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Boyfriend failed to mention


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My boyfriend of a year has a friend I do not care for. I have to say right off the bat his friend is a woman just to place in context the situation I have an issue with.

 

I simply do not like this particular friend because she makes these damaging comments in small groups about other groups of people. Kind of like a covert racist. And she makes snide comments towards me. And I have told him I do not care to hang out if she's there nor double date.

 

Fast forward, I noticed she posted a picture of herself, her boyfriend and my boyfriend at a concert.

 

 

My boyfriend did not tell me he was going to a concert and he didn't tell me at this concert he was going with the female friend and her boyfriend.

 

Of course without making it seem like I'm crazy or jealous by bringing it up to my bf- I want to take a sample poll to see if this sort of behavior from my bf is "normal", "right", "wrong" or whatever. I just want to take a step back and sort my thoughts

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You won’t hang out with her but presumably they are still friends. That means there are two options - he hangs out with her with your permission or he hangs out without telling you.

 

That leads to three questions.

 

Do you want him to ask permission? And is he required to ask permission to hang with any of his friends?

 

Would you have said yes had he asked for permission?

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If he says he's hanging out with her then I'll say, "okay."

 

And I understand Hollyj he knows I don't like her-as in he doesn't want to upset me or mention her to me just cause I don't like her.

 

i think my issue is more that I found out through her and not him. He tells me when he hangs out with her- not what they are doing but that he's going to or did hang with her and her bf. And this incident nothing was mentioned.

 

I'll end it there. It was more of the surprise and I just wanted to get options

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I kind of think this depends on the conversation you had with your boyfriend. Did you make it clear that you're uncomfortable with him hanging out with her? Or did you just focus on the fact that you don't want to be around her??

 

For example, there is a particular female who was good friends with my husband growing up, and every single time she sees me, she always goes on and on about how they "grew up together" and were "best friends" for years, blah blah. After watching her follow my husband around for the majority of our 4th of July party, I finally felt my husband needed to be aware of my feelings toward her. So about a week after the party, I told him she made me uncomfortable, I didn't like her being around him, and I wanted him to know that. That's all I said. I didn't forbid him from talking to her or anything crazy like that, just made my feelings known. He's taken it upon himself to keep his distance from her. He's run into her a few times since then and was polite, friendly even, but kept the conversation short and moved on. He's respected my feelings without me having to specifically say "don't do this, don't do that" etc.

 

My point is, a good man will respect your feelings without you having to give him "rules". So if you make it clear to your bf that it really bothers you when he spends time with her, he should at least offer suggestions to make you feel better. He may not cut her off completely, and you shouldn't expect him to, but you've got to find a compromise.

 

If he decides to handle it by just hiding things from you, well, you really only have to decide then if you want to tolerate that or not. I wouldn't.

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Indea08

 

Thanks. I necessarily don't have a problem with him hanging out with her. He's free to do so. I just don't like being around her because of her personality and attitude. If I were to meet her outside of my boyfriend I know for a fact I would not be friends with her.

 

I just wish my bf doesnt feel like he has to hide certain things. Usually if I ask him about his day he tells me, but this time he didn't mention this for whatever reason.

 

No moaning or groaning as someone else mentioned. When he mentions her, I just say "okay." I don't forbid him nor have certain rules for him concerning her.

 

I just rather not be around her in general. Not my cup of tea.

 

The problem is more is if I should bring this incident up to him. But I don't want to sound crazy if I do so I came here to sort it out and get opinions.

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If he'd post the event on social media or not remove tags to himself, then he's not 'hiding' anything. He doesn't see the point in discussing the time he spends with someone you don't like.

 

I wouldn't position a loved one in a damned-either-way scenario. He takes whutsername off of your radar because he know how you feel about her. I'd respect his choice to do that and avoid drama about it.

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