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Emotional infidelity, trying to let it go


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Hi all. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Boyfriend (we’ll name him K) and I (He’s 33 I’m 29) have been dating a year now. I’d say we started off not really all that conventional. We met 2 yrs ago on some random dating app which we proceeded on going on a few dates but that was it. I decided to pursue a relationship with my ex which that lasted 2 yrs but we broke up. After about 5-6 months K and I reconnected, went on a lot of dates and eventually decided to commit bf/gf only after dating about a month and a half. I’ve brought up that kind of commitment was too fast, seeing as it hadn’t been that long since my previous bf. Officially together in Nov, by January he told me he was in love with me. Fast forward to this recent October, K had been helping me out and living with me a couple months because my roommate was making her transition from out of state. During those 2 months I felt something was off, he was emotionally distant, would turn down my advances for sex, and it seemed that he was always on his phone, even when I perceived that it was a time where we could spend quality time together. I had enough and something in my gut was telling me something was right. While he was in the shower, I went through his phone and found texts to some girl from all the way back in January! She was sending pics of herself and he’d respond “You’re so hot... heart emojis. What else are you gonna show me” I was devastated reading that. I also found recent texts from October of a girl he claims is a “friend from work” where he asking her when she works next, telling her good morning and asking how her day was..... all while he is sleeping next to me at my apt.

 

I confronted him about it and he shut down. His excuse for the January texts is because I was still in contact with my ex (it was mutual break up and there were things I still had that were his so I needed to contact him about it) and because I didn’t love him as much as he loved me yet he felt that he was a rebound and that we were weren’t going to make it anyways. The October texts he claims she’s just a friend and that he’s worked with her over the years and they were just catching up. Is that normal for a platonic relationship of male and female for him to be saying good morning and asking how her day was? I just want to know if I’m crazy. Yes it was wrong of me to go through his phone but my gut suspicions were right. And it hurts so bad that he kept those Jan texts, he didn’t delete it until I found it. I just feel like I’ve been lied to for over 10 months. After all this came out too, he proceeded to tell me every little issue he had with our relationship. It was like he was bottling it all up and expected me to be a mind reader to fix or change what needed to be addressed.

 

We have decided to work on it and it seems as though this incident kind of “woke us” up. He cried on my leg for hours apologetically and said he would do anything to fix us. We have been better in communication but I feel that the trust is just not there anymore. The foundation that I thought we had is shattered. I woke up this morning thinking about all that stuff again and it’s just so hard to let go. I want to forgive him completely but how do I know when he starts to feel emotionally distant again he won’t do this again? I was completely blindsided as I thought everything was great in January and onward. Any insight on this would be greatly appreciated.

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I went through his phone and found texts to some girl from all the way back in January! She was sending pics of herself and he’d respond “You’re so hot... heart emojis. What else are you gonna show me” I was devastated reading that. I also found recent texts from October of a girl he claims is a “friend from work” where he asking her when she works next, telling her good morning and asking how her day was..... all while he is sleeping next to me at my apt.

To be clear, you have been together since Nov 2016 and the texts in question are in January? If so, then I guess there *was* infidelity but not since then.

Trust is something no relationship can survive without. I'd want to know why he strayed in January. What led to it and what would stop it happening again?

The later friendship sounds like it may just be a close friendship, but you are within your right to say you're uncomfortable with it. To ask to meet this friend, and if it remains an issue you can ask him to end it.

As the person who betrayed your trust, he needs to take the lead role in repairing it and addressing the hurt he caused. Without this level of accountability, I don't think you will ever get past it / trust him again

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I would not forgive this. You've just discovered that your boyfriend is a shady character.

 

He was cheating just months after making it official with you. That should be the honeymoon phase. Notice how he tried to excuse that away by essentially blaming you? You didn't love him as much he loved you, so he sexted with someone else? Horse manure. That right there would be grounds for me dumping him.

 

This female friend he texted in October - well, that may or may not be platonic. Given his track record, I would have a hard time believing he wasn't gearing up for something more.

 

I'm sorry girl, but I don't see how this "woke you up" other than to show you what this guy is really made of.

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Yes Nov 2016. Yes there WAS infidelity but not since then. He said he strayed because I was still in contact with my ex, I hurt him because I told him that I wasn’t in love with him as much as he was with me. He assured me that that happens but he made it seem like nothing was wrong with that. The later friendship, he said he will never talk to her again because of how upset it made me.

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Yes Nov 2016. Yes there WAS infidelity but not since then. He said he strayed because I was still in contact with my ex, I hurt him because I told him that I wasn’t in love with him as much as he was with me. He assured me that that happens but he made it seem like nothing was wrong with that. The later friendship, he said he will never talk to her again because of how upset it made me.

 

The fact that he is blaming you instead of taking responsibility for his own actions would really trouble me. That's his character trait and it will reach through various issues in life. I wouldn't consider him good life partner material.

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You guys moved way too fast -- living together before you really knew eachother.

 

I really am leery of the dramatic crocodile tears, though. If you are done with the time where the end of your roommate's lease was up, I'd live separately.

We only lived together for those 2 months. After all this came out it has been completely different for the better. But the trust thing just lingers in the back of my mind.

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  • 1 month later...

Fast forward to January, this issue is still on the back of my mind. I keep having dreams that we are breaking up. Premonition of the future? Ugh I wish the trust was never shattered, I was set on him. A future, marriage and kids and now I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. :(

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