Having trouble sleeping after break up. My story.

[Peachtea]

Trouble sleeping after breakup so just looking to write everything down

 

 

Hi out there if anyone is reading. My ex broke up with me a little under a week ago and naturally I’m still heartbroken hence why I’m waking up in the middle of the night thinking of him. Anyway, I needed somewhere to get everything off my chest. I’m not sure if this is still as active as it was a few years ago but any replies would be most welcome.

 

I’ll begin by saying that my story isn’t unique. I’m 24 and my ex is 35. We worked for the same company but in opposite ends of the country but we just seemed to work and stayed together for a year. The only reason why I made so much effort was because his parents live in the same city as me and he’s always planned to move back but could never quite make that step. Earlier this year, he came into some money and decided that beginning of next year he would finally move and we wouldn’t be long distance anymore. Under the impression we would only be in a LDR for a few more months, I patiently waited. However, he keeps finding excuses to defer moving and that brought out my insecurities. In my mind, how much longer was I supposed to keep waiting? What if he never makes that move?

 

The last month has been especially difficult, bickering about not seeing each other enough, me making all the effort to travel to see him while he never visits me (he argues that he just can’t afford it) etc but generally, we were a happy couple minus the odd spat. However last weekend we got into an argument over the phone (the only second time we’ve had a proper argument) and he simply told me he couldn’t fight anymore about this, hung up on me and texted me ‘I’m starting to think this isn’t for me’.

 

Now I would like to mention that we had planned a future together. My ex is of that age where his friends are are settling down and having children and he wants that too. We’ve started discussing buying a house together and starting a family once we’re both financially secure but as soon as possible as we were excited to have a future together and the thing I know he wants more than anything is children of his own.

 

Back to the break up, I was so confused and in shock. I replied immediately saying if that’s what he wanted. I knew he was angry so I thought after a couple of days he’d take it back, after all, breaking up with someone in such haste always seems like it would be tiger with regret eventually. The next two days I sent him one text a day, I apologised for getting angry about him not visiting me more often and I didn’t want to break up. On the third day, he texted back along the lines of:

 

-He’s sick of fighting about not making enough effort, not seeing each other enough and I need to find a man who can manage me because he can’t. He won’t be destroyed by a life time of fighting and he doesn’t need someone in his life who adds to the pressure he already has. He explained that he’s told me so many time he can’t afford to see me as often as I see him but once he moves to where I live, we’ll be living together so it didn’t matter. He said he wasn’t interested in this childish arguing (although I reliterate, this was our second argument in a year)

 

On reflection, I could have been more sympathetic but when you’re angry and you feel like the only one making any effort, it’s hard to think logically without your heart getting involved. I replied apologising for making him feel this way and I regret not being more practical. I signed off that maybe when he moves back next year, if we’re both single and we want to we can try again. I didn’t expect a reply. I had hoped to end things relatively pleasantly.

 

For me, I guess why I’m writing here is to document my break up and journey when I find myself up in the middle of the night missing him. I don’t understand how you can make plans with someone, look at houses, discuss having children, starting a family, tell them how much you love them and you never want to break up to ending things over a text message afternoon an argument. He’s 35 for gods sake! It makes me question myself and our relationship.

I won’t lie to you and say that part of me doesn’t hope we get back together because I still do love him. I truly believe the arguing stemmed from long distance but once we are living in the same city, hopefully we can try again. I’m using this breakup to work on me and to prove to myself that even if he never comes back, it’s his loss and I can be happy without him. My happiness isn’t dependent on another human being, hence why I’ve decided to go NC. I’m only on day 3 but I never have the urge to message him because I don’t want to push him away further. I think we both need space away from each other to see if we really were meant to me. In my opinion we are, and I would have fought for him but it disappoints me that when things started getting difficult, he gave up without even giving us a chance to fix and work on it. We didn’t even get a chance to talk it out which isn’t probably why I can’t let go fully, I would have liked to have been given that chance.

 

That’s my story in a nutshell. Thanks for reading if anyone is, really this is like an open journal for me to document and reflect but as I previously mentioned, replies are most welcome.

[MissCanuck]

I think he was already losing interest before the argument, but the argument was a way out.

 

Perhaps he truly couldn't afford to come see you more. Perhaps he was simply losing the desire to spend more time together. I am sorry this happened, but I think he wasn't as invested as you'd believed and realized this isn't the relationship he wants. I don't doubt that finances could make it difficult, but my sense is that money was not all there was too this. If you felt like you were the only one putting in effort, there's a reason for it.

 

People who seem to give up without trying to fix it, well, they don't want to fix it - which is the crux of this.

[Peachtea]

Thank you, MissCanuck. I’ll remember your words for next time I find it difficult to make sense of what happened. I really appreciate your view on the situation, an outsider’s perspective can really make you think of things differently. Have a lovely day!

[Thainara]

Hi Peachtea, I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope you can heal and move on soon.

 

It really sounds for me that he took this argument as an excuse to walk away from this relationship. How was the last times you've been together? Any signs or red flags? The usually show but we deny to see. So think to yourself how he behaved, if he was showing love and affection as usual.

 

Anyways, you are absolutely right about going NC. You said everything you had to say. The ball is in hi court now.

[Romanticheart1]

It's tough, I know. The ball is in his court and maybe, just maybe he will reach out to you. If not, you can't force something to work. Hugs!