Help! Having THAT conversation with someone...are we friends or more?

[LegalGirl2009]

That would be an interesting conversation wouldn't it?

"Ok. . cool. .We'll be friends. By the way, would you mind if I take up your friend on his offer?"

I'd love to see the look on his face! lol

 

Right?! I feel like he would NEVER expect that! lol One of his friends is really nice, but I still have no interest until I know how the guy I've been seeing feels.

[DancingFool]

Well, to be honest, I was enjoying the NSA sex as well. Our relationship has always been very equal, I wasn't interested in defining our relationship. But as time passes and he introduces me to his friends and is inviting me more places, I have no grown stronger feelings recently. I just don't even know how to approach this type of conversation.

 

......Wait wait wait....you will get naked with him but you can't open your mouth and discuss what you are doing?.......Oh come on.....this is silly.

[LegalGirl2009]

......Wait wait wait....you will get naked with him but you can't open your mouth and discuss what you are doing?.......Oh come on.....this is silly.

 

Lol, I never said I couldn't. I was asking how I should approach this situation since I don't want to lose his friendship.

[HeartGoesOn]

I didn't want to be snatched up in the beginning. I was great with our casual relationship. But now he's kinda asking if I like him, without actually asking. ie "My friends seem to think you really like me." Which caught me off guard and I said "well yeah we're friends!" So he's not the only one who has been skirting the issue.

 

At this time rather than being friends, you're FWBs simply because friends don't sleep together. At any rate, and no offense intended, but it would seem much easier to ask where you stand, rather than going full force ahead and not know.

 

JMO...

[Jibralta]

At this point, yes I am prepared to walk away, even though it would absolutely suck. It's been long enough to know whether or not we should take it to the next level. I just enjoy his friendship so much. But if he does just want to be friends, can I pursue something with his friend that's hitting me up?

 

I don't see why not.

[reinventmyself]

You have to change the way you look at things.

Your heart and your body are some of most precious things you have to offer someone.

Why would be afraid to ask questions and just give it away so freely?

 

And. . this guy can't be all that. If you are already sizing up his friend as a possibility, you can't be all that into the first guy to begin with.

[DancingFool]

Lol, I never said I couldn't. I was asking how I should approach this situation since I don't want to lose his friendship.

 

You aren't friends....you are fwb....it already comes with an expiration date so you have nothing to lose here and everything to gain.

[LegalGirl2009]

The inadvertent s.l.u.t.-shaming should end guys...I'm an adult. I can have sex with someone without feeling like I'm "giving my body away." Women can have sex without being in a relationship, welcome to the 21st century.

[figureitout23]

The inadvertent s.l.u.t.-shaming should end guys...I'm an adult. I can have sex with someone without feeling like I'm "giving my body away." Women can have sex without being in a relationship, welcome to the 21st century.

 

They absolutely can. I don't think anyone is knocking you, if that's the road you want to take more power to you.

 

Far too often though young women lead with sex instead words thinking it's the cool, hip, 2017 thing to do and they're stuck in a situation having no issue licking a dudes butt hole but can't say they like him.

 

Does that seem logical to you?

[reinventmyself]

The inadvertent s.l.u.t.-shaming should end guys...I'm an adult. I can have sex with someone without feeling like I'm "giving my body away." Women can have sex without being in a relationship, welcome to the 21st century.

 

Then there should be absolutely no shame in asking him what he's looking for, right?

Because if you really believe in what you just said, you shouldn't be nervous about asking.

[abitbroken]

The inadvertent s.l.u.t.-shaming should end guys...I'm an adult. I can have sex with someone without feeling like I'm "giving my body away." Women can have sex without being in a relationship, welcome to the 21st century.

 

Yes - you can have sex with who you like - but its puzzling to us that you can be intimate with a guy, but you can't tell him you consider this dating or tell him your intentions or feelings now that you have them. I would think if you were bold enough to have NSA sex, you would be equally bold enough to speak your mind to him because at that point -- when you are having feelings or wanting more, you want to protect your heart or your time investment at that point vs just going along and trying to play detective about what it all means.

[SweetGirl28]

Lol, I never said I couldn't. I was asking how I should approach this situation since I don't want to lose his friendship.

 

Girl , good luck not losing the friendship because you're FWB and you've caught feelings.

If he doesn't return them, he's gonna get scared and run.

 

Been there, done that. Had my heart ripped out. Be careful.

I do think you owe it to yourself to tell him exactly how you feel before you fall deeper into this and

waste time. Best case scenario, he returns the feelings and you enter a real relationship.

[abitbroken]

Girl , good luck not losing the friendship because you're FWB and you've caught feelings.

If he doesn't return them, he's gonna get scared and run.

 

Been there, done that. Had my heart ripped out. Be careful.

I do think you owe it to yourself to tell him exactly how you feel before you fall deeper into this and

waste time. Best case scenario, he returns the feelings and you enter a real relationship.

 

Yes. ANd if he doesn't, you can move on to find someone who wants a relationship.

But you will stop speculating. It will only hurt more if you prolong it.

[HeartGoesOn]

I was asking how I should approach this situation since I don't want to lose his friendship.

 

That's an easy one. It's the "21st century," remember?

[LegalGirl2009]

Yes - you can have sex with who you like - but its puzzling to us that you can be intimate with a guy, but you can't tell him you consider this dating or tell him your intentions or feelings now that you have them. I would think if you were bold enough to have NSA sex, you would be equally bold enough to speak your mind to him because at that point -- when you are having feelings or wanting more, you want to protect your heart or your time investment at that point vs just going along and trying to play detective about what it all means.

 

My deeper feelings toward him have been very recent. It's not like I've been waiting months to talk to him about it. It's only been a few days since I realized my feelings were deeper. I think I can take a few days to figure out how to deal with this situation.

[LegalGirl2009]

That's an easy one. It's the "21st century," remember?

 

Don't people come to this forum for advice? I was unaware that asking for help on how to approach an awkward conversation would lead to you being rude to someone just looking for help.

[LegalGirl2009]

Girl , good luck not losing the friendship because you're FWB and you've caught feelings.

If he doesn't return them, he's gonna get scared and run.

 

Been there, done that. Had my heart ripped out. Be careful.

I do think you owe it to yourself to tell him exactly how you feel before you fall deeper into this and

waste time. Best case scenario, he returns the feelings and you enter a real relationship.

 

It's just a sucky situation! But I thank you for your thoughtful response! I mean I am prepared to lose the friendship and that's why I was hesitant because it's going to hurt.

[SweetGirl28]

It's just a sucky situation! But I thank you for your thoughtful response! I mean I am prepared to lose the friendship and that's why I was hesitant because it's going to hurt.

 

I understand completely. I went in casually, not looking to catch feelings. He was clear he wasn't looking for commitment either. It was my own fault because I knew as soon as those feelings started I should have bailed out gracefully. But I was so attached by that point. I made the fatal mistake of letting him know I loved him, and he got scared and ended it. We're not even friends now. I tried but he really just wanted to bail at that point. Had I never said anything, I'm sure it will still be continuing. It worked well for us that way. Guys don't bond thru sex. FWB is a really tricky situation. We even used to joke about it. That's how much I never intended on falling.

 

I learned to never do that again. Commitment or no sex. I can't hurt anymore.

It's funny though how you can start off as just fun and sex and your heart ends up involved.

Curse of being a female! Lol

[reinventmyself]

Don't people come to this forum for advice? I was unaware that asking for help on how to approach an awkward conversation would lead to you being rude to someone just looking for help.

 

I don't think any one is being rude to you. But that's me.

 

We are just pointing out the contradictions in how you word things.

 

Some comments may seem a little pointed, but it just goes to show that if you have a progressive view on sex then along with that comes an open dialog to support it.

 

Catching feelings and getting too nervous to speak up in fear of losing him is a little contradictory. That's all.

We are all on your side here.

[SweetGirl28]

I don't think any one is being rude to you. But that's me.

 

We are just pointing out the contradictions in how you word things.

 

Some comments may seem a little pointed, but it just goes to show that if you have a progressive view on sex then along with that comes an open dialog to support it.

 

Catching feelings and getting too nervous to speak up in fear of losing him is a little contradictory. That's all.

We are all on your side here.

 

I'm on her side! I want to hear of a successful FWB relationship that turned into more!!

But I'll still never do that again, lol

[LegalGirl2009]

I understand completely. I went in casually, not looking to catch feelings. He was clear he wasn't looking for commitment either. It was my own fault because I knew as soon as those feelings started I should have bailed out gracefully. But I was so attached by that point. I made the fatal mistake of letting him know I loved him, and he got scared and ended it. We're not even friends now. I tried but he really just wanted to bail at that point. Had I never said anything, I'm sure it will still be continuing. It worked well for us that way. Guys don't bond thru sex. FWB is a really tricky situation. We even used to joke about it. That's how much I never intended on falling.

 

I learned to never do that again. Commitment or no sex. I can't hurt anymore.

It's funny though how you can start off as just fun and sex and your heart ends up involved.

Curse of being a female! Lol

 

I've been successful FWB before, didn't catch true feelings. But the more time I spend with this particular guy, the more I meet his friends, and he introduces me to his world, the more I like him lol. I think him and I are both in limbo right now, without know how each other feels. And as much as everyone wants to say "if you're in bed with him, it should be easy to have a conversation with him," that's just not the case. Most people in my position wouldn't find this easy. Knowing you could potentially be shut down, of course that makes me nervous. Currently, I'm not realllllly attached to him. I have been able to draw the line, but since my feelings have been extremely recent, I know it's time to have the talk.

[LegalGirl2009]

That's an easy one. It's the "21st century," remember?

 

@reinventmyself this is what I was referring to when I meant "rude." A comment that has no value to the topic I first proposed. This comment offers nothing to help me in my situation.

[LegalGirl2009]

I don't think any one is being rude to you. But that's me.

 

We are just pointing out the contradictions in how you word things.

 

Some comments may seem a little pointed, but it just goes to show that if you have a progressive view on sex then along with that comes an open dialog to support it.

 

Catching feelings and getting too nervous to speak up in fear of losing him is a little contradictory. That's all.

We are all on your side here.

 

I have no problem speaking with conviction re: my stance on sex. But it's not relevant to the topic I first asked. I just wanted advice on how to talk to him about my feelings.

 

And I think it's pretty natural for any human to feel nervous about talking about their feelings, specially when it has never been discussed.

[SweetGirl28]

I've been successful FWB before, didn't catch true feelings. But the more time I spend with this particular guy, the more I meet his friends, and he introduces me to his world, the more I like him lol. I think him and I are both in limbo right now, without know how each other feels. And as much as everyone wants to say "if you're in bed with him, it should be easy to have a conversation with him," that's just not the case. Most people in my position wouldn't find this easy. Knowing you could potentially be shut down, of course that makes me nervous. Currently, I'm not realllllly attached to him. I have been able to draw the line, but since my feelings have been extremely recent, I know it's time to have the talk.

 

No, just because you've gotten naked and had sex doesn't make it easy.

It complicates it because you went in full well knowing it was casual.

Then the unexpected happens.

 

Do it now before you get really attached like I did,

The more you hang out and be included in his world, the harder it will be to leave if he doesn't return those feelings.

Its been 4 months, he should have some sort of clue on feelings by now.

I do hope that no matter what, you keep the friendship. It's just the start of feelings, you can't run him off

with the dreaded "L" word just yet

 

I hope you do it soon cuz I have my popcorn here waiting, lol

[figureitout23]

@reinventmyself this is what I was referring to when I meant "rude." A comment that has no value to the topic I first proposed. This comment offers nothing to help me in my situation.

 

Oh stop. I get it, your ego is involved and you don't want to embarrass yourself but you came at us side ways accusing people of shaming you.

 

I'm very straight forward with my advice, mostly because I don't like dancing around pretending I can't see the blatantly obvious. You might think it's mean or old school to say but in my eyes, it's true, if you can take your clothes off on front of someone you should be able to talk to them, if those aren't your standards they aren't your standards, but own it. If it wasn't an issue you wouldnt be reaching out for help.

 

 

I've been in FWB myself and I can honestly say I was kidding myself and Im the one who chose it! I'm glad I decided to have certain standards when it comes to my heart and my body. Many women have a very hard time separating sex and emotional connection. I know I can't handle having sex with someone and not know where their head is at. The insecurity alone drove me crazy.

 

 

To be completely honest, I don't think you're afraid because you don't want to ruin the friendship because I don't think there ever was a true friendship, true friends don't screw up their relationship by sleeping with each other, true friends are able to talk.Youre afraid of rejection, who isn't? That's all I see here and I see the 'I can handle casual sex' bravado as just that, bravado. IMHO, it's not for you.

 

I don't have any advise on how to tell him besides do it sooner than later because often times these things don't work out. I hope it does for your sake, but either way you aren't the first girl to get herself into this situation and you won't be the last. It'll be a lesson learned though.

 

Good luck.