happ Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 This is going to be long and I apologize in advance.. Thank you to those who read and respond So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and he is in the Navy. Recently, he told me that he wants to date other people but does not want to break up with me. We haven't seen each other for almost 6 months and he wants to have sex with other people. He hasn't cheated and wants to be with me, but that isn't possible so the next best thing would be to bang some other chick. We talked about an open relationship, but I don't think I would be able to handle it. We will see each other in a month and he is doing what he says is his best to hold out until then. However, he flirts with girls (two in particular) and hangs out with them on the military base where no PDA is allowed. I have begged him not to do this but he still does because he "likes it." his words. These girls told him they like him and want to have sex with him. He promised not to go off base with these girls so nothing can happen. They give him the attention that I cannot give him and he says he understands my jealousy, yet he won't stop seeing them. I love him, but I don't trust him because he doesn't trust himself. He thinks he can hold out (not cheat on me) until Christmas where we will be able to talk more in person. I'm debating whether all of this stress and hurt is worth it. We already bought Christmas gifts together so if I decide to end our relationship it has to be after Christmas lol. Jokes aside, I truly do love him and want to be with him, but he isn't 100% there. He doesn't want to be with me and only me and I don't want to end up getting hurt. I told him that if he still feels this way after we are together again then I will reconsider an open relationship. Honestly though, I don't think I can do an open relationship. I don't want us to break up but I don't want to get hurt either. Link to comment
Lester Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 You'll never go wrong following your instincts. (And brain) Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I know it ducks, but I would break up. I think it’s good that he’s being honest with you. And since you know you can’t handle an open relationship, you should let him go. I think he’s just telling you that he’s going to sleep with these other women sooner or later, like it or not. I think it would be hard being that far away from your partner for that long. Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Ugh..... Tell him to go pound the pavement! Do not lower your standards and values just because you don't want to lose him. Him going and having sex with others means he's not fully into you anyway. Let him do his thing, minus you in his life. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Ridiculous. He doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too. And I would show him the door because it’s ridcluosud they it’s such a sacrifice for him to hold out. Please. If it’s a sacrifice then his decision is clear - he chooses not to be committed to you because it’s more important to him to give in to his temptation to have sex with other women. No way should you be his back up or after thought. And of course the STD risk is huge. Return those presents or give or donate them to someone who will enjoy or appreciate them. It’s only money and I don’t mean to be flippant but do not let yourself indulge in “well I have to stomach him having sex with other women because of Christmas presents. I have no issue with him realizing he wants to be with other women and have no issue with him asking for an open relationship but they discussion should have ended with you telling him thanks but no thanks. Don’t engage in conversations about how disciplined he is trying to be against all this temptation. It’s hurtful and disrespectful to you. You will find someone for whom it’s not too much of a sacrifice to wait a few months or longer to have sex again (imagine how hard it would be if you stayed with him and couldn’t have sex because of a complicated pregnancy for example - what would happen then?) Link to comment
Snny Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Recently, he told me that he wants to date other people but does not want to break up with me. We haven't seen each other for almost 6 months and he wants to have sex with other people. NOPE NOPE NOPE. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Dump him. He would be long gone for even suggesting this if he were my boyfriend. Link to comment
happ Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 Can't edit so I'm posting a reply... hopefully all will see. Came across an article that puts things in a new perspective. His seeing those girls has nothing to do with me personally; he isn't doing it because I'm ugly or because he wants to hurt me. He is doing it because certain needs aren't being met. He needs attention that I cannot give from thousands of miles away so he seeks it elsewhere. He isn't going to dump me and as long as he stays on base, he wont cheat on me. So maybe I should drop my insecurities and be okay with him getting the attention that I cannot give. Thoughts? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Can't edit so I'm posting a reply... hopefully all will see. Came across an article that puts things in a new perspective. His seeing those girls has nothing to do with me personally; he isn't doing it because I'm ugly or because he wants to hurt me. He is doing it because certain needs aren't being met. He needs attention that I cannot give from thousands of miles away so he seeks it elsewhere. He isn't going to dump me and as long as he stays on base, he wont cheat on me. So maybe I should drop my insecurities and be okay with him getting the attention that I cannot give. Thoughts? Ummmm, nope, that rationalization doesn't work at all for a simple reason. It doesn't matter "why" he wants to or plans to have sex with other women and you can twist yourself in a pretzel dismissing your emotions, values and standards all you want and tell yourself it's too "insecure" of you not to let him get his "needs" met. We all have needs -we're human. And as humans we make choices to delay having certain needs met for a variety of reasons including our commitment to another person. This morning I really needed to get out for a longer time than I did - and I delayed that need because I wanted to help my husband get our son ready to go out for the day. So I delayed my need to have me time for a few hours for my husband's benefit. What if he "needs" to have sex because you're pregnant and the doctor told you to abstain because of a potential complication. Will you be ok with that and tell your pregnant self "oh silly me, it's so insecure of me to take it personally that while I'm pregnant he needs to get sex elsewhere." He won't dump you most likely -why should he? He gets to have sex with you when he comes back and get his needs met and he knows that you won't blink an eye -because you're so secure - if when you can't give him sex because he's out of town, or you're out of town, or you're ill -he can go get some elsewhere. He will think you are a very secure doormat who is settling for scraps because he will know you are lying to yourself and going against your values just to be with him - and if you don't respect you, why should he? About 14 years ago I was over the moon for this guy. After dating about 6 weeks he said that when we started having sex he would agree to be monogamous but still wanted to be able to have "coffee" with other women. Because he had "needs" too - and his needs were more important to him than committing to me. I twisted myself in a pretzel, talked myself to death -to myself and to friends - and after all that talk and all that "well but we'd be monogamous and maybe my standard -that we only have sex if we're exclusive with strong potential for marriage - needs some tweaking. Nope. So I asked him to meet up with me and I said very simply "If and when we have sex it will be because we are exclusive and serious about each other and I am not ok with dating others or looking to date others. If that is not ok with you, then we shouldn't date anymore." I was calm when I said it, no apologies, no back story and yes that was basically what I said although not verbatim -that short, that direct. He - a former player type -agreed. We dated another 3-4 months when he dumped me because he wasn't that into me. Two lessons -first, I'm glad I stuck to my values and second, I probably should have ended things as soon as he said he wanted monogamy but not exclusivity - I thought that after 6 weeks it might be a "too soon" issue so I took the risk. You've been with this guy far longer -it's not too soon to continue to be committed. Please please stop trying to convince yourself that you're ok with this - because the second you know or think you know he is having intercourse or acting inappropriately with another woman your body will become physically ill. And forget about getting a good night's sleep. Show him the door now. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I personally think its rather ridiculous to expect someone to remain celibate for any length of time and therefor would never get myself into a serious relationship with someone who wasn't going to be able to nurture the relationship in all ways. I would thank him for being so honest with me, I would tell him that sharing is not in my vocabulary when it comes to the man I love so I would break up with him and let him have his fun as I too would have mine. When he's back, and if neither of us found someone new, I would consider being with him in an exclusive, monogamous relationship then. I would guess that the majority of men and women who are deployed are not going to be celibate because its against human nature. Be thankful he gave you a choice to accept or walk. Most would not be as honest. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I personally think its rather ridiculous to expect someone to remain celibate for any length of time and therefor would never get myself into a serious relationship with someone who wasn't going to be able to nurture the relationship in all ways. I would thank him for being so honest with me, I would tell him that sharing is not in my vocabulary when it comes to the man I love so I would break up with him and let him have his fun as I too would have mine. When he's back, and if neither of us found someone new, I would consider being with him in an exclusive, monogamous relationship then. I would guess that the majority of men and women who are deployed are not going to be celibate because its against human nature. Be thankful he gave you a choice to accept or wailk. Most would not be as honest. Many people wait until marriage and while that ultimately was not for me it shows that people make all sorts of choices when it comes to love and commitment. My parents were engaged long distance for Years before marriage and waited as well. Certainly it’s wise not to get involved if ones priorities are to have sex regularly and the geography won’t allow for that but I’d need to know how long they knew he was going to be deployed and what was discussed. Breaking up so that he can prioritize his sexual needs is fine but they need to discuss whether he can hold out on his needs if she can’t have sex with him for a period of time -,she needs to know his limit because apparently she’s fine with waiting and not having sex with others while she is away. It’s only his issue and his choices. I dated a guy who broke up with me a few times because I wouldn’t have sec without exclusivity. He later got engaged and had a child with her. And messaged me about how he was struggling to stsybfistjful because they couldn’t have sex until she was 8 weeks post partum. So not getting involved long distance helps the issue of the person who chooses to prioritize sexual activity over commitment but there are other situations which require a couple to abstain for periods of time. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Being together and being able to nurture the relationship and, like most, actually giving one another orgasms without having intercourse until marriage is one thing. Expecting, as I said celibacy from someone for an indefinite time, with no nurturing or intimacy from another human of any kind, is quite another. Waiting for marriage and being celibate are not the same thing. As for your ex who was distraught because he had to wait 8 weeks post partum? Dweeb! Was his wife not willing to help him out in other ways for goodness sakes? Was it only intercourse that would keep him from whining? lol Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I would not be in a long distance relationship where we couldn’t be physically affectionate regularly but that doesn’t mean that another person could fulfill those “needs” because it depends whether it’s an itch that has to be scratched or being with the person in his or her presence and being able to hug and kiss. Her boyfriend believes he can replace her with another female body to fulfil his sexual needs as he puts it. That’s a different need from needing to be with her in person and to be able to be together in every way. It’s telling that he proposes getting his sexual needs met by other women rather than expressing the general concern that long distance is just not for him. I’d be more of the Camp of telling her to perhaps get back together when he is in the same location as she is if all else is status who rather than stomaching him getting serviced by other women to fulfil his sexual needs - can she really be ok with being that replaceable? As far as the anecdote I shared I’m not sure what the deal was. I do know that when I had a newborn and was post c/ section I believe we cuddled etc but most of our time was spent caring for our newborn and trying to catch some sleep here and there. It was never an issue and we were very active prior to the birth. Just to be clear the anecdote had to do with someone else not my husband. We were long distance for years but saw each other at least every two weeks. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I would not be in a long distance relationship where we couldn’t be physically affectionate regularly but that doesn’t mean that another person could fulfill those “needs” because it depends whether it’s an itch that has to be scratched or being with the person in his or her presence and being able to hug and kiss. Her boyfriend believes he can replace her with another female body to fulfil his sexual needs as he puts it. That’s a different need from needing to be with her in person and to be able to be together in every way. It’s telling that he proposes getting his sexual needs met by other women rather than expressing the general concern that long distance is just not for him. I’d be more of the Camp of telling her to perhaps get back together when he is in the same location as she is if all else is status who rather than stomaching him getting serviced by other women to fulfil his sexual needs - can she really be ok with being that replaceable? Probably not that is why its a good idea for her to break up with him and get on with her life if she's not able to be polyamorous while he is deployed. Some would be okay with his suggestion as long as his heart was with her or even some would be okay with sharing his heart. Op is not so I don't recommend she try to fit herself into that kind of lifestyle/dynamic if she is not of the same thinking as he is. As far as the anecdote I shared I’m not sure what the deal was. I do know that when I had a newborn and was post c/ section I believe we cuddled etc but most of our time was spent caring for our newborn and trying to catch some sleep here and there. It was never an issue and we were very active prior to the birth. Just to be clear the anecdote had to do with someone else not my husband. We were long distance for years but saw each other at least every two weeks.We were pretty much the same after the birth of our daughter but If my husband had blue you-know-whats I certainly wouldn't let him suffer. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I don’t think this has anything to do with a polyamorous relationship because then hey would both desire to have the option to have sex with other people and it’s not causal dating either because he wants her to remain committed to him while he gets his meds met by having intercourse with other women. If she was interested in being free to pursue other men then fine. Also it seems to me it’s mostly one sided - he has needs because he’s far away for a long time so he says. I haven’t read where he’d be happy to see her getting needs met while he’s away. Maybe she’d like to get romantic attention from other men without sex involved but he seems to want her to wait for him and be understanding about his needs. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I don’t think this has anything to do with a polyamorous relationship because then hey would both desire to have the option to have sex with other people and it’s not causal dating either because he wants her to remain committed to him while he gets his meds met by having intercourse with other women. Its not a poly relationship yet but by all accounts, he's trying to make it into one. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Its not a poly relationship yet but by all accounts, he's trying to make it into one. I would avoid any labels because that gives what he's asking to do some level of legitimacy -this is garden variety he wants to be able to have sex with other women and have her waiting for him as his committed partner when he can get home - he doesn't want to "break up" with her. Simple. I didn't see where he said that it would be best for her to sample other men or even acknowledged that of course she should pursue other men too, since it's only fair. And, she doesn't want to. She just wants him. "We talked about an open relationship, but I don't think I would be able to handle it." He doesn't just want her. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 I would avoid any labels because that gives what he's asking to do some level of legitimacy a rose by any other name is still a rose. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 a rose by any other name is still a rose. That is true in one context and I find that often people try to use euphemisms or use fancy or trendy labels to mask what is really far more simple or distasteful. Link to comment
happ Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 I don’t think this has anything to do with a polyamorous relationship because then hey would both desire to have the option to have sex with other people and it’s not causal dating either because he wants her to remain committed to him while he gets his meds met by having intercourse with other women. If she was interested in being free to pursue other men then fine. Also it seems to me it’s mostly one sided - he has needs because he’s far away for a long time so he says. I haven’t read where he’d be happy to see her getting needs met while he’s away. Maybe she’d like to get romantic attention from other men without sex involved but he seems to want her to wait for him and be understanding about his needs. It’s not ALL about the sex. He enjoys the ego boost from these girls that flirt with him and are able to show him the kind of affection I can’t. He said he would be able to tolerate me with other men if we open up our relationship but it’s just not what I want. Definitely one sided like you said though. You guys are being so helpful, thanks for the insight Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 It’s not ALL about the sex. He enjoys the ego boost from these girls that flirt with him and are able to show him the kind of affection I can’t. He said he would be able to tolerate me with other men if we open up our relationship but it’s just not what I want. Definitely one sided like you said though. You guys are being so helpful, thanks for the insight Of course he does and that's fine. But not fine for a man who wants to be in a committed relationship with you -if he did then either he'd end things until you could date in person if long distance was not for him -and let you be free to move on if you wanted - or he get his "ego boost" either from communicating with you or from aspects of his life that don't involve flirting with other women. It's really quite disgusting IMO - it's as if the affection and flirting from other women replace what you "can't" offer him - really? You're that replaceable that he can get his "needs" for flirting and female attention from some other random woman if you're not around? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 So maybe I should drop my insecurities and be okay with him getting the attention that I cannot give. Thoughts? My thoughts are you're selling yourself short, along with not allowing yourself to see this for what it truly is, which no matter how you spin it, it's still called "cheating." I'd set my standards at a higher level... Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 I don't think it's "cheating" if he's telling her what he wants and she's accepting of it. Which begs the question: OP, are you accepting of it? Would you also be supplementing your time apart with other lovers as well? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 I don't think it's "cheating" if he's telling her what he wants and she's accepting of it. Which begs the question: OP, are you accepting of it? Would you also be supplementing your time apart with other lovers as well? I don’t think he’s cheating at all. He’s telling her in advance that he wants to flirt with and hook up with other women and his excuse is that because she is not available to him in person he wants to get his needs to sex and ego boosts elsewhere from other women. And he also wants the two of them to remain a couple for when he comes home. She wrote in her first post that she is not interested in pursuing other men and later she wrote that she is trying to convince herself that if she can’t handle him flirting with and hooking up with bad hsving sex with other women it’s because she’s being too insecure and taking it personally when she shouldn’t. More typically when a person says that he or she wants to see and experience what else is out there is part of a discussion about breaking up or perhaps not being exclusive anymore. But he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 Op? What say you? Are you going to break up with him or are you going to go along with having an open relationship like he's proposing? Link to comment
annie24 Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 The other thing that could happen - if they agree to an "open relationship" and he starts having sex with the other women - is that he decides he'd rather be in a relationship with one of them. It is easy to say now that he will just be "banging another chick" but real feelings can happen, those women might live closer to him, he might rather be their boyfriend. It's easier to think "oh, it's just sex" but they could catch feelings too. The other option I see happening is that OP says "no" to the open relationship, then the bf just goes off with those women behind her back. He doesn't have to tell her and she won't find out, given the distance. If he hasn't done it already, I think it will happen soon. Link to comment
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