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Does this guy like me?


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You're on the younger side for Fatal Attraction but it does start to sound like when the "mistress" that he slept with a few times starts imagining that he's actually in love with her and how connected they are. You're not "there" yet but your post was concerning in the path it was taking. It's really ok if someone is not interested in dating you and enjoys typing flirty texts to you. Many men will want to date you (and also flirt with you!). You don't need the silly ego stroking "it's because he's not over his ex" to move on. You're a strong career woman who's smart as you self-described -use those attributes/qualities to move on with pride - "I am enough, I am a good person and not everyone is going to want to date me and that's ok."

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Agree with Batya.

 

Many women often use excuses to justify why some guy they're into doesn't want to date them. They simply cannot wrap their brains around why said guy isn't falling all over them.

 

Their thought process is -- I'm so beautiful and wonderful it MUST be something else other than he's just not into me.

 

So they use excuses such as he's commitment phobe (that's a big one), his job keeps him too busy, still hung up on ex (like you're doing), anything to avoid facing the fact that he just doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

This isn't directed at you specifically, but frankly I think such women really need to get over themselves.

 

I am sure you are lovely, but that doesn't always translate into a man wanting us.

 

Love is intangible, we don't fall in love with "qualities," chemistry attraction, love runs much deeper than that; we fall in love with a person"s being, their essence so to speak.. Again, it's intangible. In my opinion anyway.

 

Personally, I think you may have an "avoidant" personality. You "say" you want a relationship/commitment, but your actions and patterns indicate otherwise.

 

No woman who actually wants a relationship/commitment would be hanging around in these dead end "friendships" like you do. No freakin way.

 

And what better way to "avoid" commitment than to continue chasing and pining away for a man who does NOT want one, at least not with you? Hell he doesn't even want to date you!

 

He's safe, emotionally, no chance of him "suffocating" you (your wording) because he doesn't want anything from you.

 

Perhaps it's subconscious, but I think it's something you should explore within yourself or with the help of a qualified therapist.

Edited by katrina1980
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I get that. I do think I am afraid so I do go after people who can't work out.

 

I was surprised. He texted me after work tomorrow. About something we had been talking about. I didn't answer. Last night he sent me something else, totally unrelated. I sent a one word basic nothing back. This morning he sends me something else, totally unrelated again and I haven't answered.

 

I feel bad not answering, because I feel like its getting clearer that I am avoiding him, but I know what I want, and being his strung along friend isn't it.

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I get that. I do think I am afraid so I do go after people who can't work out.

 

I was surprised. He texted me after work tomorrow. About something we had been talking about. I didn't answer. Last night he sent me something else, totally unrelated. I sent a one word basic nothing back. This morning he sends me something else, totally unrelated again and I haven't answered.

 

I feel bad not answering, because I feel like its getting clearer that I am avoiding him, but I know what I want, and being his strung along friend isn't it.

 

You're not being strung along. Please stop accusing him of things like that because it's not fair and it also will result in your being jaded and cynical about men for no reason at all. He's allowed to text you and you can choose whether to answer. I would write "that's interesting! so, just to let you know I have a lot going on right now at work and otherwise so I may not be responding anymore - have a good weekend!"

 

There is no surprise at all that he is continuing to text you. He likes texting with you. No analysis needed -it's basic and simple and it says nothing bad or good about him.

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I actually disagree. I think we know less about this than the responses are putting on. Is he interested in a serious relationship with her. From the sounds of it no. But I also don't text people I don't give two craps about, especially not daily, especially not all day. I think their friends. I think there probably is a spark and they flirt but I think it's much more serious to her than it is to him at this point, im basing this solely on what's written. The whole he doesn't care about you, he's a flake, well we're getting the story from the OPer from her lens and in her eyes he is failing her because she has placed bigger expectations on him. I don't think it's fair to say he doesn't value her or any of that. I value my friends, but if they viewed my actions on a dating level im sure I'd look like a flaky chick who doesn't care also.

 

There is a specific reason he is choosing not to date her, what that reason is who knows, hell it could be the ex, we literally do not know. So if it makes it easier to move on, whatever, believe that, the goal is moving on. The goal is figuring out what's attracting her to these situation.

 

I'm not gonna lie if I'm talking to a friend and telling her about a heartbreak situation and she's yelling at me HE DOESNT CARE ABOUT YOU, HES NOT EVEN YOUR FRIEND GET OVER YOURSELF' it's probably not gonna get through to me. I'm all for tough love but there's tough love and then there's ... poking. Why say 'he doesn't concider you a friend' we don't know that!

 

OPer there is a specific reason he is choosing not to date, could be his ex could something small like how you part your hair doesn't matter because at the end of the day it's completely out of your control. Him not choosing you is about him not you, it doesn't mean you aren't worthy of love, it doesn't mean you did something wrong. It's just means for whatever reason it didn't pan out. That's ok.

 

It's probably going to be beneficial to see someone about your need for approval because until that's figured out dating is probably going to be a challenge for you. You seem to be stuck on his approval so if believing it's his ex is what it's going to take to get you to let this go, if that's what it takes to shift your view and stop internalizing this so be it, do that and begin to move forward and seek some form of counseling or self help before your next relationship. Even though I think it's premature to give you a fatal attraction label, I agree that eventually you will probably get there. Problems grow if not resolved.

Edited by figureitout23
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"But I also don't text people I don't give two craps about, especially not daily, especially not all day. I think their friends. I think there probably is a spark and they flirt but I think it's much more serious to her than it is to him at this point, im basing this solely on what's written. The whole he doesn't care about you, he's a flake, well we're getting the story from the OPer from her lens and in her eyes he is failing her because she has placed bigger expectations on him. I don't think it's fair to say he doesn't value her or any of that. I value my friends, but if they viewed my actions on a dating level in sure I'd look like a flaky chick who doesn't care also."

 

I think he cares in the sense that he likes having her as a chat buddy and perhaps he likes to have women on the backburner should he ever be bored or change his mind about dating one of them. He is not acting in a friendly way because he's broken plans with her more than once without an emergency. Those choices were flaky and kind of jerky IMO. I agree with Katrina that making up scenarios that involve the guy as not over his ex/commitmentphobe etc impedes personal growth - personal acceptance that it's ok if a guy is just not that into you.

 

In the early 1990s there was a guy at work who outrageously flirted with me in person. We were summer interns. I thought he was cute and asked him to lunch. At lunch he acted very quiet and awkward and it was obvious he was not interested in dating me and just enjoyed the workplace banter. That gave me my answer and I moved on. I was glad I didn't need to delve into "why" he didn't want to date me. He just didn't.

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I saw a counselor for over a year and it did help a bit. Sje helped me see my ex was toxic for me and what feels good is good and what stresses me out and feels bad is something I should stay away from.

 

She and I also discussed my all or nothing personality. I either give 100% or nothing, and I have a hard time in between. Its just who I am. I care a lot about peoope so i go all in, but sometimes when something requires less I struggle.

 

Like trying to be friends with a crush. I can't do it. I feel like a weak woman for not being able to do it.

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I saw a counselor for over a year and it did help a bit. Sje helped me see my ex was toxic for me and what feels good is good and what stresses me out and feels bad is something I should stay away from.

 

She and I also discussed my all or nothing personality. I either give 100% or nothing, and I have a hard time in between. Its just who I am. I care a lot about peoope so i go all in, but sometimes when something requires less I struggle.

 

Like trying to be friends with a crush. I can't do it. I feel like a weak woman for not being able to do it.

 

So feel like a weak woman and find ways to self-talk to move on from reacting to that irrational feeling. It is not "just who you are" and it's not because you care a lot about people -in this case you cared about getting his romantic attention and you wrote some very critical and judgmental things about him -that's not caring about him, that's lashing out at him and overreacting because he didn't reciprocate your interest in dating him. Sure there are times I am sure where you go all out because you care. This is not one of those times and telling yourself that it's just who you are is getting in your own way. It's not just who you are -it is your choices and how you choose to invest your precious free time and energy. And you can make a different choice.

 

If all or nothing is not working for you then you can choose to change your approach. Don't take the easy way out with "oh well, it's just who I am "

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I get that. I do think I am afraid so I do go after people who can't work out.

 

I was surprised. He texted me after work tomorrow. About something we had been talking about. I didn't answer. Last night he sent me something else, totally unrelated. I sent a one word basic nothing back. This morning he sends me something else, totally unrelated again and I haven't answered.

 

I feel bad not answering, because I feel like its getting clearer that I am avoiding him, but I know what I want, and being his strung along friend isn't it.

 

I think it's possible he is also an avoidant. You might find that once you pull back and stop jumping every times he texts, he may start coming forward more.

 

It certainly appears to be that way now, since you've stopped jumping.

 

This is the dance of avoidants. It's a constant push/pull.

 

One comes forward, the other pulls back.

 

Then when the one who initially came forward (in this case YOU) pulls back, the one who's been pulling back comes forward.

 

It's exhausting! But honestly, given your post above and the fact he's been texting you more since you have essentially STOPPED, it's quite possible this is what's happening.

 

Nevermind that he said he's been in LTRs, you have no idea what those RLs were like. They could have been full of drama and distance which are like bees to honey to those with avoidant personalities.

 

I think there's something deeper going on here other than he's a guy who likes to text you, for fun or whatever.

 

I agree with the other poster who said no man is gonna be sending that many texts, for such an extended period of time, if there wasn't "something" there.

Edited by katrina1980
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Yes but when the "something" is not related to him asking her out -or showing up when she asks him out -then who really cares. She says she wants a boyfriend. If his something is that he is attracted to her to the extent he likes the flirtation and that's the extent of it where does that get her other than minor flattery that he thinks she is cute to flirt with?

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Yes but when the "something" is not related to him asking her out -or showing up when she asks him out -then who really cares. She says she wants a boyfriend. If his something is that he is attracted to her to the extent he likes the flirtation and that's the extent of it where does that get her other than minor flattery that he thinks she is cute to flirt with?

 

I agree with you about "who cares" but disagree that she actually wants a boyfriend.

 

She says she wants a boyfriend, but as I said earlier (and others have also said) no woman who sincerely wants a boyfriend would be tolerating and purusing these types of nonsensical interactions such that she has with this guy and all the other guys in the past couple of years.

 

Not only that but she's had plenty of men who have wanted to be her 'boyfriend' but she's not interested in them, she says they "suffocate" her, which further suggests she is an avoidant and although claims she wants a RL will run from it whenever it appears that's where it's going.

 

It doesn't matter the reason he isn't dating her he could be avoidant like I suggested, or any other reason, the fact is he isn't interested in dating her, she KNOWS this and has known it for awhile yet she continues to hang in and chase him, miraculously hoping one day he will wake up and suddenly realize she's the girl of his dreams and want to run off into the sunset with her. NOT gonna happen!

 

OP sorry for speaking about you in the third person, but it would really behoove you to explore this otherwise you are destined to either be alone or drawn to dysfunctional interactions with men who don't want you (for whatever reason).

Edited by katrina1980
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I wish I could. Therapy is expensive and I just cannot go right now.

 

I'm frustrated. I feel like now he and I are playing a game. A bad one. I'm sensing that he knew I was avoiding him, because he knows I always answer every message right away. Yesterday we texted briefly. At one point he drops off for a long time. At first, I assume he is busy, but then he's sending out snapchats and he's making dinner and clearly all on his phone. I go for hikes every saturday morning. I go regardless of who wants to go with me. Its my thing. He had been complaining about his lack of work out lately. So one of my friends suggests I casually mention that he is welcome to hike with me, but make it clear I'm not waiting on him to go. So I casually throw it out. He responds, like I said, so much later, even though I know he was checking his phone, and just says "I don't think I can tomorrow"

 

I wasn't crushed. It is whatever. I'm heading on my hike soon anyway. But right now I see he just sent something out and ge's just sitting at home drinking a cup of coffee. He doesn't have to go with me. It is whatever. But I assumed by his answer that he had something pressing to do. But alas, he's just sitting at home.

 

It is what it is. I'm overthinking. I re-read everything and I didn't say anything wrong or off etc...He's being weird and friendly texting me a million times in a row then backing off. I just don't get it and I need to forget it.

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I know this probably belongs in a different thread, but I have this guy friend from my college days. We used to flirt, but it died off a while ago, because he is currently far away at higher school. We snap chat a lot. But he's kind of just that type of person to everyone. The other day he sends me a selfie, not uncommon. We send them back and forth. But he asked me if he should shave or not. I tell him to do whatever he wants. He then tells me that he wants to know from me. I tell him I am partial to facial hair. He then says, "well that's what I was asking, was that so hard?"

 

This type of thing kind of surprised me. He usually doesn't ask me things like that. It was an attention seeker for him, that I know, but strange too. He is coming back from school this fall, so we'll have to see what happens then.

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I wish I could. Therapy is expensive and I just cannot go right now.

 

I'm frustrated. I feel like now he and I are playing a game. A bad one. I'm sensing that he knew I was avoiding him, because he knows I always answer every message right away. Yesterday we texted briefly. At one point he drops off for a long time. At first, I assume he is busy, but then he's sending out snapchats and he's making dinner and clearly all on his phone. I go for hikes every saturday morning. I go regardless of who wants to go with me. Its my thing. He had been complaining about his lack of work out lately. So one of my friends suggests I casually mention that he is welcome to hike with me, but make it clear I'm not waiting on him to go. So I casually throw it out. He responds, like I said, so much later, even though I know he was checking his phone, and just says "I don't think I can tomorrow"

 

I wasn't crushed. It is whatever. I'm heading on my hike soon anyway. But right now I see he just sent something out and ge's just sitting at home drinking a cup of coffee. He doesn't have to go with me. It is whatever. But I assumed by his answer that he had something pressing to do. But alas, he's just sitting at home.

 

It is what it is. I'm overthinking. I re-read everything and I didn't say anything wrong or off etc...He's being weird and friendly texting me a million times in a row then backing off. I just don't get it and I need to forget it.

 

At this point I feel like youre purposely being obtuse.

 

Katrina wrote a very likely scenario.

 

I've given a scenario.

 

Your friend gave you a scenario.

 

Batya has given a scenario.

 

Why do you keep saying 'I just don't get it'

 

Honest question. And why are you still attempting to make this work? Is it a case of deep down you think there's still a chance? Or is it a compulsion?

 

You can do what you please with the 20 pages of advice you've been given, at the end of the day you know your situation better than anyone. I just don't get how you post on here how you're going to walk away and like literally hours later you say ' oh my friend said I should ask if he wants to hike so I did and he took a long time to respond.' it's almost as if you start back at square one on a daily basis... and the irony is you keep getting the same results. He keeps in constant contact with you, you two seem to get along as friends just fine but the second you try for more he pulls away.

 

Whatever the reason for it, it doesn't seem to be changing any time soon. It's 2+2=4 but you keep adding advanced algebra thinking if you crack the code you'll get your prize. You say you get it you say you're done but you haven't stopped and now you're jumping to another guy throwing you crumbs.

 

This can't be fun for you. And again the irony is , you know what you're doing!

Edited by figureitout23
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I am beginning to wonder if OP even reads these posts.

 

Frankly, many (if not most) of her posts seem more like journal entries; after 25 pages, she still appears to be very caught up in her own reality despite all the insight and advice being offered to her by others.

 

Makes you wonder.

 

Yes, K "caught up in her own reality" is a great way to put it because often there's no acknowledgement of the other post, just a continuing narrative of what he texted her or whether he is active on line at the moment.

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How do you know he's on his phone? How do you know he's on Snapchat?

 

You're obviously electronically "stalking" him.

 

Why, after all this time, are you STILL trying to get him to want to date you?

 

I've asked this before and you ignore the question, instead posting "Oh, I don't understand him!!! This is just THE WAY I AM!!", but you don't answer WHY you still think you HAVE to get him to want to date you.

 

My other question you avoided...how long are you going to keep doing this? A year? Ten years?

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I'm trying real hard to move on and just be his friend. So far, so good. I feel good. No more crying over a guy who doesnt want to date me.

 

I am in school at night and there's this really cute guy in my class. I've been trying to be more confident and talk to him. Its been basic. Its tough. We get to class, smile at each other, sit in different spots. When we have breaks he doesn't really talk to me, but I'm a distance away, and he doesn't really talk to anyone. Sometime the guy behind me.

 

He seems nice, he's cute, has a good job. He does seem to wnjoy talking to me. I checked out his Facebook and he looks very single.

 

I am not sure how else to go about talking to him, gauging interest? I'd like to get closer to him. See if he and I hit it off, but in an awkward group class setting, that can be hard.

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