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Physical pain "heals" my mental pain


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It's late at night and I've just finished crying for 8 hours straight. While reflecting on all of my most recent triggers:

 

I still can't find a good job after 10 years of searching, my almost perfect relationship just ended, my friends are tired of dealing with my depression and told me not to call anymore, my family lives over 1000 miles away, and I'm completely alone.

 

I've been suffering from Major Depressive Disorder for as long as I can remember. Almost everyday I feel like I don't deserve to live.

 

I have spoken to my counselor - that didn't help

I'm on antidepressant medication- that didn't help

I've called the emergency crisis line- that didn't help

I've tried snapping my wrists with rubber bands- that didn't help

I've been institutionalized many times- that didn't help

I've tried praying, meditating, going for a walk, listening to music, watching a movie, reading, playing games...none of which help.

 

All I have left is my favorite knife with the really sharp blade. After 8 hours of fighting the urge, I cannot fight anymore. About 10 minutes later I'm left with 6 bloody slices on my arm. They hurt. They burn. No doubt they will leave horrible scars just like last time.

 

But for some reason, I feel so much better now. I'm confident enough to ignore the pain on my arm and the bleeding doesn't bother me. I know it isn't right but what else do I have?

 

I don't know why cutting is the only thing that helps me deal with my depression but as long as it works, I'm going to keep doing it.

 

Is there anyone else out there in my situation? Have any of you found some miracle that helped you to stop?

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I haven't done it, but I've heard cutting only works for a little while. You might try acupuncture. That might be a substitute for cutting. And Chinese medicine may offer a shred of hope. There are also different medicines to try and maybe you need a psychologist or psychiatrist rather than a counselor. I'm sorry you're going through this. Try to hang in there.

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Cutting does only work for a little while but (for me, anyway) it's better than anything the doctor gave me. I've been seeing psychiatrists for years and none of them were able to help me. I'd like to try Chinese remedies but my job pays so little that I can't afford any sessions.

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  • 1 year later...

It used to have a similar function for me. The wounds made me forget my mental pain. I used to glorify it, as making the wounds actually felt sublime. The power to do it with my body, to have complete control over my pain made me feel like I'm thick-skinned and strong. But later, I started thinking that it was an indicator of my weakness and need, and I quit doing this after I started hating my state of self-pity. Since then, I try to take the aggression out instead of pointing it towards my own body.

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  • 4 months later...

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