Dating a single mom

[Batya33]

"Steady adults. There's Grandma. And Mom's best friend...who has always been around. No consistent male presence. I wonder how much that plays into it..."

 

OK -Grandma I can see -(or grandparents, generally) - but I wouldn't count best friend as a steady adult on the level of a parental role - sure she's steady and awesome of her to be there for your girlfriend and her daughter -but she is not family or a parent figure and of course she has her own life and as much as she has a big heart and genuine intentions she of course will put her family and people first when push comes to shove. It takes a village but to me a child also needs immediate family or people who take on that immediate family role -at the core. JMHO! I don't even know it has to be a consistent male presence - obviously certain children have two moms (or two dads) and do just fine.

 

If you don't see yourself being married to her mother and accepting the whole package - even if you're not dad you're her mother's husband - then please bow out soon. My son was a great sleeper from age 10 weeks till almost 7 years old and then for almost a year, up a number of times a week, "scared" or "tummy hurts" (not a lie, but not totally true) - until that phase passed. Why? Because he's intelligent, he tends toward the high strung and being 6 and 7 years old is hard no matter what! It was hard for me, too. Add to that that even the most articulate and emotionally insightful child can't really express in words her emotions all the time enough to be understood (and even adults have a hard time with that but imagine a child?). When my child goes to after school once a week or when my husband goes on one of his business trips he might miss us some but I know he feels secure that we're coming back and that we want to come back. It's crucial and it's key that he knows he is safe and secure with us - and not in an abstract way -in a nitty gritty minutae kind of way -in that way that when a child tests his independence almost with a smirk and less than 60 seconds later looks back over his shoulder to make sure his parent is still there.

 

I could go on and on. If you think she's "needy" in a negative way (and I don't care if others do) then I don't think you're a good match for her right now. Sure, if you told me she had a diagnosis of anxiety at a level where she needed to be medicated well then ok -she'd be "needy" -atypically so. It's like when people refer to a 2 year old as "spoiled" because she wants mom to hold her a lot. And mom does.

 

It's really ok if you don't get it. It's really ok if you don't see yourself being a parental figure to a child who is not yours, who already has a biological father. No judgment here -it's not for everyone and parenting in general is not for everyone -doesn't make you a better or worse person -it just "is". But you're the adult so figure that out and if you're not a good fit put the child's interests first. Thank you.

[90_hour_sleep]

How is she testing boundaries with other people?

 

I've not been a single mother in the dating world, but I agree with others that testing boundaries at this age is rather normal developmentally. I believe it's a developmental stage where their world becomes bigger, they head out into the world a bit more, a bit more independence. Testing boundaries comes with exploring that bigger world. Add to that, the world is testing her old boundaries by the change in her father's involvement, and by you entering that world. It might be a confusing time for her.

 

I feel for you all, navigating this territory. Thinking of the daughter, I can't imagine being six and being sent away for a whole month to stay with a man I hardly know. Twice. It may be a perfectly fine situation for her, but inwardly there might adjustment that takes time to process both during and after. I have a couple friends, older than me, who were sent away from home for a time when they were young because of family situations (sick mother both times, I think), and it had a lasting affect on them, a sense of loss or rejection or abandonment. While it is done for the best of reasons, it isn't necessarily an easy adjustment for anyone. And you might be getting hit by some of the fallout.

 

That said, I have seen a successful situation with a friend (single mom, 2 young kids) finding a partner (no kids); they eventually married and raised the two children together into adulthood. In her case the father was close by and very involved, and she had family relatively close who played an active part. When distance is added for you and her family members, it sounds more complicated.

 

Patience. I think it takes loads of patience. (I know it takes that even when not single or dating.)

 

She's pretty aggressive at times with people that take time from her Mom. Even long-time friends...people that have already formed a relationship with her. People that have ''always'' been there.

 

I think you're probably right. Confusing times. And the behaviour is a reflection of that.

 

I wonder if she feels like she was sent away to live with her Dad. I didn't get that impression. Was my understanding that she had a voice in the matter...and she wanted to go. I don't have all the info though...

 

Thanks JN...

[90_hour_sleep]

"Steady adults. There's Grandma. And Mom's best friend...who has always been around. No consistent male presence. I wonder how much that plays into it..."

 

OK -Grandma I can see -(or grandparents, generally) - but I wouldn't count best friend as a steady adult on the level of a parental role - sure she's steady and awesome of her to be there for your girlfriend and her daughter -but she is not family or a parent figure and of course she has her own life and as much as she has a big heart and genuine intentions she of course will put her family and people first when push comes to shove. It takes a village but to me a child also needs immediate family or people who take on that immediate family role -at the core. JMHO! I don't even know it has to be a consistent male presence - obviously certain children have two moms (or two dads) and do just fine.

 

If you don't see yourself being married to her mother and accepting the whole package - even if you're not dad you're her mother's husband - then please bow out soon. My son was a great sleeper from age 10 weeks till almost 7 years old and then for almost a year, up a number of times a week, "scared" or "tummy hurts" (not a lie, but not totally true) - until that phase passed. Why? Because he's intelligent, he tends toward the high strung and being 6 and 7 years old is hard no matter what! It was hard for me, too. Add to that that even the most articulate and emotionally insightful child can't really express in words her emotions all the time enough to be understood (and even adults have a hard time with that but imagine a child?). When my child goes to after school once a week or when my husband goes on one of his business trips he might miss us some but I know he feels secure that we're coming back and that we want to come back. It's crucial and it's key that he knows he is safe and secure with us - and not in an abstract way -in a nitty gritty minutae kind of way -in that way that when a child tests his independence almost with a smirk and less than 60 seconds later looks back over his shoulder to make sure his parent is still there.

 

I could go on and on. If you think she's "needy" in a negative way (and I don't care if others do) then I don't think you're a good match for her right now. Sure, if you told me she had a diagnosis of anxiety at a level where she needed to be medicated well then ok -she'd be "needy" -atypically so. It's like when people refer to a 2 year old as "spoiled" because she wants mom to hold her a lot. And mom does.

 

It's really ok if you don't get it. It's really ok if you don't see yourself being a parental figure to a child who is not yours, who already has a biological father. No judgment here -it's not for everyone and parenting in general is not for everyone -doesn't make you a better or worse person -it just "is". But you're the adult so figure that out and if you're not a good fit put the child's interests first. Thank you.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Batya33]

She's pretty aggressive at times with people that take time from her Mom. Even long-time friends...people that have already formed a relationship with her. People that have ''always'' been there.

 

I think you're probably right. Confusing times. And the behaviour is a reflection of that.

 

I wonder if she feels like she was sent away to live with her Dad. I didn't get that impression. Was my understanding that she had a voice in the matter...and she wanted to go. I don't have all the info though...

 

Thanks JN...

 

Who knows what she feels like. I can only imagine. Certainly she should not be rude to people and polite behavior should be reinforced but at the same time given the circumstances I can relate to her reactions. A 6 year old can't have a true voice "in the matter" of whether to go live with Dad - many 6 year olds have deep regrets over choosing cheerios over honey nut cheerios for breakfast and will express that in one way or another. She just recently learned about time and timing and how long an hour feels or five minutes. Certainly a 6 year old who is reasonably articulate can tell you whether a grown up hurt her physically or maybe even hurt her feelings or how she feels physically -even that can be really challenging.

[90_hour_sleep]

Who knows what she feels like. I can only imagine. Certainly she should not be rude to people and polite behavior should be reinforced but at the same time given the circumstances I can relate to her reactions. A 6 year old can't have a true voice "in the matter" of whether to go live with Dad - many 6 year olds have deep regrets over choosing cheerios over honey nut cheerios for breakfast and will express that in one way or another. She just recently learned about time and timing and how long an hour feels or five minutes. Certainly a 6 year old who is reasonably articulate can tell you whether a grown up hurt her physically or maybe even hurt her feelings or how she feels physically -even that can be really challenging.

 

You're right. She's the only what that knows what she feels. The rest of us can only imagine.

[Batya33]

You're right. She's the only what that knows what she feels. The rest of us can only imagine.

 

Well, no, I had a different point. Perhaps a professional can work with her to express her feelings. In many of your comments you seem not to be taking into account her age or her circumstances and are making conclusions that give the impression that you are not that familiar with this child or young children generally (which is fine -you're not the parent, you're not a parent where maybe you would want to gain that knowledge/insight and you're just dating her mother for now).