Love my old mum, but she drives me beyond mad.

[Giblesp]

So as the title says, I love my mother very much but since my father passed away she drives me insane!

 

She doesn't need any special help or anything like that, she's healthy for her age; early 70's. Since dad died its up to me to make sure everything is ok in her house. And therein is where the problem arises. I feel that she doesn't listen to a thing i say, so I have to say the same thing over and over again, day in day out, month in month out.

 

Its a form of mental torture to be honest. I'm grateful that she's alive and in good health, but I just wish she'd take it on board after I've said something a few times. She never seems to take it on board and just does it her way, and then I have to pick up the pieces which takes a lot more time. After a few years of it, I'm at the end of my tether and end up snapping which I naturally regret afterwards.

 

Trying to maintain my own career, health and home and then having to constantly repeat the same things to my mum.... its wearing me down. No other siblings, just me.

 

I know I'll miss her when shes gone and regret snapping and losing patience. I know I should try and have more patience. But its very, very difficult.

 

Anyone who's been through or going through the same, feel free to chime in.

[reinventmyself]

She doesn't need any special help or anything like that, she's healthy for her age; early 70's. Since dad died its up to me to make sure everything is ok in her house. And therein is where the problem arises. I feel that she doesn't listen to a thing i say, so I have to say the same thing over and over again, day in day out, month in month out.

 

Its a form of mental torture to be honest. I'm grateful that she's alive and in good health, but I just wish she'd take it on board after I've said something a few times. She never seems to take it on board and just does it her way, and then I have to pick up the pieces which takes a lot more time. .

 

There isn't enough info here to respond. What types of things are you suggesting she do and is it the end of the world that she does it her way?

 

I have an 83 year old mom who lives independently and I choose my battles, so I might know your frustration.

 

I just don't sweat the small stuff and outside of anything dangerous I trust she can handle things the way sees fight.

Even if it does make me crazy sometimes.

 

If she chooses to wear her clothes backwards (she doesn't) I figure she's lived long enough she deserves the right to with out any interference from me.

[Lisii]

My mother... haha - where do I start!

 

I agree with reinventmyself, choose your battles.

 

My 75 yr old mother is my stalker - she can not go a day without dropping in or ringing me umpteen times a day - she finds the weirdest excuses to pop in or message me (especially when I have friends over or at work) Oh and the negativity - everyone is horrible or doing something bad..

 

I just grin and bare it, she's my only mum and funny enough even though she is a big pain in the bum mostly, I would miss her if she wasn't around. - I try to give her an afternoon and evening a week with shopping and scrabble \triominoes - (she pops in so often that I really don't have much to say to her)

 

Can you distract her? give her a notice board and write down the things you are repeating, otherwise just agree with her.

Does she go out and socialise? Maybe get her into a elderly group (We have elderly walking groups, and elderly daycares where they do activities once a week (or roadtrips) - My mum would never join sadly, but it might work for your mum??

 

Good luck, deep breath when you are with her and remember she once changed your diapers and encouraged you as a repetitive toddler ;-)

[catfeeder]

What is it that you want her to do that she's not doing?

 

I've found it helpful to have the advice I want my elderly Mom to take to come from someone else. She takes what I say for granted, so I'd consider hiring a handyman to work 'with' you on any given project. Introduce him to Mom as an expert, and then when the job is completed, have HIM explain to her what you need her to 'hear'.

 

Whenever Mom behaves in accord with the expert advice, praise her and tell her that [hisname] will be happy to hear that she's following his instructions so well.

 

Sure, it's not the greatest solution for my own ego, but it gets the job done.

[Seraphim]

Yup, my in-laws. I might as well talk to myself or the wall.

[Giblesp]

Thanks for the replies all.

 

You all seem alot more patient than me in this scenario, going by what you said.

 

Well, to give an example my Mum will go shopping for me which is something that I do not require or need. I'm a fully grown man who has his own place and doesn't need anyone shopping for him! The main problem I have with it is that she has a bad knee that is stable but could get worse, that could affect her hip which gets sore.

 

The thought of her falling over carrying heavy shopping for an adult son who regularly tells her to NOT shop for him, fills me with dread. For three years I've told her how this would make me feel if it were to happen. I've had calm words, spirited words, pull my hair out words. Yet still she does it.

 

I'm not trying to take away her independence, its great that she is shopping for herself and does all her chores around her house. She knows I'm at hand should she need any help with anything, I sort out all the maintenance, organize her bills etc. And her buying small, light things for me from time to time is absolutely no problem. Then any heavy stuff she needs for herself or for guests I can sort out.

 

So its small stuff really, but the main issue in this scenario is her having an accident shopping for an adult who doesn't need any help and requests for her to not shop for him on a WEEKLY basis. The problem is also that my Mum has been one of those mothers who will never really recognize her kid is grown up and will always regard him as a child. That can be one of the biggest sources of contention and frustration between parent and child, and I always urge parents to recognize that their child is a grown up, even if he/she doesn't always act that way in their eyes.

 

There's other stuff as well, climbing on chairs to get things off shelfs etc. Never listens.

 

She'll listen to my suggestions on medical matters, and any work on the house that needs to be done. In those two areas for some reason, I get the recognition of being an equal adult who knows what he's talking about!

[Seraphim]

Just remember older adults are still that, adults . As long as they can be independent they should be . My father-in-law is 85 and has Parkinson's and severe dementia he has about half a marble left . And he still insists he knows what he's talking about . However we had a five hour conversation about keys . But he still knows what he's talking about . 🙄

 

Thankfully my own mother is in charge of all her faculties but just had a total knee replacement but she walks better than she has in a decade and she's only 71 not 85 .

[reinventmyself]

\

Well, to give an example my Mum will go shopping for me which is something that I do not require or need. I'm a fully grown man who has his own place and doesn't need anyone shopping for him! The main problem I have with it is that she has a bad knee that is stable but could get worse, that could affect her hip which gets sore.

 

The thought of her falling over carrying heavy shopping for an adult son who regularly tells her to NOT shop for him, fills me with dread. For three years I've told her how this would make me feel if it were to happen. I've had calm words, spirited words, pull my hair out words. Yet still she does it.

 

I'm not trying to take away her independence,

 

 

There's other stuff as well, climbing on chairs to get things off shelfs etc. Never listens.

 

She'll listen to my suggestions on medical matters, and any work on the house that needs to be done. In those two areas for some reason, I get the recognition of being an equal adult who knows what he's talking about!

 

Yup . . I think you need to let it go!

 

My mom loves to do things for her children, grandchildren and buys random things for me.

I ask her not to - But it makes her happy. So I gave up that battle.

 

She's a mom (I am too) and even though you are a grown man, she is still your mom and always will be.

Trying to talk her out of it is pointless.

It's hard to tell in print but it seems like you go as far as taking it personally. That you want her to acknowledge you aren't a child anymore.

That's on you. (if that's the case) Besides, most mothers don't like to be parented by their own children.

 

Bottom line. It gives her joy. Yes, she may break a hip. We could get hit by a car any minute for that matter.

When you become a senior and life starts to become small, it's these little things that make your day worthwhile.

 

She is likely hearing two things here. . you've touched on them both. `Stop mothering me and curb those very things that make you feel useful and independent'

 

Pick your battles because it doesn't sound like you are winning this one and just causing yourself unnecessary frustration.

I could be mistaken but it sounds as if you haven't had a real life altering crisis with your mom (and you will, because it's inevitable)

But when you do, all this will seem minor it the scheme of things.

 

Your moms simple pleasures is paramount at this point.

[thealchemist]

Man, listening to how everyone else deals with their parents makes me feel like an @sshole.

[catfeeder]

Thanks for the replies all.

 

You all seem alot more patient than me in this scenario, going by what you said.

 

Well, to give an example my Mum will go shopping for me which is something that I do not require or need. I'm a fully grown man who has his own place and doesn't need anyone shopping for him! The main problem I have with it is that she has a bad knee that is stable but could get worse, that could affect her hip which gets sore.

 

The thought of her falling over carrying heavy shopping for an adult son who regularly tells her to NOT shop for him, fills me with dread. For three years I've told her how this would make me feel if it were to happen. I've had calm words, spirited words, pull my hair out words. Yet still she does it.

 

I'm not trying to take away her independence, its great that she is shopping for herself and does all her chores around her house. She knows I'm at hand should she need any help with anything, I sort out all the maintenance, organize her bills etc. And her buying small, light things for me from time to time is absolutely no problem. Then any heavy stuff she needs for herself or for guests I can sort out.

 

So its small stuff really, but the main issue in this scenario is her having an accident shopping for an adult who doesn't need any help and requests for her to not shop for him on a WEEKLY basis. The problem is also that my Mum has been one of those mothers who will never really recognize her kid is grown up and will always regard him as a child. That can be one of the biggest sources of contention and frustration between parent and child, and I always urge parents to recognize that their child is a grown up, even if he/she doesn't always act that way in their eyes.

 

There's other stuff as well, climbing on chairs to get things off shelfs etc. Never listens.

 

She'll listen to my suggestions on medical matters, and any work on the house that needs to be done. In those two areas for some reason, I get the recognition of being an equal adult who knows what he's talking about!

 

Yur a luv, but you're creating a tension in your relationship with Mum that doesn't serve any purpose but to harm the time you have left with her.

 

I can appreciate your concern--I have a beloved step-dad approaching his 90th and a running battle with him over steep ladders, which has been a fail.

 

When an elderly parent doesn't harbor the same fears we do about their behaviors despite our protests, we get to decide whether to bring stress and tension into our interactions where it has proven to offer zero value.

 

I'd much prefer to preserve our relationship and trust that parent has demonstrated the good judgment to have survived life well beyond my years.