Recent Breakup... advice please!

[shopgirl9690]

Long story as short as possible...

 

One day, one of my co-workers introduced me to his friend. This was two years ago. (I'm 27, he's thirty eight) and I’d been single about a year and a half. I couldn't stand him, thought he was immature and wanted nothing to do with him. I just wasn’t really attracted to him at the time. I also think I didn’t really want anything to do with a man at the time because of my past. I’ve been in one long relationship for 7 years. We were high school sweethearts and it didn’t work out. He ended up not being the person I thought he was so I left. He really messed with my trust issues. So this new guy started messaging me non-stop asking me to go out with him. I tried giving him a chance and we hung out a few times. He ended up saying he was in love with me and couldn't live without me. He would text me desperately all the time. Shortly after, I realized that this man had a major binge drinking problem and all he wanted to do was party. He never asked me to dinner or on an actual date. All he wanted to do was party and drink. He was also extremely insecure with himself… always asking me “do you think I’m ugly?” His best friend pulled me aside one night and told me this. I ended up going my own way and not talking to him for about 3 months.

 

Then one day he messaged me again and was very sweet. Said he made a lot of bad choices but that he wanted to date me so badly and would do anything for me. He seemed very sincere and I decided to give him a chance. I thought to myself that maybe at 38 years old he realized he had met a great girl and wanted to change. He was good for a while but the binge drinking on weekends was still a problem. He would go from zero to 100 and I would always end up babysitting him. He would get really mean and say awful things to me. His friends were all surprised that he was dating me and would say “wow we can’t believe he got you… you are way too good for him” This was said multiple times from his friends and family. Many of his guy and girl friends would approach me and say "finally... he's not dating trash" They all told him not to screw it up. He would tell me all the time I made him look good and that he used to only date girls that were uglier than him because it made him feel better but now things are different. His friends straight up told him right in front me “this girl is so much better looking than you”. His friends again kept telling him not to screw it up this time and were so so kind to me. They threw me a birthday party, his family gave me gifts, etc. Then… he ended up getting his SECOND DWI. I was not aware that he had one previously and then I got a call that he was in jail for the second one. I went to pick him up and tried encouraging him and supporting him. I have a very caring and nurturing personality and always feel like I need to help people. So 7 months go by and we try to balance a steady relationship. He has professed his love for me about ten times. Saying I’m the love of his life and so much more. Always getting drunk and being mean, then apologizing. All we do is fight. I also caught him a few times inappropriately texting or snap chatting other girls. I called him out and he denied everything saying it was jokes and he will never do it again. That was 6 months ago. He’ll say his heart isn’t in it and doesn’t want a girlfriend and then within three hours he’s back apologizing and saying he wants a good life with me. Finally last week at a wedding his mom asked to speak to me privately. She told me that her son is selfish and immature and she is done babying him. She told me he doesn’t even own his house (I thought he did) and they actually own it. She said that she will not leave any money in her will for him but his two sisters because he is so irresponsible. She said told me I can call her anytime if he acts up and come stay at her house. His sister text me a few days later and said that I am too good for him and to leave him or it will be a life of misery. She said he has always wanted to be alone and not get married or have kids. (He had told me this before but I buried it because I loved him). She said that I was the only girl he had kept around or brought around for so long and that it annoyed him that I was “too good” for him and that everyone kept telling him not to screw it up. She said it made him feel pressured and that she felt he thought he could change for me but really deep down he knows he can’t. They both also told me that the family has a history of alcoholism and that he as a problem.

So, I ended up talking to this guy about breaking up and of course we got in a huge fight. He told me he said mean things when he was drunk was because he really wanted me to leave him but I wouldn’t so he was eventually going to leave me. He said his heart wasn’t in it anymore and that he loved me but I wasn’t for him right now. Of course I lost it and asked how he could of professed his love so many times and kept coming back to me if he really didn’t want me… He said he “wanted” it to work but he had a feeling of unhappiness. He has said that I didn’t do anything wrong but I deserve 100% and he can’t give me that because of his selfishness. He kept saying “if you talk about the past or things I’ve said you’re ruining any chances in the future.” Then he ended up saying “we tried but we will never date again because now you are desperate and pressuring me” yet he also keeps reiterating that he wants a friendship in the future. He said “lets take this time to heal and we can laugh about it later.” He said I don’t know his hurt and that dating me changed his life.

 

Honestly I am just so lost. How can this man have been so infatuated and “in-love”… all these people telling him these things about me and not to screw it up and now he wants nothing to do with me. Two weeks ago I was the love of his life and he was "done forever." I am so lost. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know that I was stupid for sticking around. Everyone says that. Maybe I need to value my self worth a bit more. I guess love is blinding and that's the only part I see.

[indea08]

How much more advice do you need? Your own post is full of advice! From his friends, his sister, his MOTHER.

 

Who you choose as a partner will greatly affect your quality of life. You cannot have a drunken man-child who wants different things every other day in your life!!

 

Look at this:

 

-binge drinker

-broke as a joke

-mommy owns his home

-HIS friends say you're too good for him

-HIS sister has told you that you should leave him

-HIS MOTHER has warned you of him (she has literally written him out of her will. That's not a small thing.)

-He's indecisive and can't commit to a relationship, let alone a marriage someday

 

Is this really the checklist you had in mind for a suitable husband? A suitable partner in life?

[kctiger]

I'm confused as to how you are lost. Frankly, there are so many obvious red flags with this guy and the fact his family is so upfront regarding his issues seems to be the most blatant of the flags. I would pay attention to all of these signs and walk away from this relationship. Countless folks have told you he doesn't deserve you. He has alcohol issues at the age of 38 and cannot seem to mature. Do yourself a favor and let him go because you deserve much better than to be little more than a glorified baby sitter. Who cares what he says? This is about you and your recognition of his actions and the words of his own family telling you, practically screaming at you, to get rid of him! Put yourself in our shoes and read your own post. What advice would you offer yourself if you weren't attached to this guy? I'd venture to say you'd tell yourself to dump the loser.

[shopgirl9690]

You're right. I truly think my feelings just blind me from really seeing what is happening. It sucks to be messed with emotionally. It sucks to feel rejected after someone wanted you so badly. No matter who they are. But I suppose that's where I need to do some personal reflection and growing. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

[DimCrayola]

OP, I understand how hard it must be to read the writing on the wall and I am going to point out some hard truths here BUT wanted to let you know that I am doing so only because I am facing something similar and feel I needed to read some of the responses I am about to share with you so keep an open mind when reading on:

 

Who you choose to engage with in a romantic way is a illustration of how YOU feel about YOURSELF. Your initial gut feeling was that this man was not for you - but you compromised yourself and tried any way. You did that again and again every time you accepted his bad behavior.

 

Every time you accepted his apologies you told him and yourself that YOU didn't feel you deserved better. You haven't set clear boundaries and seem to be co-dependent. Have you had a relationship like this before? One where your boundaries are stepped on and you don't quite know how to change that?

 

With that said I did all of those things too so I am not at all coming from a place of judgement. I feel for you because I know that pain and confusion you are going through. I am not through it all myself so I can only share the truth of what I'm seeing based on your post.

 

You may not believe that you are "too good for him" as his family/friends have said....your may not believe you are worthy of a man who is an adult and self aware enough to know what he wants out of life and love. THAT is where the work on your part needs to start.

 

Why would you settle? How did it make you feel to hear people tell you that you were too good for him? Wouldn't you rather hear "Wow we are so glad he found someone so great, he truly deserves it?"

 

I know it hurts but really there are some co-dependency issues here and once you get a handle on those - as I am trying to do - you will start to feel better about yourself, make better life choices, and invite more good into your life. There is no need to suffer for love...

 

YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH LOVE. You truly deserve to have a reciprocal loving relationship that doesn't leave to sick and hurt or having to accept apologies often.

 

Hang in there....and I am sorry you are going through this.

[kctiger]

You're right. I truly think my feelings just blind me from really seeing what is happening. It sucks to be messed with emotionally. It sucks to feel rejected after someone wanted you so badly. No matter who they are. But I suppose that's where I need to do some personal reflection and growing. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

 

Rejection is a part of life, as cliché as that sounds. You seem like a sweet person and yet, it sucks to be rejected. If it comes down to spending the rest of my life with a completely incompatible loser or suffering the sting of rejection, give me the rejection any day of the week. Your head will clear and eventually you'll thank God it ended. There are much better guys out there who own their own home, don't need their younger girlfriend to babysit them and know how to treat women and themselves. Keep your head up and go enjoy the life you deserve to have.

[reinventmyself]

You're right. I truly think my feelings just blind me from really seeing what is happening. It sucks to be messed with emotionally. It sucks to feel rejected after someone wanted you so badly. No matter who they are. But I suppose that's where I need to do some personal reflection and growing. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

So, I ended up talking to this guy about breaking up and of course we got in a huge fight

You were initiating the breakup and in turn he flipped you on the mat and you feel left behind. Don't buy into it.

He pulled a preemptive strike to assuage his ego and it worked.

So what, maybe you were left behind by an alcoholic loser. Who left who does not define you.

 

Going forward your goal is to recognize a loser when you see it. Not after everyone has been pointing it out to you for months.

Save yourself the heartache and cross the street when you see when coming next time.

[willdation]

So is there anything you like about him? Of course when you just say only and all his faults everyone here will tell you to leave....

 

For me personally, if I loved a woman and there were many great things about her, I would be there to support her in getting rid of a drinking problem and not owning a house wouldn't bother me one bit...you are in a relationship to give...

 

Everyone has their own poison so to speak. Maybe the next guy doesn't drink, but is a cheater...you will never find an angel or a person who is completely spotless..you just need to weigh in the good with the bad and see if there is hope to have a life you would like...

 

anyway, if this person won't put in effort to change after a long discussion, that is something else...

[shopgirl9690]

OP, I understand how hard it must be to read the writing on the wall and I am going to point out some hard truths here BUT wanted to let you know that I am doing so only because I am facing something similar and feel I needed to read some of the responses I am about to share with you so keep an open mind when reading on:

 

Who you choose to engage with in a romantic way is a illustration of how YOU feel about YOURSELF. Your initial gut feeling was that this man was not for you - but you compromised yourself and tried any way. You did that again and again every time you accepted his bad behavior.

 

Every time you accepted his apologies you told him and yourself that YOU didn't feel you deserved better. You haven't set clear boundaries and seem to be co-dependent. Have you had a relationship like this before? One where your boundaries are stepped on and you don't quite know how to change that?

 

With that said I did all of those things too so I am not at all coming from a place of judgement. I feel for you because I know that pain and confusion you are going through. I am not through it all myself so I can only share the truth of what I'm seeing based on your post.

 

You may not believe that you are "too good for him" as his family/friends have said....your may not believe you are worthy of a man who is an adult and self aware enough to know what he wants out of life and love. THAT is where the work on your part needs to start.

 

Why would you settle? How did it make you feel to hear people tell you that you were too good for him? Wouldn't you rather hear "Wow we are so glad he found someone so great, he truly deserves it?"

 

I know it hurts but really there are some co-dependency issues here and once you get a handle on those - as I am trying to do - you will start to feel better about yourself, make better life choices, and invite more good into your life. There is no need to suffer for love...

 

YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH LOVE. You truly deserve to have a reciprocal loving relationship that doesn't leave to sick and hurt or having to accept apologies often.

 

Hang in there....and I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Wow, this actually really hit me and I have read it several times today. Even read it to my mom and she completely agreed. I realize that I do have a co-dependency issue and I think that stems from being an only child as well as from my past relationship. Thank you for taking the time to reply and for opening my eyes. I am so sorry you have been through this as well. Nice to not be the only one.