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My journal to recovery. Hopefully!


Piaresssss
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Feeling down today, not really sure why.

 

I think im scared. Scared that i will lose this feeling i have for my ex.

 

I have no plans tonight. Ill probally just have a bath and play some la noir on the ps4.

 

Think i might have a cry. Get out the hurt and anger.

 

I do want her back but to do that i gotta let her go first.

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Feeling better today. Still missing her but thats not gonna go away instantly.

 

Going to dinner with dan and zac tonight, looking forward to that.

 

Dont have an urge to contact her at the moment and hope i stay strong.

 

If she messages me again though i dont know how im going to feel.

 

Ill only answer if its urgent.

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Had my job interview today. Think it went really well. I would love to work for apple it seems really cool.

 

Feeling alot better today. I heard soemthing about my ex that shocked me. She is normally a very considerate person. Does not want to upset anyone.

 

Well she was racist to someone. I heard this and thought wow you are not the person i thought you where. This ads some perspective to my life. Im making strides forward and she is if anything going backwards.

 

GO ME!!!!!

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What day am i on. I have kind of forgotten.

 

Anyway, made me own dinner tonight, big step forward for me. Nothing amazing, just a three egg omelette with cheese. Was really tasty.

 

Im pleased with my progress. Im moving into the want her back territory rather than the need her back.

 

Time will tell if im ready to talk to her. If or when she contacts me that sinking feeling needs to be gone.

 

If i am intrested in reconciliation at a later date im not sure howi would go about it. Probally just be myself. Im getting ahead of myself thats a long way off even if its on the cards at all.

 

Next week it will be three months since the split. Does not feel like that. Time is just wizzing by. As i type im feeling so confused as to what the future holds wish i knew but just gotta keep doing me and working on my flaws.

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Waking up today i feel kind of down. Mornings are always the worst.

 

I think i realised that tge relationship is dead. I have been deluding myself that we would get bsck together after our holiday but why would that make her want to be with me.

 

What made me realise this was last night. I thought she would message me about stone sour telling me she enjoyed it but no then it hit me. We have had no meaningful contact in three months.

 

Although i still love her very much i have to move on for my own well being. I think after my holiday im going to cut her from my lifr completely. I dont think ill ever be able to be friends with her, it would be to hard.

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Im in a funny mood tonight.

 

I keep flip floping from its over to Im becoming the man she fell in love with again so why can i not get her back.

 

Im gonna just see what happens in the future. Again im back to we will se what happens. Im just going round in circles. Ooo i am a card.

 

I have been reading a lot of stories about getting back together. I have come to reqlise it takes time. You have to go through some real change.

 

Nearly all of them had no contact but im unsure as to wether i should be the one to initiate contact with her or should i wait for her to contact me. Its such a confusing line to tread.

 

On another note, i cooked my own dinner again tonight. An omelette again and this one was better than last night. Im making progress.

 

I am starting to feel the growtg in myself. I am going to read my book again as i cant let my jealously creep back into my life. I want tk be a better person for me, not anyone else.

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Im in a funny mood tonight.

 

I keep flip floping from its over to Im becoming the man she fell in love with again so why can i not get her back.

 

Im gonna just see what happens in the future. Again im back to we will se what happens. Im just going round in circles. Ooo i am a card.

 

I have been reading a lot of stories about getting back together. I have come to reqlise it takes time. You have to go through some real change.

 

Nearly all of them had no contact but im unsure as to wether i should be the one to initiate contact with her or should i wait for her to contact me. Its such a confusing line to tread.

 

On another note, i cooked my own dinner again tonight. An omelette again and this one was better than last night. Im making progress.

 

I am starting to feel the growtg in myself. I am going to read my book again as i cant let my jealously creep back into my life. I want tk be a better person for me, not anyone else.

 

Just wanted to say hi and I read your posts here. I miss mine too and had a hard couple of days , feel better today.

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Just wanted to say hi and I read your posts here. I miss mine too and had a hard couple of days , feel better today.

 

Hi Jan, first thank you for your kind words. This is a time when one needs positivity in ones life. I am feeling better today. I hope you feel better too and you get the outcomenyou want.

 

Anyway, so today i woke up and my personal training has been cancelled because my trainer is sick. No problem though im just gonna hit the gym on my own to feel better.

 

I have no plans for tonight however so am gonna try and get some plans together. Maybe swimming, my tattoo should be healed enough. I need to go gym so i can work on my pull ups.

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The day has been filled with wonder and beauty. Just kidding, has been really dull if anything. On the bus to the gym, gonna work hard.

 

Im hoping tomorrow is more interseting. One good thing did happen today. One of my exs friends who i never got along with came into where i work.

 

I was so cool and calm. I asked how she was, made a joke and even gave her discount. Not only can that help me in the eyes of my exs friend and maybe my ex but i felt great for letting the anger go.

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There may be a supervisor position opening up where i work so i might try and go for that if it does.

 

Feeling down today, mainly because i didnt get the job. I wanted to make some progress in ny life. I am still looking but i dont really know how to or where to look for a job.

 

I have a masters in digital culture and society and right now im wasting it.

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Im feeling down today. Missing her. Had a really good day yesterday but today is just meh.

 

Going to see the new jumanji tonight with some mates so looking forawrd to that. I was reading some of superdaves posts. He said talked about being you and he is so right. I gotta be me again.

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I really enjoyed jumanji. Not a deep film but one i could just sit down and let time go by.

 

I was chatting to my friend about my ex and his advice was just keep doing me and i cant disagree with him.

 

Worrying about what she is up too is gonna do me any good so im going to just keep me as priority one. Keep moving forward.

 

It is hard loving someone who does not love you back.

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Soooooo here i am again.

 

I feel sad. Not because i miss my ex, i still do, but i was flirting with a lady today and it made me feel guilty. I know i shouldn't but i still love and miss my ex so i felt bad.

 

I have to get out of this mental rut im in. I think once i get over it ill let her fully go. Once that happens if i decide i want her back but do not need her i can begin reatraction.

 

Im going out tonight, i dont want to but am making myself. Im going to a thing called panic room . Hope i enjoy it.

 

 

To sum up i guess im on 14 days nc but still missing her. Wish i knew what was going on with her. But as superdave says you cant do anything about things you cant control.

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Hey Piaresssss,

 

Well done on the 14 days buddy. Proud of you, keep it up

 

Let her think about what you are up to, rather than the other way around.. Go out and try and enjoy yourself as much as you can.

 

I know what you mean about feeling guilty.. it's crazy isn't it. Just remember that these thoughts are completely normal.

 

You are grieving a loss and this is natural progress.

 

Keep your head up mate.

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Hey Piaresssss,

 

Well done on the 14 days buddy. Proud of you, keep it up

 

Let her think about what you are up to, rather than the other way around.. Go out and try and enjoy yourself as much as you can.

 

I know what you mean about feeling guilty.. it's crazy isn't it. Just remember that these thoughts are completely normal.

 

You are grieving a loss and this is natural progress.

 

Keep your head up mate.

 

Thanks Sputnik. I actually had a really good night. Well my friend was 45 mins late but other than that had fun.

 

I didnt think about my ex one bit and i enjoyed myself so much.

 

It was so nice to have a clear head for the first time in 3 months.

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Im feeling good today. Im having a lazy day sitting around and playing with the dog. Playing fetch with her is impossible, once she gets the ball there is no getting it back.

 

Just chilling on the sofa with my fluffy jumper while it snows outside and am just thinking about me.

 

Am i still growing as a person. I do not want to stagnate. I want to keep developing myself and improving me.

 

I should read y book again. See if i can gain any more insight into where i need to maje corrections in my life.

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Just had a set back. My mum was doing stuff in my room while i was out. I came back to find a card on the bed. Opened it and it was an old birthday card from my ex telling me how much she loved me and wanted to spend all my birthdays with me.

 

I broke down and started to cry. All the feelings of missing her and wanting her have come flooding back. I really want to talk to her now luckily i cant.

 

It is going to be so hard getting over her when i love her so much. It is going to be sad when she is not in my life anymore. After april when we come back from the holiday i think im going to tell her i cannot be her friend and she will ot see me again.

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The card has really messed with my head. Now im questioning everything that i am doing.

 

Time for some self honesty. In doing nc with the intent to get her back and i know i should not be doing this.

 

I do not know what the future holds but should try to think we are never goinh to be together again.

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Just got a message from my ex. It was nothing important. She said "Hi just found your timberlands in my cupboard"

 

I didnt get thebgut feeling in my stomach as bad as the other day but it was still there. My friend said he thinks she wantsbto talk to me and i said to him if she wants to talk she can say it outright. None of this breadcrumb rubbish

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Glad you see it as breadcrumbs. That's what it is. That is ALL it is.

 

Most likely she is missing you some and wants to make herself feel better that you are still "there".

 

Don't give in to it. There is nothing for you to gain from it.

 

Stay strong and keep moving forward. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. The healing process is not linear. There will be set backs and difficult days but keep positive and keep the focus on yourself.

 

You will find that you are better and better and one day you will reach the point of indifference. That should be your goal and you will get there.

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Glad you see it as breadcrumbs. That's what it is. That is ALL it is.

 

Most likely she is missing you some and wants to make herself feel better that you are still "there".

 

Don't give in to it. There is nothing for you to gain from it.

 

Stay strong and keep moving forward. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. The healing process is not linear. There will be set backs and difficult days but keep positive and keep the focus on yourself.

 

You will find that you are better and better and one day you will reach the point of indifference. That should be your goal and you will get there.

 

That part about missing me made me chuckle. Last time i saw her she made a point of saying she didn't miss me at all.

 

One thing, i really want those boots back. I look really good in them.

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When i first statred coming to this forum about a month or two ago i didnt think it was going to become such an important part of my healing as it has become.

 

It has opened my eyes to so many things. There are no quick fixes, no magical spells that can repair a broken heart.

 

I came here with the express intent of winning my ex back and thatvwas the wrong mindset. I do not want my old relationship back. I want to be a better person, a better me. If i get back with my ex it will be because i have grown and am ready for it, not because i am lonley.

 

Im going to continue with my nc and see where life takes me. I hope it is exciting.

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She may have made it clear that she didn't miss you when you spoke last but just as your moods change and you go through this process, so do hers.

 

She may miss you from time to time, hence the bread crumbs. It doesn't mean she wants you back. She just wants to get a quick fix and continue on. It's typical.

 

But you have to see it for what it is. Even if she out right expresses she misses you it doesn't matter. It's not enough.

 

Keep on your path. You're doing well. Time really does heal.

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