Break-up

[Jasoncorb]

Hi, I've recently just been broken up with by my girlfriend of two years, she has stated it wasn't all my fault and she is part to blame, but would like to concentrate on her own mental health problems before she talks to me, it's been 5 days now and no contact what so ever, she is going home for 3 weeks and confirmed to my sister that she "might" talk to me when she is home if she is mentally stable again, what do I do? She says she still loves me but I am finding it difficult to believe when she hasn't asked how I am at all despite me really caring for her and wanting to know how she is

[MissCanuck]

What sort of mental health problems does she have?

[Jasoncorb]

She is currently on anti depressants called venflaxine and suffers from brain fog which clouds her thoughts, I've always been supportive and I just want her to be okay because I love her very much, we were both crying when we broke up, part of me thinks she broke up because I acted in a weak way crying when she broke up with me and I am punishing myself for this fact

[MissCanuck]

She didn't break up with you because you cried when she broke up with you. That doesn't make sense. The break-up was already happening, regardless of your reaction to it. So don't kick yourself for that; it's not relevant to her decision.

 

Can you be more specific about what you mean by brain fog? She suffers from depression, or?

 

I think all you can do is believe her that she doesn't feel stable enough to be in a relationship right now. Going home for 3 weeks won't bring sustained stability, either. It might help her feel a bit better, yes, but it won't resolve the bigger underlying mental health issues. How was your relationship overall, and how old are you both?

[Jasoncorb]

She has seen me cry before once and I have been insecure since then thinking I am not strong enough to be in the relationship with her, depression and lack of mental clarity is what the condition says on google, we do argue a lot but I find that normal, since it's her first relationship I feel she does not, she has spoke to my sister for an hour and half about all of this and confirmed the good times were really really good but the bad times were bad too, she doesn't want to talk to me because she feels if she does I will convince us to get back together and she doesn't want that to happen when she's this mentally unwell, we were meant to go home to Australia together on Monday but that won't be happening so that shows the commitment on both parts, we are both 24 and I really do love her so much

[MissCanuck]

Arguing a lot is not normal. It points to deeper problems between you. What did you argue about?

 

Also, what has she actually been diagnosed with? I assume depression, given the medication she takes, but I am curious to know what her doctor says.

 

Unfortunately, it sounds like her mental health issues combined with the frequent fights became too much for her. That is understandable. Tension and arguing builds resentment, regardless of one's mental health status.

[Jasoncorb]

When I say a lot it was non existent at the start, we didn't argue at all really in the first year, the arguing lately has only been because of each other being too drunk, she made the decision to break up with me when she was drunk and spoke to her mum and dad about it, but has re-Inforced the decision because when she did talk to me I was drunk and irrational which eventually led me to cry infront of her once again, most of the drunken arguments were about back handed comments between each other, considering the period of year I really want to message her at Xmas and new year despite her saying she wants space, what do I do? I really want to fix this but I am not being afforded the opportunity to talk to her one on one

[MissCanuck]

And what were the backhanded comments you two made to each other?

 

I ask because it seems there was friction between you, but you haven't really identified what that was about. Drunk or not, arguments cropping up a lot indicates a bigger issue.

 

What were the things that you - and she- were not happy about which led to these comments to begin with?

[Jasoncorb]

Back handed comments putting each other down in various ways, she called me insecure because at the start of the relationship she met up with a boy at 3am after a drunken night out and as such made those comments to me, my comments were more or less swear words, we always got through it at the other end and leading up to this point we had went months without arguing so I don't see why this caused us to end, she told my sister she doesn't want to speak to me while she is away but said when she is back from Australia she might talk and we might get back together, I do not know what to think about it all and what I should do going forward

[MissCanuck]

All you can do is back way off now. The ball is in her court regarding contact and any possible reconciliation.

 

If you hadn't argued in months, there is likely more to her decision than just arguing, unfortunately.