I cheated..regretted it... don't know how to move on

[AnyaASDFG]

My boyfriend and I have been together since the end of sophomore year in highschool. It is currently the end of our first semester in college. So 2.5 years together..

The first year together was magic.. I have never felt so close to someone in my life and honestly I feel like I never will again. The second year was good, but there were problems. He said he felt as if I were not giving him enough time and he felt ignored, even though I left all my friends for him and spent almost every day with him. It started escalating to the point of where I started asking him permission to go see my friends and he'd get mad that I'd rather spend time with other people. He also lost trust in me because rumors were being spread about me in school being with other guys and doing them sexual favors, which were not true, but he must have believed them. Because of this , he found the passwords to all my social media accounts and monitored them regularly without me knowing for a long time.. which made me incredibly mad when I found out. We would fight really hard but make up really passionately later. I thought no conflict could tear us apart because I thought our love for each other could conquer all.

Apart from this, our relationship was amazing.. so passionate, and I loved him so so much.

 

I feel that things started really going downhill when college started. We both moved four hours away from home to go to college together. Things were great at first, we finally had the freedom to spend as much time together as we wanted. But after a few weeks I started making friends and spending some time after class just hanging out with my new aquaintances. He got upset at the fact that I wasn't spending as much time with him anymore, which I understand, so I ditched my new friends and spent all my time with him again. However, he did make a pretty female friend that I was really jealous of. He must've liked that I was jealous over him so he started doing things like mentioning how pretty she was,or how fun she was to be around. This hurt me really bad and I made efforts to look better for him, etc. It escalated eventually to the point of him calling me a worthless for the rumors that were spread about me and telling me she and I were on the same level to him now,and all I did was cry in front of him and beg him to stop hurting me. He apologized later and asked to start over and I agreed.

 

She went away but other problems started. We fought a lot again and I'll admit I said really rude things to him too,and ignored him for days when I was mad. He kept monitoring my accounts and keeping track of where I was when I wasn't replying to him. I know his intentions weren't bad. He just couldn't trust me and he felt insecure. He would get really sad on days when I didn't feel like having sex, saying I must be not attracted to him anymore, so I'd say okay even if I didn't feel like it, and it resulted in unpleasant sex and ultimately this kindof made it really hard to get turned on around him. I felt really hurt by him a lot of the time, and I felt like the passion and chemistry and emotional connection was slipping away, and it was hard to want sex with him at a time of so much stress. So that only made things worse.

 

Anyways, right before Thanksgiving break, I was about to go catch my bus to visit my family, when he got really upset/mad and basically said I shouldn't visit my family and I should stay with him. I said I see him every day anyways and I want to see my family at least sometimes. (We had this same fight when I went home for my birthday, too.) He was crying and really upset that I'd be gone for a few days, so I hugged him and kissed him and told him it'll be okay, even though I was extremely mad that I have to fight to go see my parents. I had to go catch my bus but he wasn't letting go of the hug... He just held me tighter and tighter and wouldn't let go so that I couldn't get on the bus. I was about to miss my bus but he still wouldn't let me go. I was crying and I literally had to kick and scream to get him to let go of me. I was so so mad oh my god it just wasn't fair, what did I do do deserve that kind of treatment. At that moment I was so mad and fed up that I felt no love for the first time

So over the break we didn't text or talk much. I was still super mad. One night I was really horny but I was still extremely mad at my boyfriend so I just went online, found a hot guy and exchanged pictures and had a really sexual conversation. The next day I have 53 missed calls from my boyfriend.. he found the messages because he had my account password and was monitoring my account again. I was panicking so bad, we talked on the phone , we both cried a lot. All the feelings came back for me, and I couldn't believe I did such a thing the night before, I don't think I ever regretted something this much in my life. He said he can't forgive me for this, which I understand.. He said he will be taking an opportunity to move to Germany in a few weeks and that we're over, even though he loves me still. I love him too..

 

I feel that deep inside I felt like our relationship was dying, and it hurts so much to think about. It hurts that even if I begged him to stay, our problems wouldn't go away, and they'd only get worse... but it's so hard to respect his space now and let him go. I have so much guilt and regret. I don't know how I'm going to get over this. I've honestly never felt so much pain in my life. someone help me what do I do

[MissCanuck]

You give yourself time and space to heal.

 

Your relationship was not a healthy one, and you were both making each other unhappy. Him monitoring you and smothering you, you stepping out and seeking out another guy because you were mad - this is all so toxic.

 

Given how young you both are, you don't really have any other relationship experience to compare this to, but you will grow and learn from this. As you move on, you will see that it was time for this relationship to end. This isn't love anymore.

[Keyman]

I think you have to let this relationship go. It seems to have run its course. That your boyfriend won't let you go to see your family because he wont see you really suggests some serious insecurities and control issues. That he has monitored your social media for a long time shows these signs of control and the more you played into it, the worse he got.

 

That you sought revenge over your anger at him for not letting you go to see your family is just a small thing, and the sexting just proves the place you were in at the time.

 

Personally, I think he needs to be on his own for a while to try and work through his rather major issues, so while you will no doubt try to chase after him and keep contact, I personally think you should just let him go. While you feel a strong love for him, this relationship was unhealthy based around his need to totally monopolise your free time.

[lunanoir94]

Your boyfriends behavior is extremely manipulative and toxic. It sounds like you two had a very intense, romantic relationship at first but he became incredibly controlling. There are many red flags, from his inability to allow you to have a life outside of him, his constant snooping on your social media accounts and the sexual aspect. It becomes even darker at that when you are saying he is badgering you for sex (that you can't get into) and of course the fact that he was physically trying to restrain you to visit your family...

 

A healthy love never controls, but encourages the best for their partner! I would never want to keep my S/O from his friends and especially not his family. I would say moving four hours just to go to the same college together might not have been the hottest idea. You are in a transition period in your life, A LOT can change in a person when they are going from high school to college and really becoming an adult. You need the space to come into yourself and enjoy these new experiences!! He is holding you back and if he meets his end goal, it will result in you totally isolated from everyone but him.

 

No matter how painful or miserable a relationship gets, I know it is easier said than done to walk away from an unhealthy relationship. Bad relationships sometimes feel like good ones, because the overall passion seems to blind us and "make up" for the excusable. But that does not change anything. I think a break is very necessary at the very least. Perhaps your bf may mature or change but you need to stop enabling his behavior. By passivley allowing him to snoop on your accounts, and not taking a stand for yourself, you are just letting the abuse go on. Who knows how badly it could escalate. I think you should consult someone IRL about this relationship, whether it be a close friend, family member or counsellor. They may also have some insightful words to help you realize that something must change. You need to set some boundaries and realize what he's been doing to you is not real love.

[SherrySher]

Your boyfriend didn't trust you and you proved him right. You got bored of him and didn't want to be around him, you eventually went to another man.

 

This can't be fixed.

 

It was a very unhealthy relationship with your boyfriend not trusting you and the fighting you did, etc.

 

There isn't anything you can do now except learn the lessons it taught you and move on.

[superfan]

OP, you are SO much better off without this guy!

 

Yes, you made a bad choice sexting a stranger, but honestly the fact that you were still in this abusive relationship is a much bigger red flag.

 

Make no mistake your exes actions were textbook signs of abuse. Re read your post. Look at the things he did to you.

 

He:

 

Isolated you from family and friends

Manipulated you emotionally and made you feel worthless

Forced you to account for your whereabouts at all times

Monitored your social media accounts because he didn't trust you

Made baseless accusations that you felt the need to constantly defend

Badgered you for sex until you gave in, even though you didn't want to

Tried to physically restrain you from seeing your family.

 

The only thing he hadn't done (yet) was hit you and believe me, if you had stayed, he very likely would have.

 

You DO NOT deserve that. A healthy relationship does not involve treating someone you love this way.

 

A secure, healthy emotional attachment has more than just "passion". it has trust and mutual respect.

 

Your boyfriend monitoring you and forcing you to abandon your friends and family shows zero trust and zero respect. Someone who cares for you wants what is best for you.

 

I almost never condone cheating, but in this case you doing so might have freed you from a very dangerous situation.

 

Do not let this guy back into your life.

 

Use this to teach you about what you do not want from a relationship in the future. It is not healthy.

 

PLEASE have a look at these links to see how disturbing your partner's behaviour truly was.

 

https://au.reachout.com/articles/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship

[superfan]

Your boyfriend didn't trust you and you proved him right. You got bored of him and didn't want to be around him, you eventually went to another man.

 

This can't be fixed.

 

It was a very unhealthy relationship with your boyfriend not trusting you and the fighting you did, etc.

 

There isn't anything you can do now except learn the lessons it taught you and move on.

 

You could look at it that way. Or you could say that her actions actually got her out of a very toxic and potentially dangerous relationship. A relationship in which her boyfriend was controlling her every move, manipulating her emotionally and sexually, isolating her from those she cared about, physically trying to prevent her from leaving and displaying some pretty dangerous behaviour.

 

But yeah, she cheated cause she was bored.

[AnyaASDFG]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Its really hard but I talked to my mom and I guess us breaking up will turn into a blessing in disguise one day, cause we were both miserable and stressed way too often together.

I learned my lesson and I don't want to cheat ever again with whoever is next .. but I'm also just not gonna let the relationship progress so far if I see the same red flags next time lol..

I still feel really depressed but oh well. I'm miserable without him right now but I'm miserable with him lately anyways.

It's harder than I thought to let go of the plans that we had for the future

Maybe we'll find each other again someday idk

[Ziggy123]

Sounds like your mindset is good and you are healing :) it will get better. Just keep reminding yourself how miserable you were with him and you don't want to go back.

[jimthzz]

Not to pile on here, but OMG, you are going to be so much better without this guy.

 

You are young, learn from this experience.

 

But definitely, do not go back to him.

 

I can see how his all-consuming attention to you as a young girl seemed flattering--at first.

 

But now you know the destructive possessiveness of it. Not healthy at all.

 

Don't sweat the sexting thing too much.

 

Move on and if anyone you are interested in starts behaving such as this guy did? Move on from them too.