jo1992 Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 Hi everyone.. I wrote a post a few weeks back and I'm in a huge mess) and would love some objective advice. It's been 3 and a half years with my boyfriend. I met him when I was 21/22 and he was 29. We met on holiday in Spain and fell for each other straight away and decided we would commit to a long distance relationship between London and Southern France (where he's from. He's French). We did that for a year and a half and it was the best year ever - we loved each other very much and decided that we HAD to be together. He couldn't move to London because he has a daughter who was 7 at the time so I took French lessons, got a good job lined up over Skype in a company who'se headoffice is in London, which meant I could go home when I wanted and work from there. It was completely the dream. I didn't meet his daughter until 6 months into our relationship so we knew we would move slowly, and me and her have a great relationship.. but fast forward 2 years.. and I'm distraught. He's an amazing boyfriend and an amazing person, but I started realizing that I had committed to something way too young. After a year, I started to feel that when I was making dinners for us 3, I'd think of my girlfriends in London having fun and enjoying being young, while I'm here living with my boyfriend and his daughter. (He has her 2 weeknights and every other weekend - the mother has her the other two). I love him deeply, but I know here in south France I can't advance in my career the way I could in London. I also often find myself feeling like an outsider in the relationship, especially when she's around and demands attention like a normal child does. She's also very territorial over her dad which is of course normal, and he does everything possible to make me feel part of the family and he's an amazing person. But being in a foreign country, away from my family & best friends and my support network, ALSO being a potential stepmother.. is hugely lonely. On top of this, my boyfriend and I spoke a year ago about marriage and he explained that he loves me deeply but doesn't believe in marriage. I've always made it clear that I'd want to get married before ever having children (especially because he already has a child with someone else), and he completely disagreed and felt like marriage was just a piece of paper. He's also very resentful about the child support money he has to pay his ex girlfriend each month, so he's VERY against being financially tied to another woman because he's very aware of the divorce rate and the money the woman often gets in messy divorce! He says he wants to have a family with me and have children together soon, and that he's 100% sure I'm his soulmate, but that divorce is "very expensive". He'd also want a pre-nup to protect his daughter incase he suddenly died. (Everything from our marriage onwards would be ours and anything before that would be his and his daughters.) As much as I love him and he loves me (he truly, truly does), why should I have to pay for his mistakes? Last week, he talked about us building a house together and selling it and then buying a big house together. I explained that I'd love to do that together, but that I'd like to definitely fully understand the regulations involved in this and get full legal advice before-hand as in France, if we were not married and something awful happened and he died suddenly, the survivor pays 60% tax on the other's share of the house , and a quarter of his remaining share would be left to his daughter, meaning in the future I would have joint ownership with her, which I don't want (because she has a lot of money waiting for her from her parents when she turns 18 so she is fine!). He argued and got very defensive and told me that that's all total rubbish and that I have no idea about French law (even though I've looked this up on official French law sites). I feel like he is concerned about protecting his daughter, but what about me? All of my family and support is in England. I don't feel comfortable committing to my whole life in France and to buying a house with him if we don't get married. We had been arguing like crazy ever since. Long story short to the point where we were invited to his friend's house warming party a few weeks ago and there were lots of women there that I wanted to meet because it would be a great way for me to meet more friends outside of work. He refused to go because it was an hour drive away and he had a rugby match to play the next day. I told him that I'd really appreciate his support as I couldn't go alone because it's his friend, but it would mean a lot for me to meet more girlfriends. He refused and said I should support his rugby commitments, then as we were arguing in the car he sped angrily at like 170 miles an hour and nearly killed the two of us in a head on collision. I cried my eyes out that night, went into my office the next day and said I had an offer in London for new company and handed in my notice. They did everything to try and keep me and offered me a promotion as well as the chance to transfer to the UK office. I accepted. He was really upset.. but at the time I felt like this was my only choice. I leave the south of France next week to go back to the UK, and I feel so much regret and hurt. I don't know if I've just been stupid about the whole thing and that maybe marriage isn't such a big deal.. but that, paired with everything else, I've found so difficult to deal with. We are on good terms and are still together. He's coming with me to spend christmas with my family in London and we are going to do long distance for a while on my job promotion while I save money for what he believes is our future, but I can't help but feel like I've ruined everything. Or maybe I've made the right decision now? Please help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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