Do I have a chance?

[Lovelost3]

My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me last week saying that he didn't want to put in the effort of being with me anymore. I talked to him and tried to convince him to think about working things out. By the end of it we kind of agreed that we would give each other space before fully breaking up. After that I didn't contact him for a week then yesterday I texted him saying that I missed talking to him and he said he missed it too. I then asked if he would want to just try to take things slow and see where things go he said that he had been thinking a lot and didn't know what he wanted to do. I then suggested we just try talking every now and then and see where things go from there. He said he thought it was a good idea and that he had just been thinking a lot and when he is ready to talk he will. I'm just looking for some opinions on where you think his head is at and what I can do other then just give him his space so that he will want to try again. Thank you.

[ThatwasThen]

What happened to make him not want to put in the effort? What had been going on up to that point?

[Lovelost3]

Well I think it was mainly our communication problems. I wanted him to communicate with me regularly, like if I texted him and he was busy or couldn't talk or anything just say something like "hey can't talk I'll text you later" or something and he could just never do that so he would ignore me for hours at a time and then I would text him multiple times getting upset then he would just continue to ignore me sometimes going two days before he would reply and just say sorry and that he didn't know why he didn't respond so it would start this whole argument. And this was a constant occurrence so I think that was the biggest reason. I would get too intense and needy and he just wanted more freedom, which I understand I definitely need to work on my independence but at the same time he could have learned to just send me one text letting me know and then I wouldn't care.

[Iggy5129]

Well I think it was mainly our communication problems. I wanted him to communicate with me regularly, like if I texted him and he was busy or couldn't talk or anything just say something like "hey can't talk I'll text you later" or something and he could just never do that so he would ignore me for hours at a time and then I would text him multiple times getting upset then he would just continue to ignore me sometimes going two days before he would reply and just say sorry and that he didn't know why he didn't respond so it would start this whole argument. And this was a constant occurrence so I think that was the biggest reason. I would get too intense and needy and he just wanted more freedom, which I understand I definitely need to work on my independence but at the same time he could have learned to just send me one text letting me know and then I wouldn't care.

 

Read what you just wrote. Why exactly do you want to be with this guy? Not answering right away is one thing but ignoring you for two days is just lazy and mean. I wouldn’t tolerate it. You should have been the one dumping him.

[Lovelost3]

I understand that how he would act is wrong but the way I look at it is that the whole texting thing is such a small thing and if you love and care for someone you shouldnt let something like that affect the entire outcome of the relationship. So that's why I stayed with him. I just am curious about what he could be "thinking a lot" about and what "when I am ready to talk I will" means?

[MissCanuck]

Going two days without bothering to reply is a bad sign, OP.

 

He was not invested the way you were if he was intentionally avoiding communication. I think you're back-pedaling now and claiming it's not a big deal because you want him to come back. But deep down, it bothered you. I can understand not replying for a few hours, but two days? That's not someone who was into you the same way you were into him. You weren't wrong to feel disappointed and neglected, in my opinion.

 

Consequently, I think he does want to end this but is also worried about being direct and telling you that, since he knows you don't want to break up. I've said it before and I'll say it again: when you have to campaign for someone's attention or try to convince them to stay with you, you're not with the right person.

[ThatwasThen]

but at the same time he could have learned to just send me one text letting me know and then I wouldn't care.

yes, he could have but he couldn't be sussed to. That says a lot, really.

[Lovelost3]

So what does that mean? Should I just continue to give him his space until he is ready? But then what? I truly do think he is someone that I could see my life with we have the same interests and goals in life

[j.man]

I mean, if someone is too busy to text you, logic would dictate they're too busy to send you a text saying they're too busy to text you.

 

Without further context, I can say that I can empathize with him a bit as it gets to a point where there's only so much you can say or do to appease a partner's emotional insecurity. His mistake wasn't so much in not replying to you as it was not telling straight up, "Hey, you gotta **** off if I can't or don't want to get to my phone for a bit.

 

So, yeah. Shame on him for not ending it outright.

[MissCanuck]

So what does that mean? Should I just continue to give him his space until he is ready? But then what? I truly do think he is someone that I could see my life with we have the same interests and goals in life

 

Unfortunately, he might not become ready, OP. Sometimes people really are done, even if we think they're a good match for us.

 

I would call off this "break" and instead let him know that if he wishes to end the relationship, you will respect that. He actually already told you that was what he wanted, but I would talk to him and tell him that you don't want to keep him there if he doesn't really want to be there. Having a break isn't really effective when one party (or both) isn't really doing anything to resolve the problems that led to the relationship breakdown in the first place.

 

My sense is that he lost interest a while ago and was too much of a chicken to come out and say it.

[thealchemist]

I am curious how many times a day would be routine to text him? If he just isn't a texting person and you are blowing up his phone it might be too much.

 

You said two days of no response? Is that common or were you stating a specific time?

 

If two days is common that is a long time. I would think it is that he isn't as interested or invested as you.

 

If it happened a time or two I might just chalk it up to random stuff.

 

You said you have communication issues? Does that extent beyond texting or are you mainly just referring to texting? Because in my opinion not texting doesn't always mean communication issues, which is a big deal, but texting aversion, not a big deal(to me at least).

[Mnickexe]

I was in a similar situation with my ex. He just know that something is not not working and if you would go back together, the same problems would appear again.

Figure out what went wrong in your relationship. Think about your communication skills, fix insecurities etc. If he wants to talk abount that, think through your both wants, needs and feelings. Read how to create a helthy relaptionship and what cause a toxic relationship. Make a list with things that indicates toxicity, focus on that, talk to him about that and try to repeir these things slowly

[catfeeder]

If the reason he wants to break up is due to pressure from you to keep in touch, then if you really still want this guy to reconsider someday, that can only occur on HIS timetable with some positive reflection on you. Well, that can't happen if you keep applying pressure to keep in touch, which was the cause of the breakup in the first place.

 

I'd dive off of his radar for as long as it takes for HIM to contact YOU. He's perfectly capable of doing that if he ever WANTS to. Pressuring him to do that only defeats your cause.