Fran2 Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 Hi guys. Don't really want to go into details. Thought he was my soulmate. This was not young and impressionable love wither, both of us were in our mid thirties when we met. I genuinely never felt this way about anyone ever. We also lost a baby which devastated me. It has been over for two years. However, and call me stupid, but it took therapy for me to realize this and i'm still struggling to accept it, he was abusive. Never beat me or so much as raised his voice towards me, but he was highly manipulative, effectively isolated me from everyone, interfered with my work, and undermined my confidence. Of course when I met him, prince Charming was not enough to describe what he was. When I ended up in a relationship with Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde it all happened very gradually.Up to the bitter end,Dr Jeckyll was (seemingly) as close to a perfect love as anything and Mr Hyde, well, hated me apparently. After being engaged, almost having a baby and living together for 3 years, when he discarded me over the phone (several phone calls actually. tormenting me once was not enough, he kept calling for 3 days straight just to tell me he never loved me and he was faking it so he wouldn't lose me and finally to ask me for nude pictures to "remember me by" - yes,for anyone reading, no contact is the ONLY way to go, not to have them back, but to have YOU back and save yourself the heartache). I may sound like a doormat but I did end all contact with him and NEVER initated again to this day. First there were breacrumbs (another pro tip, don't respond, I'm thankful I never did), then came the suicide threats, then the unsolicited messages to offer me "closure" I never asked him for, then the magnanimus messages to tell me "his door is always open" and the really messed up message faking a shooting (yes, he actually texted he was involved in a shooting, about to die and wanted to talk to me, which is the only thing that ever got a response for me. Turns out, he was lying and of course there was no mass shooting anywhere near him). He is blocked on everything but yes, you guessed it. two years after, and while I'm just beginning something nice with someone I admittedly am not as head over heels with (not to say I dont have genuine feelings for the new guy in any way) but might actually be decent to me for a change, ex from hell starts calling, first anonymously and yesterday I received an outpour of messages begging me to talk to him. I know what I need to do. But I am so angry it physically hurts. Getting over him and his deception was like an actual death for me. It took me a year just to start feeling human again, and he has the audacity to, what exactly? Catch up? Whatever for? He does owe me a significant amount of money and one of the (no doubt drunken) messages from last night mentions he wants to repay me part of it which he bloody well should, but I am sooo angry because I was doing great and now I am a pile of nerves and why the hell do I allow him to make me feel like this? I know I should not answer but part of me wants to. I don't want him back, but I spent years wondering how he discarded me in a way as to cause the maximum amount of pain and he seemed to enjoy hurting me. I think I did textbook right. Once he said it was over I didn't pled, I didn't call, I didn't ask for a second chance, I just gave him my silence, blocked, never reacted. But that hurt then and it hurts now and I was doing great and now I feel all the pain and the rejection and the feelings of wothlessness he made me feel back in the day, so please, guys and gals, talk some sense into me. Is it normal to still be affected? What do I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dominique Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 Change your phone number. Realize he only has the power you GIVE him. Don't let him waste anymore of your time or emotion. Listen to affirmations and repeat them aloud (YouTube has some good ones) Take your strength back. You are to be admired for how you let go. Not admonished for the fact that you are human and unkindness causes you pain. He hurt you. It's normal to feel pain when cut. Put a bandaid on it. Don't sit there and let him reopen wounds and then watch them bleed. Treat the cut. Seal it off. And move on. You are an amazing person. He is weak and drawn to your strength. He wants to sick strength from you because he has none of his own. Change your phone number/email/Facebook/ everything!....and walk away. Wind is at your back, my Luv. You got this. Sending you light and love and endurance to win the race. 💙 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anna8896 Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 Block the number, delete all messages, photos ect. Give yourself the respect of a clean slate Most importantly every thought of him- try and distract yourself by saying " f him" - its about me! Make goals and plans for the future and start working towards those Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 That man, my dear, is a mental mess. You have all the power here. Good for you to ignore him. That which angers you, controls you. Don't be upset over this guy ever. He only acted the way he did because you didn't provide him with any fuel for his fire. It seems you are still feeling this waybecause you haven't yet truly moved on. And most likely the loss of the pregnancy impacts the reason why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fran2 Posted November 10, 2017 Author Share Posted November 10, 2017 Thank you both for taking the time to post kind replies. This is solid advise. I tried to post a reply but for some reason it doesn't appear so hopefully this won't be duplicate. Erasing everything and blocking is something everyone should do. I have done it ages ago. Unfortunately, my cell number needs to be public because of the nature of my job. He can still find it if I change it and he can still get a new number/use someone else's phone so this is really something I need to work with with myself. It bothers me that he still gets me after years. That I still have a lot of anger. I need to learn to manage this. I just don't know how yet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsbannapple Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 It is normal for you to still feel affected. You were in a relationship with an abusive Narcissist is what it sounds like. DO NOT reply to anything he sends you. He loves that you reply, he feeds off of it. When he randomly comes back into your life to "catch up" that's called 'hoovering' my dear. Look up that term, it's something narcissistic and manipulative people do to control their exes. Trust me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fran2 Posted November 10, 2017 Author Share Posted November 10, 2017 Actually, my therapist used this term. Both about the hoover and about him being a narcissistic abuser. Until I had therapy I did not really consider myself abused, but really the dots were there. My therapist warned me he would be back and asked me to prepare for it. But I was really convinced he wouldn't. Maybe the poster who suggested I'm not entirely over it is correct. I know I definitely don't want anything to do with him. But I had no idea I still have so much anger about it. Also, the loss of the baby possibly plays a role too. But I absolutely hate the feelings his attempts to get in touch stir in me. I am a ball of nerves (in the time between my original post and this he called 3 times in a row from unidentified number which I did not pick up, pretty sure it was him). They seem to have a magic sense don't they? I started seeing someone a hundred times better who treats me like a princess so I was honestly not even thinking of the ex and of course that is the moment he chooses to reappear with such persistence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetGirl28 Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 Actually, my therapist used this term. Both about the hoover and about him being a narcissistic abuser. Until I had therapy I did not really consider myself abused, but really the dots were there. My therapist warned me he would be back and asked me to prepare for it. But I was really convinced he wouldn't. Maybe the poster who suggested I'm not entirely over it is correct. I know I definitely don't want anything to do with him. But I had no idea I still have so much anger about it. Also, the loss of the baby possibly plays a role too. But I absolutely hate the feelings his attempts to get in touch stir in me. I am a ball of nerves (in the time between my original post and this he called 3 times in a row from unidentified number which I did not pick up, pretty sure it was him). They seem to have a magic sense don't they? I started seeing someone a hundred times better who treats me like a princess so I was honestly not even thinking of the ex and of course that is the moment he chooses to reappear with such persistence They always come back, when they know you've moved on. Be strong. I'm so happy to hear you are being treated well now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
figureitout23 Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 Is this the same guy from 2016? Please block him, for your own sanity. I can't imagine the damage youre causing yourself by holding onto this for so long and knowingly leaving the door open for him to continuously come back and abuse you. You deserve so much better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fran2 Posted November 10, 2017 Author Share Posted November 10, 2017 yes this is the same guy. The old thread was about the money in question. I lost access to a previous account so you (and I) can't cringe at the specifics of just how volatile this relationship was which I posted in the past probably for the best. I wasn't at a good place then but you are right. He did in the past lure me with promises of change, some creepy behavior I then found romantic and now know to be stalkerish as hell (like showing up with flowers at my work, finding him at my door at night in the pouring rain, arranging to come volunteer at the homeless shelter so he could cook with me. I took him back twice. Big mistake. But actually the 3d break up I took seriously. I refused any contact with him and never answered any of his attempts to contact me. I blocked him from phone and social media and never answered anything he somehow periodically send (mostly breadcrumbs, certainly not the torrent of essages/phonecalls since last night - more than 50 messages and 10 calls from unidentified number which I can't block but knowing it is him I don't answer either)All in all I kept the strictest NC enforced when I decided this was the last time he dumps me on a whim like I'm garbage I didn't want him back but really needed to heal.. It was heartbreaking but I did it. I contacted him only twice about the money but did so in writing and very formally like I would treat a business interaction. First time he got angry with me, second time he promised to pay at least a portion of it which of course he didn't. Then I resigned myself that the money is lost and blocked his number again. There was no interaction on either sides. Unfortunately, the amount is not trivial. It is more in the thousands, so a very expensive loss for me. I was also the sole breadwinner supporting him for two years since his business was wrecked and while I am a highly paid professional and he ended up unemployed, alcoholic and living with his mom doesn't mean he still doesn't owe it. Is it worth to reply with my bank account details and firmly state I wish no further interaction? Or is this a bad idea altogether that will open up a can of worms. At this point I have zero intention of actually ever verbally speaking with him or engaging him in any way. But it is a lot of money. Would a short to the point message containing my bank info be really damaging? I am not tempted to open any channel of communication and very adamant about that.He is a terrible person and my life is much better with the new man. I would never put this at risk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted November 10, 2017 Share Posted November 10, 2017 It's up to you whether the money is worth all the heartache and as you can see, flushing up all the bad emotions that were tied to him. But here's a thought - If he is genuinely wanting to see you get the money back with no strings attached. ((cough)) then ask a friend to facilitate this for you. They can deal with him. If his intentions are what he says they are, this is purely about righting a wrong and seeing you are paid back. If there is a condition placed on it. . then the game is over. Period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
figureitout23 Posted November 11, 2017 Share Posted November 11, 2017 It's up to you whether the money is worth all the heartache and as you can see, flushing up all the bad emotions that were tied to him. But here's a thought - If he is genuinely wanting to see you get the money back with no strings attached. ((cough)) then ask a friend to facilitate this for you. They can deal with him. If his intentions are what he says they are, this is purely about righting a wrong and seeing you are paid back. If there is a condition placed on it. . then the game is over. Period. I agree with this. Me personally, I don't think the money is worth your emotional health, I really don't. Concidering his financial history, I'd be shocked if he ever actually planned to pay you back, it's been how many years now, 3? I really think it's something you both, yes both, have used as a way to keep this unhealthy circus going. Get off the crazy train. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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