Couple of questions the community

[Mikey383]

I know I posted a couple of threads already, and I do appreciate all of you that have been so helpful....

The support here is great...and I appreciate all the feedback.

 

I am on my 4th week of no contact.

 

Question 1.

- When my GF dumped me for the second time about 6 weeks ago, in her text message to me, she said that she wanted to be alone in order to sort things out, she did not want the pressures of a relationship....

-Yet a week later after dumping me, she was on Match already setting up dates, and now apparently she is in a new relationship...someone she met on Match I assume a coupe of weeks ago.... I just don't understand, how could she tell me one thing, and turn around and do another thing?

 

Question 2.

- Has anyone on here had the luck of getting your ex back for the second time? ....

- We broke up once and she came back.... This is the second time she walked out on me....

Everyone one here has told me to forget her...I am trying, but still love her very much... Just trying to see if there is a possibility of a second chance?... Obviously she is in a new relationship now...Not sure, but maybe a rebound... The first time she dated a couple of guys, but could not get into a relationship as she missed me and wanted to come back, but this time its a bit different....

 

Any comments?

[Chelsea54]

Mikey. I'm sorry you're going through this confusing time. I didn't read any of your history or old threads. But here on this site I've been told that I am holding on to my ex too long. But I can see more clearly looking at someone else. She has broken up with you twice. To stay in the relationship with you and try to think about making it better feels like pressure to her. That means something in her just doesn't want it to be fixed. And if she got herself onto match, had dates, and now a bf---it seemed she did that on purpose so that she doesn't slide back to you and so that you can give up on her. Sometimes a lot of things can be just right between a couple, but something just doesn't feel right. I wonder if you also had any of those feelings when you were with her too? If you did, think about how you dismissed those feelings. There's old logic that says something like-- if there are things about your partner that bother you in courtship, and they can't be resolved, then those problems will become magnified as time goes on.

Take some time to be by yourself to heal and treat yourself well.

[ThatwasThen]

I know its human nature to try and analyze things to death but doing this to yourself is stalling your healing, Mike.

 

Instead of putting so much focus on her and what she's doing (and whom), do something for yourself that will refocus your thoughts onto something other then her. Join a gym, take a class, take up something that will keep your brain occupied.

 

Feel better soon, it hurts now but you'll feel better in time.

[Mikey383]

Mikey. I'm sorry you're going through this confusing time. I didn't read any of your history or old threads. But here on this site I've been told that I am holding on to my ex too long. But I can see more clearly looking at someone else. She has broken up with you twice. To stay in the relationship with you and try to think about making it better feels like pressure to her. That means something in her just doesn't want it to be fixed. And if she got herself onto match, had dates, and now a bf---it seemed she did that on purpose so that she doesn't slide back to you and so that you can give up on her. Sometimes a lot of things can be just right between a couple, but something just doesn't feel right. I wonder if you also had any of those feelings when you were with her too? If you did, think about how you dismissed those feelings. There's old logic that says something like-- if there are things about your partner that bother you in courtship, and they can't be resolved, then those problems will become magnified as time goes on.

Take some time to be by yourself to heal and treat yourself well.

 

Thanks Chelsea.

Great feedback.

About a week before she dumped me for the second time, we went on a date...She then began telling me that, she was unhappy with her life, dissatisfied, something was missing and that she was her own worse enemy....I asked if we should end it, but she said No...She didnt want to... Things seemed back on track and a week later she was done...

 

To go back about 8 months back..... I had no choice but to ask her and her kids to move out of my home....I professed my love and had numerous logical conversations with her on why it was the best for both of us to live separately and then try again....My reason was: Her children were unhappy in my home....This caused my children to be unhappy. Also her children disrespected me, my home, my kids everyday... It felt as if her kids were doing this purposely....Later on I found out that yes, they never wanted to be in my home, they never saw me as someone worth anything to them...did not see my kind heart..they saw me as someone that was steeling their mom...another man that was sleeping with their mom....while I was trying so hard to connect with them the right way...they treated me like air and were pushing all my buttons....I tried to be patient...but her 2 older girls 19 and 20 walked all over me...and although I had numerous logical conversations with my EX about the behavior, my EX did nothing to correct the problem....as if she had no tools in her toolbox...she saw it all with her own eyes, but was non reactive.... That was my biggest problem with her....That her 2 older girls controlled her so much...

 

They eventually moved out, but since that day she has been hung up on that move out....In her eyes and her kids eyes, I kicked them out...But no one took a stance to admit that they contributed to the move....I was to blame...No one else admired that they were sabotaging the relationship, the family blending, and a good home environment...I was to blame and thats it....everyone else was an Angel...

 

So once she moved, that was it...I was cut off for 2 months...We did however e mail a bit....I felt guilty for what happened, so I sent apology letters to her kids (which had no effect)...I sent flowers to her work...(which had no effect)...Finally I went silent, but wanted to get her back for the right reasons, and work it out with her genuinely...In mean time she went on ZOOSK and created a profile and started dating....but apparently she wasn't getting anyone better....So the GIG syndrome was not working for her....I am sure her 2 daughters were encouraging her to date other man....as those 2 hate me...Somehow I found out that she was on ZOOSK....I sent her an e mail....And within an hour she sent me 12 e mails back....and we reconnected....She asked me on a date and we met up....she was so happy to see me...I saw it in her eyes...She cried and told me that she was so in love with me...she was honest about her dates, and told me that on each date she constantly talked about me...Finally one guy told her to go and get healed or get your man back.... And I guess when I e mailed her, that was the door way for her to come back....

 

Once she came back we made a plan....That we needed to work on us first before we tell the kids...We even worked on finding counseling, but that never happened...I changed things about me and wanted her to see a better me through actions...Things were looking good again, we were regaining a solid ground again, however her trust was still on the edge, and I found myself working hard to regain that trust...

 

Then her kids found out that we were back together...Those 2 older girls began threatening her....one moved out of her home to go and live with the grandparents...She basically told my EX...Either him or us....She hung on....But I know it was hard....Cuz this time I was no longer in her kids view, but they hated me and kept telling her that she can do better than me...I noticed that she was losing her firm stance ...and it all lasted 3 more months and boom she walked away again...sent me a text...dumped me...gave me all the BS reasons....Brought up the past (the move out from my home) etc.... Then within a week she was on Match.....and now its the new guy....

 

All together 2.5 years of being together....

 

And if you ask, how did she get her way to move into my home?

 

Well, after a year of dating (which she chased me like crazy) and fell in love with me..so she claimed.... She wanted us so badly to be together, she was ready to settle down and start her life with me....etc.. So she pushed me, and pushed me to do this.... I had my doubt's and my walls were up for a bit....But she worked to bring them down....I wanted to wait a bit longer.... But she was pushy...So I took on her and her 4 kids and opened my home to them ...I also have 2 kids....So my home was full of people non stop...But like I said..Her kids created a bad environment and she was helpless.....

[Mikey383]

Mikey. I'm sorry you're going through this confusing time. I didn't read any of your history or old threads. But here on this site I've been told that I am holding on to my ex too long. But I can see more clearly looking at someone else. She has broken up with you twice. To stay in the relationship with you and try to think about making it better feels like pressure to her. That means something in her just doesn't want it to be fixed. And if she got herself onto match, had dates, and now a bf---it seemed she did that on purpose so that she doesn't slide back to you and so that you can give up on her. Sometimes a lot of things can be just right between a couple, but something just doesn't feel right. I wonder if you also had any of those feelings when you were with her too? If you did, think about how you dismissed those feelings. There's old logic that says something like-- if there are things about your partner that bother you in courtship, and they can't be resolved, then those problems will become magnified as time goes on.

Take some time to be by yourself to heal and treat yourself well.

 

Also to answer what bothered me about her:

-She has no ability to resolve confrontation...I don't mean an argument..Just a logical discussion about family issues...She shuts down....Does not have the tools to resolve a problem...

 

-She has very low self esteem and no ambition...

Not trying to be rude about her, but she had numerous job issues and I was there for her to push her along, to get herself finally a better job.

 

- she is controlled by her kids...

She is a push over and a people pleaser....

Her kids take advantage of that and manipulate her...

However she is a manipulator as well...

 

-she is not a good mom...

Her kids have a lot of issues...

Her son is Autistic but she is in denial about it..

The 19 year old girl has a social anxiety depression.. You have no idea how bad that is until you live with someone likethat...ughhh....Of course my EX was in denial about that also...I was the one concerned, so I forced my EX to take the girl to see a counselor...

Imagine living with a teen that won't go to school, sleeps all day and is up all night...Once she crawls out of bed at 7pm she then has the attitude of a Volcano....plus the looks on her face....yeah those looks can kill... But to my EX those issues are normal.....

 

The reason why the kids hate men is because after her divorce about 9 years ago, she never took the time to heal, but rather men have come and gone non stop.....none of them committed...and because she is the full custody holder of her kids...well, those kids have learned that all men are scum...including me....I was the first to show commitment, but it was not welcomed....Also my EX is in this constant perpetual stage of trying to find someone to give her this better than OK life....Which is selfish on her part, because her priorities are men and not those kids...So might as well be neglect...That is why those 2 older girls dictate her life, chase men off, and keep telling her that she can do so much better....better than him or him.....and she is over her head trying to please her kids, but can't find happiness for herself....

I was very good to her...Believe me, I cared....Cared more than any other guy....I even put a plan together....I even recognized that her Son 16 and her Daughter 19 might not be able to function in society on their own...So I was prepared for those 2 to be permanent residents... And she knows that those 2 will struggle with life....Yet she has made bad choices...And again she is doing it.

[Mikey383]

Mikey. I'm sorry you're going through this confusing time. I didn't read any of your history or old threads. But here on this site I've been told that I am holding on to my ex too long. But I can see more clearly looking at someone else. She has broken up with you twice. To stay in the relationship with you and try to think about making it better feels like pressure to her. That means something in her just doesn't want it to be fixed. And if she got herself onto match, had dates, and now a bf---it seemed she did that on purpose so that she doesn't slide back to you and so that you can give up on her. Sometimes a lot of things can be just right between a couple, but something just doesn't feel right. I wonder if you also had any of those feelings when you were with her too? If you did, think about how you dismissed those feelings. There's old logic that says something like-- if there are things about your partner that bother you in courtship, and they can't be resolved, then those problems will become magnified as time goes on.

Take some time to be by yourself to heal and treat yourself well.

So...I guess, I better give up then?....

I get what you are saying....I guess she does not want to slide back to me...

Then why did she have a mutual friend checking up on me last weekend? And I caught that quickly and shut that down... She had him asking me if I was seeing anyone already and if I was at home all bummed out, crying etc....Also he tried to text me a photo of her with her new BF....but I rejected it all and my answer was that I was just fine doing my own thing.....I caught him and scolded him a bit to stay out of it..He backed off...And hasn't been texting me....But it was sure a way to find out where I am at in my life, or to get a reaction out of me...

[Mikey383]

I know its human nature to try and analyze things to death but doing this to yourself is stalling your healing, Mike.

 

Instead of putting so much focus on her and what she's doing (and whom), do something for yourself that will refocus your thoughts onto something other then her. Join a gym, take a class, take up something that will keep your brain occupied.

 

Feel better soon, it hurts now but you'll feel better in time.

 

That's the plan.

I guess I will have to find ways to keep myself going....

At this point, I don't even feel that I want to date anyone...

Part of me want's to get out and meet new women, and the other part feels that I rather just not...Not for a while.

-I guess it was easy for her to do that...

-Shows that this meant something to me, and I guess nothing to her...

-IDK, I believe in working things out and trying to fix issues, and giving things a try when you love someone...

-I guess she did not love me, if it was so easy to walk away and so easy to jump on someone else...

-I guess she does not even care about me....

[DancingFool]

You probably don't want to hear this, but need to anyway. This woman and women like her are users. They don't have/feel emotions that you have, however, they can fake them in order to lure you in. They look at men like you as a commodity - she'll use you for as long as it's convenient for her and the going is easy and she'll move on to the next one as quickly as possible. If she feels anything at all, it's the sheer pleasure and a high in her capacity to manipulate various men into taking her in, buying her things, etc, etc, etc.

 

You literally need to block and, as suggested above, get busy with your own life. Connect with your friends, make new ones, get out and do different things just for the sake of it. Break up your routine and start having fun again. When you are ready, you'll hopefully meet a nice sane woman while you are out doing things you enjoy. Then, when you are with someone who is actually sane, you'll look back and realize how effed up things were with this one and how you are actually happy you are not still neck deep in her brand of chaos.