Starting a happy single life

[Batya33]

I also think it's very healthy to learn and implement boundaries in all sorts of relationships -professional/personal/family/neighbors/community - letting it all hang out everywhere is easy and often a cop out "I was just being myself -just being honest" as an excuse for not using tact and forethought in what you say and choose to share. People trust people far more who are discreet and selective about what they share, with whom and when. It's not about not being "yourself" it's about recognizing that being yourself adjusts to different situations. I was stressed this morning about work. It's not my son's fault of course. If I'd let it all hang out with him I would have shared how stressed I was and probably acted in a more nervous/high strung way. But part of my parenting job is to give him a reasonably calm environment to grow up in even during the mad rush in the morning to the bus stop and even when I am stressed from whatever.

 

So I make sure that I do what it takes to present to him a "self" that is calm and measured and positive -and then after his bus came I did my power walk in 20 degree weather to get out my stress It would be far easier for me to let it all out to him and be "myself" -show him how stressed I am, spill everything that's going on with me -because shouldn't he want to experience all my inner feelings and thoughts at 6am while he's eating breakfast? According to you, yes - he is my job and I shouldn't restrain my "self" -which you define as sharing your innermost feelings and thoughts - because if i do restrain well then I'm sucking the life out of myself. I couldn't disagree more. To me it's life affirming that I made the sacrifice in my parenting job not to spill all because my goal is for him to have a reasonably calm morning and get a good start to his long day at school.

 

Am I going to tell my boss that I'm stressed about this new deadline we now have? No - I will share that with my husband, with a good friend maybe -depending on what's going on -but she's my boss - I want to show her my strength, my positive approach to getting the job done, and that I am on her team as far as providing the service we provide. I want her to be able to do her job even better because she has me alongside, if at all possible. That's what makes me feel like my self - in this situation. What makes me feel like myself in my marriage or with a friend is far different.

 

Oh and millenials -one of my nieces is in her early 20s, so is her husband - she has 2 small kids she cares for all day and he works for his family business many hours a day - in a manual labor field. I don't think this is about millenials -in every generation there are people who want the comforts that money can bring -as you do - but believe that corporations are all evil, that money is just paper and that employees should have yoga and a ping pong table and sing kumbaya over lattes every day. Nothing to do with your generation -just a mindset and one that is far easier if you don't have to be financially independent.

[firelily]

What you wrote has almost nothing to do with what I wrote (and to me it's not the financial incentive only -volunteer work also has a goal -and requires productivity, reliability to get the work product or service done - I've volunteered for many years, probably longer than you've been alive lol). For me the motivation was to get the job done and make a contribution -the money wasn't the motivation.

 

Nothing to do with happiness = money at all and you have a very narrow definition of "happy" - hard work makes me happy - not anxious or miserable - many feel the same -challenging myself makes me happy and if my boss believes that I can get the job done and I do get it done and she acknowledges it in some way as in "good job", that makes me happy -much happier than if she sent me an email asking me how my son was feeling that morning or telling me that I seem like a really good person who cares about the world. I would find the workplace you describe anxiety provoking because of the lack of professional boundaries, because of the "let it all hang out" mentality, the emphasis on being "happy" in this amorphous way which many will take to mean that what they feel like doing on a whim is more important than the company's product or service goals.

 

Nothing about "leveraged" - I was referring to keeping a professional distance at work so that the job can get done and done right and efficiently. Most people need motivation to get at least part of their work done especially in crunch times. That can be money, appreciation, or just an internal sense of accomplishment (which is basically how it's always worked for me)

You can go down that path of maligning all companies that are for profit and come up with a million examples of corruption, scandal, how money is "just a piece of paper." If money is just a piece of paper why are you taking your parents' hard earned money and living at home -eating their food, using their space, etc.? What if they said "money is just a piece of paper, it's meaningless -so move out and see what you can do without financial backing". Easy for you to say that money is just a piece of paper and material goods result from corruption.

 

Oh and parenting is a job too - and yes you often need "leverage" to get your child to progress, improve, behave appropriately -it's a balancing act, unpredictable -but if you're not prepared to be a confident, firm, and positive leader for your child then you're not in my humble opinion going to be acting in the best interests of your child. Same at work -if you want to be buddies and let it all hang out and not be willing to take direction or delegate/give direction in an appropriate way (not in a toxic way -that would make no sense) -then you're going to have a hard time keeping a job and you'll likely create a CV that make people put it in the circular file because you'll have too many jobs of short duration without a cohesive explanation as to why you didn't last at each one. Circular file -traditionally CVs were on paper -the circular file = trash can.

 

Anyway, you seem to want to stick to your agenda and approach - and misinterpret what I am writing and take it to extremes. I have and have always had a lot of idealism as well and I am not all pro-corporate or pro-money. I also have a deadline at work lol so I'm going to get to that before I start my next job this afternoon (i.e parenting).

 

If we agree, why do we have to argue?

 

I kinda don't like that you used my personal situation right now in this general discussion. Of course I want things like food, shoes without holes, a roof under my head, some independence from other people, so I do want to work for money. If I work hard it's only natural to get these things for that in exchange. But materialistic motivation is not my main motivation for work. I also think, while what you say about leadership makes some sense, especially in some areas, there are places that can do without strict hierarchy. Did you ever heard about teal organizations? Or total participation management? I don't see it working in the army, but in a company selling goods - why not?

 

Anyway I am allowed to have my own business values and I don't really like when people who are older and raised in a different generation ridicule my naivety and youth and tell me that my views will change when I start working/move out/be a boss/... . And it happens a lot But my views won't drastically change. Just as my views about parenting won't change. When I was 7 my dad used to say a lot that one day I will understand how physical punishment is necessary and that one day when I'll be a parent I will thank him for what he did to me. I'm 30 and my views didn't change, and moreover I think it was very weird of him to repeat that stuff to a little kid. I know that when I will have children, I may not be a perfect parent, but even if I ever make a mistake of using physical punishment out of helplessness, I will never think this is a good thing. The same way I know the business model that you're speaking of will never be my model. I mean, people evolve. But I don't think I should feel naive or be ashamed of my youth, my living situation that I'm trying to change now, or my idealism. It will lead me in life to different places than the traditional approach, but I don't think "my CV getting to trash" is the inevitable outcome of it. And we've talked before about negative self-talk and lack of optimism! I need to encourage myself to create a beautiful life for myself, and not to fear for my future.. because I'm doomed to fail.. because I want to be work in a warm atmosphere. I may be inexperienced, but I don't think it works like that.

 

And I'm afraid for people in their 20s, these days, every job is of short duration. It's rarely possible to work in the same place for years anymore. Maybe it's a good thing in some ways but it's definitely harder. Most successful young people who want to make a career are people who change companies every 2-3 years. I'm afraid these who don't and work in the same company and position for years (if that is even technically possible) will end up with an unhireable CV. Flexibility started to be valued more than loyalty.

 

I agree with you that we should maybe just cut this topic about business. We tend to argue over stuff just for entertainment of it when we probably agree about more. I mean it's kinda fun But still. Good luck with your both jobs And I hope I can use your advice and perspective on future subjects. Cause you have a different perspective on some things, and if the scientists combined our brains it would make one badass superhuman.

[Batya33]

I wasn't meaning to argue just to make sure my words weren't twisted or exaggerated. I don't believe in physical punishment either -we don't do it and I think I was spanked once as a 4 year old, and all I remember was that I deserved it but my mom and I can't remember what exactly I did!

 

I do think that if you have a CV with multiple jobs where you left because you couldn't be your authentic self and act quirky and crazy whenever you felt like it, you will have a hard time being taken seriously at paying or volunteer jobs. That's not negative, just realistic IMO.

 

You're entitled to your values -I wasn't questioning those just what you are basing them on and how you are so disdainful of money and working for money, and being in part motivated by money and being able to provide for oneself and yet you don't have to be financially independent right now.

 

It's not about a generational difference -as I wrote, what you write about millenials -your opinion -is nothing new under the sun and has nothing to do with me being in your parents' generation or thereabouts.

Of course you should work in a pleasant and warm atmosphere. To me an atmosphere of let it all hang out is unpleasant. And working on a product or service or both is not inherently cold.

 

That's all I have to say on it -just wanted to clarify. Best of luck with your new job and thank you very very much for the good wishes and compliments! You obviously are highly intelligent and thoughtful.

[firelily]

Thanks

 

I hope I will be able to act quirky in this particular temporary job, because as I wrote, being quirky and personal is the reason why they chose me, and it feels very nice.

[Batya33]

Thanks

 

I hope I will be able to act quirky in this particular temporary job, because as I wrote, being quirky and personal is the reason why they chose me, and it feels very nice.

 

Yes, temp jobs often have more flexibility that way because they already know in advance they don't have to make a longer term commitment or invest much if anything in training you.

[itsallgrand]

So what is the temp job for at the ice rink, firelily?

[firelily]

Well technically it's not a "temp" job as in office job, but just a short-lasting job (since, you know, it's ice), so there's not much training for it I'll just work as a cashier, which includes some other basic administratory/cleaning duties around, because there are just a few people there for everything. For me it's a perfect job to get energized again, and I get to ride for free on my off-work or slow days, so I'm pretty happy And it actually pays 80% of what I earned at EvilCorp, so that's sad it's not possible to work there all year. It would be a good job to combine with some psychological internship/freelance stuff because of the schedule.

[itsallgrand]

Sounds fun and yes a positive boost. You could meet some good people there too. Things are funny that way. Sometimes even minor interactions can lead to something else down the line.

 

And you can hit two birds with one stone - money coming in, and more exercise out in fresh air.

[firelily]

Sounds fun and yes a positive boost. You could meet some good people there too. Things are funny that way. Sometimes even minor interactions can lead to something else down the line.

 

And you can hit two birds with one stone - money coming in, and more exercise out in fresh air.

 

Yes!! And not just exercise - ice skating! My favourite thing to do in winter aside from snowboard ^^

 

On this occasion, since I wanted this to be a musical thread - here's a tribute to winter, independence and empowerment!

 

[video=youtube;moSFlvxnbgk]

[Jibralta]

Yes!! And not just exercise - ice skating! My favourite thing to do in winter aside from snowboard ^^

 

Sounds awesome!

[firelily]

Awesome first day at work. Very nice people and very fair boss.

 

I learn quickly, as always. I just have to push myself not to self-sabotage this, cause it's already kicking in. You deserve this job, Firelily. Don't be late. Don't be messy. Don't play with your phone. Be calm. Be attentive.

 

You'll get through this. I know success is scarier than failure, but you do deserve this.

[itsallgrand]

We are rooting for you! Glad you had a great first day.

[Batya33]

Great job!

[firelily]

First day went lovely. Very tiring - cashier is a not the best kind of job for 13h shifts. But it seems they don't hold the individual cashiers responsible for little mistakes, so that's pretty cool. The girls on my shift are very open, fun and easy-going, so we joke like crazy. I spent the hour "testing" the ice because we had not so many clients in the morning :) I was on time, in good mood and everything went well.

 

Today I saw the room I thought about renting from a friend, and it's another story. It's ugh just horrible. The room is pretty small but that's fine, the localization could be better. The furniture doesn't match and was made in 80s, it's uncomfortable and depressing. The bathroom and the kitchen is depressing too. There's even a window between the kitchen and my room, so if my friend wanted to make himself a tea he would wake me up lol unless I painted/covered the window. I don't have any money stored for the makeover this room would need to be a less ugly place.

 

If I want to rent a room in a normal apartment, it might be not that doable at the moment. I don't have any money for payment up front or deposit. I can't sign the contract for a year because I only have a job and life plans settled for the next two months... I'm not sure if I'll ever have my plans settled for the next full year...

 

Still I'm gonna take a look at the local offer and make a couple of calls. But I may have to accept the idea that I'll be able to rent something in a couple of months or a year... :( If it will be so, I seriously need to consider travelling/volunteering abroad, because if I were to live every day with my parents for the whole 2018 I would lose it.

[Batya33]

But you said you're not focused on material things and money is really just a piece of paper so apply those values here and figure that this room is clean and safe and livable. Why does it need to be pretty or extra comfy given your values about material things and money? You would spend money to makeover a fairly short term rental when you don't really care about material things? Why?

 

Watch St. Elmo's Fire -a movie from the 80s -specifically the scene about how one of the characters describes finally moving out of her parents' house in her 20s. (the whole movie is awesome but that scene reminds me of what you wrote).

[itsallgrand]

First places aren't supposed to be perfect lol. The point is your own space and motivation ( if you want nice things) to work hard .

 

I look back on my first sparse apartment with fond memories though.

[firelily]

I love material stuff, however I usually place other values higher in my value system. Probably the main reason I split with my ex, who preferred to work away for his luxury items than search for a local job and go to sleep every night with me in his bed.

 

I like stuff around me to express my personality (what I wear, my office desk, the cup I'm drinking from) and I'm unhappy/unsettled when they don't. Last month I bought a set of toilet paper rolls printed with unicorns. The same price as normal paper, but boy it made me so happy.

 

Plus the whole idea about moving out is based on my wish to get creative and not depressed by the place that I live in.

 

I think I could get used to most of the conditions, but the full light from the kitchen through window and door is probably a deal breaker for me. It reminded me of hospitals where it was never really dark and nurses woke up everybody at 5 am to get the temperature. I'm not sure if I want to put all that energy into a place that was supposed to be temporary, to be able to not go nuts there, if it is possible to find something not much more expensive with a much higher standard.

 

I don't know yet. Have to think about it, but probably I'm gonna stick to my gut instinct, cause why not.

[Batya33]

The reason to move out is to be independent - period. You have no idea how awesome that will feel and how huge a change it will be, positively.

 

I'm glad you've explained that you do like and want material things -you came out very strongly against them in one of your previous posts and had strong disdain plus for money as "piece of paper" - so now you see how important money is to you so you can buy things to decorate a place the way you want. (whether you buy things or supplies or hire people to help).

 

I vote for moving if the place is safe and reasonably clean because your independence and growth is so much more important right now than the aesthetics. Being independent is the antidote to your feelings of depression. If you want beauty get out every day from that room you will sleep in and get fresh air and watch the sun rise which is what I will be doing in about 40 minutes from now. It's like a painting most mornings.

 

If you wait for "creative" and how it expresses your personality from how you describe it could be years -don't indulge in that right now or in those excuses. That's a great goal for when you have enough money and disposable income.

[itsallgrand]

With all due respect, I think you need to get this idea out of your head that it is optional to be fully independent and providing for yourself at your age. I know your folks have allowed you to live there, but you have to be the one then to act 'as if' that option does not exist. It's for your own growth as an adult.

 

Necessity gives plenty of opportunity to be creative. I think you are making excuses to stay in your comfort zone too. You can get creative on how to make a pleasant space on little cash. You can get creative on how to drum up longer term work and a reliable income. Etc. But honestly, with bills to pay and with securing a next place, you won't be home much anyways because you will NEED to work a lot to get ahead.

[Batya33]

You can cover the window with blackout shades and wear an eye mask (my favorite eye mask -I wear one every night even when it's dark) is tempurpedic because it molds to my face but I've used less expensive ones too.

[firelily]

The only reason why I feel like moving out is optional is that I have 12-18 months of repaying debt to my family ahead of me. So moving out feels like an act of selfishness right now :/ To be independent I need to finish my driving license - also a lot of money. I want to make smart decisions about it all - career, financial and living choices, fighting my depressive stuff.. I hope I have it in me to get forward in live in the next few years. But no, being 100% financially independent isn't an option at the very moment because I owe some money and don't have any savings. So being able to live really independently (and able to support my dear ones too) is definitely a goal, but a goal to work on in time.

[firelily]

Update: my brother leaves in January for 4 week vacations and leaves his apartment empty. I'm gonna take his spare room for this time probably for free or some symbolic payment. That will get me used to living on my own a bit. My dream is to have by the end of February a) finished driving license (a lot of expenses) b) new job lined up + new apartment lined up / a job or volunteering abroad lined up c) pay off a tiny bit of debt d) have a tiny bit of money for new apartment/new travelling ideas. Hope I'll do at least one of this by this time :)

[Batya33]

Update: my brother leaves in January for 4 week vacations and leaves his apartment empty. I'm gonna take his spare room for this time probably for free or some symbolic payment. That will get me used to living on my own a bit. My dream is to have by the end of February a) finished driving license (a lot of expenses) b) new job lined up + new apartment lined up / a job or volunteering abroad lined up c) pay off a tiny bit of debt d) have a tiny bit of money for new apartment/new travelling ideas. Hope I'll do at least one of this by this time :)

 

Great plans and goals!

[firelily]

Great plans and goals!

 

Thanks!

 

Also, I have to say, just viewing all these tons of renting offers, contacting the owners, making appointments and seeing places was a new valuable thing. I feel like if I found the next job in a different city, going through all this would be easier now.

 

I'll probably be window shopping the offers for some time and try to find not so obvious ways like FB groups, in case some great occasion comes along, and to get more knowledge about this. As much as it's painful, it was smart of me to wait with getting a pet as most of the owners are against animals :( But I won't be happy unless I get a dog, so I really need to create a space in my life for this commitment in the next few years.

 

And I got this idea, that since I plan a bit of a nomad/flexible lifestyle for some time, I may need some portable decor to make new places feel more like home. I should investigate this too, cause I'm sure there are a lot of places where people want to get rid of their stuff before moving, flee markets, FB groups, exchange parties, local selling meetings etc. so it might be a good idea to look for a longer period of time for some cheap treasures.

[Jibralta]

And I got this idea, that since I plan a bit of a nomad/flexible lifestyle for some time, I may need some portable decor to make new places feel more like home. I should investigate this too, cause I'm sure there are a lot of places where people want to get rid of their stuff before moving, flee markets, FB groups, exchange parties, local selling meetings etc. so it might be a good idea to look for a longer period of time for some cheap treasures.

 

I bought a table and a couple of good shelves from the tenants before me at my last place, all for $75. I ended up selling the table because it was too big to take with me, but the shelves are amazingly useful and because the tenant didn't want to move them, they were a steal!