Is it for a rebound?

[mjp]

Hello. My ex and I broke up in the beginning of September and it was a mutual decision. We were engaged and have a really strong bond. We still see each other often and talk every day. He told me he is looking for a girlfriend but it doesn't mean he wants to marry her or have a family with her and that he still loves me. He told me he is looking for someone to have sex with because he can't go however long we are apart without sex but he doesn't want them to feel used so that is why they would be dating. He also told me we can still see each other when he has a girlfriend. He said it's a GIRL - FRIEND not a relationship. He once told a girl that he was trying to use her as a rebound...this was about a month and a half ago. He is now on dating sites trying to meet someone else. I'm afraid he is going to end up getting feelings for someone else. Do you think he is just looking for a rebound and I shouldn't worry about anything? He is a very honest person and has told me multiple times not to overthink everything but just to listen to him. We both have a lot of things to work on and I think he's just afraid of being alone but I am scared.

[firelily]

He told me he is looking for someone to have sex with because he can't go however long we are apart without sex but he doesn't want them to feel used so that is why they would be dating. (He has a high sex drive.)

 

I can't even... HOW is that better, more mature or empathetic of him to date these girls instead of specifying he wants just a sexual release? They will waste their time on him on their search for an actual boyfriend, and get emotionally engaged in this douche. Gosh I'm so angry at his bull** attitude. He is only nice to himself. He's lying to himself so that he could feel good about himself.

 

But whatever immature thing he does - having sex with girls he emotionally uses, trying to have some in-between thing with you that will turn out destructive to everybody... I think you should not analyze what he does and where it will lead him, but think about what YOU want.

 

You said you broke up and it was a mutual decision. You care about him, but for some reasons you decided you shouldn't be involved romantically. So why not respect that decision and move on? Maybe you should have only friendly contact now, if he really is your friend (from what you wrote he isn't acting like one, because he puts you into some bad situation of his own choice). That means talking from time to time and NOT every day. Or no contact at all, until you feel free of feelings for him. If you don't believe things will work out between you, you should embrace being alone however scary it is and stop building a good life for yourself now and not put this off for later, cause this is only prolonging the pain.

 

If you both are serious about getting back together, both are working on yourself, and you see a possibility of things you broke up about improving to the point where you can have a healthy relationship - then try this seriously. That means has to have sex with his hand for a while and not get involved with other women. It's really doable for most men, especially if they love someone and want to have a future with them. But that would have to be out of his own choice. Honestly, I think he says he loves you, but his actions doesn't show like he's dedicated to getting you back.

 

Decide where you stand in all this. Ask yourself what is less painful for you - moving on for good, or having a thing with your ex while he dates and has sex with other random women. And keep to that decision. But don't get worried about his bad decisions because this shouldn't be your burden.

[Hollyj]

He might as well be serviced by a prostitute.

 

I cannot imagine how I would feel if someone told me that were using me as a rebound. He sounds like an insensitive clod. I also don't understand his need to share this with you. That's off!

 

This jerk does not give a damn about others, focus on you.

[mjp]

@firelily do you think this is a rebound thing though?

[DancingFool]

You have such a strong bond that you broke up......who are you fooling OP?

Either he is the world's biggest d-bag or, more likely, he is simply moving on while keeping you around as a gal pal. Yeah, he is being honest with you in that he is telling you to your face that he is looking to get involved with someone else. Btw, rebounds help us move on from our ex to a real relationship with someone else entirely who doesn't bring about the problems we had with our ex.

 

Honestly, what you are doing sounds incredibly convoluted and unhealthy. Either you two need to get back together and work on your issues as a couple and a team, or you need to face reality that you are broken up for good and cut contact so you can actually heal and move on. This limbo pretend existence will drive you crazy.

[Hollyj]

"Will we end up together?

So my ex fiance and I were supposed to get married in November. We moved out and found our own places in September because it was too risky for us to be together. We were fighting a lot because he lost his job and things got REALLY stressful. We both have bipolar and since he couldn't afford health insurance, he was off his meds and kept getting irritable very easily. I just couldn't deal with things and started getting violent. He would restrain me and I would get bruises from it and scream at the top of my lungs. He didn't want the neighbors to call the cops because he is on probation with 17 years in jail over his head. We never fell out of love with each other, in fact he just said he loves me a couple days ago. We still talk almost every day and have sex occasionally. He's said so many things about us getting back together in a couple years when things level out. However, he told me that he is looking for a girlfriend. But he also said that it's basically for sex...he doesn't want someone to feel used so that's why they would be in a "relationship." He also said that just because he has a girl friend doesn't mean that he wants to marry her or have a family with her. I think this is basically just a rebound thing...a band-aid to get his mind off of me. He's been on dating sites since a couple days after we broke up. He told me we would still see each other though. Yesterday he told me that he is waiting for me to realize that I don't need anyone to be happy and that I can be happy on my own. He has a lot on his plate right now and just recently asked me to give him space until he figures everything out. He lost both his jobs, has court, and has no money to pay his rent. I think I just need to give it time and that he will come back to me. What do you guys think???"

 

This is dangerous and toxic and the highest level. Stay away from this guy!!!!!

[mjp]

He might as well be serviced by a prostitute.

 

I cannot imagine how I would feel if someone told me that were using me as a rebound. He sounds like an insensitive clod. I also don't understand his need to share this with you. That's off!

 

He doesn't want to have sex with multiple women...just one. And I am actually glad he shared this with me so I can brace myself instead of being blindsided

[mjp]

I'm not asking here any advice about our relationship and whether or not I should leave him...I'm simply asking if this is a rebound situation.

[Hollyj]

He doesn't want to have sex with multiple women...just one. And I am actually glad he shared this with me so I can brace myself instead of being blindsided

 

He is using people. It does not mater if it is 1 or 10.

 

Your relationship is very unhealthy.

[firelily]

@firelily do you think this is a rebound thing though?

 

Why should you care? Who cares if he thinks he loves you or if he thinks he's interested in future with you, or knows he's using you. He's actions shows that he's using both you and these women.

 

You care about him and hope for a reconciliation - do you sleep around with men and date them, and tell your ex that you want to meet him in between, but casually? No. You wait for his love and start a thread on this forum. Cause this is how you care about him. If he had this kind of love for you - not only in words - he would have behaved differently. Love is a verb. It's what you do for another person. What he does to you is confusing, uncaring and a bit toxic.

[Hollyj]

It is his life. Leave it to him. He is doing well by trying to take advantage of other women.

 

You should understand why you were in this type of relationship. You two were terrible together,

[Hollyj]

Why should you care? Who cares if he thinks he loves you or if he thinks he's interested in future with you, or knows he's using you. He's actions shows that he's using both you and these women.

 

You care about him and hope for a reconciliation - do you sleep around with men and date them, and tell your ex that you want to meet him in between, but casually? No. You wait for his love and start a thread on this forum. Cause this is how you care about him. If he had this kind of love for you - not only in words - he would have behaved differently. Love is a verb. It's what you do for another person. What he does to you is confusing, uncaring and a bit toxic.

 

I agree. It is very disturbing. He is very self serving.

[MissCanuck]

No, I don't think it's a rebound. That would imply he's trying to fill a void left behind by you, but based on your other thread and this one, he doesn't care enough about you to be that broken up over your relationship ending. He cares a lot more about himself and getting his own needs and desires satisfied.

 

If he is actually going out with these women, then he likely will end up developing feelings for one of them, sooner or later.

 

And that would be a huge blessing in disguise for you. You two are awful for each other.

[Jan2728]

Why should you care? Who cares if he thinks he loves you or if he thinks he's interested in future with you, or knows he's using you. He's actions shows that he's using both you and these women.

 

You care about him and hope for a reconciliation - do you sleep around with men and date them, and tell your ex that you want to meet him in between, but casually? No. You wait for his love and start a thread on this forum. Cause this is how you care about him. If he had this kind of love for you - not only in words - he would have behaved differently. Love is a verb. It's what you do for another person. What he does to you is confusing, uncaring and a bit toxic.

 

While I agree there are issues in this relationship, men tend to handle things in a different way than women.

 

This man does seem to have his priorities out of order, I'm my humble opinion, shouldn't be be focusing on getting work?

 

I am uncertain if this is a rebound attempt or not, clearly he wants to keep you in his life while having sex with other women. If he has a high sex drive, why not continue that aspect of the relationship with you while you take space besides and work on yourselves?

[figureitout23]

While I agree there are issues in this relationship, men tend to handle things in a different way than women.

 

This man does seem to have his priorities out of order, I'm my humble opinion, shouldn't be be focusing on getting work?

 

I am uncertain if this is a rebound attempt or not, clearly he wants to keep you in his life while having sex with other women. If he has a high sex drive, why not continue that aspect of the relationship with you while you take space besides and work on yourselves?

 

Right... how is it a rebound or a 'high sex drive' thing? He's still porking you and I doubt you turn him down so why would he 'need' someone else for sex?

 

This is bad news.