Should I get a divorce or is this what marriage is?

[Roseanna]

I am 25 and been married for a year and a half. I've been with him for 6 years. When he first proposed I said no because I was 22 and felt too young. He reassured me that nothing would change and I could still go out partying with my friends and that it meant a lot to him to be married. So I agreed to make him happy. The night before I was with my family and friends and I felt sick at the thought of getting married so young but put it down to just nerves. The wedding was ok, defiantly not the best day of my life, I found it more awkward and there was no sex or chemistry or even a first dance which all my family picked up on. Which brings me to the present time. We have been arguing ever since we got married as I have continued to want to see my friends, text them daily and go out (twice a month). He has now admitted that he doesn't think a wife should go out or go to clubs because people only do that to pull another guy. Whenever I say but my friends do and that I know girls with kids and in their forties who still enjoy a night out he says 'but are they married?' He comments on what I'm wearing and admits he is very insecure even going through my phone behind my back regularly. I do have to say though, the more he controls me (or tried to, I'm very strong minded) the more I try and break free by talking to other guys and even having to lie when I meet up with guy mates because I know it will cause an argument. He wants me to stay at home, clean and give him children which I do want but I also want to go out and have fun. We never do anything together because he doesn't like social situations whereas I have a real need to socialise. He has even asked me before 'why would you want to see your friends when I'm home and you can see me' he doesn't have many friends and makes no effort with them so doesn't understand why I would want to. My question is what do I do? I have always wanted to be married, he loves me to death, would do anything for me and would be a great dad. I could spend the rest of my life with him. Should I be sacrificing my nights out and friends to really put effort into my marriage? Is that what marriage is? Or is there someone out there who would sit in a cocktail bar with me, go out with his friends when I see mine. Because of all this I find it hard to fancy him now because he is basically acting a dads role and has given up with his appearance because he doesn't think he needs to make an effort now we are married. If I leave him will I just be chasing a fairy tail that doesn't exist and end up lonely until I 'settle' for someone the same or even worse. Am I being ungrateful? I have so many questions. You don't get taught this stuff at school.

[rosephase]

Do you love him? Do you want to be with him? How is your relationship outside of this argument?

 

Personally I would be upset and be worried about what else he's happy to lead me on about. He told you that you could keep going out and having friends while he knew that he wouldn't want you to do that after you were married. That would be a really big issue for me.

[Edmund Exley]

Yeah, you had no business getting married to this person.

[Roseanna]

I don't know if I love him. I don't have a romantic connection to him anymore I struggle to even kiss him. But I thought I would be with him forever. I've lived with him since I was 19 when I moved out of my parents. I've never proper exeperiened being single and alone so don't know if I'm not appreciating what we have. We argue all the time about small things because he knows I'm not 100% happy so neither is he and he is just panicking all the time that he is going to loose me. He is a very sensitive caring guy and would do anything to please me such as allowing me to go out. But then will hate me the day after

[rosephase]

I don't know if I love him. I don't have a romantic connection to him anymore I struggle to even kiss him. But I thought I would be with him forever. I've lived with him since I was 19 when I moved out of my parents. I've never proper exeperiened being single and alone so don't know if I'm not appreciating what we have. We argue all the time about small things because he knows I'm not 100% happy so neither is he and he is just panicking all the time that he is going to loose me. He is a very sensitive caring guy and would do anything to please me such as allowing me to go out. But then will hate me the day after

 

What does him "hating" you look like?

 

If you don't love him, don't want to be with him, feel like you are missing your life, struggle to even kiss him... of course you should leave. You don't want anything about this relationship. You told him the truth that you weren't ready to get married and he lied to you about who he was in order to talk you into it. He shouldn't be shocked when you walk out.

[Roseanna]

Him hating me is just being off with me. Accusing me of cheating if I had a picture with a guy in it (it was my gay friend). And just being generally miserable not allowing me to talk about the night or my friends. He just doesn't want to know. When we talk about your marriage we both agree that it isn't right and begin to talk about the mortgage and dog and how we would split but then the conversation always does a u turn when we are both sobbing. Surely if you both want to split it is an easier decision than this. If we are both crying there must be something left to work on?

[DanZee]

Oh, boy. This is one of the problems of marrying young because neither of you have fully become the person you are going to be yet. At first, he was OK with you seeing your friends and partying. But now he's turning into his father and wants a 1950's stay-at-home wife. He's trying to control you and you're fighting back. Good. He wants you to give him your full attention, you have friends you like to be with. He's a loner, you're more sociable.

 

He's already showing some of the signs of trying to emotionally abuse you such as accusing you of trying to cheat, going through your phone, trying to isolate you from your friends, nitpicking on things you're wearing, and constant arguing. These are standard textbook behaviors and usually get worse with time.

 

A lot of this is coming from your husband's insecurities and the fact that he is a loner. You should see if you can make a deal with him, that you will have a night each week where you can go out and see your friends. The other nights, you'll stay home with him. And then make deals about him not commenting on your clothes and whatever else he's criticizing you for. Get an agreement on these things and hopefully you can make these arguments and his attempts to control you go away.

 

If you can't change his behavior, then you should think about splitting up. Because basically, if he's like this, you have settled. It's not too much to ask for a partner who likes going out with you twice a month. And I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who like that too.

[rosephase]

Him hating me is just being off with me. Accusing me of cheating if I had a picture with a guy in it (it was my gay friend). And just being generally miserable not allowing me to talk about the night or my friends. He just doesn't want to know. When we talk about your marriage we both agree that it isn't right and begin to talk about the mortgage and dog and how we would split but then the conversation always does a u turn when we are both sobbing. Surely if you both want to split it is an easier decision than this. If we are both crying there must be something left to work on?

 

Breaking up sucks. Even when it's the right choice. You don't want to hurt him. Just because you two are a bad fit doesn't mean you want to cause each other pain. But you can't stay in a relationship to avoid the pain of breaking up. That will make your life so much harder for so much longer.

[Andrina]

Before you decide to end things, you might make a last ditch effort to better your relationship. Explain to him that it's smothering for him to make you the center of his entire universe and that for his own good and yours, he needs to expand his social activities with others. What would be the optimum? If he spent time with guy friends. If he joined a gym or started playing a sport or some other activity group. If you two hung out with another couple and had them over for a meal. Some couples like to do karaoke or play cards with a small or large group. Ask him if one of his friends has a girlfriend or wife that you two could invite over. Tell him that relationships require compromise, and once a month you'd like him to join you and other friends for a night out.

 

Girls nights outs are fun and reasonable if you don't overdo it when married. You might want to tone down the twice a month of going to bars and do other stuff with friends. Realize that there are other activities that don't involve drinking that you can do with friends, like going to the movies, a paint and sip class, daytime outings like hiking or bicycling or clothes shopping.

 

Let him know that checking your phone and monitoring your cell phone will actually be the reason he loses you versus his idea that it's preventing you from leaving, and that if he doesn't compromise by expanding his social activities with you and your group of friends, and also by his spending more time with guy friends, then you can't go on with him since it's too much pressure on you to be his all.

 

If he won't compromise and improve, then you will at least feel that you tried before ending a relationship that has run its course. Chalk it up to making an immature decision before your brain reached its maturity, which normally happens at age 25. It's never too late to right a wrong and its okay to end a relationship when you no longer love your partner. It frees both of you to eventually find a better match. Let us know how it goes. Take care.

[Lester]

"So I agreed to make him happy."

- Trying to make someone happy by marrying them is a misuse/misunderstanding of marriage.

 

That said, clubbing gets old fast.

Tell him you/he need to reach a common ground.

 

He has to put more effort into going out with you and being social.

You have pull yourself back over the green-grass fence.

 

You'll never know until you try.

[DancingFool]

No, this is not what marriage is about. Unfortunately, you went against your own better judgment, allowed this guy to convince you to marry and didn't pay attention or perhaps didn't have the experience to notice all the red flags flying in your face. As a result, you are living a nightmare now.

 

Normally, I'd say since you are married you need to try to make it work, get counseling, etc. However, your situation is so bad and so extreme, that I think you really do need to divorce and be done with him. What you describe isn't love or caring OP. Going forward, stay away from someone who is so opposite of you, understand that guys will lie in order to lock you down into a relationship, trust your gut and actually listen to it. If something feels wrong, it's because it is wrong. Insecure control freaks will promise you the world, tell you anything you want to hear and push you hard to commit to them, so beware.

 

As for what you want, going out a couple of times per month is really very moderate. Nobody would accuse of being a social butterfly for that. Yes, look around - plenty of couples and married people are out socializing and enjoying life together. You need friends as a couple as well as individually. It's normal. Unfortunately, your husband is an extreme loner and insecure to boot. He doesn't want friends and he wants to isolate you from everyone. You won't find common ground with him because it isn't in him.

[Hollyj]

I agree with Dancing.

 

He is a control freak. How miserable.

 

You should seek a divorce attorney.

[Roseanna]

I have tried to make him be more sociable. He went to a bar with my sister and her partner, I had a ball a loved the company but matt felt very uncomfortable and doesn't want to do it again. I've spoke to him about getting hobbies and he has started back at the gym but he won't see his mates. He works with his best mate so doesn't want to see him in his spare time and the others he just says don't message him and he won't make the first move. Without arranging a play date for him I don't know how I can change that. He says what I find important he doesn't and he doesn't want to hold me back so basically if I want to have fun I should do it without him. But that means I'm living 2 separate lives and gaining little other than comfort and support from my marriage. Some of you have said about growing up. I do believe this is the main issue as I used to be more shy and have little friends too when he met me. He has voiced that he doesn't like who I have become but I do and this is me. I just want him to change with me.

[Starlight925]

He reassured me that nothing would change and I could still go out partying with my friends

 

So he pulled a bait & switch on you. You told him you'd want to still go out clubbing, and said sure, nothing will change, you can still party with your friends!

 

Then, right after marriage, he starts checking your phone, criticizing your clothes, etc.

 

He told you what he knew you wanted to hear to get you hooked.

 

All I can say is, in addition to getting counseling prior to deciding to divorce, is please make sure your birth control is on point. You do not want to get pregnant now.

[Hollyj]

Yes. He did pull a "bait and switch." The guy is anti social, and you are not compatible.

 

OP, is this who he was when you were dating? If so, why did you marry him?

 

It will not change. He acts older than my 87 year old mother.

[pippy longstocking]

I read back out of curiosity and before you married him you made posts like these , you didn't want to , you didn't enjoy your wedding day , you didn't enjoy the sex , he had a tracker put on your phone , you had an affair ...it is an absolute train wreck and the only reason I have dredged all that up from 2015- to now is , because enough is enough you can't keep dancing the same dance , it past its sell by date long before you married him , so you need to take action instead of carrying on wasting either of your lives .

[Hollyj]

I read back out of curiosity and before you married him you made posts like these , you didn't want to , you didn't enjoy your wedding day , you didn't enjoy the sex , he had a tracker put on your phone , you had an affair ...it is an absolute train wreck and the only reason I have dredged all that up from 2015- to now is , because enough is enough you can't keep dancing the same dance , it past its sell by date long before you married him , so you need to take action instead of carrying on wasting either of your lives .

 

You said it, Girl!!!

 

What a big mess!

[Roseanna]

I know. I think I am hoping for a miracle and terrified of what's to come if I did leave. I don't want to look back and regret it. I've made mistakes and really trying to find a way to make this relationship work. Friends and family only tell you what they think they want you to hear and only hear half the story. On here people are brutally honest which I appreciate. I think it's time to stop making excuses and admit to myself how bad this actually is. Time to screw my head on get out of this mess and find my true self. This has gone deep.

[Jibralta]

How old is he?

[Hollyj]

I know. I think I am hoping for a miracle and terrified of what's to come if I did leave. I don't want to look back and regret it. I've made mistakes and really trying to find a way to make this relationship work. Friends and family only tell you what they think they want you to hear and only hear half the story. On here people are brutally honest which I appreciate. I think it's time to stop making excuses and admit to myself how bad this actually is. Time to screw my head on get out of this mess and find my true self. This has gone deep.

 

That's the right decision. This has not been right for years. Don't ever let someone pressure you into something.

 

When trust and respect are gone, it's over.

[ellee]

Some of you have said about growing up. I do believe this is the main issue as I used to be more shy and have little friends too when he met me. He has voiced that he doesn't like who I have become but I do and this is me. I just want him to change with me.

 

That's the problem. You met when you were young and have grown into two very different people. Sometimes young couples naturally grow together and sometimes they diverge. It's not your fault or his. Of course there will be tears and sadness when you talk about ending the relationship. It's a loss that needs to be grieved, because there will always be love/care there (but that doesn't mean you're in love with him). The tears and sadness is due to chemical reactions in your brain. That does not mean it's logically the right decision to stay together.

 

I know. I think I am hoping for a miracle and terrified of what's to come if I did leave. I don't want to look back and regret it.

 

Honestly, what is there to regret? You two are no longer compatible. He does not trust you and borderline emotionally abuses you (and I know he doesn't mean to). If your reason for staying is fear that you'll never find someone who loves you as much as he does, then you're not being fair to him or yourself.

[superfan]

Divorce him.

 

Divorce him tomorrow.

 

NO, this is not what marriage is. Or at least, not what a healthy marriage is. You are on your way to something abusive and controlling (and some aspects are abusive now) and you need to get out before it becomes dangerous and/or physical.

 

Look at the language you are using. You want him to "allow" you to go places with your friends. You know who can "allow" people to go places with their friends? Parents. Parents can control who their children spend time with and only up until a certain point. After that, children become adults and are able to decide who they associate with.

 

He is controlling who you see, what you wear, accusing you of cheating (and you in turn are behaving inappropriately with male friends as some form of immature revenge), and going through your phone.

 

These are all warning signs of abuse. Abusers isolate. Abusers play the "sensitive" card. Abusers make you their whole world. Abusers accuse you of cheating and gaslight. Abusers try to control what you wear.

 

Look at these links please. Almost everything you have said here is in these links.

 

LEAVE

 

 

 

[Pleasedonot5]

So he's changing the deal now that he has you? He gets to dictate terms now because he has you?

 

What's your gut reaction: Do you think marrying him was right? Do you want to be with him for the rest of your life?

[Pleasedonot5]

I know. I think I am hoping for a miracle and terrified of what's to come if I did leave. I don't want to look back and regret it. I've made mistakes and really trying to find a way to make this relationship work. Friends and family only tell you what they think they want you to hear and only hear half the story. On here people are brutally honest which I appreciate. I think it's time to stop making excuses and admit to myself how bad this actually is. Time to screw my head on get out of this mess and find my true self. This has gone deep.

You will not regret divorcing him in the long term.

[thealchemist]

That is not how my marriage works. Yours sounds miserable.

 

He sounds like he is trying to force a codependancy element into your relationship. Not healthy.

 

My wife and I started dating at 16/17 and got married at 23/24. We married young and have been together a long time. We are 29/30 now and are very happy. All the stuff you talk about sounds terrible.

 

It sounds like he is changing and doesn't approve of you not changing the way he wants. That stifling behavior is going to only get worse from the sound of it.