Best Way to Handle an Increasingly Emotionally Unstable Partner?

[hunter s]

So hello all,

 

I found myself in an odd position and figured it'd be better to ask for some advice before I make the wrong decision and end up causing more problems. The dilemma is that my girlfriend (we're both in high school) asked to take a break because she wanted to deal with some of her issues. After a little bit of denial, I realized that she really does need some time alone because it's out of my control to help directly. She has been in therapy for years so it isn't like her problems aren't being addressed, and she's genuinely a great person. We're still more or less talking.

 

This evening she texted me to tell me she was drunk after drinking about half a bottle of vodka. She doesn't have a drinking problem or anything, she said she wanted to "feel something". I know that telling her mom immediately would just stress her out more so I don't want to do anything too hastily. She has asked me to come by her house tomorrow to just talk (again, she is drunk so I asked her to check with me in the morning about this to make sure she isn't saying anything by mistake). I'm not worried about getting hurt or anything going terribly, I just wanted to ask about what my best options might be at this point. She has been my best friend and I do care about her, so I want to help her if at all possible. Would it be in my best interest to keep it calm and continue talking with her/walking her through a time like this, or should I report it to her mom/a guidance counselor and let them handle it, along with stepping back? She does have a psychiatrist and a network of therapists available so it wouldn't take any work to get her into a different kind of treatment, but currently she is very distrustful of basically everyone except me and one other friend right now, and I know she's on the tipping point of lashing out at a lot of people in her life, so I don't want to cause her any more problems.

 

Thank you all for any advice you have. I know it's hard to give perfect advice when you don't personally know the person struggling, but I'm open to whatever ideas could help her the most.

[halfinhalfout]

So hello all,

 

I found myself in an odd position and figured it'd be better to ask for some advice before I make the wrong decision and end up causing more problems. The dilemma is that my girlfriend (we're both in high school) asked to take a break because she wanted to deal with some of her issues. After a little bit of denial, I realized that she really does need some time alone because it's out of my control to help directly. She has been in therapy for years so it isn't like her problems aren't being addressed, and she's genuinely a great person. We're still more or less talking.

 

This evening she texted me to tell me she was drunk after drinking about half a bottle of vodka. She doesn't have a drinking problem or anything, she said she wanted to "feel something". I know that telling her mom immediately would just stress her out more so I don't want to do anything too hastily. She has asked me to come by her house tomorrow to just talk (again, she is drunk so I asked her to check with me in the morning about this to make sure she isn't saying anything by mistake). I'm not worried about getting hurt or anything going terribly, I just wanted to ask about what my best options might be at this point. She has been my best friend and I do care about her, so I want to help her if at all possible. Would it be in my best interest to keep it calm and continue talking with her/walking her through a time like this, or should I report it to her mom/a guidance counselor and let them handle it, along with stepping back? She does have a psychiatrist and a network of therapists available so it wouldn't take any work to get her into a different kind of treatment, but currently she is very distrustful of basically everyone except me and one other friend right now, and I know she's on the tipping point of lashing out at a lot of people in her life, so I don't want to cause her any more problems.

 

Thank you all for any advice you have. I know it's hard to give perfect advice when you don't personally know the person struggling, but I'm open to whatever ideas could help her the most.

 

 

Hey Hunter! First, I really admire how you've been incredibly mature and thoughtful, especially given your age!!!! This is huge. You're leagues ahead of your fellow students, I'm sure. So keep up the good work!

 

When it comes to mental health, you are correct in your understanding that she is the only one who can really help yourself. It's a tough journey to go on. And it's hard for those who care about the person to witness it but I'm very happy to hear she has a small yet very supportive network to back her up. I applaud your wanting to be there for her. I think it's really lovely and I'm sure she appreciates it. She seems to have a handle on the situation enough to acknowledge her inability to be a good girlfriend to you right now. Major kudos for her honesty. I'd say if you want to continue to be involved, follow that impulse BUT there is two major caveats. Do not enable any of her self destructive behaviors. Let her know, in the kindest, gentlest way possible, that you don't think drinking is a great idea right now. Don't be surprised if she gets defensive, just be patient. The second caveat is to take extra good care of yourself right now too. It sucks for a partner to step away from the relationship so guard your heart and NO.MATTER.WHAT do what is best for YOU.

[glitterfingers]

I'm actually torn on this, the situation isn't clear cut. From a purely moral/ethical standpoint, you could do what is in her best interests and report the issue. But from a social responsibility standpoint, I foresee reporting her would likely create way more problems for her than it solves. Mainly because, while half a bottle of vodka is a LOT of alcohol, if she was not acting erratically and getting herself in trouble, it might just be harmless teenage behaviour. Kids experiment with drugs and alcohol. You can't stop them, and you want to be wary about bringing it to the attention of people who might blow the situation out of proportion because that will end badly for everyone. I know virtually NO teenager who was punished by an adult for alcohol/drug use and came out resolved not to do alcohol/drugs again. More than likely, they continue to do it but they get sneakier about it and take more risks. So from your point of view, telling on her? Breaks the trust between the two of you, gives her reasons to lie to you and others about what she's doing

 

If it becomes a continuing problem that she regularly binge drinks, and/or she starts to associate with the wrong crowd, and/or she seems to be putting herself in dangerous situations, the best person to tell is your parent. Your parents will likely help you figure out when and how these things should be addressed, and if anyone is going to speak to her parents or guidance counsellor, your parents are the best people to do it. It removes some of the guilt/responsibility from you, and leaves a difficult situation in the hands of people who are more capable of dealing with the fall-out

 

For now, I would probably try and tell her that you're concerned for her, but that you want to respect her space to deal with whatever is going on in her life. You can go visit her if you want, but I don't think you should push for the relationship to continue.

 

And ultimately, as much as you care for her, you need to look out for yourself too. If this situation gets too much for you, create a bit more distance from her by responding to her texts less often and not going over to her house. You're not necessarily cutting ties, but you don't want to take on someone else's life when you have a whole life of your own that you need to manage

 

I do not miss being a teenager

 

Good luck

[hunter s]

Thank you both for the advice. I'll continue to stay modestly involved unless the situation gets much worse. I actually am very lucky to have a supportive mom who would handle the situation well if it came down to it. My girlfriend/ex-girlfriend/however this ends up does not typically drink, but if it turns into a regular issue I will be sure to step back if it feels necessary.