Simple question or ungratefulness?

[Seraphim]

It's tricky to be able to give without wanting or expecting appreciation in return. I think the polite thing is to say thank you to the gift giver, but manners are not universal or necessarily common sense. My ex felt that expecting a thank you is giving-to-get, and not in the true spirit of giving. Yeah, he might say thank you for something he didn't want, yet he felt it was insincere saying it and didn't like going through the motions. He'd rather remove himself from what he saw as over commercialism. ]

 

 

Yes, true , I say thank you for everything I get doesn't mean I like the gift though. I can tell when somebody has tried to find something I truly like as opposed to what they THINK I like . I.e. it's something THEY would appreciate . Or instance many years ago I was given tiny almost childlike earrings for Christmas by my sister-in-law . She is someone who also appreciates a very understated look. I never wore the things ever . Really it was a waste of her money . Today I was looking for gifts for a friend of mine . I saw some gorgeous earrings that I would've appreciated . Now my taste tends to lend to the more BLING and glitz and shine. I am bold in my look and my personality . My friend appreciates a very much more sedate look tiny earrings and the like. Now I could have got her the earrings that would have impressed me but she would've thanked me for them done the internal eye roll and then regifted them somewhere else . However I got something much more understated that she would have appreciated . Giving a gift has nothing to do with what the giver likes . And getting to know what a person likes is important and never assume it's what you like .

[boltnrun]

My cousin, who has known me her entire life (40+ years), gave me a box of See's candy last Christmas. The "nuts and chews" variety box.

 

I am deathly allergic to all varieties of nuts. I am also allergic to chocolate.

 

I simply said "thank you" and joked to my friends (who don't know her) that my cousin secretly wants me dead. Totally joking. I wasn't mad at all. A little puzzled, but not mad, because I knew she tried, she has little money and few options. She realized later and apologized and we laughed about it later.

 

I guess not as fraught with heavy emotions as a romantic relationship anyway.

[IAmFCA]

My cousin, who has known me her entire life (40+ years), gave me a box of See's candy last Christmas. The "nuts and chews" variety box.

 

I am deathly allergic to all varieties of nuts. I am also allergic to chocolate.

 

I simply said "thank you" and joked to my friends (who don't know her) that my cousin secretly wants me dead. Totally joking. I wasn't mad at all. A little puzzled, but not mad, because I knew she tried, she has little money and few options. She realized later and apologized and we laughed about it later.

 

I guess not as fraught with heavy emotions as a romantic relationship anyway.

 

because neither of you wonders if you care for the other and is using the gift as evidence of whether your in a good relationship.

[Seraphim]

because neither of you wonders if you care for the other and is using the gift as evidence of whether your in a good relationship.

Bingo. I don't have to wonder if say my brother loves me because I know that . Also after almost 30 years I don't have to wonder if my husband loves me I know that .

[journeynow]

Yes, true , I say thank you for everything I get doesn't mean I like the gift though.

 

I understand. I was just sharing what I learned while living with someone else who had a different perspective.

 

Sometimes it's hard giving gifts, especially when time and funds are limited, and people already buy themselves what they want.

[journeynow]

because neither of you wonders if you care for the other and is using the gift as evidence of whether your in a good relationship.

 

Bingo! (is what I thought as soon as I read this. I see it is Seaphim's thought too, but I'll repeat it because it fits.)

[Seraphim]

I understand. I was just sharing what I learned while living with someone else who had a different perspective.

 

Sometimes it's hard giving gifts, especially when time and funds are limited, and people already buy themselves what they want.

Exactly. My husband and I have different views on gifts. I like gifts that are romantic that I would never buy myself. He likes pragmatic stuff or no presents.

[Krankor]

Just to chime in with my two cents: OP, cancelling the vacation was an overreaction, but I think your boyfriend was out of line just the same. For him to crap all over your present because you basically weren't enough of a mind-reader for his tastes was rude and ungrateful and I wouldn't like it either. There are other ways he could have gone about letting you know what kind of gifts he likes to receive--if he even finds that necessary for whatever reason--but upon getting those gifts he should have simply thanked you and appreciated the effort and thought.

[hotcocoa954]

Thank you all so much again! After a couple of days (and a couple of conversations with him) I realize that I do owe it to our relationship to talk things out face to face instead of running away from the situation because my feelings were hurt. This is the part of relationships that can be exhausting but it's necessary in order to understand the other person. He did say that he wasn't trying to disrespect me or that he didn't appreciate the gift. He is in fact more sentimental and would like to receive a "boyfriend" type of gift rather than a practical one. I talked with one of my aunt's who I'm close with and she said that nothing was wrong with my gift but that he might be looking at it as though anyone could have gotten him that gift, not necessarily his girlfriend. I still feel there was some ungratefulness on his part, but at least I have a better idea of how he thinks about things like this. Hopefully the trip will go well and we can clear things up. I agree, it was very hasty for me to just cancel the trip out of spite.

[Seraphim]

That is good . Just remember good relationships are built on communication . And your gift was not wrong and his wanting a sentimental gift is not wrong . People are just different and have different expectations based on how they were raised or how their personality is.

 

One thing I have learned getting to my age is that people are raised different . No family is exactly like another family . Communication is absolutely essential to keeping any relationship alive .

[IAmFCA]

Thank you all so much again! After a couple of days (and a couple of conversations with him) I realize that I do owe it to our relationship to talk things out face to face instead of running away from the situation because my feelings were hurt. This is the part of relationships that can be exhausting but it's necessary in order to understand the other person. He did say that he wasn't trying to disrespect me or that he didn't appreciate the gift. He is in fact more sentimental and would like to receive a "boyfriend" type of gift rather than a practical one. I talked with one of my aunt's who I'm close with and she said that nothing was wrong with my gift but that he might be looking at it as though anyone could have gotten him that gift, not necessarily his girlfriend. I still feel there was some ungratefulness on his part, but at least I have a better idea of how he thinks about things like this. Hopefully the trip will go well and we can clear things up. I agree, it was very hasty for me to just cancel the trip out of spite.

 

Good for you for getting yourself unstuck.

 

Did you ever see jokes or old sitcoms where the husband gives the wife a vacuum cleaner? He is excited because ig has all the modern features. She is annoyed.

 

You are the husband in that joke. You meant well, were attentive to what he likes, and yet he wanted something more romantic, something that reminds him of escaping into you.

 

Your bf could have responded differently, more destructively, by taking it personally. He could have been hurt by the idea that the gift meant you didn't understand him or feel the same way about him. Instead, he owned it as his thing, that he likes more personal gifts, things he wouldn't get for himself.

 

You are now starting to do the same, to see that its just a matter of individual preference and not about your affection for each other. You just learned something new. Bravo!

 

Own your style, the practical style, and gain the skill of seeing it as a style like the kind of shoes you might wear. He likes you in heels, you tend to wear flat boots. Now all you have to do is get him a pair of heels next time. lol

[journeynow]

Couples and individuals can grow when working through differences and gaining understanding overall. I give you credit for being willing to see him and process the situation.

 

May I ask (since I'm not sure I know): what are examples of a "boyfriend" type gift?

[Jibralta]

Glad the two of you were able to talk it through.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I think your gift was very thoughtful, you got him stuff you thought he would NEED. All he should have said was thank you.

[hotcocoa954]

Couples and individuals can grow when working through differences and gaining understanding overall. I give you credit for being willing to see him and process the situation.

 

May I ask (since I'm not sure I know): what are examples of a "boyfriend" type gift?

 

Honestly I'm not 100% sure yet either because I thought the gift was thoughtful and pertained to him and his current life (with being a student). My aunt said he may have wanted something more romantic like cologne or music or something that was "boyfriend" like.

[hotcocoa954]

I think your gift was very thoughtful, you got him stuff you thought he would NEED. All he should have said was thank you.

 

Thank you. I am willing to hear his side face to face so we can come to an understanding because the reaction was rather rude in my opinion (even though it was just a question, not a put down or anything).

[Hollyj]

He is ungrateful, and responded like a fool, but your reaction was ridiculous!

 

It seems that this is just another incident. You really need to focus on the big picture. If this guy is highly critical and makes you feel less than, then why are you with him???

[IAmFCA]

Thank you. I am willing to hear his side face to face so we can come to an understanding because the reaction was rather rude in my opinion (even though it was just a question, not a put down or anything).

 

This is not going to go well, if you insist on judging his reaction as rude.

 

I find it rather well intended, and his approach was an attempt to understand. He might have skipped right past "What were your thoughts when planning my gift?" and gone straight to accusatory, hurt, anger, such as "Seriously? A gift card and some stuff for school? Who are you, my mother? Do you not know me at all? I may as well get you a gas card for your commute, and maybe a mug with a cheerful slogan. I'm your BOYFRIEND. Do you even feel like that anymore or is it just friends?!"

 

Appreciate what you have! Listen. Its Not about you. Listen and learn about HIM. Thank him for telling you.

[IAmFCA]

Think about this: What's more important right now: getting a pat on the back or learning what he would prefer? And, didn't he thank you for your gift and express his preference - he tried to affirm your value by appreciating your thought process.

 

Be careful. Your need for affirmation may be so great that you focus on him being rude as you call it - I dont agree but no matter - and miss the opportunity to learn about him and what he needs. Deliver him what he needs and you will get more affirmation! So listen. Learn.

[Seraphim]

Thank you. I am willing to hear his side face to face so we can come to an understanding because the reaction was rather rude in my opinion (even though it was just a question, not a put down or anything).

Ok, this relationship won’t work. You don’t really want to come to an understanding by the sounds of things. It would be better to find someone who also believes the gift is about giver.

[milly007]

I can honestly appreciate both sides. You, OP, spent time thinking about what to get your boyfriend. Clearly a lot of thought went into your gift. However, your boyfriend isn't the type to just say 'thank you'. When he asked about your thought process behind the gift, was this done via text or over the phone? Sounds like the way he delivered the message about the gift kinda sucked. But let's be honest, no matter how he told you that he would have appreciated something more sentimental, you would have been offended. And I get that. If I spent time and money on what I considered to be a quality gift for my guy, which he didn't necessarily like/appreciate, I'd be disappointed and somewhat offended as well.

 

Sounds like a turning point in your relationship. You have to determine whether it's something you can work through, or if you're going to call it a day.

 

I swear, the next relationship I get into, there will be no gift exchange. We can save our money! Just spend quality time with me, and I'll be happy.

 

Surely you two have been buying each other gifts up until this point. Has gift giving ever surfaced as an issue before?

[IAmFCA]

Please note that being offended does not mean that the other person was offensive.

 

I may not want to hear that I shot at a target and missed. But I would rather hear that, than miss the target for the next 50 years!

[mandeelove]

He should of been grateful and kept comments to himself. You were thoughtful about all things he could use. I think he shouldnt have said a word about it. Be thankful and thats it. Dont think you should cancel the trip but let him know it bothered you and see if he learns from it.

[Seraphim]

As long she would be happy with a kettle for their 5th wedding anniversary.

[itsallgrand]

Gift situations and convos can be tricky, but this is more about something else than this particular thing. An awkward convo shouldn't be enough to break a solid couple.

 

Did you decide if you will go see him?