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I do say that a lot, don't I?!

 

Anyhow, it is all good. I mean, that funky little romantic flame-out I documented? Yeah, it drifted past the "Welcome to Loonyville" quick, and made too sane people momentarily loony before the whiplash set it, but it wasn't without worth. She was cool, and in our short time we connected in some ways I was really longing for, without even knowing it. Expanded the tunnel vision—on myself, and my expectations of connections—a few critical degrees that served me well in the months to come, both in what I was looking for and how to handle myself in the forest while looking.

 

It also makes for a great story over a bottle of wine with friends, which ain't nothing.

 

I think I even prefaced this portion of my thread along the lines of "So, no doubt I'm human".

 

Similar to your situation, BC, I enjoyed the connection that I shared with this guy, even though it was short-lived and mainly via text.

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Again I'd be careful about the assumptions you make - it sounds like you're describing someone you know well for purposes of a romantic relationship "open from the get go" -yes, as texting buddies your texts revealed personal information from the get go. And to me that's largely irrelevant to whether you two would have had that type of dynamic in person too and your choices to maintain this mostly over text tells me that at least one of you liked the security of being open with the comfortable barrier of a screen -the easy out, the ability to wait before responding which isn't as possible in person or over the phone. So you had these assumptions about what you two were that transcended text buddies and you kind of mixed apples and oranges which created unrealistic expectations.

 

I often have to remind myself to have realistic expectations -because for me life with a child can be wildly unpredictable and I forget to appreciate when it's not, forget to calm down when things seem chaotic and I go down the "what if" path. Dating was the same in the sense that my expectation upon meeting someone was that if we'd made a plan he'd show up, as would I. I had zero expectations of a first official date unless we had a time/place plan made at the end of the date. Because I was realistic, not negative. You expected him to respond to a text just as he'd responded to texts in the past after the first time you met - but you never took into account that after you texted all that time you met again and months after the first time - so you went into a totally different realm and then you throw in dating potential -yet another realm. So expecting him to receive the lengthy and emotional and somewhat critical of him text you sent in the same "open from the get go" way makes little sense to me. You two didn't have an established romantic relationship -you'd met twice, and only one official date. Months apart.

 

My guess is if you two hadn't seen each other again but had a disagreement of some sort over text that he would have responded similar to the way he typically did to texts. But you were texting about the second time you met in person. And all those months in between weren't just about convenience. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. If he really wanted to see you in that time period or if you really wanted to see him you'd have made it happen much sooner. That you didn't says something too.

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milly, I am sure you mentioned this in your earlier posts, but why did it take you nine months to meet in person?

 

Does he/did he live in another country or something?

 

Various reasons, I think, and we were both at fault for not meeting sooner.

 

I created a thread about him before, where he was being less than direct in terms of asking me out (if you want to check it out).

 

In February/March I reached my limit in terms of texting and reached out to him and asked him when we could meet in person (at this point, we hadn't communicated in about two weeks). He responded by telling me that he missed me, apologized for not reaching out, and advised me that he had been in and out of the hospital, and just the night before (I think) was diagnosed with mono. He further said that once he was better, he wanted to meet up.

 

He was still consistent with his texting and kept me updated on his progress.

 

But it reached a point where I thought he was better and therefore, lost momentum in terms of keeping up with the texting because he wasn't making an effort to meet me.

 

Three or four weeks had passed without any sort of communication, and then during the first week in July, he reached out to ask me how I was doing. I told him that I couldn't engage in endless texting anymore. He responded by saying that he expected me to respond the way I did, but that the main reason he was contacting me at that point was to set up a meet (and that he wasn't just saying this because I happened to mention that I didn't want to text back and forth anymore). Apparently he was sick up until this point, but I didn't know this.

 

So, that's how we ended up meeting a week ago.

 

And we're only about a 7 or 8 minute drive from each other.

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Oh my gawd milly, okay moving forward, when a man lives 7 or 8 minutes away, and is unable to meet in person (for whatever reason) within 2-3 weeks TOPS, you abort mission.

 

I have a completely different take on this now, there is a reason he wanted to wait so long, was "sick" or whatever other excuses he conjured up to avoid meeting.

 

Some sort of fear pertaining to real live in person relationships, or he may suffer from a social anxiety, whatever it is, it's not healthy, it's not normal, you stop communicating and wish him well.

 

Lesson learned! :D xx

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Again I'd be careful about the assumptions you make - it sounds like you're describing someone you know well for purposes of a romantic relationship "open from the get go" -yes, as texting buddies your texts revealed personal information from the get go. And to me that's largely irrelevant to whether you two would have had that type of dynamic in person too and your choices to maintain this mostly over text tells me that at least one of you liked the security of being open with the comfortable barrier of a screen -the easy out, the ability to wait before responding which isn't as possible in person or over the phone. So you had these assumptions about what you two were that transcended text buddies and you kind of mixed apples and oranges which created unrealistic expectations.

 

I often have to remind myself to have realistic expectations -because for me life with a child can be wildly unpredictable and I forget to appreciate when it's not, forget to calm down when things seem chaotic and I go down the "what if" path. Dating was the same in the sense that my expectation upon meeting someone was that if we'd made a plan he'd show up, as would I. I had zero expectations of a first official date unless we had a time/place plan made at the end of the date. Because I was realistic, not negative. You expected him to respond to a text just as he'd responded to texts in the past after the first time you met - but you never took into account that after you texted all that time you met again and months after the first time - so you went into a totally different realm and then you throw in dating potential -yet another realm. So expecting him to receive the lengthy and emotional and somewhat critical of him text you sent in the same "open from the get go" way makes little sense to me. You two didn't have an established romantic relationship -you'd met twice, and only one official date. Months apart.

 

My guess is if you two hadn't seen each other again but had a disagreement of some sort over text that he would have responded similar to the way he typically did to texts. But you were texting about the second time you met in person. And all those months in between weren't just about convenience. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. If he really wanted to see you in that time period or if you really wanted to see him you'd have made it happen much sooner. That you didn't says something too.

 

I just wanted to note, we only met the once in person (last weekend).

 

I always knew there would be a possibility that if we met in person, we may not connect. We even "discussed" this via text.

 

I wanted the connection to be there, and I have no doubt that he wanted it to be there, too. But it wasn't. And I think we both went into the night with certain expectations, even if we didn't want there to be any at all.

 

Did I expect him to respond to my text (re: him seeming curt) in the same way as he had communicated with me over the last 9 months or so? I did. Because I thought that's who he was...

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>>My guess is if you two hadn't seen each other again but had a disagreement of some sort over text that he would have responded similar to the way he typically did to texts.

 

Agree and it's similar if not identical to what I posted too, about starting with clean slate. A slate that come from a place that is real versus fantasy.

 

And because you had met in person, the energy was different, the vibe was different, you were starting from a clean slate, almost as if those prior texts never existed.

 

That is why, again it's so very important to not engage in protracted and prolonged text messaging for months prior to meeting.

 

I dunno milly, I am wondering why huge red lights didn't go off in your brain after a month or so, I mean you live only 7-8 minutes away from each other!

 

I mean a quick ten minute coffee just to get a vibe, a feel for each other?

 

Not judging, just curious more than anything.

 

Anyway, I think the guy has "issues" and imo you actually dodged a bullet.

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Oh my gawd milly, okay moving forward, when a man lives 7 or 8 minutes away, and is unable to meet in person (for whatever reason) within 2-3 weeks TOPS, you abort mission.

 

I have a completely different take on this now, there is a reason he wanted to wait so long, was "sick" or whatever other excuses he conjured up to avoid meeting.

 

Some sort of fear pertaining to real live in person relationships, or he may suffer from a social anxiety, whatever it is, it's not healthy, it's not normal, you stop communicating and wish him well.

 

Lesson learned! :D xx

 

Thank you for saying this. I agree. I do believe there's more to this...more to him, and I'm not just saying this because of what happened.

 

I always sensed there was a fear on his part, and again, I could be wrong here...but his curtness (or whatever you want to call it) when we met, was that same fear rearing it's ugly head in person (seriously, this was what my gut was telling me!). He was extremely defensive! He seems like a pretty sensitive, emotional guy and although I believe that he truly wants to find a relationship and connect with someone, I think he fears getting hurt. I was like this in my 20's! I hurt the other person (even though I didn't want to) before they hurt me. I mean, I could be way off base here, but I referred to this in my earlier posts in this thread about this situation, and how I felt this might be the case.

 

And, when we met, I asked him: Why did you expect me to respond the way that I did...when I told you that I didn't want to engage in endless texting anymore? He says, "...because our meet was long overdue". I responded by saying, "well, when you initially asked me out for pizza/burgers that one late afternoon, and I told you I couldn't, I explained that I'd be open to meeting any other day, you said 'ok', and that was it". His response? "Oh, I thought you were just being polite". I was like, "huh? That makes no sense"; especially because I continued to exchange texts with him.

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>>My guess is if you two hadn't seen each other again but had a disagreement of some sort over text that he would have responded similar to the way he typically did to texts.

 

Agree and it's similar if not identical to what I posted too, about starting with clean slate. A slate that come from a place that is real versus fantasy.

 

And because you had met in person, the energy was different, the vibe was different, you were starting from a clean slate, almost as if those prior texts never existed.

 

That is why, again it's so very important to not engage in protracted and prolonged text messaging for months prior to meeting.

 

I dunno milly, I am wondering why huge red lights didn't go off in your brain after a month or so, I mean you live only 7-8 minutes away from each other!

 

I mean a quick ten minute coffee just to get a vibe, a feel for each other?

 

Not judging, just curious more than anything.

 

Anyway, I think the guy has "issues" and imo you actually dodged a bullet.

 

Red lights were going off, which is why I posted about him in a thread on this site.

 

But I should have pulled out of this long before this happened.

 

Like I said, I'm not innocent. I played a role. We were feeding off of each other...

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I just wanted to note, we only met the once in person (last weekend).

 

I always knew there would be a possibility that if we met in person, we may not connect. We even "discussed" this via text.

 

I wanted the connection to be there, and I have no doubt that he wanted it to be there, too. But it wasn't. And I think we both went into the night with certain expectations, even if we didn't want there to be any at all.

 

Did I expect him to respond to my text (re: him seeming curt) in the same way as he had communicated with me over the last 9 months or so? I did. Because I thought that's who he was...

 

Right and "who he was" for purposes of dating.... you have absolutely no idea or no relevant idea and the texting made it less likely for you to have an idea of what it would be like to go on a date in person. So that can sabotage the in person meeting. Sorry I read it incorrectly and thought you'd met once back then with a huge break. Yes, I do know who people are based just on a texting relationship - certain people and in platonic contexts only. Romantic is a whole other ball of wax.

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Red lights were going off, which is why I posted about him in a thread on this site.

 

But I should have pulled out of this long before this happened.

 

Like I said, I'm not innocent. I played a role. We were feeding off of each other...

 

Okay, not sure if I read that thread.

 

Yeah it's good to own your **** and acknowledge your role and I applaud you for doing that!

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Thank you for saying this. I agree. I do believe there's more to this...more to him, and I'm not just saying this because of what happened.

 

I always sensed there was a fear on his part, and again, I could be wrong here...but his curtness (or whatever you want to call it) when we met, was that same fear rearing it's ugly head in person (seriously, this was what my gut was telling me!). He was extremely defensive! He seems like a pretty sensitive, emotional guy and although I believe that he truly wants to find a relationship and connect with someone, I think he fears getting hurt. I was like this in my 20's! I hurt the other person (even though I didn't want to) before they hurt me. I mean, I could be way off base here, but I referred to this in my earlier posts in this thread about this situation, and how I felt this might be the case.

 

And, when we met, I asked him: Why did you expect me to respond the way that I did...when I told you that I didn't want to engage in endless texting anymore? He says, "...because our meet was long overdue". I responded by saying, "well, when you initially asked me out for pizza/burgers that one late afternoon, and I told you I couldn't, I explained that I'd be open to meeting any other day, you said 'ok', and that was it". His response? "Oh, I thought you were just being polite". I was like, "huh? That makes no sense"; especially because I continued to exchange texts with him.

 

And further to the above ^^^^^, that's why the situation has been so confusing for me. The signs of interest during our meeting were there! I truly believe this. But his guard was also up, waaaaaay up. There was a lot of pushing and pulling (aka - hot & cold). I mean, I find at this point I can tell when a man is interested vs. not interested. Imo, this was someone who did not know how to handle whatever he was feeling. But again, I could be wrong. I was hoping my texts would open up the dialogue, and get to the bottom of it, but clearly that didn't happen.

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I’m really impressed with your insight and self awareness. I remember talking at length with a guy from a dating site - he was sort of interesting but he bragged about his ex wife’s wealth and pedigree and also mentioned she was 12 years older than he was. I was willing to meet him. He told me he’d slipped on the bathroom floor and couldn’t meet for awhile. But something didn’t add up. These were early days of cyber sleuthing but he’s mentioned the company his ex father in law co founded. So I looked it up and figured out who his ex wife was. But if she was 12 years older than he was as he said clearly then he’d lied about his age by a lot. He called me again to chat and I believe I told him that I could no longer meet him and I believe I told him why (but not how I figured it out). I was mad at him for deceiving me and thought it was funny how he made the mistake because of his bragging. I think he was lying too about his accident as a stall tactic. And I bet this guy might have had mono but not for all that time.

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But his guard was also up, waaaaaay up. There was a lot of pushing and pulling (aka - hot & cold). Imo, this was someone who did not know how to handle whatever he was feeling. But again, I could be wrong. I was hoping my texts would open up the dialogue, and get to the bottom of it, but clearly that didn't happen.

 

All this during one meet after waiting 9 months. smh

 

milly, I think the guy has so many fears, anxieties and hang ups, he would probably run away from his own shadow if he had the opportunity.

 

Consider this a blessing, seriously.

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I’m really impressed with your insight and self awareness. I remember talking at length with a guy from a dating site - he was sort of interesting but he bragged about his ex wife’s wealth and pedigree and also mentioned she was 12 years older than he was. I was willing to meet him. He told me he’d slipped on the bathroom floor and couldn’t meet for awhile. But something didn’t add up. These were early days of cyber sleuthing but he’s mentioned the company his ex father in law co founded. So I looked it up and figured out who his ex wife was. But if she was 12 years older than he was as he said clearly then he’d lied about his age by a lot. He called me again to chat and I believe I told him that I could no longer meet him and I believe I told him why (but not how I figured it out). I was mad at him for deceiving me and thought it was funny how he made the mistake because of his bragging. I think he was lying too about his accident as a stall tactic. And I bet this guy might have had mono but not for all that time.

 

Thank goodness for cyber sleuthing, right?

 

I tried to find this guy, but couldn't find one bit of info (and usually I can find anything/anyone lol).

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Thank goodness for cyber sleuthing, right?

 

I tried to find this guy, but couldn't find one bit of info (and usually I can find anything/anyone lol).

 

Wow that's really interesting! Back then I'd only meet if I knew first and last name. One refused a last name so I didn't meet him. And also back then not everyone had a cell phone so I could do reverse look up on the landline. And I did.

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All this during one meet after waiting 9 months. smh

 

milly, I think the guy has so many fears, anxieties and hang ups, he would probably run away from his own shadow if he had the opportunity.

 

Consider this a blessing, seriously.

 

Yeah. My instinct could be wrong, but I do believe there is something going on there.

 

If this is the case, I'm hoping he comes to this realization because I know he wants to find someone and build a long-term, loving relationship.

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Yeah. My instinct could be wrong, but I do believe there is something going on there.

 

If this is the case, I'm hoping he comes to this realization because I know he wants to find someone and build a long-term, loving relationship.

 

Dearest milly, you are such a kind person. But seriously, please don't make his problems your problems, he is a grown man, I am sure he is very aware of his limitations, and if he wants help, he knows perfectly well where he can get it - from a qualified professional.

 

It's really best to stop analyzing him and lay this to rest. All this posting and analyzing is only keeping you stuck.

 

Shed your tears and then pick yourself up, shake that * off, get back on the dating sites and start meeting new men!

 

Try and keep it in perspective -- you had one meet - literally.

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Dearest milly, you are such a kind person. But seriously, please don't make his problems your problems, he is a grown man, I am sure he is very aware of his limitations, and if he wants help, he knows perfectly well where he can get it - from a qualified professional.

 

It's really best to stop analyzing him and lay this to rest. All this posting and analyzing is only keeping you stuck.

 

Shed your tears and then pick yourself up, shake that * off, get back on the dating sites and start meeting new men!

 

Try and keep it in perspective -- you had one meet - literally.

 

I know. You're right. Posting on here just helps, to some extent. I know I'll get over it.

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I know. You're right. Posting on here just helps, to some extent. I know I'll get over it.

 

Of course you will! And I can guarantee you will look back on this and ask yourself what all the fuss was about.

 

I always say there are never any guarantees in this life, but in this case, there most definitely is.

 

Continue posting if it makes you feel better; just be careful it doesn't become an obsession, which can easily happen.

 

Here is a big virtual hug from me (((HUGS))), hope you feel better soon! xx

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Thanks, all, for helping a girl identify and learn from her looney ways! :tongue:

 

 

milly, please get rid of this notion that you're looney or he thinks you're looney.

 

I made the mistake of posting that if I ever received a text like that from a man I had only met once, I might think he was a bit of a loon, but I deleted it!

 

Because it did NOT apply to your situation.

 

You are not a loon, your ways are not looney and I highly doubt he thinks you're a loon.

 

So please, extricate that thought! Not one more word about it, okay??? :D

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Of course you will! And I can guarantee you will look back on this and ask yourself what all the fuss was about.

 

I always say there are never any guarantees in this life, but in this case, there most definitely is.

 

Continue posting if it makes you feel better; just be careful it doesn't become an obsession, which can easily happen.

 

Here is a big virtual hug from me (((HUGS))), hope you feel better soon! xx

 

Thanks, Katrina!

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milly, please get rid of this notion that you're looney or he thinks you're looney.

 

I made the mistake of posting that if I ever received a text like that from a man I had only met once, I might think he was a bit of a loon, but I deleted it!

 

Because it did NOT apply to your situation.

 

You are not a loon, your ways are not looney and I highly doubt he thinks you're a loon.

 

So please, extricate that thought! Not one more word about it, okay??? :D

 

Oh, I'm just joking. I don't actually think I am one! Lol

 

Actually, when I read that in your initial post, I chuckled.

 

Like I mentioned before, I really don't have any regrets about how I handled this situation, given the circumstances.

 

Live & learn!

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So I've written before on ENA about how I think there's a place between being emotionally available and emotionally unavailable. Call it emotionally semi-available, meaning there is some corrosion in the emotional pipes but a general, and genuine, desire to be fully open to something and, with the right person, genuinely surrendering to something.

 

Most of us, I think, spend a significant (if not the majority) or our single life on the semi-available spectrum. This is why dating, by and large, is meeting up with loads of people who turn out to be less available than we thought or discovering, dang it, that we aren't quite as available as we thought. Like seeks like, after all. Or at least like-ish. We're sort of looking for the person who, for whatever reasons, under whatever circumstances, allows us to drop the "semi" and just be legitimately available, and we "click" with those who make us think they might hold that key (to say nothing of just being interesting, smoldering, and so on).

 

In some, the corrosion is so great that they find themselves drawn to people who will nurture the corrosion, and push them further toward unavailable than available. That can take the form of a "connection" that burns hot and burns out quick, or the form of a long relationship, even a marriage, that is fraught from day one to day zero with that fraught stuff (and the potential of it one day vanishing) serving as the "connection." Or all sorts of other forms, including extensive 2D things that never enter 3D.

 

But then there are the brief stumbles like this, the connections that turn out to be disconnections, and in learning to just recognize them as such—well, I think that's kind of us cleaning out the corrosion and becoming more available than not.

 

Point being, for whatever reasons, wherever you were on that semi-available spectrum, which I think is less available than you identified as, all that texting made sense, just as ignoring those red lights going off made sense. There was a certain safety in all that, a kind of barrier that allowed you to experiment with dropping other walls and barriers and feeling a hit of vulnerability and butterflies in the process.

 

But alas, this part? The IRL part? Not making sense. Mothballs in the closet, not butterflies in the tummy. Total bummer—sad, frustrating, funny all at once—but I think, in your case, it's a kind of cleaning of the pipes, an awkward few steps on the path toward greater availability.

 

Like Katrina said, you'll look back and chuckle at all the fuss—both how it went down and how you thought it might go down, given what led up to the water-and-wings rendezvous. That chuckling—and it's nice to see it's already happening—will be you becoming a touch more available, and stepping closer to exploring connections in a way that might will be less heady and, in turn, more genuinely vulnerable.

 

My few cents, at least, rendered with philosophical gloss in part to remove the lens from him and put it back on the thing that really matters: you.

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