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I invested 9 months of my time in this person, and he with me.

 

At no point has any message gone unacknowleged by either one of us.

 

Is he being 'himself' by ignoring your message, if his habit has always been to acknowledge your messages?

 

Seems pretty passive aggressive to me, especially given his behavior during your date.

 

I suppose he could be being himself, if he is the kind of person who manipulates others by orchestrating uncertainty and insecurity.

 

But Is that the kind of person that appeals to you?

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Is he being 'himself' by ignoring your message, if his habit has always been to acknowledge your messages?

 

Seems pretty passive aggressive to me, especially given his behavior during your date.

 

I suppose he could be being himself, if he is the kind of person who manipulates others by orchestrating uncertainty and insecurity.

 

But Is that the kind of person that appeals to you?

 

Hey Jibralta, that's exactly it...he always responded to my messages and I always responded to his. Never in a million years did I think he would not reply to me; especially when considering the substance of the message that I sent.

 

I've dealt with passive-aggressive behavior before, and this does fit the bill. One of the reasons why I broke up with the last guy I dated was for this exact reason. He'd get upset that we weren't spending more time together, or that we weren't talking on the phone enough, etc. So instead of communicating this directly to me and being open, he'd treat me in passive-aggressive, vengeful ways. He'd want to get back at me for things not going the way he wanted, and resented me for it (and he didn't want to communicate any of his wants/needs to me, because it would make him seem/feel vulnerable, and as if he cared more than I did). This is when the passive-aggressiveness would enter the picture. The first time I called him out on the passive-aggressive behavior and asked what was up, the floodgates opened: "We don't spend enough time together", "We never speak on the phone...". It all came out in the wash...

 

My gut is telling me that he's very defensive (and sensitive) (and this crossed my mind last weekend when we met, too), and that this is a "I'm going to hurt you before you hurt me" scenario. If this is the case, that's fine. It might sting now, but I'll get over it. This feels way to high-school-ish to me. I'm too old for this.

 

And this is one of the reasons why I reached out - to get a better read on him. The fact that he has not responded is very telling and confirms that we're definitely not compatible.

 

I was hoping he was a bigger person than this, but I thought wrong.

 

I don't regret reaching out to him, though. It just makes it easier for me to move on knowing that I tried...

Edited by milly007
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How do you know he got the text? I call when it's important for me to get a response to avoid situations like this.

 

I don't know for sure that he got the text. I'm assuming that he got it, because in all of the 9 months that we communicated, we never had an issue of sending/receiving texts.

 

It's always a possibility that he didn't receive it, but I'm guessing it's highly unlikely.

 

Calling him isn't an option at this point. I wouldn't, I couldn't...

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I don't know for sure that he got the text. I'm assuming that he got it, because in all of the 9 months that we communicated, we never had an issue of sending/receiving texts.

 

It's always a possibility that he didn't receive it, but I'm guessing it's highly unlikely.

 

Calling him isn't an option at this point. I wouldn't, I couldn't...

 

OK. To me if you make a choice to share how you feel with someone then you choose to do it in person or at least on the phone. Otherwise it gives the impression that you're avoiding being open with the person and hiding behind a screen. I know you two most often text and in this case since you wanted to reach out I would have done so by phone. And the there would be no question as to whether he got the message.

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OK. To me if you make a choice to share how you feel with someone then you choose to do it in person or at least on the phone. Otherwise it gives the impression that you're avoiding being open with the person and hiding behind a screen. I know you two most often text and in this case since you wanted to reach out I would have done so by phone. And the there would be no question as to whether he got the message.

 

You make a good point, Batya. To be honest, the thought of calling him didn't even occur to me. Even if it did occur to me, I don't know if I could stomach the thought of dealing with his potential curtness or irritability over the phone (especially after receiving his response to the text I sent him on Tuesday night, which was "I wasn't at all short/curt/angry. Don't know why you got that impression". And even the brevity of this text message was out of the ordinary for him...

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You make a good point, Batya. To be honest, the thought of calling him didn't even occur to me. Even if it did occur to me, I don't know if I could stomach the thought of dealing with his potential curtness or irritability over the phone.

 

Yes, I understand and that's often the tradeoff -and I force myself to call if I want the benefit of sharing something important or important feelings. I have a situation now where I have to share an awkward situation with someone I don't know. It would be easier to email it but it likely would be misinterpreted/misunderstood. I need to do this for my son and also for me. So I've reached out to her twice and am waiting for a call and rehearsing what to say. But just making the suggestion and how I look at it - it's my adult responsibility to overcome the discomfort if I want the other person to take me seriously and to understand the situation, and to know that I'm not going to take an easier way out. It really does make an impression and a difference IMO.

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Yes, I understand and that's often the tradeoff -and I force myself to call if I want the benefit of sharing something important or important feelings. I have a situation now where I have to share an awkward situation with someone I don't know. It would be easier to email it but it likely would be misinterpreted/misunderstood. I need to do this for my son and also for me. So I've reached out to her twice and am waiting for a call and rehearsing what to say. But just making the suggestion and how I look at it - it's my adult responsibility to overcome the discomfort if I want the other person to take me seriously and to understand the situation, and to know that I'm not going to take an easier way out. It really does make an impression and a difference IMO.

 

I really do agree with you. I'm hoping to put this into practice in the future. Calling him at this point is not an option though.

Edited by milly007
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I really do agree with you. I'm hoping to put this into practice in the future. Calling him at this point is not an option though.

 

Yes- I am not saying you should contact him again and understand that he might be put off by how you decided to contact him -although I confess I'm not sure what you wrote, if you shared that. And what I noticed, for the future, is when I make myself call someone or speak face to face I often decide not to call or to say something different. It makes you think more about what you want to share and why. I do this in my marriage, as one example.

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This is what I sent:

 

“Hey ***, hope all is well. I just wanted to say that I hope you didn’t take offence to my message regarding you seeming curt on Saturday. As I hope you know by now, I tend to be upfront with my thoughts/concerns. But by no means do I mean to offend anyone in the process. My message was meant to see if you were okay; although it may have not come across this way.

 

Please don’t get me wrong. In my opinion, on Saturday night, the good moments were great. But as I mentioned before, I was just taken aback when you seemed irritable (I didn’t know what to make of it). Either way, maybe I just had different expectations heading into the night (after 9 months of communication).

 

That being said, I’d be willing to give it one last go/meet, if you’re up for it. But, if you don’t, please know that I completely understand.“

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This is what I sent:

 

“Hey ***, hope all is well. I just wanted to say that I hope you didn’t take offence to my message regarding you seeming curt on Saturday. As I hope you know by now, I tend to be upfront with my thoughts/concerns. But by no means do I mean to offend anyone in the process. My message was meant to see if you were okay; although it may have not come across this way.

 

Please don’t get me wrong. In my opinion, on Saturday night, the good moments were great. But as I mentioned before, I was just taken aback when you seemed irritable (I didn’t know what to make of it). Either way, maybe I just had different expectations heading into the night (after 9 months of communication).

 

That being said, I’d be willing to give it one last go/meet, if you’re up for it. But, if you don’t, please know that I completely understand.“

 

Yes. That's the kind of thing that I would err on the side of saying over the phone or in person. It can trigger a lot of misunderstanding and that way the person can respond right then or say that he wants to give it some thought but seeing it in typed words while it gives time to respond also gives the impression that you were more interested in getting your thoughts out and making your case than in how he would feel about your opinions and impressions. You say you had different expectations and then kind of throw in "after 9 months of communication" and if I received that message I wouldn't know how to take that -as if you meant you did think your expectations were reasonable etc. And the "I'd be willing" - again - very open to different kinds of interpretation.

 

So I don't think he didn't respond because you wrote instead of spoke but I do think that if you had done your best to speak to him in person you could have had a back and forth rather than you just laying it all on him in a long text.

 

Many times I've discovered that my husband absolutely did not intend what he said to come across in the way he did or I completely misinterpreted a situation - and those were times I refrained from sending a long text sharing all my feelings and instead in a curious/not/furious way asked him a question to get more information.

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Yes. That's the kind of thing that I would err on the side of saying over the phone or in person. It can trigger a lot of misunderstanding and that way the person can respond right then or say that he wants to give it some thought but seeing it in typed words while it gives time to respond also gives the impression that you were more interested in getting your thoughts out and making your case than in how he would feel about your opinions and impressions. You say you had different expectations and then kind of throw in "after 9 months of communication" and if I received that message I wouldn't know how to take that -as if you meant you did think your expectations were reasonable etc. And the "I'd be willing" - again - very open to different kinds of interpretation.

 

So I don't think he didn't respond because you wrote instead of spoke but I do think that if you had done your best to speak to him in person you could have had a back and forth rather than you just laying it all on him in a long text.

 

Many times I've discovered that my husband absolutely did not intend what he said to come across in the way he did or I completely misinterpreted a situation - and those were times I refrained from sending a long text sharing all my feelings and instead in a curious/not/furious way asked him a question to get more information.

 

These are all fair points. Thanks!

 

I should have picked up the phone.

 

We’ve been sending novel-like texts to each other for a while. Super lengthy texts. But mainly when we were wanting to explain something about our situation in general, the delay in meeting & what was going on, him being sick....and there was never an issue with it. We always got our points across.

 

You’re right, a phone call would have been a better way to go though at this point, since we had just met for the first time. In-person meetings can be exciting, but nerve-wracking. And once you meet in person, and experience some feels, the stakes feel so much higher/riskier. I’m not saying he felt this way, but I definitely was feeling something - excited, a bit unsure, wondered how he felt...etc., etc. Plus, who are we kidding...we tend to watch, assess, listen for any signs of interest, or lack thereof. Feelings, emotions, insecurities, etc. tend to run high...

 

So yeah, I should have picked up the phone.

Edited by milly007
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Of course. Look it might not have made a difference in the least, of course.

 

I know, but a phone call would have been the better option, regardless.

 

*I also edited my post above*

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Now I kinda feel bad for how I handled the situation.

 

Batyaaaaaa! Lol

 

No I think it made no difference at the end of the day -this sounds way too complicated for it to have potential, I'm sorry!

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No I think it made no difference at the end of the day -this sounds way too complicated for it to have potential, I'm sorry!

 

Oh, I know.

 

I think I’m just feeling bad because I’m wondering what OR if I did something to cause him to react (or not react) the way he has, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

 

Maybe he isn’t even giving it a second thought. Who knows...

 

After receiving such kind, thoughtful, considerate, consistent messages for 9 months, such an abrupt change is mind boggling.

 

But, it is what it is...

Edited by milly007
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I think the problem is that you only met once in person then texted way too much given how little you knew of each other so you each built up expectations based on typing of who the other person was.

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I think the problem is that you only met once in person then texted way too much given how little you knew of each other so you each built up expectations based on typing of who the other person was.

 

I agree. The more I think about your suggestion, about picking up the phone, the more I realize that yes, it is what I should have done.

 

I’m really tempted to reach out and say, “Did you get my text?”,

 

OR, “Did you get my text? Because I don’t have you pegged as the type to not respond. You seem like too good of a person to do that”.

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Per what Batya is saying—about the problem being all the texting vs the in person stuff making it complicated—I think any more attempts to communicate on your part will just make things more complicated. For both of you.

 

While I totally understand your intentions in that text, as well as your current frustrations and your disappointment with the date, the message was, at least to my male eyes, an awfully heady and loaded thing to lob at someone you've met once for water and wings. A bit like the start of the sort of "relationship talk" that's tough even after a year with someone, very tough when it comes in a large gray bubble of text, let alone someone you've only really met once.

 

I suspect that, right now, in his mind, the thought process is going something like this: I went out, had water and wings, had a nice time, but was then asked why I was short and irritable. That was a jolt, and now we're talking more about my irritability, or the perception of it, or the weirdness of expectations, or something, while being told that she would "be willing" to see me again in order to...what, exactly? Hash this out a bit more?

 

He's fried, in other words. You're fried too. Your responses to being friend are diametrically opposed. You want answers, clarity, communication, paragons of human decency, and something that makes sense of this in the context of a nine month relationships rather than in the context of one date. He, meanwhile, wants to inhale and exhale. Neither one of you is "right"—and, rest assured, I do believe the male habit of going silent is among the lamest human habits there is—so much as both of you are fired.

 

And I think the subtext of your communication to him, and the urge behind it, is to "de-fry" things, so to speak, but what's happening is they're just getting deep-fried. You go back to this "after 9 months" bit a lot, which is understandable, but, again, I think that's where the bigger lesson about 2D vs 3D takes more precedence than even the questions surrounding compatibility and communication in the wake of this date.

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