lovepink123 Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Hi everyone, My boyfriend and I were together for three years, we just celebrated our anniversary a week ago. We’ve always been great. We both love each other a lot and we’ve always talked about our future together. We talked about when we were going to get engaged, kids, jobs, houses, everything. We’ve had our share of small problems, but recently we’ve been better than ever before. Then, one night I messed up. It was my friends birthday party and I got extremely drunk. I know I was acting ridiculous and I was being awful to him. I don’t remember anything at all, but he recorded me so I could see the next day what I was doing. I’m so mad at myself because I was doing and saying things that aren’t me. That I don’t mean. I was saying things like “I’m going to find someone who treats me better” and etc on those lines. I can’t believe I would do that and I’ve never felt so awful about something. He won’t forgive me. I woke up the next day and apologized profusely. I said how much I don’t mean it and that person wasn’t me I don’t know what happened anything you can think of. And he broke up with me. We’ve had fights before, and even if we don’t really talk to each other we will always say goodnight at least, even if it’s a mad goodnight. Well last night I texted him goodnight and he didn’t reply. I feel so awful and I just want to cry but I’m also sort of angry. Why can’t he forgive me? We have this great relationship and I made a stupid drunken mistake and now our three years is down the drain along with our future? He also goes to his parents for everything and I’m embarrassed that his parents know of everything I did. Please help, I’m driving myself crazy. I’ve never wanted to be with someone as much as I want to be with him. What do I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Sounds like you need to quit kidding yourself that your relationship was so great. It doesn't seem like it was and the whole thing with his parents.....I mean....it's just....yuck.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Unfortunately, it sounds like your behaviour hurt him very badly, and likely embarrassed him if this happened in front of your friends. What else did he capture on video? Has this sort of thing happened before? It seems a little strange that he'd think to record you, but then again, if this has happened before maybe he knew to catch it on film so you'd see yourself in action. I have to wonder what sort of issues you have had in the relationship over the last 3 years, because suddenly ranting out of nowhere that you're going to find someone who treats you better seems off - unless you have previously had some resentment toward him or other problems that bubbled over after your inhibitions were lowered. It could also be that he'd been thinking about ending it prior to this night, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I think we need more info so we can better speculate as to what's going through his mind right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosephase Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 That isn't a simple mistake. That is abusive behavior in public while black out drunk. That is a LOT of mistakes. For my emotional wellbeing I don't stay close to folks who get black out drunk and become abusive. If a friend came to me saying that this happened with their girlfriend I would recommend that they break up. You are still you when you are blackout drunk. You can't point at that and say "that's not me" because it is. Just because you don't want to take responsibilities for those actions doesn't mean you aren't responsible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 You need to get ahold of yourself - if you regularly do that, you could be an alcoholic. BTW, forgiveness and getting back together are two different things. He does not want to be in a relationship with someone who blacks out and deserves to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't threaten to leave him. I think the best course of action is to consider it over and get some serious help and a hold on yourself. Maybe its also not "this one time" - maybe you have done this before and he has not told you what you did when you were drunk. And if you say "an angry goodnight" to someone, it doesn't sound like you turned into someone any different when you were drink. please seek help so when you get into a new relationship down the road, you are not like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Unfortunately, it sounds like your behaviour hurt him very badly, and likely embarrassed him if this happened in front of your friends. What else did he capture on video? Has this sort of thing happened before? It seems a little strange that he'd think to record you, but then again, if this has happened before maybe he knew to catch it on film so you'd see yourself in action. I have to wonder what sort of issues you have had in the relationship over the last 3 years, because suddenly ranting out of nowhere that you're going to find someone who treats you better seems off - unless you have previously had some resentment toward him or other problems that bubbled over after your inhibitions were lowered. It could also be that he'd been thinking about ending it prior to this night, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I think we need more info so we can better speculate as to what's going through his mind right now. My friend who was in an abusive relationship had recorded her boyfriend - she would play things back to him so he could hear what he sounded like as a tool to get him to stop at that moment. She also kept the recordings for when she was able to leave or get help because since he was well respected in the community, she needed to make sure he didn't manipulate her into thinking it was all in her head or in case no one wanted to grant her a restraining order due to his stature in their town. So, i don't think its weird to record in this situation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimthzz Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 If I were to guess, I'd put money on the idea that this is not the first time you have drunkenly verbally abused your boyfriend. And now you have lost him. I do not think it odd that he talks to his parents about you. He loves them and respects their opinion. especially on what to do about you, a potential life partner. I recommend you stop drinking--period. Then move on with your life informed by your recent behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 My friend who was in an abusive relationship had recorded her boyfriend - she would play things back to him so he could hear what he sounded like as a tool to get him to stop at that moment. She also kept the recordings for when she was able to leave or get help because since he was well respected in the community, she needed to make sure he didn't manipulate her into thinking it was all in her head or in case no one wanted to grant her a restraining order due to his stature in their town. So, i don't think its weird to record in this situation Yes, that's why I wondered if this sort of episode has happened before. I have actually done so myself, with an ex. The first time he flipped out, I was so taken aback that I didn't have the presence of mind to grab my phone. The second time, well, I knew what was coming and knew he would deny being such a jerk that I too captured it for him to see later. That is what suggests, to me, that this wasn't the first time OP's boyfriend has seen this behaviour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willdation Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Just be like - "I'm so sorry and I want to make it up to you. I will stop drinking lots. You didn't deserve that." And then just make it up...everyone says stupid things they regret sometimes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Those words came from somewhere inside you and the alcohol let them out. If things were so great where exactly did those words come from? If you love him so much why weren't you saying how much you love him? First you need to take a long hard look at yourself and how you have treated him. Have your actions matched your words? If you say you love him but treat him like crap which one do you think he believes? Your drinking is next. Why did you drink so much? Is this a habit? Take some time to get yourself straightened out and figure out WHY you said those things and while you are doing that leave him alone and let him heal from the hurt you hurled at him. In a month try and contact him and see if he is willing to talk. As far as him asking advice of his parents goes and you being embarrassed by what you did. They love their son and want the best for them and so if he seeks their counsel and trusts them that is his choice. To bad more young people don't ask advice of their parents.... Leave him be and work on why you treat him like this. If he talks to you again he will want to know. Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissy1187 Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 I had a similar thing happen in my relationship. I still had a lot of pent up issues from my previous relationship and when i got very drunk which was rare maybe 3 times a year, if that, I would yell at my boyfriend about how he didnt love me, blah blah..he ended up breaking up with me as well and i was devestated since i knew he loved me and things i would say just werent true. I have since realized that athough the things werent true there was a reason i had these thoughts and i was insecure within myself. I would suggest talking to a professional, no i dont think your crazy but sometimes talking to an impartial party can really shed light on why you lashed out that way..i dont know how to get your guy back because at the end of the day he doesnt know if you will do that again. However, im not saying he needs to deal with you acting that way..but if this is something that is a rare event he needs to understand that we are all human and make mistakes and it sounds like he is a little immature that he is not going to help you through this and understand why you did that..and him telling his parents everything is totally disrespectful and childish..yes he can get advice but it also screws you over. Its hard bc i can see both sides, but i think instead of focusing on him i would focus on you. I know that is bull to hear but its true or else you could do the same thing again if you get back together or in a future relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 Airing your relationship's dirty laundry to the parents is about the worst and most detrimental thing that a person can do to their relationship. It literally pits the SO against the parents and while the couple will likely make up and move on, parents rarely forget and forgive so easily. It's pretty much begging to create a very toxic negative environment that will constantly haunt their collective relationships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Airing your relationship's dirty laundry to the parents is about the worst and most detrimental thing that a person can do to their relationship. It literally pits the SO against the parents and while the couple will likely make up and move on, parents rarely forget and forgive so easily. It's pretty much begging to create a very toxic negative environment that will constantly haunt their collective relationships. We don't know if that's what he is doing or that is what the OP perceives. There are people who have really good relationships with their parents and don't actually tell them every little thing - but go to them for advice on major decisions. if he was really in turmoil about wondering if he should stay or go -- he loves her but no longer feels she is a future wife and what she did was scary - i don't think its "dirty laundry" to go to dad and have a guy to guy conversation for advice . I think bottom line, if you are embarrassed about people finding out what you did, then you need to stop doing that thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovepink123 Posted October 25, 2017 Author Share Posted October 25, 2017 Hi, thank you for giving me good advice. I know I don’t need to explain myself to everyone calling me an alcoholic but I would just like to say that I’m young, in college, rarely drink maybe once every few months, am a 4.0 student, and have a very prestigious internship.... Also I guess I should’ve added that we’d broken up before because he cheated on me and I had been seeing he was looking up other girls and when I tried to talk to him about it he would call me crazy. I also asked him and he did say I’ve never done that before. Which also every time we’ve ever been drunk (he was also drunk at this time) we’ve been surrounded by friends so if I were to have done this before I would’ve known. This is the first time we weren’t, and also the first time I’ve had this much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 Hi, thank you for giving me good advice. I know I don’t need to explain myself to everyone calling me an alcoholic but I would just like to say that I’m young, in college, rarely drink maybe once every few months, am a 4.0 student, and have a very prestigious internship.... Also I guess I should’ve added that we’d broken up before because he cheated on me and I had been seeing he was looking up other girls and when I tried to talk to him about it he would call me crazy. I also asked him and he did say I’ve never done that before. Which also every time we’ve ever been drunk (he was also drunk at this time) we’ve been surrounded by friends so if I were to have done this before I would’ve known. This is the first time we weren’t, and also the first time I’ve had this much. It doesn't make you less of an alcoholic if you are a 4.0 student and have an internship. If you drink until you can't remember what you are even doing -- you have a problem. And you would not have known because you didn't know this time until he showed you the recording. It doesn't matter if he cheated or not -- you are the one here asking for advice and you are the only one you can change. My friends ex husband didn't drink every day -- but when he did - it would be a bender. He'd have a lost weekend or would otherwise black out and say all sorts of things. Just because he didn't drink often didn't mean it wasn't a problem. If its the "first time" you had that much, what made you decide to have that much in the first place? Surely, you started to feel a little tipsy several drinks ago and as an adult you would have said "oh wait, this is affecting me, i need to stop..." You are very lucky that is all that happened and people didn't do humiliating things to you or take advantage of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 OP, you really needed to provide the greater context in your first post. This doesn't excuse your drunken rant, but it certainly makes the whole situation a lot clearer. You are still angry and hurt and resentful about the past (and that is definitely understandable) and have those insecurities that inevitable come with betrayal. The alcohol lowered your inhibitions to the point that you finally blew. Again, this is not meant to excuse your behaviour, but as I suspected, there was a lot more to this story. I think your relationship needs to be over at this point. It is already broken and this latest episode is evidence that those cracks have not healed. Why tie yourself to a guy who disrespects you by cheating and looking for other girls? Let him go so you can work on yourself and get emotionally healthy again. This dude is dead weight at this point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dundermiflin Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 I don't really think you have a alcohol problem. I overdid it in college plenty of times and it wouldn't disappoint me if I could never drink again. No alcoholism for me. I don't think the breakup is 100% your fault. He cheated and may still be looking to cheat. So sure you want to be treated better. Him filming you and trashing you to his parents... weak. I think his goal was to break up and make it your fault. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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