Partner and I together for 6 years. Should we break up?

[algebrajustice]

Hi there.

 

I'm at my wit's end and desperately need some perspective on my current relationship/advice on whether I should end it.

 

I am 25 and he is 26, we have been together for 6 years and known each other for 7. We have been through a huge amount together - university, travelling, living in another country, new jobs, family stuff and last year bought our first home together. We have similar interests/hobbies, great sex and compatible aims in life. However, his behaviour and his treatment of me is becoming intolerable.

 

In our first year together, he treated me like a queen. We had fights like any other couple but ultimately we were so in love and really happy. However, as our relationship progressed 'cracks' appeared - he started making inappropriate sex 'jokes' about my family members, calling me names 'in play' like stinky/smelly/ etc and imitating me like I was stupid, slow or insane. It wasn't particularly frequent for the first few years, but every time I asked him to stop he would just say 'I'm only joking' or complain that I am too serious, that he doesn't mean it and finds me really sexy and attractive. He would exhibit this behaviour but in other ways be attentive, do nice things and be there when it mattered - so it wasn't a deal breaker.

 

Once we bought our house, however, his behaviour got a worse. He hated his job and struggled with the commute (I know this isn't an excuse). The name-calling and stupid comments became constant. This has progressed to him calling me fat, telling me I don't to go the gym enough, telling me every time I eat ice cream or something to 'yes, keep eating', suggesting I put on make up when I choose not to occasionally, calling me piss lips/stinky/turd/testicle face, pointing out my chubby arms, double chin or cellulite. I am not overweight and even if I was this would not be acceptable. He then claims that this is all in jest, that I am too serious and he loves me and finds me very attractive. At the same time (he powerlifts as a hobby) he recently expects me to constantly validate his appearance by repeatedly showing me videos of big lifts and making me inspect the definition in his arms/legs. He recently started a new job which he is enjoying a lot more. I though this treatment of me would stop but it has only gotten worse.

 

What is particularly upsetting is that when I try to voice my concerns, in the past year or so he has just called me 'moany' tells me to 'shut up' in a stupid voice and/or covers my mouth if I try to say that the name-calling has to stop or mention something else that is bothering me. I do most of the cleaning and cooking, especially during the week even though we are both at work and I commute much further. He sometimes pays me compliments but these are few and far between. He used to message me from work during the day to see how I'm doing - now I don't hear from him until we are both back from work in the evening, even if I message him. Our 6 year anniversary was a few weeks ago - I mentioned that I couldn't find a suitable card after looking in a few stores, he then told me not to bother and we did nothing at all. In previous years I would have got flowers, a card etc. I appreciate that money is tight at the moment but I would have appreciate even just a few loving words to commemorate the occasion, which I told him and he just carried on playing Halo.

 

I feel totally taken for granted. His name calling is affecting my self-esteem e.g. I now don't wear sleeveless clothes because of my supposedly chubby arms. We still have sex a few times a week but this has always been the easiest thing in our relationship. Sometimes there will be days where he doesn't call me names or make stupid comments, but most of the time if he is tired, stressed or bored I am subjected to a constant tirade of name calling and silliness e.g. sex jokes about my mum. I guess some people find this stuff funny but I don't. I feel like he is very immature and what is happening may amount to emotional abuse.

 

Nothing I do makes him change. In December of last year I up and went to my parents house in the middle of the night and left him for 2 days. When I came back he was like the man I fell in love with, and treated me so well for a couple of months, until his usual behaviour started again. What is particularly frustrating is that in front of others, particularly family, he is the perfect boyfriend - kind, attentive etc, although he has made some derogatory comments about me in the past at family events. I have previously over the years said we should break up and he point blank refuses and will hold me down in a 'cuddle' until I give in and we go back to our daily lives.

 

I'm really not sure what to do as we have the house in our joint names, 50/50 share. I am interviewing for a job in a different city (commutable from here) next week and seriously thinking about leaving.

 

 

Any help would be so appreciated! Thanks x

[Krankor]

Please do leave. I don't care what his motivation may be for treating you the way he does--It's wrong and you know it's wrong.

 

The situation is a little stickier with you two jointly owning the house and all. You may have to get lawyers or a mediator involved. But, honestly, I may just be inclined in your situation to say "The house is your's. Make all the payments yourself or default on the mortgage and let the bank take it. I really couldn't care less." I mean, I'm not actually advising that. You've invested in that house and should get some sort of return. I'm just saying that if it were me I'd be willing to do that to escape a horrible relationship. You're easily young enough to start over. And when you need to come get your things I'd request a police escort.

 

Whatever you do, please don't let him suck you back into this. Nobody should have to spend their life being ridiculed, belittled, and mistreated. When he tries to lure you back with promises that he'll change, tell him you've seen his true colors enough times to know better and that he should get bent. Then block him.

[MissCanuck]

This guy is plain verbally abusive and a disrespectful jerk. This isn't love; not even close.

 

You know he's not going to change. Yes, it's far past your time to leave. Talk to a lawyer to find out what your options will be regarding the house. Dump this bully and never look back.

[Jibralta]

Not much I can add to the previous responses that you've gotten. He's mean. Make a plan for the house. Then, leave and never look back.

[ThatwasThen]

Nothing I do makes him change.

Have you tried recording him when he gets like that and then playing it back to him, packing your bags and returning to mom's? Maybe if they hear how he treats you they'd give you the support you need to do what's next.

[Rustysuit]

textbook emotional abuse. Leave before it escalates