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Feel rejected - bf lived with ex but won't with me


poorlittlefish
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My boyfriend rented out his flat to rent a house with his ex after they'd been together for 8 months. We have been together for over a year and I had the feeling that we will never move in together or get married, so I asked him. He admitted that he can't ever see us living together because he feels uncomfortable when he's at my house. He said he feels that I watch how much water he uses. I was bemused by this because I've always offered him whatever he wants and have never said anything about him using resources. I've always switched lights off when I'm not in a room but I was raised not to be wasteful and didn't think that was unreasonable.

 

I'm kinda sad that if I stay with him then we'll never do more than just date, but at the same time I like my own space and he has habits that would probably drive me crazy if we lived together, so maybe it's OK. However, what I'm having trouble getting over is how he obviously must have loved his ex more than he loves me to have wanted to set up home with her, and that she didn't make him feel uncomfortable. In my mind I feel rejected and second rate to his ex. How do I stop feeling like this?

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There's nothing for you to feel. He's telling you exactly what he wants: to date you but not move the relationship forward. You have two choices: continue like this indefinitely, or move on. He clearly doesn't want the same things you do. I'm not trying to be harsh, just truthful: When a man tells you what he wants, listen. He's telling you loud & clear.

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He is being direct with you. Also what does sharing physical space mean to you and to him? I didn't live with my husband before marriage but we knew we wanted to get married from early on. Does living together mean you two will be more emotionally committed?

 

Also I think he's making excuses - he simply does not want to share physical space -but have the tougher discussion about his commitment goals -sharing physical space is not the real issue here

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I moved in with a lady after 8 months before. Took me nearly 3 years to be ready to move in with my now fiancee. If you're looking at someone and you genuinely think you'd like to be with them for the long-run, what's the rush in giving up your own pad when you've theoretically got a lifetime ahead of you sharing a home? It has nothing to do with comparing my previous lady to my current one. I've simply grown to appreciate my space and found myself in no hurry to give it up, and I certainly wouldn't after just "over a year."

 

THAT SAID, the fact he says he never sees himself moving in with you is kinda the death knell if he meant it at face value. I mean if he's loaded enough to where you two could have houses right next door to each other, that actually sounds pretty awesome to me, but I'm somehow doubting that's what he has in mind. I'd be willing to give him some benefit of perhaps being hyperbolic as a ways of expressing how uncomfortable he is with your attitudes towards his habits (I'm doubting you're as subtle about it as you give yourself credit for if you admit they'd "probably drive you crazy), but I have no idea.

 

I don't know. The whole conversation just seems awkward where I'd like to say he's telling you pretty outright that you're "Ms. Right for Now," but reading how you present yourself and the topic, it's hard to imagine the conversation was started in a way that was ever going to be constructive. Did you really just come at a dude you've been dating just over a year and pretty much lament not having any concrete plans for moving in or getting married set? I mean, at that point, I think the whole, "Do you see a future together?" question is fine for establishing that intent without the undue pressure of committing to details so early in, but I suppose now that you've gone there and gotten the answer you did, there's no real avoiding collecting yourself and getting a clarification. If he sincerely means he thinks you two could never live under the same roof, that's pretty much that.

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I think he has been quite clear about what he wants in this relationship and it is clear by your distress that it is not what you want.

 

He has the right to not want to get married or move in with you and if this is the opposite of your requirements, then perhaps he is not the person for you.

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So he's worried you might be on his arse for over-consumption? Just let him know that when he is paying for his contribution, he can use all the water and electricity he wants and desires. Then, ask, "is that the only reason why you wouldn't want to live together?" And, "do you think it'd be different once we are married? Because what is mine is yours." Then see how he reacts. If he says, oh yes, that would be good, then it's a non-issue.

 

If he goes, I can't picture marrying you either, then ditch him like a 200 bag of concrete.

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I'm kinda sad that if I stay with him then we'll never do more than just date, but at the same time I like my own space and he has habits that would probably drive me crazy if we lived together, so maybe it's OK. However, what I'm having trouble getting over is how he obviously must have loved his ex more than he loves me to have wanted to set up home with her, and that she didn't make him feel uncomfortable. In my mind I feel rejected and second rate to his ex. How do I stop feeling like this?

 

Maybe it has nothing to do with you or his ex but more about where he is in his life.

I can relate to this. There was a time that cohabiting with someone seemed like the obvious next step.

Now I like coming home to my own home and I like the idea that my man washes his own socks.

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Could now have commitment issues because of his ex? Maybe he thought after their break up that they moved in too early. At least he is being honest with u about where u stand but i wouldn't buy the water issue. That is jyst an excuse. Sounds like u want more than him so i think u need to be honest with him about that and see what he says. If he wants different from u you need to accept that and move on. You can't wait around hoping he changes his mind. You deserve to be with someone who wants the same as u and u can't waste ur time on someone who won't make u happy. Life is too short hun. Good luck xx

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