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Im in a relationship with a woman, who I love with all my heart. Our past is scattered and riddled with breakups all boiling down to one thing. A serious drug addiction and the habits surrounding it have spoiled our good vibes. I have made a decision to leave the drugs behind for good. I have attended my first NA meeting just lastnight.

 

The problem is that apparently I am a trigger for my girlfriend. She has associated my face,my presence with the drug use so much that it has caused her to not be intimate with me. I understand that this may be a defense mechanism, and not a personal choice.

 

However she also recently was unfaithful to me with another man-someome from her past. I forgave her for the incident ( as we have a past together and I am understanfing I hurt her very badly when I left her the last time we were together). But recently she reached out over the phone to another man she used to have sexual relations with- apparently for advice. The only reason I know she was talking to this man is because I caught her trying to be sneaky about it. She had gone upstairs to her moms place yo use the bathroom (she says) and received a call from him while upstairs. What she didnt realize is that her phone was on bluetooth and hiz voice came in over the speakers. When i came upstairs to confront her, she did 180* turn and hungup the phone. I knew in my heart that something was not right. She has reassured me there were no ill intentions and that she had reached out yo him dayz before for advice because he is an ex drug user. Fair enough.

 

But this incident was a few days ago, and now she wont be intimate with me in any way. No kisses, just a peck on the lips. Sex is out of the question. I give her bacl rubs and worship her every night. Lately she has had some medical complications and nausea, which I understand are legit reasons yo not want to have sex.

 

But now it seems she is just annoyed by me presence-she doesnt want to talk. She stares at her phone and ignores me mostly. Im at a loss because its hard to not beleive there isnt some other reason why she doesnt want to be intimate with me. For 36 years old, I have a fairly high sex drive. I dont know if I should keep being persistant in trying to make things work? Or if Im trying too hard and just need to give her some space.

 

I need your advice! Thanks

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I am sorry for your pain. I know that it must feel like a mix of confusion and rejection. I can't get a good read on her feelings as I am hearing the story from you but from a strictly outsider point of view I think maybe a couples therapy session would be a good way to gauge what is going on. I can almost promise there are a lot of feelings and wounds on both sides that need to be dealt with. Communication is missing here and neither one of you feels all that much trust for the other so it sounds like some major restorative healing work needs to be done or things will likely get worse.

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I can understand why you feel alone. You are alone. This relationship has been over for awhile and there is no chance of it saving if she doesn't want to.

 

How long have you been together? How many times have you broken up and who did the breaking? What are the habits that come from your drug addiction that have negatively impacted the relationship?

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Personally, I think you need to work hard and focus on getting rid of your drug habit and seek to reconnect with her emotionally. When was the last time you two spent quality time together? Went out on a date? Did something she loves to do? Emotional connection is a huge component of a woman's sex drive and I think you need to fix that before seeking to get physical. In fact, when she is feeling emotionally disconnected and exhausted from whatever drug issues you have, then all your attempts to touch her, even if it's a back rub, will be irritating. Besides, she knows what you are aiming at with it anyway, so to her it feels more like constant unwelcome groping. In short, forget sex right now and work on fixing the bigger issues in your relationship....if they are still fixable.....once you do that, the sex life will return. It doesn't work in reverse.

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I would concentrate on NA, not romance. That should be your only priority. It can save your life.

Totally agree. You'd do well to separate and maybe after a year or so of sobriety if you still want to be with her and she's single and interested, then revisit a relationship with her then.

 

You need to work on your codependency, your self-esteem and the reasons why you turned to drugs in the first place... not a woman that you have been on and off with your entire time together. You may very well find that after you have stayed clean for that length of time and have worked on your emotional issues, you wouldn't even want to be with her. You'll be a new and improved you and she won't be as appealing to you when you're well.

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