Insecurities are ruining my life and my relationship

[GodHelpASista]

I feel like I’m on a downward spiral and I don’t even know where to start.

I don’t want to bore anybody so I’ll keep this as short as I possibly can.

I am the most negative person I know. I have always been insecure, jealous, and everything that goes with it. I can’t think of anything positive in any aspect of life, something negative always takes over and I think about it until I think myself into a depressed mood. Especially my relationship.

Been with my partner for 2 years I love him dearly he is a great partner everything I could ask for in a partner. we were “unofficial” for almost a year, he had been in a terrible relationship which ended horribly and I understood he didn’t want to jump into anything serious as he hadn’t been in a relationship since, (4years prior).

Last night, although everything was fine we were talking about our days and how Work had been etc. Then I blurt out “did you sleep with anyone in that time we were unofficial” he got mad because he said I always bring up the past and am always negative for no reason. I believe he slept with someone before we got together but he says he didn’t. I’ve got no reason to doubt him and even if he did then surely it’s irrelevant because we weren’t together, he’s always been loyal to me since we’ve been a couple, and I just get these ridiculous ideas in my head about the past, and things in the future which could happen but haven’t happened yet. This is about the 100th time I’ve argued with him over something like this when my thoughts take over. My other half is getting seriously tired of my and giving him the third degree about things that I think happened before we got together. I am behaving extremely irrationally, I am insanely jealous and I can’t stop my mind from thinking the worst scenario in every situation even when I’ve got no reason to.

Please can someone give me some constructive advice as I feel I’m ruining my relationship and possibly my life.

I have considered counselling and/or therapy, I just don’t know where to start. I feel sorry for my boyfriend, I am out of control. I don’t really know why he is still with me.

[caro33]

Yes, get counselling, something like cognitive behavioural therapy. You'll feel more in control the minute you make the appointment.

You start with counselling/therapy in a number of ways, depending on where you are. Here in Australia you can go to a general practice doctor and they can recommend someone, even get you a subsidy for a few sessions if you agree.

You might even want to take your boyfriend with you if he agrees.

I believe you can solve this and manage the fear, you just need the right tools.

[PICCOLLO]

Insecurity will eat away at you. Its important you face it and deal with it.

 

You've asked him if he slept with anyone when you were unofficial and he said no. You either trust him or you don't. If you don't then you have a relationship without trust. Thats a deal breaker.

 

If you want to be with him then you have to deal with the doubt and trust him. This insecurity isnt really about him, its about you. Id suggest you start by googling relationship insecurity. Perhaps understanding the causes and how to change your mindset might help.

 

Id like to point out that if he did sleep with someone when you were unofficial (sounds like he didnt) then he technically didnt do anything wrong. Yes, its not ideal however.

 

He will eventually leave if this continues. It sounds like he loves you very much as he tries to deal with it when you make accusations.

[GodHelpASista]

Insecurity will eat away at you. Its important you face it and deal with it.

 

You've asked him if he slept with anyone when you were unofficial and he said no. You either trust him or you don't. If you don't then you have a relationship without trust. Thats a deal breaker.

 

If you want to be with him then you have to deal with the doubt and trust him. This insecurity isnt really about him, its about you. Id suggest you start by googling relationship insecurity. Perhaps understanding the causes and how to change your mindset might help.

 

Id like to point out that if he did sleep with someone when you were unofficial (sounds like he didnt) then he technically didnt do anything wrong. Yes, its not ideal however.

 

He will eventually leave if this continues. It sounds like he loves you very much as he tries to deal with it when you make accusations.

 

Thanks so much for your reply.

Yeah I agree, if he did sleep with someone I already know that he’s not in the wrong technically. I don’t know why I’m thinking about it in the first place that’s my issue. But yeah I’ll definitey take your advice because this is becoming an ongoing problem and my other half definitely doesn’t deserve it.

[No1]

If you are working you can see if your job has an EAP that you can take advantage of. Employee Assistance Program is there for you to use and it doesnt only have to be about work. You can see if you get counseling sessions for free or at a reduced cost.

[catfeeder]

I have considered counselling and/or therapy, I just don’t know where to start.

 

Look up a list of counselors on your insurance plan or government program. Dial the number of the one closest to you and check their availability for an assessment. Make the appointment. Dial the number of the one next closest to you. If their availability is sooner than the first, make the appointment and cancel the first one unless he or she can see you even sooner than the second.

 

Do this until you find the earliest possible appointment, and then go to the appointment. The counselor will answer your questions about how to begin.

 

I'd also reconsider any beliefs you may hold about not owning control of your own behavior as well as your beliefs. The most important change you can make is the critical voice your run in your own head. That's habitual, and like any habit, it can be changed. Are you willing to change it?