abitbroken Posted November 27, 2017 Share Posted November 27, 2017 The kids didn't want to leave home so I'm glad that I didn't act on my whim. So - you involved the kids in 'taking a break from your husband"? If you wanted to take a "break" that means you going somewhere - not dragging the whole family into this. I am glad you decided to stay home. i agree with your husband that you need to stay away from the scene of the crime. people who work in offices and have work affairs tend to change departments or find a new job as a step to getting their spouse back and get away from the temptation. I don't think cheating is a marraige symptom, its a character sympton. If you are a woman if independent means, it should make the marriage that much stronger having two strong spouses vs the view of not "needing" as a reason to wander. Yes, men and women still want/need eachother or whatever you call it in a relationship even if they don't need the financial support. Link to comment
Lester Posted November 28, 2017 Share Posted November 28, 2017 "This may actually have been good for us in a twisted way." It can lead to a better-then-ever marriage. For that to happen, you must be fearless and demand the marriage you both deserve. School: "I hate him because he doesn't miss me." - He's thrill/sex driven. The concept of emotional love or hate is completely alien to him. You're only a temporary trophy/lust object. Like a car. Once he has it, he immediately becomes bored with it. A new search/conquest begins. (He already has a another cheat lined up. I guarantee it!) Sorry! Link to comment
suzanna80 Posted November 29, 2017 Author Share Posted November 29, 2017 Leaving my children and character flaws out of this (as these are things that I am working on...), I'm still trying to get a grip and feel better. Yes, I'm functioning and getting by and I think that I am doing fairly well considering, like someone pointed out, it was indeed a lucky escape and you the rest of this is worth reading. My husband did ask me earlier today if I had talked to him and at least I could answer with an honest "no". My husband said he only asked because he saw him going down the road. The sound of his name made my heart sink and after an almost 48 hours of not crying, it just started to flow. So, that's when I just decided to go ahead and let the honesty spew with it. Boy, do I feel better. Or worse. I'm not sure which yet. Now, whether or not I'm still married I do not know. But I couldn't live with it any longer. It was killing me. I could no longer suffer with the guilt of my betrayal and I cant suffer with the guilt of being so torn up about this still. I'm physically ill. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. It was time. It was past time. So, what I told my husband was that he was right. About all of it, I think. That Bruce (name of my first and most loved dog, no pun intended) and I were more than "friends", that I did think and still may think I love him, that I am stupid, that I am a liar and I need help. Lots of it. I told him that I am willing to work through this, and if we can work through it then I can only beg for his forgiveness from now and for forever that even if he didn't want to be with me anymore, that I only hope he can forgive me. I told him that I hope that he was right about Bruce being that type of person , and I told him that I also hope that he was wrong. The more I talked, the less I cried. I told him I was just in a dark place. My husband hugged me. He hugged me. And for the first time in a long time, I felt how much he loved me. And then he walked out. If I survive this, any of it, then you guys will have to help me write a book on it. I do know that if he comes back, then we will be okay. I'm just now preparing myself for what is or may come. My husband has a bad temper, but he is usually rational. I have a feeling he may be confronting Bruce now! This is so bad. I did not want to play the roll of a woman scorned and I did not tell my husband in hopes that he confronts Bruce. UPDATE: Before I could send this earlier, more happened. My husband did confront Bruce and Bruce admitted to everything, including his feelings for me. He said that he, however, loved his wife and asked if he could at least have the chance to tell her before anything irrational came out of it. My husband told him not to bother telling her, that it would only hurt her and did not want that for her since he was hurting enough for all of them. Bruce told him that no, he wanted to tell her and then he said ..ready LESTER...that she would not be surprised. That she she accuseds him of it all of the time, and that he got tired of it. So, I'm the lucky one that he chose.... Link to comment
boltnrun Posted November 29, 2017 Share Posted November 29, 2017 Well, you're ONE of the ones he chose. If his wife had doubts about him it's obviously not the first time. I believe you did the right thing telling your husband. You cannot heal a marriage if it's based on lies and evasions. Of course you must stay away from Bruce and never communicate with him again. I hope your marriage can be repaired. Link to comment
Lester Posted November 30, 2017 Share Posted November 30, 2017 He was no stranger to you and your family? If so, how long has this really been going on with you? Link to comment
suzanna80 Posted December 1, 2017 Author Share Posted December 1, 2017 ...So, being in a dark place in an understatement. Lester, per your last post, I'm not fully sure what you mean - but those of you that are patient enough to keep reading this and helping me understand where I'm at (again, this is of utmost importance since you cant exactly confide in a friend, though I'm considering it. Would that be a mistake??)...Bruce and I have only known each other for about a year, half of which that time was with casually interacting for business purposes only and was strictly professional. So, 6 months of that was sporadic...maybe once a week, sometimes once a month, until he had a big job coming up in which our relationship took a turn from strictly work related to what it became. He had valid reason to be around so much. Again, I admit I was attracted to him the first time I saw him but I never let on. I didn't. Than again, we aren't always aware of the signals we give off, are we? Looking back, I don't think he really noticed me in any other way...but I don't know. So, stranger to my family may be a strong way to put it...and as far has long this had going on with me...I guess it was immediate. I immediately wondered what it would be like to kiss him. I've worked around men my entire life and I had to learn at a young age how to handle to myself around them and I've been around attractive, funny, smart men and never once felt a tinge of anything like I did for Bruce. I'm still not entirely sure why, as its confusing. I didn't sit around and dote on it too much as Im a very, very busy person and that time of year work piled up. So, to avoid the shame of all the things I should have done differently, I didn't so no need to beat a dead horse on how wrong I am and why I would do this to my family because I don't care what people may say...I did not choose for this to happen. As much agony as this is causing me, I'm still so messed up in thinking he was worth it. I'm past the point of being physically ill and emotionally drained and telling my husband provided temporary relief so at least he knows my feelings, what I did and if he chooses to work this out then I owe it to him, myself and our children to make it work. As far as what happened in the confrontation, I know that it shook Bruce to his core and scared him. I do not know what the deal is with him and his wife, but to be in the public eye here a little bit I would think that someone, anyone would have said something at some point about "Well, you know Bruce who owns so and so..well, he is a dog and he and his wife...blah blah". But nothing. In a county that runs on gossip, I've never heard a negative word about either of them. Actually, quite the opposite of "oh, how wonderful they are..." Bruce is a beautiful man. Like so many other men, he is only going to get more attractive as he gets older. I know I'm not the only person that melts seeing him, and if I had to guess his wife resents that. She is very attractive herself, but also very heavy set and I know how this plays on a woman's confidence. I'm thinking maybe her accusations are that of feeling insecure, and maybe he has given her reason to feel that way. He never once talked badly about her. It was easy for me to pretend like she didn't exist. In truth, I know nothing about them except that she doesn't work but stays busy with their church and fundraisers. I also think she is one that thinks she is better than most people around here, likes to be flashy with her clothes and car and plans events to make herself look better...I don't get the feeling her work is sincere and it is just a gut feeling I have. It's almost like she tries too hard, yet I seriously doubt she would ever do something kind for someone else if it weren't being published on social media or in the paper. I also know that she went to an expensive college and did not finish after their first daughter was born, so she is a great bit younger than I thought. They run in crowds. Big crowds. Like, the go out to dinner all of the time and it is always with 35 of the best friends. My husband and I are not like that. We are very private people and, again, we have no close friends to speak of. I think their marriage is an act....which brings me back to maybe why he may have been looking for something else. I don't know it doesn't matter. So, let me get to my point..if I even have one. I did the worst thing yet and contacted Bruce via text. The "conversation" went like this: basically, I told him how sad I've been and that I missed him. That I knew I had to let him go, but I loved him. He told me that I have so much to be happy about, and wanted to talk "later". I told him that I didn't want to talk, that it would make things worse. I was sobbing the whole time texting him. I told him that he ripped my heart out, and that I was sorry any of this happened that I just wanted some sort of closure because I felt thrown under the bus and abandoned, with only my family at stake. Instead of saying, something "yeah, it was fun for awhile but go away"... He told me he missed me, that I would see him in the spring when his next project comes up. That. was. it. I feel like an idiot. A sobbing idiot. Why in the hell can men not just say what they are thinking or feeling? Or was that just an obvious blow off and I'm too stupid to get it? Why is he treading lightly one way or another? I don't think its to spare my feeling because lets face it, he doesn't much care that I've suffered. This was as bad as "sorry, busy" text. So, I've set myself back on my already poor progress. As far as my husband, he's at least letting me work things out and I'm going to fix it. I want to fix it. I want Bruce to get out of my head and heart but I think of him when I'm feeling happy, I think of him when I'm sad. Link to comment
Lester Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 "Why in the hell can men not just say what they are thinking or feeling?" Fair enough, men are like that, so I'll say it for him: ---------- I just want to have sex, especially forbidden sex. Forbidden sex is the main reason I do what I do. It's an intoxicating thrill! When I've had MY fill, I want you to quietly go away. I certainly don't want you screwing up my marriage because that would financially crush me. My wife may not be perfect, but she's been improving and losing weight! I think I falling back in love with her! Now just go away. ---------- It not about his wife, him or all his lies. It's about you and your husband getting a new, better then ever marriage. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 Did you tell your husband you contacted Bruce and told him you love him? Why are you trying to get the affair going again (yes, you are!)? PS: HE may not say mean things about his wife, but you sure do. I get it, you're jealous of her, but that doesn't make her evil just because you want her husband for yourself. Link to comment
suzanna80 Posted December 1, 2017 Author Share Posted December 1, 2017 ....because the feeling of being rejected after I willingly sacrificed so much has made me mean and jealous and I hate myself. I don't think she is evil, I was just making observations as to why maybe he didn't care enough about her a month or so ago and why I had such little respect for my husband and much less myself. I'm a broken shell of the person I was this time last year. Yet no one ask me how I am... You know why? Because I put a smile on my face and suffer silently. My new plight in life. Suffer and smile. So, I need to get back to the version of me that I like and everyone else did, too. Pre-Bruce. I wonder if it is possible? It is inevitable that I will see Bruce again in the future and when I do, I want to be the best version of me again and he can never know how much he has screwed me up. I want to heal my marriage, I want to heal me. I don't want this affair to start again, I never wanted it to begin with. I just didn't want it to end like this. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 Maybe right now you can't control your feelings, but please get a handle on your actions. Now you have one more thing you need to confess to your husband...that you contacted Bruce and told him you love him. And that you made an attempt to re-start the affair. If you think doing those things will make everything better, I can tell you they will only make everything worse. Link to comment
Lester Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 ALL of your actions/reactions and feelings have been symptoms of the disease of infidelity. Predictable and normal. (Albeit, normal and predictable for infidelity) The hard work still lies ahead. You must discover and fix what made you contract it in the first place. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted December 1, 2017 Share Posted December 1, 2017 I want to heal my marriage, I want to heal me. I don't want this affair to start again, . At the risk of becoming a pain in the butt, I have mentioned this several times before: Have you ever considered marriage counselling? Or just counselling for yourself to help you with all of this mess? If not, WHY not? Link to comment
chitown9 Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 I just want to add one thing, Suzanna. Do not confide in a friend. It might feel good to do so at first, but then you will be worried that the story will get out. You don't need that. chi Link to comment
suzanna80 Posted December 2, 2017 Author Share Posted December 2, 2017 I did decide confiding in a friend was not a idea and thank you for confirming that would not have played out well. As far as therapy, I admit that I need it for myself but that is very difficult to do here as everyone knows each other and I would have to literally drive at least an hour or two and that is not feasible for me at this time. I did tell my husband what I did and I let him read the text. Of course, he is upset but he seriously is more concerned that I am just simply crazy and he still thinks all of it is Bruce's fault. He is so hurt and angry but he's also being patient and forgiving IMO. He thinks I am truly the victim, and I don't know how to respond to that. So, there isn't anything that my husband doesn't know about and I'm going to keep it that way. It has made me feel better, but my body is not physically responding well to this stress. I woke up this morning feeling very sick, which I never, ever do and I am actually at home packing for a nice little hospital stay. Maybe they can get me some help, but right now I'm worried about my children since they are upset that I have to go in at least overnight (dehydration, exhaustion and pneumonia). So, I've got to get myself physically better better so I can concentrate on Christmas and healing from this order. I wish that anyone going through this or those that even THINK they may be in this situation could see me right now compared to a few months ago...and then they can decide if "love" is worth it.... I have to say though, my husband has been classy and told my parents that I've just not been feeling well and they know nothing of the details which I appreciate because they would be so sad for me and my family. The problem is that it leads to more likes. I have a younger sister that I'm very close to and she knows something is bad wrong and it kills me not to tell her the truth. She would understand, but I come from a strict Catholic family and this would be beyond comprehension in some ways. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted December 2, 2017 Share Posted December 2, 2017 Don't be so hard on yourself Susanna. The days of the Scarlet Letter are long over. Link to comment
suzanna80 Posted December 4, 2017 Author Share Posted December 4, 2017 I realized that real grief does not come with anger and resentment, nor is love so unkind so I guess I'm happy to say that I'm not really grieving nor am I in love. After a long weekend of solid rest, IV fluid and a couple of Hallmark movies, I think that it is quite possible that I have been chemically imbalanced. I AM feeling better and I'm surprised at how much better. I know that I have a lot to work through and i'm being patient with my husband as he asks me questions. I'm answering all of them as honestly as I can but sometimes, I don't have the answer. I have the feeling that my husband may be more concerned with the physical side of things and much less the emotional...which, for me, is the more dangerous of the two. Its more upsetting seeing him suffer through this and I hate that I hurt him. He didn't deserve this, any of it...and I tried to actually justify my feelings and actions. Though I'm still very sad at the loss of someone I truly care about, I hate that I messed up what MAYBE could have been a healthy friendship ..if Bruce truly isn't that kind of person. Right now, I don't what to do think. If I am not his first or his last, I would think that rumors would have surfaced at some point. As far as I can tell, his wife does not know anything so I guess he decided not to tell her after all. I'm only speculating based on that they attended a Christmas party over the weekend in which one of my employees was present and he made the comment that Bruce did not speak to him and he asked me if he had upset him somehow. Funny how this snowballs, isn't it? There may no longer be a scarlet "A", but I feel like its there and I didn't even get sex out of it (that was a JOKE...see , I'm making jokes). I haven't had any more contact but I can't say that I don't still look for him going down the road. I hate feeling like a forgotten object and not a person with feelings and it still makes me sad, but not AS sad. I'm starting not to see him in the same light. Yes, he consumes many of my thoughts..but not as many and I agreed to tell my husband anytime I felt weak or thought I felt sad about this. Its hard on me feeling like the victim because, again, my husband does think I'm this fragile flower in a world of hungry goats that has no sense of danger.... It feel good not having to delete phone calls or messages. It feels good not sneaking around. So, my hangup is still that I wonder if he has wasted even a single moment of his time wondering about me as I go through all of this... Link to comment
chitown9 Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 Frankly, I feel that any moment he thinks of you is in the context of, "Is this going to come to light and cause me consequences?" The thrill of whatever it was that the two of you had is now gone, and he is left with protecting his bubble of existence. Something must have been missing in your marriage for you to venture outside of the marriage. The important thing is that you and your husband repair whatever that is and rectify it. chi Link to comment
Lester Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 " I have the feeling that my husband may be more concerned with the physical side of things and much less the emotional.." - Millions of wives, just like you, were pondering the same questions when the doorbell rang. (Served) Suzanne, trust me when I say, you have no idea what your husband is thinking. Without a NEW understanding of what happened and how both of you got there, nothing has changed. Your marriage is still in grave danger. Link to comment
suzanna80 Posted December 6, 2017 Author Share Posted December 6, 2017 Well, to shed light as we work through this I did find out something sad (or a mixed blessing) with Bruce in that his wife was a few months pregnant and that he was expected to marry her. My husband actually knew this or had heard it before so he felt the need to share with me. I know that this isn't the 1950's, but it does shed some light on that maybe he never really has been happy or, if he is/was, that it may not have been under the ideal circumstances. As far as my husband and I, I feel like we can work through this but I wasn't really understanding what you all were saying in that there is a deeper rooted issue with me and/or our marriage for me to get to that place of infidelity. I wish I knew where or how to pinpoint it exactly, but I do think it does start with that I'm on eggshells not to provoke a temper flare up and like I said, my husband is very selfish with me and my time. I have no time to even talk to my mom or he gets annoyed. He is controlling but no, it was not an excuse to cheat. Chi, your words hurt but I know you are right. I won't infringe on that bubble but it is a happy bubble of lies. So, my husband and I have found a councilor and we go today. Thankfully, he doesn't mind the two hour drive once a week so I'm hoping it goes well. I don't have a cell phone or a car to drive right now so though this may seem horribly absurd, I agreed to it to if it makes him feel better and I think even before this it is what he wanted so maybe this is something we can address today. I only have my computer because he access to all of my emails and social media accounts so, whatever. I will let you know how it goes. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted December 6, 2017 Share Posted December 6, 2017 Maybe you can talk to the counselor about your husband's controlling behavior when you go to speak to him/her. I am sorry that my words stung you. I just don't see him spending any lingering thought of fondness for you. He had a close call with your husband, after all. I think he is in the protective, defensive mode right now. I think that it is great that you are both going to counseling and thank you for giving an update. We all are here to help, even if we don't quite hit the mark or are too blunt in our response, we all really wish the best for you. :star: chi Link to comment
Lester Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 "...but I do think it does start with that I'm on eggshells not to provoke a temper flare up and like I said, my husband is very selfish with me and my time. I have no time to even talk to my mom or he gets annoyed. He is controlling but no, it was not an excuse to cheat." - This is it! ^^^ FEAR And while it may not be an excuse to cheat, it's what drives countless numbers of wives to cheat. Until you're willing to face and fix this, your marriage is doomed.* This is the time to challenge him, this is the time to start getting the marriage you deserve. * There are millions of wives who choose to live this way, but what they have is not a genuine marriage, instead just husk of a marriage. Link to comment
suzanna80 Posted December 13, 2017 Author Share Posted December 13, 2017 As I continue to work through this emotions, I am at the very least learning a lot about myself. I didn't initially find the counseling helpful; however, once I got past the "There is no reason for me to be here..." stance, I found the few sessions helpful and not as judgmental as maybe I did at first. So, to pass along what I have learned is that there is no way anyone can help me until I fully CHOOSE to "shut the door, lock it, throw away the key and never walk past the door again but if I find myself at the door, not to even think of knocking and if I do think of knocking, to call for help..." I was also told to think of myself as a fish in a safe pond, with lost of other fish...and after being in a pond doing the same little thing over and over that if I shiny, fishing lure appears with something yummy and different on it..I will be tempted as a little fish to take a nibble and that the LURE may not be there today, tomorrow, next week...but there will be a lure and it is going to see if this little fish is biting...but if the me fish isn't biting, then another one may...but, eventually the person throwing the lure will find another hole to fish in. So, I did a lot of eye rolling but then I went home and thought about it. I'm still on two weeks of no contact...but I still have to suffer with seeing Bruce's trucks around. I have had better days focusing on my family, then I have a total melt down. The good thing is, the counselor told my husband that what I am experience IS INDEED grief, and if we want this to work then he will have to help me through it and I can't heal until I let go. What they talk about alone, I don't know. Whatever it is, it is helping him and maybe it will help us. I still feel suffocated, lonely and sad. I miss him more than I can almost bear at times. I so wish I could take it all back just to have him in my life as just a friend and nothing more, but apparently that cannot happen. I also do finally (almost) accept that this was more sex driven for Bruce than I was willing to admit a few weeks ago. I get it, but it doesn't make it easier. So, I cannot fully be helped nor can my marriage until I am willing to lock the forbidden door. It is closed, it is locked...I have the key deep in my pocket but I for the life of me cannot throw it out just yet. Another thing that is helping is that my husband brings it up once a day, and we only talk about it for 10 minutes. At the end of the 10 minutes, we don't bring it up again. So, the 10 minutes has consistently gotten less about Bruce and more about us. I do love "us" but not the way that I should or how he deserves. If this had to happen... character flaws, being able to choose to cheat or not...why in the hell could my heart just not take the damage for the fling it was and move on? No amount of help can cure this feeling of love and loss but, apparently, it will because "romanticizing the situation that never really was or should have been is part of the grief". Gee whiz. Link to comment
willdation Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 We all are capable of developing feelings for other people, even when in a committed relationship, but this does not justify cheating... I had a similar situation where this super intelligent, amazing, drop-dead gorgeous woman approached me and tried to kiss me and wanted me to join her for a weekend trip. I had a girlfriend at the time, yet was definitely attracted to this woman. However, I knew it was wrong to pursue her and write her and contact her and took 100% responsibility for my actions and feelings and STOPPED it before anything could progress. Take a second and think how sad and broken-hearted your husband would feel when he realizes what you have been doing behind his back... It is harsh, but it is reality. I did this as well. I thought of how sad my girlfriend would be if I was to write this woman and go on a trip with her. I felt sorry for her husband knowing that they just got married 6 months ago and he would be devastated knowing his wife who he gives freedom to go and do as she pleases is not loyal (and now sleeping around with other guys from my work). After thinking about this, I KNEW I had to stop all communication with this woman, no matter how attractive she was and no matter how I felt. I avoided her and after a couple months I no longer think about her and I no longer have any feelings. You also lied to your husband when he confronted you. Smart guy..... Link to comment
Lester Posted December 14, 2017 Share Posted December 14, 2017 While it's good to get many different perspectives on you problem..., beware. Pay-to-Play counselors use hundreds of clever homework style tasks. These quick and easy to understand tricks of the trade make you sit up and think aha! Unfortunately (and maybe by design), they quickly lose there value within hours. (Just ask the alcoholic who been told not to drive by his favorite bar.) Suzann, knowing who the other man is and what he wants is enough for now. It should give you enough time to start making real, lifestyle changes at home. Choosing not to do so only prolongs the infidelity. With him, or some other same-type-guy. Link to comment
suzanna80 Posted December 15, 2017 Author Share Posted December 15, 2017 I don't know why I personally could not keep my integrity and stop it like you did. You did the right thing, as you know. I feel sorry for that woman as she is going to have a long road ahead of her. I can't wait for the point I don't think of him to come. It can't get here soon enough. As for lying to my husband, yes..I did. It haunts me every day and night and though he knows the truth now, regaining that trust is going to take a long time (if ever)... Link to comment
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