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First, everyone, thank you for being so kind with me here in the forums. I really appreciate everything you've told me so far. Your suggestions and advice have helped me a lot.

Some months ago I was very insecure about what to do with myself... I was hiding my feelings from everybody close to me because I was too afraid to offend them... I just wanted to have friends, that was all, I didn't mind they were the only ones talking and I was just agreeing with whatever they would say. Some people told me it was not a healthy relationship though so I changed, I chose some of my closest friends; I opened up to them; told them about my problems as well. They were very supportive at first, but as soon as they knew more about me, they used that information against me...

 

One of them, I later discovered, had been secretly wanting to date me so, as soon as I opened up to her, she demanded more attention; she sends messages everyday and if I don't answer her immediately, she gets angry and makes such a drama... she starts playing the victim and says I don't love her, whatever comes to her mind. She's driving me crazy...

 

The other one has been telling my secrets to everybody else and mostly to this other one who wants to date me. It is such a mess now!

 

My other friend simply ignores me now... she only speaks to me when she needs something...

 

Am I just really that disgusting? So far, I have no one else to talk to so I thought I would ask you for advice because I truly don't know what to do anymore... It's not the first time this happens, though, I can't help but think there MUST be something wrong with me! Maybe I truly am too dumb or too weird for anybody? Or am I just plain unlucky?

Just to tell you, I've tried making friends in different kinds of places and situations: school, college, volunteering, the job, artists and writers, musicians, and others, having always the same result. I don't know what's happening, but this whole situation is making me sick!

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You might be so worried about your friends -being- your friends that you have poor friend selection. If you are deeply scared of being friendless you might be holding on to people who aren't a good friendship fit, just to have friends. Having high standards makes for better friendships all around. It sounds like one of your friends wants more out of you (dating) then you want to give. That is always a tough situation and it sounds like she is being demanding and emotionally manipulative. That's just unpleasant behavior. You don't have to be friends with people who unpleasant to be in contact with.

 

There is nothing wrong with you. Making friends is hard. Finding people we click with, who have space for us in their lives is HARD. Lives are full. Real connection is rare. It can take a bunch of work to find friends. When I moved cities it took me about 5-6 years to feel like I had friends in my city. And that was with a lot of active effort on my part.

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I haven't thought about it that way. You may be right...

Yeah, she's very demanding... she starts blaming herself when I don't answer her in time; she says she may be too annoying for me to handle which of course makes me feel guilty... I don't want to offend her, but, sometimes, she just gets on my nerves... I already told her I don't want to date her, but she keeps insisting to no end...

 

I understand... I truly have to be more selective. Thank you so much for your answer.

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I haven't thought about it that way. You may be right...

Yeah, she's very demanding... she starts blaming herself when I don't answer her in time; she says she may be too annoying for me to handle which of course makes me feel guilty... I don't want to offend her, but, sometimes, she just gets on my nerves... I already told her I don't want to date her, but she keeps insisting to no end...

 

I understand... I truly have to be more selective. Thank you so much for your answer.

 

You can't be friends with someone who wants more from you. Everyone faces these kinds of challenges and unfortunately, the only solution is to actually remove that person from your life so they can get over you and move on. Rude is actually continuing to stay friends with them because you are giving them hope that eventually you'll cave in and they'll get what they want. In this case, with all this bullying and manipulation, why would you want this person in your life at all? I'd have called it quits with her long ago.

 

I agree with above poster that finding good, true friends and connections is hard work. A lot like looking for a needle in the haystack and you do need to be selective. You may have a ton of acquaintances that you hang out with, but true friends will be few and far apart. Anyway, the whole thing about friends is that you aren't stuck with people that you don't like. You simply get rid of those who aren't good for you or to you and keep seeking better.

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The reason why I want to keep her friendship is because she's someone my other friends like a lot... I was afraid if I made her sad or angry, my other friends would eventually hate me as well... I am an artist and she is as well, and she goes to all of the artistic events here in my city so, every time I go to one, I end up seeing her. Guess I'll have to quit those activities for while as well...

 

I understand, thank you very much.

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The reason why I want to keep her friendship is because she's someone my other friends like a lot... I was afraid if I made her sad or angry, my other friends would eventually hate me as well... I am an artist and she is as well, and she goes to all of the artistic events here in my city so, every time I go to one, I end up seeing her. Guess I'll have to quit those activities for while as well...

 

I understand, thank you very much.

 

Don't quit the activities, but maybe try to distance yourself as much as you can for a bit.

Also, maybe when it comes to friendships, branch out outside of the arts community? Treat that like others would treat work colleagues - you will be friendly with colleagues but not seek close friendships and keep things more arms length. This little bit of distance helps people avoid drama at work. For friendships and personal life, people will seek out others outside of work, different interests, other hobbies, etc. Maybe it would be wise for you to compartmentalize a bit. It might help you to strike that balance of getting along with people you need to get along with, but not getting too involved to where it can cause you problems. At the same time, seeking out closer friendships outside the arts community so you have people you can vent to about all kinds of things, including those you work with, without getting into problems because the two worlds don't actually connect.

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I've been distancing myself from her, I haven't seen her in months, but my other friends (her friends as well) look for ways to make us two find each other. They invite both of us to the same events, activities, etc. I always refuse to go so everybody is concerned something must have happened between the two. They already suspect and keep trying even more... I hate this...

 

You are right at that. It was a bad idea to look for friends in the art community... I should have listened when others warned me about it.

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Just something to consider. People sometimes share intimate details about themselves in an attempt to feel intimately connected with someone.

If the timing is too soon, it creates a false attachment. At least one that is not based on trust.

 

You need to be careful who you share things with and wait until which time you know that the friendship has a solid foundation.

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Really? I didn't know about that... Never thought it would happen... I don't know if I want friends anymore... It's too complicated...

 

Learning how to use discretion is part of maturity, and there's no getting 'around' that for any of us.

 

Start with your trust meter set to a neutral 5 with everyone you meet, and then allow them to show you over time whether to invest more trust or withdraw it. Whenever someone demo's that they are not trustworthy, relegate them to acquaintance territory, and be kind whenever your paths cross in public--but that's it.

 

Not every friend makes a good confidante. As we mature we make different kinds of friends to meet different needs--nobody can be our 'everything' the way we formed best friendships as kids. We were blank slates then, and we could homogenize well with almost anyone. That changes as we solidify into our own personalities and start respecting the limits of others. We won't be everyone's cup of tea, and they won't be ours.

 

That's where discretion comes in. Choose your friends carefully, but respect their limits. One friend might make a good tennis buddy but is lousy at conversation, another might be a good shopping or book club friend but doesn't share your politics, and one friend might make a good confidante but won't go to events or parties with you. So learn the limits of people to discern who would make a trusted confidante and who would not. Continue to make friends outside of your current scope, and tell the nagging friend that you adore her but her demands for instant contact are something you won't be able to satisfy, and she should look to other people for that.

 

When your social circles have you crossing paths with some of your most unfavorite people, treat them as kindly as you would a stranger and move your focus onto the mutual friends. Meanwhile, explore your interests outside of one group to make friends with people you haven't met yet.

 

Avoid using statements that put yourself down. That will prevent you from learning self respect, which is the foundation for all relationships. If you don't love and respect yourself, you'll operate from the premise that there's nothing to love or respect about you--and you'll position yourself in lousy friendships. Change the language you use in your own self talk, and you'll change your perceptions about yourself. Switching the critical voice you use in your own head to one of an inspiring, encouraging coach will change your whole landscape into one of opportunities for the new and better friendships that you deserve. Otherwise, you'll settle for lousy friends because you won't believe that you deserve any better.

 

Head high, and stop covering over the best within yourself with negative self talk. Changing the way you speak to yourself and about yourself will change all else. Start there.

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Friendships are relationships, just as much as family or dating. You get to be choosy when it comes to friends. Sometimes its real hard to find someone you can respect an appreciate. There's nothing wrong with that. Think of it this way, some people have tons of friends, but its only because they don't care what kind of person their friends are. Just anyone will do. They have no standards. It seems as if you are a little more choosy with friends. Of course you will have less friends, if you take the time to pick people that you truly want to be around. Thats ok!

I don't have many friends myself... but I realized (way back in school) that I wasn't like all the other people. When they got in their little groups and hung out- spending their days making fun of other people, or gossiping... That just wasn't something that attracted me. And frankly, I don't want to hang out with someone that enjoys doing those things. I intentionally distanced myself from other people because (honestly) I just don't like people. I am an observer. I have always carefully studied my surroundings. By doing so, I saw a lot of things that other people just don't pay attention to. I realized that certain (most) people just aren't people I want to be around. There's nothing wrong with that. I am not mean to people or anything like that. I would much rather distance myself and be quiet instead of spending time with people and then saying terrible things about them because I realize I don't like them.

I hope my rambling thoughts make some sort of sense to you.

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Yes, thank you, they do. I sometimes feel like there's nobody for me out there...because no matter where I search, I always end up finding the same problem: when things get too difficult, everyone leaves me alone. It's been like that since I was a kid. I can say I am tired of even trying to befriend anyone, it will always be the same, I'll be alone... Guess Id rather learn to be like this forever...

I've been the observer for a while too, suddenly I felt like I needed somebody to talk to, maybe because recently there has been many deaths in my family... But now I can see clearly I was just looking for that support when I should be the one dealing with it alone...it's my problem, after all, I shouldn't bother anybody with it...

 

I also feel the same as you, that I am different, maybe way too different to anybody, too boring, too mature... People say I'm too serious, cold and intimidating. A girl once told me she felt as if I had blocked my feelings...

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No, don't ever think that because it's harder for you to find someone to connect with, or trust... that you should only be alone, if that's not what makes you happy. We all have problems, and having a friend that is close enough to share them with isn't putting your burden on them unless you rely on them to fix your problems. Listen, I found that out a long time ago... I watched my Mom get upset because my older sister constantly got my mom involved in her marriage when she was having problems. During a fight, she would call Mom and basically ask her to justify if she was right or not. This took a huge toll on my Mom. I watched her be very upset, many times as my sister selfishly dragged her into their fights. I swore I would never hurt my Mom like that, so later when I got married, I didn't tell my mom a thing. I kept it all to myself. I was being horribly abused... and kept silent. My point is, I could have used my Mom to talk to- just for support (as you were saying)but I was too worried that she would be bearing my burdens so I didn't open my mouth. But what I didn't realize then was that there is a difference between talking to someone as a support vs. laying burdens on them. You may just be deeper emotionally then others. There is nothing wrong with that. Its actually a gift. Don't give up, you will find a friend that understands you- You just have to be more patient then most people because you seem more complex. "Still waters run deep"

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Yes, thank you, they do. I sometimes feel like there's nobody for me out there...because no matter where I search, I always end up finding the same problem: when things get too difficult, everyone leaves me alone. It's been like that since I was a kid. I can say I am tired of even trying to befriend anyone, it will always be the same, I'll be alone... Guess Id rather learn to be like this forever...

I've been the observer for a while too, suddenly I felt like I needed somebody to talk to, maybe because recently there has been many deaths in my family... But now I can see clearly I was just looking for that support when I should be the one dealing with it alone...it's my problem, after all, I shouldn't bother anybody with it...

 

I also feel the same as you, that I am different, maybe way too different to anybody, too boring, too mature... People say I'm too serious, cold and intimidating. A girl once told me she felt as if I had blocked my feelings...

 

I used to feel the same, but I grew out if it. You will too. If I could rep point/thank catfeeder's earlier post a thousand times I would, she is spot on.

 

I remember believing that I was essentially unlovable, and that when people got to know me they stopped liking me. That I just gave off something fundamentally unattractive. I believed that into my 20s for friends and my early 30s for boyfriends. I know myself and others much better now and it's all much simpler than what I used to believe. The chances are that I gave off some desperation, which is not attractive. I was (am) introverted and had (have) resting [female dog] face, which wouldn't have helped. I'm also smart, which is alienating for some people (and certainly for me, until I met more people like me). I also never grew out of a deep-seated aversion to certain types of social interaction. I'm not a joiner!

 

But really in the end, everyone has their issues. They aren't all happy while you are not. I've gone on to have best friends for 20 years, a husband for 11 years. But many, many people have passed through my life and aren't around now. People move on, interests change etc. It's not personal, at least not in the way it feels where you think you might be friendless for life. You're afraid right now but that's not an accurate reflection of your future. You can stay you and you'll find meaningful relationships with others.

Edited by caro33
Haha, I thought I'd get asterisks with the b word but it just deleted! What if I was talking about dog breeding? 😊
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Thank you for your answer.

You may be right, maybe I'm too desperate, guess I shouldn't think about it that much.

I have to admit Im cold, I hardly ever express any feelings whatsoever. People say I am physically attractive, but with my "baby face" , only kids and teens are interested. Adults are too afraid to get close to me, they say it is because I'm too serious, cool and collected.

That's true, everyone has their issues, maybe I really should stop bothering them with mine as well.

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Learning how to use discretion is part of maturity, and there's no getting 'around' that for any of us.

 

Start with your trust meter set to a neutral 5 with everyone you meet, and then allow them to show you over time whether to invest more trust or withdraw it. Whenever someone demo's that they are not trustworthy, relegate them to acquaintance territory, and be kind whenever your paths cross in public--but that's it.

 

Not every friend makes a good confidante. As we mature we make different kinds of friends to meet different needs--nobody can be our 'everything' the way we formed best friendships as kids. We were blank slates then, and we could homogenize well with almost anyone. That changes as we solidify into our own personalities and start respecting the limits of others. We won't be everyone's cup of tea, and they won't be ours.

 

That's where discretion comes in. Choose your friends carefully, but respect their limits. One friend might make a good tennis buddy but is lousy at conversation, another might be a good shopping or book club friend but doesn't share your politics, and one friend might make a good confidante but won't go to events or parties with you. So learn the limits of people to discern who would make a trusted confidante and who would not. Continue to make friends outside of your current scope, and tell the nagging friend that you adore her but her demands for instant contact are something you won't be able to satisfy, and she should look to other people for that.

 

When your social circles have you crossing paths with some of your most unfavorite people, treat them as kindly as you would a stranger and move your focus onto the mutual friends. Meanwhile, explore your interests outside of one group to make friends with people you haven't met yet.

 

Avoid using statements that put yourself down. That will prevent you from learning self respect, which is the foundation for all relationships. If you don't love and respect yourself, you'll operate from the premise that there's nothing to love or respect about you--and you'll position yourself in lousy friendships. Change the language you use in your own self talk, and you'll change your perceptions about yourself. Switching the critical voice you use in your own head to one of an inspiring, encouraging coach will change your whole landscape into one of opportunities for the new and better friendships that you deserve. Otherwise, you'll settle for lousy friends because you won't believe that you deserve any better.

 

Head high, and stop covering over the best within yourself with negative self talk. Changing the way you speak to yourself and about yourself will change all else. Start there.

 

I'm so sorry I didn't see this message earlier, but thank you so much for your kind words. Thanks for the advice as well, it will truly help me a lot! Thank you so much!

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