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Is there something wrong with me?


Hoagy
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I'm approaching middle age and never been married and starting to wonder why?

 

I'm not that bad looking if I say so myself. Not Hollywood handsome but not awful. I try to keep myself in shape, take care of my personal hygeine and can dress up nice if I need to. I'm intelligent and fairly well educated, good sense of humour, urbane, sophisticated, debt free, etc. Never had any complaints in the bedroom department either.

 

I've dated my share of females but never yet found The One and beginning to think I never will. It's an odd thing but I can't help feeling that relationships are for Other People - not for me and I've started to accept it. I see other people in relationships and it's like there's someone telling me, "It's not for you, Hoagy. You wouldn't be happy. You're better off on your own" and so forth.

 

I've tried reasoning it in my therapy but it's like the answer to the question is behind a locked door. I can't get through it. I'd like to be married (I think) but, no matter how hard I try, I just can't imagine it in the same way I can't imagine myself walking on the surface of the moon. It feels unrealistic. I see other people getting married and they're not better looking/smarter/funnier than me. If they can do it then surely I should be able to but I can't. Something is stopping me. Perhaps it's something psychological and I'm unconsciously sabotaging my own chances by dating the wrong people. I'm always on the sidelines watching others play the game.

 

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

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I'm sure other people feel this way, but in modern-day culture, a lot of women don't want to get married for various reasons: job, insecurity, immaturity, trust issues, etc. If your goal is to get married, I think you have to ask right up front if your date sees herself getting married any time in the future. If they say no, move on to somebody else. I was in a similar situation to you, as I was 36 and looking for a life-long mate. I asked my wife the first week we were dating what her thoughts on marriage were. They were the same as mine. It showed she was serious about having a permanent relationship and after we bought a house together, we got married. It made it all seem very easy. So try try it in the future.

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Relationships I've had in the past have ended for all kinds of reasons. Some my fault but not always. I think a couple wanted more commitment from me and I was prepared to commit but just not to them. One wanted children and I didn't. Not then (I was only in my early 20s at the time) but I do now. Some I regret and some I'm glad I'll never see again.

 

I wonder whether I should get a FWB. Nothing too serious. I would like to have the friendship, companionship and intimacy and maybe that'll turn into something more over time. But I just can't picture marriage right now.

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this started out like it was bugging you, and now it sounds like it's a conscious choice that you are perhaps content with.

 

I've dated my share of females but never yet found The One and beginning to think I never will.

so you don't feel like committing because, as you say, you haven't found the person you'd want that with yet.

 

you don't mind dating.

 

is something about it bugging you?

 

 

are you worried because the person you'd feel serious enough about isn't within sight yet, are you worried you're missing some arbitrary "deadline", anything? or just wondering?

 

I've started to accept it.
started to accept it sounds like you're making peace with something you otherwise find unfortunate. is that the case or am i misreading it?

 

if you feel fine this way, enjoy it.

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In March 2015, you wrote this post, entitled "Don't know if I'll ever get married":

 

 

 

So, over 2 years ago, you were having the same thoughts.

 

Why do you think you might be subconsciously dating the wrong people?

 

Are you dating online? How are you meeting the women that you date?

 

Is it possible you suffer from GIGS? Grass is Greener Syndrome? There's always a better one, a cuter one, a taller one, etc.?

 

Or, are you just not the marrying type, which is ok?

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Hoagy, maybe you're gender confused...have you tried dating guys instead?

 

But if you're straight, what is it you're looking for a partner? Maybe you're looking for it at the wrong places...

 

And marriage is not a race...don't jump into marriage unless you really love that person...ok?

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Hoagy, maybe you're gender confused...have you tried dating guys instead?

 

I'm sure I'm straight. Never found other men sexually attractive in the slightest.

 

I'm currently doing a degree as a mature(ish) student, due to graduate in about two years. I've got a chance of a part-time job that will fit around college and that will help. But somehow I feel that even if I won the lottery and bought a mansion and a Ferrari and all other practical obstacles were removed, I still wouldn't feel able to marry. I want to but there's a psychological block or something. I don't know what it is. I get on well with women and enjoy dating but when it comes to getting more serious something in my head says "Stop!"

And I say "Why?"

And the voice says "Other people get married. People like you don't."

And I say "Why not?"

And the voice says "You're not allowed."

I'm like the servant standing with a tray of drinks watching everyone else dance. I can only watch but I can't join in no matter how much I want to.

 

I think I'm going to need to discuss this with my therapist. Maybe think about hypnotherapy or even past life regression if necessary. There might be some deep repressed trauma that I need to unlock.

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I'm sorry you are having these feelings. We all have things we don't understand about why we are the way we are... You could be on the other side of the fence... you could always be getting into serious relationships, preparing to marry the person (or actually doing so) and then a few years down the line psyching yourself out until you run away. Take it from me, Ive been married twice, & engaged 2 other times... then realize I marry these men because they love ME, but the part of me that should love them just as much finds issues with them that build in my head until I decide that its not what I deserve, and I run away. At least you have the insight ahead of time to know the difference. Bottom line is that if something is telling you that you aren't comfortable marrying a certain person, listen to it! You wouldn't be happy if you just ignored the thought and moved forward with the marriage, trust me.

ON the other hand, I do believe in the power of our brains. Another words, if you are having a certain problem, and all you can do is focus on it- The thoughts about it consume your every minute... I do believe it will be a perpetual problem. Ive noticed (for instance) When I start a medication, if I don't believe its going to work... no matter how much I try to tell myself it will work fine, that voice in the back of my head is still saying "no it won't" and then guess what? It doesn't work! Call it a sixth sense or something... But I really do believe our subconscious thoughts do have an effect on outcome.

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Hi Hoagy, I am not sure if this is going to be constructive but I feel I may be in the same boat. (Although I am in a relationship right now)

 

I have never been one to fantasise about marriage and kids etc. Most of my child hood friends are married with children (not me) I have had a couple of serious relationships, previous being 8 years and this one going to 2 (got our share of problems as you will see as soon as my post is published) But some things he says to me make me think that I am not capable of "real love" I live with him but cant physically see a future but can see me living on my own (I am assuming I will be with someone eventually) Whether it is him or not but its difficult to imagine. My partner is older than me and does say a lot to me, that I have actually never been in a proper relationship before and it has freaked me right now, the same as yourself. .... thinking am I just not willing to be happy etc.

 

I am coming up 30 myself. I don't think we are destined to be alone or anything. That's just total nonsense. We have just not found that special person/situation yet. I do think the more you think about it the more complex it gets. If you don't mind your company just enjoy it for now and your mrs right will be sure to appear somewhere. We cant compare ourselves with everyone else. Everyone's journey is different.

 

I know you probably think you time is not what you need but maybe you do. To actually clear your head. Go on holiday, get away, where no one knows you, where you can think and not be interrupted by the nagging thoughts in your head. Spend some time with parents, open up to them ?? After all they do know you way more than we do.

 

I do hope you get the answer you are looking for

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