge to snoop was overwhelming.

I felt anxious and insecure. I really thought something was fundamentally wrong with me! Especially when he was telling me otherwise.

 

Then I had a relationship (or two) where I never once felt inclined. No doubts, totally safe and secure. huh. .

 

Both times my gut was right. The anxiety was there for good reason and so was the secure feeling.

One was not trustworthy while the other one was not.

 

So yes, trusting your gut is paramount. As if it is that easy, right?

 

If you love them, trust them? Yah, not so quick!

Trust is earned and easily lost.

 

I will never snoop again. You know why? Because I won't stick around someone long enough if I start feeling insecure.

I've learned that lesson enough times and I know the difference between the two.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

reinvent, wondering what you would have done in the situation I posted about (post 17).

 

Six year RL, we were actually engaged to be married in Hawaii the following year (2016).

 

In the summer of 2015, while in New York caring for his mom, he became addicted to drugs and alcohol, when he returned I knew something was OFF, for months, confronted, he replied all was well, just tired and stressed, so I just went along, feeling hurt and confused by his erratic behavior. I trusted him.

 

It never occurred to me to snoop, but do you think I should have in that situation?

 

To save me months of feeling confused and hurt by his behavior?

 

I respect your opinion a lot, so would be interested to know what you would have done in my shoes.

 

Thanks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

His answer to your question minus your snooping is pretty predictable, so why bother? His response to raising your snooping will likely be focused on your snooping rather than the answer you'd want.

 

What, exactly, would you hope to accomplish by raising this? Play that out in your mind to determine whether the outcome you want is possible and worth the risk of the damage it may cause.

 

Decide whether you trust your BF or not. If so, then what good would come from ruining his trust in you by raising your snooping? If not, then what are you doing with him?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with this. Most of the time there is trust and no one even wants to snoop. However, if things are not adding up and you may be damaged in that process, you have the right to protect yourself when someone doesn't have your best interest at heart. Only a fool waits around like a sitting duck being deceived and ultimately screwed over.

if when asked repeatedly for honest disclosure and the person chooses to not give you the deserved information so you can make an informed decision in your own best interest, then the rules about invading someone's privacy go out the window.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So you guys would up and walk out of a relationship without any proof? If your SO came home 4 hours after they said they would be home and said their phone was dead and they stuck to that story, you'd up and leave? Or would you stay?

 

I dunno man, but if I invested years in a relationship I wouldn't be able to drop it on a whim over speculation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So you guys would up and walk out of a relationship without any proof? If your SO came home 4 hours after they said they would be home and said their phone was dead and they stuck to that story, you'd up and leave? Or would you stay?

 

I dunno man, but if I invested years in a relationship I wouldn't be able to drop it on a whim over speculation.

 

I agree with this and everything else Seymore and reinventmyself posted.

 

In my 18 month recent relationship, I never once snooped, but now, I wish I had. I'd have saved myself 17 of those months, as his nonsense was going on from Day 1.

 

I kept telling myself I was above the snooping. That if I didn't trust him, I needed to just end it! But...there's always that hope, that belief that those sweet words they are saying are true. So you don't want to just blindly end it, because what if you're wrong? What if I had ended it at say, 6 months, without really, truly knowing?

 

So here's a little story that I so wish I could have changed:

--At month 3, I discovered he was on multiple dating sites, still, which was long after he asked for Exclusivity. Daily logins. I checked the sites, which isn't snooping, as anyone can view them. I asked him, he lied, and we had a huge fight, I broke up, and he begged and pleaded. Back on.

--At month 6, we were in a dark car backseat, and he checked his email, so the phone lit up. I glanced over at the light, and saw an email from a dating site, saying "So-and-so" wrote to you. This was a different site than the others, one he claimed he had never heard of when we discussed the sites.

--I went home and opened up that site, and there was his profile, logged in that day.

--I called him at midnight and cussed him out and broke up again. What did he do? Beg, plead, cry, insist that he had "no idea" how that showed logged in, and that he'd stand on his mother's grave and swear on it. I took him back.

 

Here's where I wished I had done something: I wish now I had created a fake profile and written to him. Or, gotten his phone when he wasn't around.

 

Yes, my trust was broken. But he cried and begged and kept his offer of flying to his mother's grave site, that he had "no idea" how it happened. Even logic: "How could someone write to you if you weren't active?" fell on deaf ears. And when your emotions are involved, he kept on with the sweet nothings, the promises of a future, and yes, I got all caught up in, for one more year..

 

I wish I had just snooped and gotten it over with. The truth would have hit me in the face, and I'd have been done with that jack wipe so much sooner.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...