glitterfingers Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 Encountered a few bumps in my LDR recently. My boyfriend and I are both 26 and have been officially dating since the start of the year. We finally (after many months of changed plans) managed to meet and spend time together as a couple recently for the first time. It felt so easy and natural and everything worked when we were together. Prior to my trip he had threatened a break up during an argument and then later mentioned that it had been seriously weighing on his mind because he was about to enter a very stressful and time consuming full-time job for his family while also being a single father to a toddler (and he goes to the gym 2 hours a day). He was already rather stressed and unhappy with his living circumstances - difficult family members, four adults in the house including his sister who has a toddler also and she is constantly in and out of mental hospitals. Because there's so many of them and a high stress situation, they get ill and there are arguments/issues frequently. He virtually never brings this into the dynamics between us but I guess it was a matter of time before this started affecting our relationship We had agreed to move forward with the visit and continue being together, but he said he will need more support and space for a few months. I literally forgot this in the midst of my own hectic lifestyle and after I got home from seeing him I was feeling very in love and wanting to plan my next visit. A few miscommunications led to a fight and he ended up raising his voice at me on the phone for being pushy with him when he had told me what he will need moving forward. We didn't speak for nearly a week, and since then he has been very scant with his communication. He has gone from texting 20 times a day to a few messages every few days (though there was an incremental decrease over time to this point). I thought he was breaking up with me and got seriously depressed, but he called the other night and I repeatedly asked him if he wanted to leave. I asked him why he hadn't broken up with me yet and he said he thought things would get easier but they have just gotten harder. He told me that he cares deeply for me but not enough that he can deprioritise his other responsibilities for now. So basically I've been deprioritised. This really stung at first but I'm gradually becoming more okay with it because I like having a bit of extra mental space to do my own thing too. However I am worrying a lot. Half of me wants to read into this situation, and the other half of me trusts him implicitly that he has told me exactly how it is, no less and no more. I am worrying that I'm only contributing to his issues and making it harder for him to engage/communicate with me by continually asking what he wants from the relationship and asking him to communicate with me more - it's really dampened the spark between us and yet he hasn't run for the hills. I'm sure some will say something along the lines of "you can do better" or "you should leave if he's not making you a priority!". But I'm not proud enough to think that I should always come first and if I don't then I should leave. I'm also not in that headspace right now, he's my person and I want/need to be there for him. People deal with husbands/partners who are deployed or overseas for periods of time and manage to pull through, so I haven't lost hope. I simply don't know how to act right now to be supportive and undemanding of him so that this relationship is a safe space rather than just another concern/chore that he has to attend to because I'm upset. It's hard because we are moving forward without a guarantee of when he'll have time but just that he'll try and find time. So I guess I have two questions. 1. Would you do this for someone you love? Continue a relationship with considerably reduced communication for a while with the view that it will improve? 2. How do I communicate with him so that communication isn't strained and I'm not adding to his problems? It's taken me a month or so to adjust to the reduced presence from him (and I visited for a week in that time, so there was that). Honestly, I've kicked and screamed about it because I assumed the worst. I am surprised he hasn't left me yet Link to comment
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