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Help me turn this around: Does she love me or not?


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My girlfriend of around 1 year nearly broke up with me about 6 months ago. She said she didn't love me. When I look back I was acting too needy and too much of a nice guy and pushover. When she told me that she didn't love me, I told her the next day that wasn't acceptable, to which she almost immediately responded that she didn't want to break up. Then a few days later, we had makeup sex, she told me she loved me. We even booked a holiday. Crisis resolved.

 

Recently though, she's been "off". I've been applying different approaches from work online (attraction tips, remaining masculine, etc) over the past 6'ish weeks (to try keep things on track), and what has happened is that our dating experiences have really improved. For the most part she's been much more feminine and playful. Today I noticed that she has been "off" when we're not dating, and I tried to open her up - she suffers from depression at times and anxiety (she goes to therapy) - and the last conversation we had this morning was me really digging deep, pushing her and at times calling her out on her behaviour. She cried a little, said she was sorry and brought up that she'd been having thoughts on "unsure about love" and "she has been feeling similar to 6 months ago". I stayed calm and said that the giving of relationship energies is not equal. That I was giving too much and she was taking too much. And I continued saying 'where do I draw the line?' Toward the end of the talk she became more upbeat, we hugged and began French kissing. I feel she was into this - I stopped the kiss and she went back in for more. Am I simply not opening her up frequently enough in a loving way? Is she projecting anxiety onto our relationship?

 

For the record, we're still having sex regularly. Recently, it's just been "sex" and not "making love". I can tell she has been a bit distant during initimacy. And, very recently she just wanted to give me oral. But she has been more emotionally distant, and she has said she's enjoying her alone time more, and she's quite happy alone which she feels guilty about, as it has been often spent with me. I assure her that's OK. I'm disciplined in not chasing her, blowing up her phone, (I am a genuinely busy person).

 

Help me get this on track.

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The problem is that all the online advice and attraction tips in the world just won't work when someone doesn't feel the same way about you. It's not always something that can be fixed, unfortunately.

 

It sounds like you both gave this a shot, and that you already gave her some space. It appears it's not working, which I suspect is because she just doesn't share the same interest in you that you do in her. I have a feeling, like SweetGirl 28, that she feels guilty about pulling away from you and doesn't want to hurt you but that this relationship might just be coming to its natural end.

 

All you can really do is continue to give her some space, but be prepared to end it if this doesn't improve. There is only so much one person can do; there has to be some true desire from the other party too.

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She will thank you for it too. She wants out. She's just afraid.

 

Thanks for the response. How do you mean afraid?

 

The problem is that all the online advice and attraction tips in the world just won't work when someone doesn't feel the same way about you. It's not always something that can be fixed, unfortunately. All you can really do is continue to give her some space, but be prepared to end it if this doesn't improve. There is only so much one person can do; there has to be some true desire from the other party too.

 

Thanks for the response here also. I'll elaborate a bit more. Today she said she'd been feeling this "off" way a little since Autumn, say last month. What I noticed was a sudden drop in interest to then a spike in interest a few weeks ago. Then she had a terrible hormonal week with her period (swapping BC pills), she was crying when I would see her. I tried to comfort her as best I could, be this kind of rock figure when she was low, making light of everything. We went walking and she was holding my hand very very tightly. Showed great affection. Then I didn't hear from her for 2 days (wanted to give her space), and then met her for coffee and she just broke down in the shop. Again I tried to remain strong, light hearted. She complained I didn't reach out enough - though I was busy, I wanted to give her space. And also because of everything before I've kept the 'me initiating the contact' very light. This takes a load of self-control.

 

So this BC pill swap is when I've began to noticeably loose her (2 weeks ago). The last week we've met up, hooked up, had fun etc, but I decided to open up on this today. We dated earlier this week, she was talking about future stuff, and we have a future holiday booked. Then yeah, this morning wasn't so promising. Does any of this change/alter your diagnosis?

 

What I've noticed is I've became anxiously attached. So I have this 'anxiety' all day when this is happening, it really takes a lot of strength to cope with actually. It perhaps is a blessing of the relationship, is that it's making me quite resilient. But it doesn't have to be so difficult, at least I think. One other thought, though this may be a tad silly, we have our 1 year anniversary coming in 3 days. Haha. Yup... first relationship for me (I'm 27).

 

Really appreciated.

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Does any of this change/alter your diagnosis?

 

Not particularly, no.

 

Yes, birth control can make someone hormonal (and I can certainly speak from personal experience on that) but that isn't the real issue here. There has been a previous break-up that was initiated by her, and it's happening again. If anything, I'd say she's trying to convince herself not to give up yet and she's conflicted. Her feelings aren't as strong as yours, but she knows you're a good guy. She feels guilty that she can't reciprocate the feelings you have, and she doesn't know what to do. I have been in her position myself, and it's not easy.

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