My girlfriend slept with her ex the day after we first kissed

[jenga1]

I was very close friends with my girlfriend for 4 months, all our friends knew the relationship was a matter of time, so it wasnt just in my head. After 4 months we finally kissed, and we have new been going out since. It is now 4 months into the relationship and she tells me that she slept with her ex the day after we first kissed, but that she has no feelings for him, she just needed to feel wanted by him that nightt, and she didnt even think we were anything back then so she hasnt felt guilt about it until now. For what its worth, I am 26.

 

The long and short of it is that my girlfriend slept with her ex, during a stage I assumed exclusivity. I know we did not discuss being exclusive as it was only the day after we first kissed, and I know it would not be normal to assume this, however we shared 4 close months together as friends before this, spending 2 or 3 days a week alone together. The night we kissed she told me it felt as though we had been together for ages as we has spent so much time together, she texted me to let me know she got home safe and said ‘you are on my lips and this is a wonderful feeling’. For me to go sleep with someone the night after she said that would be unthinkable. However, for her it was not even worth thinking twice about.

 

I still feel as though I was played, and because of this it makes me look at her differently to the woman I grew to love. The night we talked before we kissed, she said ‘I feel as though we are so close, and I would like to explore this side of things with you’. Her expressions of delight after we kissed were also a memory I held. The next night she slept with another man. 12 hours after waking up with him she texted me to come meet her and your friends, we kissed and had a lovely night. She wanted to end the night early because she was tired- and this was because she was up all night with him. The following day she asked me to come over for lunch, and has since told me her plan was to get me in her garden with my clothes off. She asked me to stay that night because there ‘was so many nice things to do’.

 

Now I am in a position where I cant look at her the same. I used to look at her as my precious girl, and feel an unblievable love fore her. Now i look at her an cant help but feel as though i dont even know her, she seems trashy and doesnt seem to be mine. I still care about her so much, and i want to feel as strongly about her as I did, but am wondering if this relationship is dead?

[kctiger]

I'm going to level with you. You were not in an exclusive relationship. Others may come on here an tell you that "you don't deserve this" and all that other ego stroking jazz, but the fact is she was not "yours" and so the expectation of being exclusive was completely in your head (as you even admit). You were friend zoned for several months which somehow gave you the idea you were all of a sudden in an exclusive relationship. Just because you kissed doesn't mean she can't do the same with other guys (and you with other girls) if there is not a complete and communicated understanding of what you two are going. There was not a mutual understanding of being exclusive so this happened. She fessed up to it, which is admirable on her part. She could have just never told you. I think you need to get your emotions in check, clearly communicate with her where you're at, and see how things progress naturally. There was a clear disconnect that first night you kissed. That can't be blamed on her. I think your emotions were way stronger than hers - which is obvious since she still had an ex in the picture. Are you telling me that in the 4 months of this friendship she never mentioned the ex? This never came off as a remote possibility to you?

 

Is the relationship dead? I'm not sure how much of a relationship you have, but it's dead if you don't both communicate. Calling her trashy is immature and petty. Have you discussed how you feel with her? I've got news for you. Women aren't ever yours. Talking about them like some trophy or possession is going to kill any shot you have at being successful in a healthy relationship.

[jenga1]

Many thanks for your perspective.

 

My issue is that I fell in love with someone who I did not think was capable of doing that. I did not think she would ever play me, and I did not think she was trashy. Weather or not my use of the word trashy is immature, is subjective. She wanted to sleep with me two days after she slept with him, I think it is fair to say that is sexually loose or 'trashy'. After she slept with me she berated me for not having an STI check recently, and told me she had one after every sexual partner, she told me she was not at all into one night stands and now she is telling me that this night with her ex was nothing more than that. That is why I have an issue with it, because she led me to believe she was someone she was not.

 

I completly agree that I do not 'own' any woman, and that came accross wrong. She says to me 'I am yours' quite a lot so it makes sense to me. Anyway, emotionally she felt like mine and I felt like hers, and now less so.

 

P.S. I really appreciate your time to read and respond to my post

[kctiger]

Many thanks for your perspective.

 

My issue is that I fell in love with someone who I did not think was capable of doing that. I did not think she would ever play me, and I did not think she was trashy. Weather or not my use of the word trashy is immature, is subjective. She wanted to sleep with me two days after she slept with him, I think it is fair to say that is sexually loose or 'trashy'. After she slept with me she berated me for not having an STI check recently, and told me she had one after every sexual partner, she told me she was not at all into one night stands and now she is telling me that this night with her ex was nothing more than that. That is why I have an issue with it, because she led me to believe she was someone she was not.

 

I completly agree that I do not 'own' any woman, and that came accross wrong. She says to me 'I am yours' quite a lot so it makes sense to me. Anyway, emotionally she felt like mine and I felt like hers, and now less so.

 

P.S. I really appreciate your time to read and respond to my post

 

This post clarifies things a bit and I am starting to sympathize with your perspective here. Honestly, I don't see how you can change your perception of her at this point. It seems like the damage is done and it may be beyond repair. I mean, do you honestly see yourself being able to move past your own hurt?

[abitbroken]

I know we did not discuss being exclusive as it was only the day after we first kissed, and I know it would not be normal to assume this, however we shared 4 close months together as friends before this, spending 2 or 3 days a week alone together.

 

So you were having an emotional affair while her relationship with her ex was still going on or just ending? Actually, if you guys were just hanging out as friends and you went in for a kiss and she didn't turn away -- that's kind of unexpected perhaps to her. If you were hanging out as friends, how was there any exclusivity? Maybe she went home and already planned to sleep with the ex and then she made the decision that she didn't want him anymore? I know this was not ideal -- i am curious as to why she even told you about the night with the ex -- but also what made you carry out an emotional affair with her -- seeing her 2-3 times a week while she was with someone else?

[jenga1]

I know we did not discuss being exclusive as it was only the day after we first kissed, and I know it would not be normal to assume this, however we shared 4 close months together as friends before this, spending 2 or 3 days a week alone together.

 

So you were having an emotional affair while her relationship with her ex was still going on or just ending? Actually, if you guys were just hanging out as friends and you went in for a kiss and she didn't turn away -- that's kind of unexpected perhaps to her. If you were hanging out as friends, how was there any exclusivity? Maybe she went home and already planned to sleep with the ex and then she made the decision that she didn't want him anymore? I know this was not ideal -- i am curious as to why she even told you about the night with the ex -- but also what made you carry out an emotional affair with her -- seeing her 2-3 times a week while she was with someone else?

 

Exclusivity was assumed (Apparently just by me), because she talked about how close we had become as friends. It was moments before i kissed her that let me know she was so close to me, and that is why i kissed her. Right after we kissed she said it was as though we had been together for so long because of the amount of time we spent together.

 

This is her boyfriend of 2 years ago, she had seen him every now and then but very much just as friends. She told me that night she did not plan to sleep with him but she wanted to feel wanted by him. I can understand if she wanted him to be nice to her and show an interest, but I dont know about sleeping with him. She even said she didnt want to have sex, she knew she wouldnt enjoy it and she wanted it to be over as soon as possible, but she just 'let it happen'. She said it was more about her than it was about him.

[abitbroken]

Exclusivity was assumed (Apparently just by me), because she talked about how close we had become as friends. It was moments before i kissed her that let me know she was so close to me, and that is why i kissed her. Right after we kissed she said it was as though we had been together for so long because of the amount of time we spent together.

 

This is her boyfriend of 2 years ago, she had seen him every now and then but very much just as friends. She told me that night she did not plan to sleep with him but she wanted to feel wanted by him. I can understand if she wanted him to be nice to her and show an interest, but I dont know about sleeping with him. She even said she didnt want to have sex, she knew she wouldnt enjoy it and she wanted it to be over as soon as possible, but she just 'let it happen'. She said it was more about her than it was about him.

 

YOU WERE NOT EXCLUSIVE IF YOU WERE JUST FRIENDS. I tell my female friend "how close we have become as friends" (meaning she feels like a sister!) It doesn't mean i romantically want her or don't want her to have other friends. Maybe she was considering it *just* a kiss with you and didn't assign anything more to it. Either way -- are you okay with this or not? She didn't cheat on you, if that's what you are asking. So you have to decide whether its just something that happened and you weren't dating or you were upset because you thougt friendship meant exclusivity. Also, if a friend kisses you you may not know for a little while if in retrospect it was weird or not, or whether you want to take it to the next level

[thealchemist]

I am going to give a counter to what others have said.

 

You really don't have a right to be pissed at her for something she did before you two were exclusive.

 

That being said... It sounds like what pisses you off is the fact that she can be so two faced. That she made such a big deal about you two then does that.

 

You really shouldn't be mad at what she did because you didn't set ground rules or anything. But I TOTALLY understand how this revelation skewed your perception of her.

 

If you thought you guys were so great and she still needed validation from this guy that would upset me too. I can understand how much of your relationship started on the basis of your beginning phase and now so much of it seems like BS.

 

If it made it feel too much like your relationship was built on a lie (not a lie but still broken trust) then it might have broken your feelings for her.

 

If you can get over it I would say that would be the best. She after all didn't cheat on you. Four years isn't an insignificant amount of time.

 

Has there ever been another big issue because her low self esteem and need for validation from men?

 

I think you need to take a long look at your relationship holistically and make the decision.

 

I will say though that if I was in your shoes I doubt I would have the ability to get over it. It would probably just ruin the relationship.

 

If you can get over it great. If you can't you have no right to try to make her feel bad or anything because she didn't technically do anything wrong, just end it civilly and go your seperate ways. But staying while you are resentful will just make your relationship toxic.

 

Next time have the exclusivity talk before you became so emotionally invested.

[Giblesp]

If you want a relationship where you kissed and thought about each other on the same level, building up to that time when you were together as lovers, then that is what YOU want and don't let someone tell you that you can't have it.

 

To get what you want you have to reject what you don't want. I'd feel the same in your position. Resentment is starting to build up also, which is why it would be best at this stage to call it a day. She shouldn't have said what she said after kissing and then banged her ex, only to come back to you afterwards.

 

Bottom line, she wanted to bang her ex while next guy is lined up, hence the sweet words to draw you in. Keeps you on the line while having a quickie with ex.

 

Sorry to be so direct, but I really encourage you to look between the lines and not get played.

[Giblesp]

Many thanks for your perspective.

 

My issue is that I fell in love with someone who I did not think was capable of doing that. I did not think she would ever play me, and I did not think she was trashy. Weather or not my use of the word trashy is immature, is subjective. She wanted to sleep with me two days after she slept with him, I think it is fair to say that is sexually loose or 'trashy'. After she slept with me she berated me for not having an STI check recently, and told me she had one after every sexual partner, she told me she was not at all into one night stands and now she is telling me that this night with her ex was nothing more than that. That is why I have an issue with it, because she led me to believe she was someone she was not.

 

I completly agree that I do not 'own' any woman, and that came accross wrong. She says to me 'I am yours' quite a lot so it makes sense to me. Anyway, emotionally she felt like mine and I felt like hers, and now less so.

 

P.S. I really appreciate your time to read and respond to my post

 

 

Christ. Dodge this bullet pronto.

[j.man]

I can assume I'm an astronaut but I doubt NASA will be sending me to Mars.

 

You weren't exclusive. You'd been in her life all of four whole months and simply shared a kiss. Neither of you had any idea where you'd be two weeks from then, much less several months. If she had the opportunity to have sex with someone and wanted to, there was hardly any reason not to. That you take it so personally is your own issue.

 

That out of the way, I have absolutely no idea why she felt compelled to tell you about it. For me, the red flag wouldn't be her having had sex with the guy, but her feeling the need to share. I'd worry about a future of drama due to her being seemingly incapable of internalizing and dealing with guilt she really shouldn't even be feeling to begin with.

 

Be honest with yourself, though. If you can't see yourself looking past this, then spare both you and her a toxic and resentful atmosphere and end it sooner than later.

[jenga1]

I am going to give a counter to what others have said.

 

You really don't have a right to be pissed at her for something she did before you two were exclusive.

 

That being said... It sounds like what pisses you off is the fact that she can be so two faced. That she made such a big deal about you two then does that.

 

You really shouldn't be mad at what she did because you didn't set ground rules or anything. But I TOTALLY understand how this revelation skewed your perception of her.

 

If you thought you guys were so great and she still needed validation from this guy that would upset me too. I can understand how much of your relationship started on the basis of your beginning phase and now so much of it seems like BS.

 

If it made it feel too much like your relationship was built on a lie (not a lie but still broken trust) then it might have broken your feelings for her.

 

If you can get over it I would say that would be the best. She after all didn't cheat on you. Four years isn't an insignificant amount of time.

 

Has there ever been another big issue because her low self esteem and need for validation from men?

 

I think you need to take a long look at your relationship holistically and make the decision.

 

I will say though that if I was in your shoes I doubt I would have the ability to get over it. It would probably just ruin the relationship.

 

If you can get over it great. If you can't you have no right to try to make her feel bad or anything because she didn't technically do anything wrong, just end it civilly and go your seperate ways. But staying while you are resentful will just make your relationship toxic.

 

Next time have the exclusivity talk before you became so emotionally invested.

 

Hey. We were friends for 4 months and together for 4 months, not 4 years.

 

Has there ever been another big issue because her low self esteem and need for validation from men? There has been a big issue, she was assaulted very badly 3 years ago and her ex was the friend that helped her the most, she then ended up becoming reomaticly invested with him and ended it when he showed little interest in her. She seems to have needed to validate her time spent with someone who was important to her during an awful time in her life. I am ocnfident that she is very much over him as she has said she wishes he was dead just becuase he could potentially ruin our relationship.

[thealchemist]

Hey. We were friends for 4 months and together for 4 months, not 4 years.

 

Has there ever been another big issue because her low self esteem and need for validation from men? There has been a big issue, she was assaulted very badly 3 years ago and her ex was the friend that helped her the most, she then ended up becoming reomaticly invested with him and ended it when he showed little interest in her. She seems to have needed to validate her time spent with someone who was important to her during an awful time in her life. I am ocnfident that she is very much over him as she has said she wishes he was dead just becuase he could potentially ruin our relationship.

Ah I misread the amount of time.

 

Well if it was only 4 months I would walk without a second thought, personally.

 

I wouldn't trust any of those declarations about him meaning nothing because 4 months ago she slept with him and said he ment nothing then too.

 

I will reiterate that she didn't do anything wrong because you two weren't together. But her behavior of sleeping with an ex and it ment nothing would make me worry about future infidelity with other people that mean nothing. Or exes.

 

But it does sound like you might be a more forgiving person than me so if that is the case then best of luck to you!(or if it osnt the case still wish you luck)

[Giblesp]

I can assume I'm an astronaut but I doubt NASA will be sending me to Mars.

 

You weren't exclusive. You'd been in her life all of four whole months and simply shared a kiss. Neither of you had any idea where you'd be two weeks from then, much less several months. If she had the opportunity to have sex with someone and wanted to, there was hardly any reason not to. That you take it so personally is your own issue.

 

That out of the way, I have absolutely no idea why she felt compelled to tell you about it. For me, the red flag wouldn't be her having had sex with the guy, but her feeling the need to share. I'd worry about a future of drama due to her being seemingly incapable of internalizing and dealing with guilt she really shouldn't even be feeling to begin with.

 

Be honest with yourself, though. If you can't see yourself looking past this, then spare both you and her a toxic and resentful atmosphere and end it sooner than later.

 

Respect a lot of what you say on this forum jman.

 

But in this case OP is entitled to have a relationship where he kisses after a nice evening, and then becomes lovers a short while after. It does happen, I've experienced it in every long term relationship I've had since I was a teenager. Maybe its old fashioned or something, but there are people out there who feel that way.

 

Kissing after a nice evening, she goes and bangs her ex, then they become lovers after.... doesn't do it for OP. Thats the way he looks at it and there's nothing wrong with that. He wants a woman on the same page.

 

And if she had been friends for 4 months, she probably knew that about him. So she should have been honest and upfront at the beginning.

[DanZee]

So your girlfriend's been cheating on you for the last 4 months? No. As other people have said, just because you kissed her didn't make you exclusive. She finished it with her ex and started a relationship with you. She's not a . She sounds very loving and caring. Yeah, she had ex sex but she's been loyal to you since. She really shouldn't have told you about it. It was a dumb thing to do, but she was being honest.

 

You got to get your head right about this. You're going to ruin it with your jealousy. She probably didn't know you were going to kiss her and she had the date with her ex already set up. A lot of girls are naive about guys who like them. How often have guys heard a girl tell them, "I had no idea you feel this way about me." It's quite possible she didn't know your friendship was something more until you kissed her while you've had a crush on her for months.

 

Look, try to put what happened out of your mind and concentrate on this girl. She sounds like a winner.

[annie24]

I can assume I'm an astronaut but I doubt NASA will be sending me to Mars.

 

You weren't exclusive. You'd been in her life all of four whole months and simply shared a kiss. Neither of you had any idea where you'd be two weeks from then, much less several months. If she had the opportunity to have sex with someone and wanted to, there was hardly any reason not to. That you take it so personally is your own issue.

 

That out of the way, I have absolutely no idea why she felt compelled to tell you about it. For me, the red flag wouldn't be her having had sex with the guy, but her feeling the need to share. I'd worry about a future of drama due to her being seemingly incapable of internalizing and dealing with guilt she really shouldn't even be feeling to begin with.

 

Be honest with yourself, though. If you can't see yourself looking past this, then spare both you and her a toxic and resentful atmosphere and end it sooner than later.

 

I completely agree with j.man. I don't understand why she had to tell you about this - it's ancient history and you didn't need to know. Plus, I don't like her excuse of "I wanted to feel wanted." I feel like she should be secure enough in herself not to need external validation because a guy wants to sleep with her. I mean - that's not really a huge accomplishment??? You guys weren't official or exclusive, so she wasn't in the wrong, but she didn't need to tell you about it either, especially not after 4 months. I don't see the point...?

 

That said, I also agree with j.man. If this is going to bother you, better to break up sooner rather than later. I remember some guy on ENA was with his gf for 5 years, and was contemplating breaking up with her because he was bothered she wasn't a virgin when they got together (and he knew she was not a virgin when they got together). But it's like - if you can't get past it, why waste your time and hers for 5 years??? If you think about it and the issue still doesn't sit well with you, I think it's ok to let her loose and don't feel bad about it.

[ShatteredMan]

I agree with jman and annie. Let this go as soon as possible. Regardless of what sense of emotional attachment and entitlement that you feel toward/from her, through her behavior she is communicating that she's not in a state (that you desire) in which she is ready to start a relationship with you exclusively. She is (more than likely) preparing to "overlap" with you but wants to keep the ex as an option in case she gets involved with you but doesn't fall head over heels. Even if she was completely done with the ex, blocked/deleted him from every form of contact, had a restraining order on him, etc......you're still setting yourself up to be a "rebound".

 

Don't you deserve more than that?

 

It sucks to break it to you this way but I've been in that situation before too - many years ago. The best thing I did was decide that I wasn't going to tolerate a situation like that and walked away immediately. I know that it is "ghosting" and people hate that out here, but in a variation of no contact, I started to focus on other women that were available and I found one that had a lot more potential in life than the one who tried to overlap with me.

 

About a year later, she reached out, apologized and we met up for a drink (we were both unattached at the time). Within ten minutes, I realized that I'd dodged a bullet and that she no longer was an object of desire or a woman that I could have a meaningful relationship with. We are still friends on FB and every now and again, new pics pop up of her with the family she started with some other guy. Glad that's not me in the picture.....

 

Think about what's important to YOU and make the best choice for what you need in your life. There are other women out there that are looking for a guy like you....

[itsallgrand]

I am ocnfident that she is very much over him as she has said she wishes he was dead just becuase he could potentially ruin our relationship.

 

That's crazy. She sounds like a wingnut ahole.

 

I hope you won't choose to ignore some huge red flags just because you technically weren't dating when she f/ed him. She's showing lots of signs of an unstable person who creates troubles - the lying, sharing what doesn't need to be shared, bed hopping, saying she slept with him for validation, saying she wishes he was dead ( that in itself - you should run).

[jenga1]

I know it comes down to this; At the time from an outsiders perspective, those 4 months of friendship meant little and so possibly it meant little to her, certainly less than it meant to me, and that is okay.

 

The problem now is that when I am with her sometimes she feels distant to me and that is because she seems less precious to me. The woman I fell in love with did not sleep around, and she had told me that she didnt sleep around and how responsable she was sexually. I know this isnt really sleeping around as there was history there, but it seems trashy and pathethic that she needs validation from her ex that she ended things with 2 years ago. More than anything it seems trashy and I have never liked trashy people.

 

If this had'nt happened, I'm positive that she is the perfect girl for me. Maybe i need to put my prudish thoughts to the back of my head. Im just concerned I wont be able to forget this and will think about it every time i see her- maybe the thoughts will get weaker and weaker... i hope

[Cherelle]

Let her go if you haven't already.

 

I will help you figure this out without writing fifty paragraphs.

 

If you fell in love with a woman that you were dating and she chose to sleep with another man and then two days later sleep with you, her morals and values are not equal to yours. Leave this woman alone and find a woman who is equally yoked to you. If you continue having a one sided relationship with this woman you will continue being on forums seeking advice for issues in your relationship.

[Longview01]

Whether you are exclusive or not bare little to me, what would bother me is that while you were starting your relationship and she was showing interest she went and slept with her ex

[Giblesp]

Whether you are exclusive or not bare little to me, what would bother me is that while you were starting your relationship and she was showing interest she went and slept with her ex

 

Agreed. Not sure why anyone would not be bothered by this.

 

'That first kiss was so special to me, that I went and banged my ex.' What a romantic, positive start to a relationship.

[ShatteredMan]

Agreed. Not sure why anyone would not be bothered by this.

 

'That first kiss was so special to me, that I went and banged my ex.' What a romantic, positive start to a relationship.

 

Pretty much sums it all up. Now go get tested and move on with life.