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Doesn’t exist with my wife.


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So our marriage took a turn.... 7 months ago she wanted a seperation(I did not). I gave it to her anyway, as she said “she needed time to reflect without stress and figure what she wanted in life”. We both ended up agreeing under the condition we weren’t going to find or get with anyone else.

 

Now that 7 months has passed we never really sat down and fully opened up and talked. Don’t get me wrong... I tried and ole Lordy Did I try to get shut down endlessly.... if I were to get her to open up it was half truths about anything and everything. Where’s she’s at with all this.... she’s said for a year now “I don’t know what I want, I need time to think”..... a year later and 7 months of me moving out leaving her be other than our child....”I don’t know what I want”. No matter what I would do, she just gave me that answer.

 

I sense moved back in, as things between us improved but till this day she avoids any conversation that has to do with us, and what is going on or where is it going... she once again said she just needed time to think because she’s just really stressed out with work and school.

 

She has acquired this new trait when she does finally talk. She loves to be omissive about everything now. Which she use to be open and honest. One of the very few people I could trust in my life.

 

Example: I found out during the seperation she had been talking to another guy..... I confronted her about it. I asked her about them.... she replied that they were just friends and they never have went out to the bar together(she frequents)Shortly after, I found out they were more than just friends. Also, she had went over to his house after she got out of work(supposedly with coworkers). I asked her about that after finding that out. Her response “you never asked me if I’ve ever been to his house”. She continued to play this card as her secret slowly fell apart. Until, eventually she did start to get feelings for him. However, it was whatever she could leave out of it. She plays this against me about everything now.... but then work around it I start to ask more questions, so she says “I’m interrogating her”.

 

If she runs out of things to keep things hidden. She resorts to making it my fault or the big one it’s none of my buisness and that she told me where she was.

 

She is fine to be around in person when I do see her, but because this new and improved secret squirrel her is always hidding or lying I feel like it’s all a act to my face. Then because she never wants to talk to me. I’m left with everything from just a few months ago, no closure, no real explanation.

 

As for the other guy, she says they are done and haven’t hung out.... but “omissive” found out they were snap chatting.... “I never said I stopped talking to him as friend, I said I haven’t hung out with him”.

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I think she knows exactly what she wants when she tells you she doesn't know. Women tend to be tactical and calculated so in situations like this they will answer vaguely to keep you guessing while she has her eyes on the prize. She is being ommissive probably to avoid confrontation between you and her, like when you were confronting her about the other guy. Women don't like feeling boxed in so they tend to reject possessive or controlling people and avoid scenarios where they would feel like they are someone's property.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear but her keeping the other guy and keeping the snap chatting a secret tells me she is putting him over you. You can't change how people feel or what they do. If it were me I would start looking elsewhere.

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She is using you for security while she lives the single life.

 

Don't fall for the trap of trusting her and believing her just because you once could trust or believe her. She is lying to you and seeing other men.

 

They aren't "just friends" and she didn't "hang out" at his house with coworkers, they were alone and have been alone together many times I would bet.

 

Things got better when the new wore off her "friend" but she has checked out and is enjoying what she has right now. That is you stuck on the sidelines hoping she comes around while supporting her and taking care of everything while she stalls you and does what ever she wants.

 

Stay silent and get some more proof so you can decide what you want to do. Stop confronting her because she will just lie to you again or leave things out. It is cheater 101 to lie but sprinkle I just enough truth to make it believable and defensible.

 

Take the love goggles off and see what you see. Protective of her phone, lost weight, new clothes, new friends, new habits, different hours for work and on and on.

 

Lost

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Regarding the other give who she's so secretive about--more often than not, where there's smoke, there's fire.

 

Look, I think you need to ask yourself one simple question: Am I getting the love and respect that a husband should in this marriage? I think we both know the answer to that question is "no." OK, so the next question is this: What am I going to do about it? Hint: staying and trying to somehow coax it out of her isn't going to work.

 

I think you've done your due diligence when it comes to fighting for your marriage. Your wife doesn't deserve your continued support and provisioning.

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Before I was able to see everyoneÂ’s replys. Also, my phones doing some word stuff. Apologizes for the glitch.

 

You may call it childish or fighting fire with fire. However, yesterday all day while at work. I cut the texting out in the context that I always initiated the conversation. “Goood morning beautiful” or letting her know I made it to work. Talking to her every 15 mins and responding right away. I only awnsered with short and to the point of what she asked me. How is work?.....”good”. You all get the picture.

 

(To clear up my point here: I ALWAYÂ’s cancel my plans for her if she doesnÂ’t have anything going on.)

She had plans yesterday to go see her friend, so I made And had plans for myself last night. Later that day before I got out of work. She text me that her friend canceled on her an wanted to know if I wanted to go grocery shopping with her. This is where I drop everything and accept her invite. I chose to decline it, said I would love to but already had plans. She seemed ok with it.

 

So my plans did changed as I ended up going to a bar near work with a couple coworkers. All guys and we were in our dirty work close. One beer turned into a couple pitchers and a shot. Before I knew it I was there for 3-31/2 hours. I had text her to respond but kept the same tone from earlier.

 

This is where it hit me, she started to get clearly agitated, and before I even closed my tab. She resorted to saying “I thought you said 1 beer and you were leaving?(she does that to me every weekend. She says she’s going for a beer and then proceeds to close the bar down.) I don’t respond, 5 minutes later I get “hope your with another chick...” then “ is your problem, why are you acting like this”. I said “I don’t have a problem”.

 

I get home around 8pm.... she decides her plans fell through, so why not still take off.... to the bar. Then the tone changes with her. Now I’m getting the sweet her “thanks for letting me go out”....etc.

 

She gets home around midnight, and wants to have sex.. this is where I usually give in as we have sex maybe 1-2 a month and it’s only when’s she’s been drinking. I gave in, started going at it, got to the bedroom and yeah. However, it all hit me.... I stopped in the middle of it, she asked me what was wrong “I can’t do this right now” that was the first time everything hit me so hard that I couldn’t seperate our problems and just having sex.

 

I told her exactly why I couldnÂ’t. I couldnÂ’t because I donÂ’t even know whatÂ’s going on with you or us, you never want to deal with everything that has happened, you never communicate what we are or whether things with you and the other guy are done, and I just kinda broke down and just spewed it all out. I truly want to just shut my mouth and listen to her and truly hear what she says. To believe what she says (because I apparently never do in her words) but I canÂ’t when I live this everyday. I’m expected to bottle it all up and pretend like we donÂ’t have to talk about this. Ignore it it and it goes away or never happened like she wants me to.....

 

Now today, she’s giving me the silent treatment as if it’s all my fault and she did nothing wrong... her way of putting distance between us or her favorite “pushing her away”. I don’t know how to handle her reacting like this anymore has then I’m left to make it up and be felt like Im a monster and treat her like garbage.

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She is still doing the same thing cheaters do. Turn it back on the accuser or in this case you because you took a stand and questioned her on what the hell is going on with us. She doesn't want to talk about it for obvious reasons. Do you really think you are going to get the truth out of her?

 

"Okay rb1, I have been talking to this guy for some time and we have hung out and things have gotten physical several times. I like the attention and the thrill of sneaking around but I don't want to loose you either" Can you imagine her saying that to you?

 

Basically you stopped being a wussy doormat and didn't drop everything for her and she got pissed. A small part of this is your fault because we teach those around us how to treat us. Now you were trying to be a good husband and make her happy but she took it and ran with it. You became her emotional servant and anytime she rang the bell you better be there fast or else.

 

Relationships should be about balance, not some power struggle. I don't know if this can be saved with her attitude but if it can be resolved it can't be done with the silent treatment or gushing out everything you have held back all this time right after you started having sex. It needs to be discussed with a counselor that can help you both rebuild this marriage and get it on track.

 

When she starts talking to you again tell her (don't ask) that you are making an appointment with a marriage counselor and you need to know what days and times she is available. If she refuses simply tell her you are going anyways so you can figure what YOU are going to do. If she asks you what that means just tell you don't know until you work things out with the counselor.

 

Stop the games but also continue to stop being at her beck and call. It isn't right or attractive.

 

Lost

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The thing I really didnÂ’t take into account that night I stopped the sex and broke down to her is she broke into tears herself. However, never really had much to say even when I brought up the other guy. She never tried to get closer or talk to me about any of it. I explained the entire situation and where I was coming from. You could say she was just listening, but wouldnÂ’t she try defend things like I feel like her and the other guy arenÂ’t done, how I feel so isolated and that the one person I trusted the most emotionally betrayed me. How she wonÂ’t talk and the whole 9 yards about us..... which didnÂ’t do much as she still hasnÂ’t said a thing about us, her, other anything.

 

All she did was tear up, stare at me and just sat there. Then the next day treated me like IÂ’m worthless...

 

What does that even mean? How do I take that? She showed some emotion but a emotion to me that could mean anything.

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I guess no matter what I do I’m doing it wrong to gain her interest. Maybe I’m asking the wrong questions and doing the wrong things towards her.

 

So, what are my options as for what I can do to make it more possible for her to want to open up. Obviously,she has to want to on her own.

 

But, what things Can I do and say to give us the best chance for her to do it?

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How do I find forgiveness for stuff she did. When she won’t tell the truth. She won’t talk about any of it....When I found everything(which still feels like half truth and half left out) she said she was sorry and said she “f’d up” but sorry for what and how did she f up? She never said I’m sorry for..... it was just the sorry/f’d up and back to daily life..... I feel like we are so deep into the wrong direction and she’s to far gone for being remorseful or anything.

 

It’s been like this for so long and seperated for 7 months. I thought it was all suppose to get easier. Why couldn’t and can’t I get the light switch for us and her to flip. I’m at the point that I want that feeling of being truly done and not carrying what happens like she has. I want that so bad because our issues have consumed me so long that it’s all I think about. I’ve tried getting into hobbies and hangout with friends but then that’s short lived. I wish the pain and gut feeling would just disappear and pretend like I was never married or had feelings like she does.

 

I feel horrible for wanting all that, but I’ve had every bad thing happen to me in a relationship and still want this. It makes me feel mental.

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How do I find forgiveness for stuff she did. When she won’t tell the truth. She won’t talk about any of it....When I found everything(which still feels like half truth and half left out) she said she was sorry and said she “f’d up” but sorry for what and how did she f up? She never said I’m sorry for..... it was just the sorry/f’d up and back to daily life..... I feel like we are so deep into the wrong direction and she’s to far gone for being remorseful or anything.

 

It’s been like this for so long and seperated for 7 months. I thought it was all suppose to get easier. Why couldn’t and can’t I get the light switch for us and her to flip. I’m at the point that I want that feeling of being truly done and not carrying what happens like she has. I want that so bad because our issues have consumed me so long that it’s all I think about. I’ve tried getting into hobbies and hangout with friends but then that’s short lived. I wish the pain and gut feeling would just disappear and pretend like I was never married or had feelings like she does.

 

I feel horrible for wanting all that, but I’ve had every bad thing happen to me in a relationship and still want this. It makes me feel mental.

 

Forget starting sentences with She. Replace with I and change sentences as needed to fit.

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Forget starting sentences with She. Replace with I and change sentences as needed to fit.

 

I’m not really following your response? As in, stop pointing out her failures and only worry about what I failed at?

If so, I can go on all day at what I failed, but at what point are the tables so one sided that even their friends and family see it. I understand that the only person that can fix me is.... me. However, I’ve went above and beyond trying to change for the better. That caused me to be walked on and over.

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I’m not really following your response? As in, stop pointing out her failures and only worry about what I failed at?

If so, I can go on all day at what I failed, but at what point are the tables so one sided that even their friends and family see it. I understand that the only person that can fix me is.... me. However, I’ve went above and beyond trying to change for the better. That caused me to be walked on and over.

 

What I mean is, instead of She behaved like x, it’s “I miss having my needs met”, basically, expressed in whatever concrete way that occurs. It’s a way of owning your boundaries and your capacity.

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