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In a pickle regarding love life


mdumi

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I've been told I'm too categorical, but the way I see it, there is always a reason for my opinions. A logical one.

I'm wondering whether if my turbulent nature is off-putting and not just to potential dates.

You've touched on this more than once, that combined with the way you express yourself. You come across very black and white. Almost aggressive, especially with your frustration that after a few posts, we don't have a categorical answer for you.

Maybe you are onto something after all.

 

Now time to attempt forcefulness. It's the result that matters, after all.

Let me know how that works for you.

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You've touched on this more than once, that combined with the way you express yourself. You come across very black and white. Almost aggressive, especially with your frustration that after a few posts, we don't have a categorical answer for you.

Maybe you are onto something after all.

 

Now time to attempt forcefulness. It's the result that matters, after all.

Let me know how that works for you.

 

It's already worked for me. Someone (yourself) replied after a year in limbo. And (maybe) thought about the issue (though, like so many before, the answers were not forthcoming). So yeah, it worked.

 

Literally hundreds of people parse these forums. None have any answers? That's not frustration, amigo, it's despair.... Things that scare me I tend to reply to with force, which is probably what causes my....edginess.

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that combined with the way you express yourself

 

I try to express myself....for lack of a better term....scientifically. In as much detail as possible, because that leads to best results from people attempting to help. I think I've been cordial enough, if you'd be so kind to read the rest of the posts....but patience is not my most well developed virtue.

 

Define "black and white". I don't see things as black and white in the sense of good or evil... mostly as useful or useless.

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I would ask katrina, if she'd be kind enough to answer, whether what she defines as "chemistry" is mere emotional connection? And if said chemistry is possible outside of a relationship (in which case it is mere friendship)? And if it can be cultivated, or is simply there (in which case it is simply matching pathologies; I get the feeling we chase after people that display similar pathologies to our own)?

And if 29 is too late? I don't understand it. By the time someone is 30 he will have gone through four romantic phases:

1) The awkward/puppy phase, where people are attracted, but stumble into one another. Roughly corresponds to high school. People learn what love, romance, sex and other such things are.

2) The wild phase, where people armed with that prior knowledge indulge in all sorts of relationships to see what they like. One-night stands, wild passions, crying and break-ups, makeups, etc. Roughly from 20 to 25.

3) The freedom phase, that lasts from 25 to 30 years, where people are very calm and collected in their romantic views. They've tried everything, and now they simply enjoy life, and want new sensations.

4) The settling down phase, where life slows down, and people start to try to settle. Post 30.

Whelp...my lack of romantic experience makes me very boring. Someone who is 25, and has already tried basically everything will want to have nothing to do with me. I'm competing in a marathon, and I haven't even learned to crawl. Women don't want a kid to raise, they want a man. I...offer nothing I fear.

So...is the above analysis wrong? And if it is, where is it wrong? not a general answer but a point to point "this is where you're rubbish" one.

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I would ask katrina, if she'd be kind enough to answer, whether what she defines as "chemistry" is mere emotional connection?

 

 

To answer your question, to me, chemistry, that "energy" between two people, involves a mutual connection of course. It's more a mental connection though, the "emotional" connection takes time to develop, with some a short time, with others longer.

 

Generally speaking, it's that feeling you have when you meet someone that you've known them forever, a certain comfort, a natural mental connection that requires little to no effort. It just "exists." It's easy.

 

You can feel chemistry with friends. I have and we've gone on to become very good friends!

 

I've met others and don't feel that energy, and we haven't become friends.

 

What differentiates romantic chemistry from friendship chemistry is sexual attraction. But both begin with a natural mental connection, imo.

 

Have you ever felt that chemistry/energy/connection with someone upon first meeting them mdumi? Talking with them?

 

I hope my explanation doesn't sound too pedestrian; energy between people is a bit difficult to explain in words. It's intangible and something you just "feel."

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To answer your question, to me, chemistry, that "energy" between two people, involves a mutual connection of course. It's more a mental connection though, the "emotional" connection takes time to develop, with some a short time, with others longer.

 

Generally speaking, it's that feeling you have when you meet someone that you've known them forever, a certain comfort, a natural mental connection that requires little to no effort. It just "exists." It's easy.

 

You can feel chemistry with friends. I have and we've gone on to become very good friends!

 

I've met others and don't feel that energy, and we haven't become friends.

 

What differentiates romantic chemistry from friendship chemistry is sexual attraction. But both begin with a natural mental connection, imo.

 

Have you ever felt that chemistry/energy/connection with someone upon first meeting them mdumi? Talking with them?

 

I hope my explanation doesn't sound too pedestrian; energy between people is a bit difficult to explain in words. It's intangible and something you just "feel."

 

Upon first meeting them? I get along with quite a few people, but I can't seem to remember my first meeting with them. "Natural" mental connection.... I adapt to the person I'm talking with. Whatever they're into, I get into. My personality is putty to mold. I'd be nice to have a natural connection, but there's nothing natural about my interests and personality, it's all cause and effect, determined by outside factors.

 

That said, I have many good friends, so obviously people feel connected to me. I guess what I lack is being an object of attraction then? Am I that exhilaratingly ugly, I wonder?....

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You seem very rigid. Outside of being "stormy," you seem like you are devoid of a lot of emotion...very clinical. Movies are mostly entertainment and not necessarily meant to be some life-changing experience. Why not just enjoy the movie for what it is...fun, scary, action, romance...whatever. It's a source of entertainment, a conversation starter. I've had numerous conversations with coworkers about a show we both like and then we start talking about other stuff. Someone asks a question. Someone complains. Someone consoles. Someone has something funny to share.

 

Back to "stormy." A couple of your descriptions are about how people you know or have known since high school, are a little afraid of you; afraid to set you off. That is definitely something to work on. What are you doing? What are your actions, demeanor, or behavior that makes you look like you could blow at any moment? Is your facial expression angry? Is your body language angry? Can you work on changing that? Have a pleasant tone? Practice what a happy face feels like...not a full grin at all times, but a softer, happier facial tone so it seems you're closer to a smile than a rant when you're going about your day and your face is more neutral? Does this make sense? If you're walking around looking like a powder keg, women will avoid you. I have dated men of your culture, and their very strong personality and demanding demeanor can be quite intimidating. It is also my heritage. I don't know if you're in the US or in your country of origin, so it's a little difficult to really gauge "normal" in your culture, but to me, softening up a bit might help you out.

 

Outside of that, I don't really know. I talk to strangers. Sometimes with these meetup groups, people know each other and it can be a little cliquey and hard to wedge yourself in, so I understand your difficulty there. These groups are to meet strangers...it's the meetup's "job," so somehow you have to find a way to engage with these strangers. You're meeting over a common interest, and that's the ice-breaker. If you meetup with a movie group and downplay the movie and can't find anything good about it, lament that it didn't change your life, people aren't going to want to talk further. It was "Baby Driver." What life-changing experience was supposed to happen? Maybe don't focus so much on women, but get closer to some of the guys, and watch how the guy interacts with the ladies and other men in camaraderie, and see if you can mirror that behavior or recognize where you're falling short. Then you'll start talking to the ladies much easier. It's always useful to have a wingman. You can do this now with your friends, I hope. Are your friends all tied up in a clique and/or coupled up, or do they talk to strangers, flirt, pick up chicks or dudes? Watch them and how they interact and see if you can do the same.

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Hello!

 

About the experience or lack thereof regarding relationships. I’ve known people who have had only one relationship ever, and are married to this day. A relationship involves being able to compromise with each other, and having mutual trust. As long as you communicate what your needs are and what your expectations are, you will be fine.

 

Confidence. A woman likes a man to be confident. If you aren’t confident, then that could be a reason girls shy away.

 

The gym is a wonderful place to meet a girl. My husband first asked me out at our gym.

 

Please re think the online dating. If nothing else this could give you some practice for when you meet the girl of your dreams. You don’t even have to meet them. You could just talk, and get some practice that way. :)

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Well, in the intervening time of the first post, I have tried and am trying Tinder. However NONE of my matchups feel any need to reply to me. I'm mostly monologuing, and it's extremely frustrating. Why even bother to have an account if you never check it?..

The reason I'm worried is that even though other men are just as demanding (or even moreso; I myself tend to be rather undemanding except for communication; I'm talky) they seem to do ok.

Hell 16-17 year old teenagers with abysmal self confidence get into relationships, why not me? There's tons of people who don't like themselves in relationships, so why not me? It's like it falls into their dammed lap.

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Hell 16-17 year old teenagers with abysmal self confidence get into relationships, why not me? There's tons of people who don't like themselves in relationships, so why not me? It's like it falls into their dammed lap.

 

I suspect that opportunities to connect are there, but that you fail to recognize them. In real life, not on Tinder. I'm not just talking romantic connection, but friendships, too.

 

Seriously think about this. How do you explain opportunities falling in other peoples' laps, but not yours? Magic?

 

You can't really hide behind "I'm an engineer," because many engineers do have successful relationships and make great friends.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I don't know about the socialisation bit... it kinda depends on my mood. If I'm my usual self (mostly cheery and laid-back) then I tend to find people boring (or, rather, people I'm not immediately attracted to) so, like one avoids extra effort, I tend to avoid long discussions with them. To put it bluntly, I rarely try to rekindle a conversation with someone I'm not interested in, because... why bother? I deal in nuclear-thermal rockets, or space concepts, or nuclear reactors, or missile technology, or history and geopolitics... these are not things people know about (hell, even my workmates seem very shallow to me; I'm a walking encyclopedia of past projects, physics concepts, blueprints, etc compared to most of them; and I avoid the ones that are not so, because, well, they be dorks and male to boot). If I'm in one of my bad moods, well... depending on how well I'm doing I either become less talky, or very tense and judgemental (up to the point of literally punching walls, though I rarely get that bad; maybe once every three months).

I'm not saying I'm clinical due to being an engineer. I'm saying the reverse :p .

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Ok, we can roughly divide people's emotional lives into three phases:

1) experimental phase, which starts in high-school and can last to say 23-24-25, and involves a lot of hot and heavy learning.

2) freedom phase, where people find jobs,start careers and go on weekend trips to the mountains every weekend (because they now have the money and freedom to do it)

3) settling down phase, where all of the above gets boring, and we tend to want to settle. Around 30-35.

Whelp I've missed out on the first two. How can I get them back? How can I cram as much experience as other people have in 10 in only 1-2?

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I don't know about the socialisation bit... it kinda depends on my mood. If I'm my usual self (mostly cheery and laid-back) then I tend to find people boring (or, rather, people I'm not immediately attracted to) so, like one avoids extra effort, I tend to avoid long discussions with them. To put it bluntly, I rarely try to rekindle a conversation with someone I'm not interested in, because... why bother? I deal in nuclear-thermal rockets, or space concepts, or nuclear reactors, or missile technology, or history and geopolitics... these are not things people know about (hell, even my workmates seem very shallow to me; I'm a walking encyclopedia of past projects, physics concepts, blueprints, etc compared to most of them; and I avoid the ones that are not so, because, well, they be dorks and male to boot). If I'm in one of my bad moods, well... depending on how well I'm doing I either become less talky, or very tense and judgemental (up to the point of literally punching walls, though I rarely get that bad; maybe once every three months).

I'm not saying I'm clinical due to being an engineer. I'm saying the reverse :p

 

Whelp I've missed out on the first two. How can I get them back? How can I cram as much experience as other people have in 10 in only 1-2?

.

My vote would go for a major change in attitude. When reading your above post it comes across as if you think you're some kind of genius and the world should fall at your feet. It also comes across that you care very little about anyone else but yourself. You seem to look down on people as if they are lesser than you, so not too surprising that you have zero luck in relationships (imo).

 

Therapy would be a really good idea and a major change in attitude.

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My vote would go for a major change in attitude. When reading your above post it comes across as if you think you're some kind of genius and the world should fall at your feet. It also comes across that you care very little about anyone else but yourself. You seem to look down on people as if they are lesser than you, so not too surprising that you have zero luck in relationships (imo).

 

I second this.

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My vote would go for a major change in attitude. When reading your above post it comes across as if you think you're some kind of genius and the world should fall at your feet. It also comes across that you care very little about anyone else but yourself. You seem to look down on people as if they are lesser than you, so not too surprising that you have zero luck in relationships (imo).

 

Therapy would be a really good idea and a major change in attitude.

 

I third it

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  • 2 months later...

Let me get this straight: you guys think a line... this line:

"How can I cram as much experience as other people have in 10 in only 1-2?"

Means I have an arrogant attitude?

No, it means I'm stating the issue. It's like a job interview: who's better? The guy with no experience, or the guy with X years experience? Obviously, the second, especially since, at this age group, I can only apply to senior positions (entry level relationships are...what? 18-20 years? )

Why is this so hard to understand?

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Let me get this straight: you guys think a line... this line:

"How can I cram as much experience as other people have in 10 in only 1-2?"

Means I have an arrogant attitude?

No, it means I'm stating the issue. It's like a job interview: who's better? The guy with no experience, or the guy with X years experience? Obviously, the second, especially since, at this age group, I can only apply to senior positions (entry level relationships are...what? 18-20 years? )

Why is this so hard to understand?

 

Yet another way in which your intellect surpasses the intellect of those around you.

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