Insult From Friend

[Hollyj]

I wouldn't state it again out of nowhere, don't bring it up unless it is relevent and he is addressing this particular instance. You have made your stance clear. I doubt he will bring it up again, but my advice is for any friend that oversteps your boundaries. You let them know, and I don't think they mean to offend but they know now that they can't be on that level of openness to you so they watch what they say more.

 

If this friend repeatedly makes rude remarks, knowing how they make you feel, then perhaps distancing yourself would be a better option.

 

I remember I once had a friend who said he hates black people. I took offense, especially since my brother is black, and basically told him it wasn't ok he said that and stated it was ignorant. He still defended his position, but clearly knew I didn't like that kind of talk and didn't do it again. However, I wasn't good friends with this person (my much closer friends were, and he hosted parties with them) anyway so there was no problem in the future. He now knows better and, usually, that is enough for a person to change how they talk around you.

 

I can't believe he said that. Did he know that you had a black brother? How could he defend that position?

[pippy longstocking]

I have walked away from various relationships over things like this Holls ....couple of examples , someone in my family was being incredibly homophobic in joke and racist , also in joke , but I don't find it funny ....my daughter is bi sexual and her father is Asian ..so you can imagine how that went down with me .

Then I have a friend who comments on everything I wear , makes up some little joke , I know mostly I look like a rainbow has just thrown up on me and that's ok ... but you just end up sat there thinking ..wow I would never ever make such personal comments about anyone , their clothing choices etc etc .

 

I AM NOT TRYING TO MAKE THIS ABOUT ME ..oops shouty ....ME ME ME

 

More I relate to you , just fek off with the comments about body , clothing , sexual orientation etc etc You are quite within your rights to feel like you do and if you choose to walk away then I certainly see why .

 

Would I walk away from him ....well that depends if my own mind could let it go , how many times this has happened and if he does it again should you mix with him again .

 

It's a shame you can't go back and slam him one right back as you hug him and tell him you are so sorry for the small penis he seems to be poking in your hip . ( I am so childish)

 

Your call my darling , but to reiterate , I totally agree that it was inappropriate and unnecessary x.

[yatsue]

I can't believe he said that. Did he know that you had a black brother? How could he defend that position?

 

He did not know. I am caucasian so no one could ever guess and my brother is a half sibling. The friend defended his position by saying "Every black person I've met, I just didn't like; there were all a**holes". While those were his experiences, it is never ok to hate everyone in that group based on only a handfull of people. Of course my brother is quite different, as he is the epitome of coolness and niceness

 

I don't get mad easily, but did let him know that kind of talk is not ok with me and things have been peachy since. While I do not make plans with this particular person, he is an in-law of my long term friend, so I see him every so often while helping said friend out with him. He actually tried to get a date with me, however I brushed him off as I could never date someone so crass (his overall character was quite sleazy). Although, as a not-so-close friend/acquaintance is fine enough.

 

It all depends on what fits your needs and how you get along overall. One incident isn't a dealbreaker for a low profile friendship. If they're an overall a**, then perhaps you should just stop making plans. I didn't get that vibe from your friend because it seemed the friendship was pretty good besides this one incident. It is up to you if you want to continue as it was or make things more low key if this person starts causing you more headache.

[ChellyV]

He can say whatever the heck he wants as long as you feel beautiful that you lost weight and achieved what you aimed for!

 

This man lacks tact. In the meantime, let him be. Let it go.

 

I have an elderly male friend who finds it amusing to criticize. I have reminded him so many times to drop that type of attitude. And he has. So, tackle it with fierce force then let it go, decide whether a friendship with this person is worthy of pursuing or not. Mine was. And he remains a great friend to me and my family. Every now and then his weakness comes out but I have learned to ignore.

[Batya33]

I would continue the friendship but with more boundaries. Keep your distance a bit more. I'm sorry he said that! Congrats on losing weight!

[itsallgrand]

I do think it is rude to make negative comments about someone's body, no matter the culture and no matter the relationship to the person.

 

Congrats on your weight loss.

[Hollyj]

I have walked away from various relationships over things like this Holls ....couple of examples , someone in my family was being incredibly homophobic in joke and racist , also in joke , but I don't find it funny ....my daughter is bi sexual and her father is Asian ..so you can imagine how that went down with me .

Then I have a friend who comments on everything I wear , makes up some little joke , I know mostly I look like a rainbow has just thrown up on me and that's ok ... but you just end up sat there thinking ..wow I would never ever make such personal comments about anyone , their clothing choices etc etc .

 

I AM NOT TRYING TO MAKE THIS ABOUT ME ..oops shouty ....ME ME ME

 

More I relate to you , just fek off with the comments about body , clothing , sexual orientation etc etc You are quite within your rights to feel like you do and if you choose to walk away then I certainly see why .

 

Would I walk away from him ....well that depends if my own mind could let it go , how many times this has happened and if he does it again should you mix with him again .

 

It's a shame you can't go back and slam him one right back as you hug him and tell him you are so sorry for the small penis he seems to be poking in your hip . ( I am so childish)

 

Your call my darling , but to reiterate , I totally agree that it was inappropriate and unnecessary x.

 

I really don't know what people are thinking, and how they believe this to be appropriate. How did you deal with the family? Are you still friends with this woman?

 

One would believe that at a certain age, one would know better.

 

Thanks, Honey!

[Hollyj]

He did not know. I am caucasian so no one could ever guess and my brother is a half sibling. The friend defended his position by saying "Every black person I've met, I just didn't like; there were all a**holes". While those were his experiences, it is never ok to hate everyone in that group based on only a handfull of people. Of course my brother is quite different, as he is the epitome of coolness and niceness

 

I don't get mad easily, but did let him know that kind of talk is not ok with me and things have been peachy since. While I do not make plans with this particular person, he is an in-law of my long term friend, so I see him every so often while helping said friend out with him. He actually tried to get a date with me, however I brushed him off as I could never date someone so crass (his overall character was quite sleazy). Although, as a not-so-close friend/acquaintance is fine enough.

 

It all depends on what fits your needs and how you get along overall. One incident isn't a dealbreaker for a low profile friendship. If they're an overall a**, then perhaps you should just stop making plans. I didn't get that vibe from your friend because it seemed the friendship was pretty good besides this one incident. It is up to you if you want to continue as it was or make things more low key if this person starts causing you more headache.

 

The guy sounds like a complete sleaze bag. How limited can one be.

 

This is a close friend. That is why it is hurtful. If it were a casual friend, I wouldn't care, and never deal with them again.

 

Thank you, for your input. I think I will pull back for awhile. I cannot move forward with a close relationship, if said friend, cant understand, or acknowledge that he caused offense.

[Hollyj]

He can say whatever the heck he wants as long as you feel beautiful that you lost weight and achieved what you aimed for!

 

This man lacks tact. In the meantime, let him be. Let it go.

 

I have an elderly male friend who finds it amusing to criticize. I have reminded him so many times to drop that type of attitude. And he has. So, tackle it with fierce force then let it go, decide whether a friendship with this person is worthy of pursuing or not. Mine was. And he remains a great friend to me and my family. Every now and then his weakness comes out but I have learned to ignore.

 

Thank, Chelly.

[Hollyj]

I would continue the friendship but with more boundaries. Keep your distance a bit more. I'm sorry he said that! Congrats on losing weight!

 

Thank you. I will keep distance.

 

Thanks! It seemed to take forever.

[Hollyj]

I do think it is rude to make negative comments about someone's body, no matter the culture and no matter the relationship to the person.

 

Congrats on your weight loss.

 

Totally agree!

 

Thanks!

[Hollyj]

Thank you everyone, for your wise words and support!

[LotusBlack]

I'm seriously not trying to be a jerk here.

 

I mean, if he was saying your chest was flat, then yes, that is a horrible thing to say to a lady.

 

But many Asian people are Buddhists and as a consequence, are vegetarians. They have a very healthy diet, highly respect their bodies, are totally in tune with nature and are generally in good physical shape. Many of the longest-living people in the world come from Asian countries. I'm thinking this is what he was getting at. Am I wrong?

 

 

I cannot even begin to say how misguided this assumption is. No, most Asians are not Buddhist. More over, being vegetarian is almost unheard of in most Asian countries; the majority of vegetarians are usually foreigners or those who are practicing Buddhists. The attitude to food is generally about achieving balance in each meal (not referring to instant noodles and whatnot). I am vegan and live in Japan (I have also lived in China) and cannot even begin to tell you how difficult my life is where food is concerned. I can rarely eat out or even buy a salad without it having some sort of meat element.

 

 

@Hollyj A first offence deserves a second chance if you make clear your boundaries, as another poster said. The point isn't that he has to concede your point but respect your condition to friendship. He can disagree with your opinion but that doesn't mean he's welcome to voice his thoughts in that way in the future, not if he values your friendship. Basically, keep his opinions to himself in that regard.

[abitbroken]

No man outside of a doctor making a clinical observation or your husband/boyfriend should be making ANY comments about your breasts. I am sorry. He is out of line for mentioning he notices them bigger or smaller or perkier or saggy. If he was talking about another body part - perhaps its just meant as a compliment, but nope. no no

[thegothamknigh]

This entirely depends on your discretion. You know the person better than anyone here. You know how close you two as friends are.

And here, you responded the way you felt right.

You felt offended, and you made it clear. I do appreciate that, and I also do believe that it was the right thing to do.

Put me in that situation, I would do the same.

[Hollyj]

This entirely depends on your discretion. You know the person better than anyone here. You know how close you two as friends are.

And here, you responded the way you felt right.

You felt offended, and you made it clear. I do appreciate that, and I also do believe that it was the right thing to do.

Put me in that situation, I would do the same.

 

The thing is, I have only known him 2+ years - Majority of my friends, I have had for 10 plus years. This is not a big deal to lose him as a friend, to be honest. And, the problem I had, is that there was NO apology after he saw how offended I was. This is not a friend.

[SherrySher]

He won't. He made me feel foolish that I was upset. He will not admit that he was wrong, and that I am blowing it out of proportion. He doesn't admit to fault.

 

This is very important. If someone respects and cares about you, even as a friend, they will care that they offended you and will want to make it right. They will also try to see your side of things.

This guy sounds immature and he isn't even trying to be respectful or see your side of things.

That's not a good friend and I too would question whether it's worth continuing the friendship.

[Hollyj]

This is very important. If someone respects and cares about you, even as a friend, they will care that they offended you and will want to make it right. They will also try to see your side of things.

This guy sounds immature and he isn't even trying to be respectful or see your side of things.

That's not a good friend and I too would question whether it's worth continuing the friendship.

 

Yes. I agree. I have done many stupid things, but have no problem apologizing. If you value someone, you should own up to a mistake.