Break-up etiquette

[beternal]

I'm one of those people that likes to give people a chance and I'm wondering if I'm going about this the right way...

 

I'm not the sort that sees a wonky nose, annoying laugh, uneducated, or even disability and thinks *deal-breaker* - I believe that everyone has qualities that aren't always seen on a first date and therefore unless the girl does something *unforgivable* like insisting we go to a super-expensive restaurant and then crosses her arms when the bill comes, sends me a video of her and her ex having sex to show me what I have to look forward to, or is on her phone the entire first date (all have happened to me!) - then I'm usually pretty open about giving it a chance.

 

But this means that the dating period is extended and after weeks or maybe even months I realise she is not *marriage potential*. Then comes the breakup, bu which time she might have developed strong feelings for me! = heartbreak.

 

Am I going about this wrong? - I am honestly trying to give her 100% of a chance but then you just realise she's not the one and at that moment you feel like you've been using her. I'm not even talking about sex, I try to hold that off as long as I can so as NOT to rush things!

 

I guess I am just worried about being *too* picky and maybe missing out on a nice girl because I'm too quick to judge... But I'm early 30s now and I'm feeling the clock...

 

Experiences? Opinions? Advice?

[caro33]

Based on this post alone (I've just come back after a long time away and haven't read your other posts), you sound like you're being extremely sensible and reasonable. You're not rushing things, you're giving others and yourself a chance. If the dating doesn't go for years then I don't think you're wasting your or anyone else's time.

 

What makes you think you are too quick to judge - is it only because you've not found the right one yet?

[Batya33]

I think it's fine to give people a chance as long as it's not an outright dealbreaker. I've done that. My general rule of thumb was that if i didn't desire to kiss the person by the 4th date that was it (so that there was no leading on and typically a kiss happened by then so I'd know) and as far as other less than dealbreakers I would keep it in mind but enjoy getting to know the person. Dating is always a risk for everyone -the other person is an adult too. Also sometimes we need time/context to see if an issue is really one at all. I've gone outside my comfort zone and dated people who ultimately were wrong for me, for months - and yes it was that issue that was why it didn't work (for example, his ex girlfriend was about to give birth when we met and then did, or another guy was a recovering drug addict, etc.). More often the reason for the break up was something I learned later about his character/personality.

 

Your "job" is to know yourself as best you can and figure out those gray area non-dealbreakers but issues as fast as you can but also let yourself get to know the person.

 

Good luck!

[Sportster2005]

If your goal is marriage, and she isn't marriage material, then no, you aren't being too picky.

 

Be brief, upfront, and firm. Don't negotiate, don't equivocate. Be empathetic. She may initially be very angry and try to hurt you. Don't take it personal. She will get over it.