Been out of the game for nearly a decade; having a hard time trying to meet someone again

[Suff310]

So I haven't been with a girl for nearly 10 years, and it's been so long because after my ex left me I started to stop caring about myself and gained 50 more pounds than what I originally was. I stopped caring about my self image and got really insecure about ever finding someone again. I couldn't even be near females without getting bad anxiety...

 

Anyhow, this year has been one of the better ones in recent years for me because I have lost over 150 pounds and started to rebuild my confidence again. However, I still feel insecure about myself even though I notice that I get compliments from time to time or that girls will approach me when that didn't happen before. However, I still feel like I'm not very attractive despite experiencing some of these things and it's sort of ruining my motivation overall that I'm gaining some weight back; I gained back 7 pounds this past month.

 

I got a new job about 3 months ago in retail so I do work with a lot of females and even started to have a crush on one of my co workers that I told her how I felt and we started to talk outside of work for about 2 months now. We have gone on a few dates already and we both agreed to just get to know each other better. We talk on the phone every day (mostly about work) and I have met her eldest child of 3 so we are getting to know each other better. However, I feel like she's playing me or using me because she still doesn't want to be in a relationship and only comes to see me when I give her things... the first week was much different she was nicer, but now she's always yelling at me and not talking to me as much as before. What sucks is that she's also very talkative so she tends to flirt with other guys in front of me at work and I'm the sort of person that gets jealous despite not even being with her so I now feel like I want to quit my job. I really like her though, she is very caring overall and I can rely on her when I need someone to talk to so it's hard to decide if she really likes me or not. Nevertheless, I don't know if I believe her or not that she likes me because she's not very affectionate towards me.

 

There's a few other girls that I've been talking to but nothing serious but it seems that whenever I do try to be more than friends I always end up ruining it and I'm starting to think that I just don't know how to talk to girls...

 

What should I do? Should I give up hope? Try to meet someone else? Because it's hard to meet women on dating sites when you're not even getting a response back.

 

Thanks for your time and god bless.

[Jibralta]

Congratulations on all of the progress that you've made!

 

I think you should give up on the girl from work. She doesn't want to be in a relationship, and she isn't treating you very well anyway! If she's a good ear when you have something on your mind, ok. But draw the line there.

 

You have to find a way to be more forgiving of yourself. Your self ridicule doubtlessly comes through to other people, and that is probably what is getting in your way when it comes to dating. You've come a long way, and that's something to be proud of. Don't let other people treat you bad. You deserve better.

 

I have a good friend who spiraled after her boyfriend left her. She got down in the dumps about herself, gained weight, and stopped trying. And that stuff just compounded and compounded. It's been FIFTEEN YEARS now--AT LEAST. And she's still stuck. She's an awesome person. I love spending time with her, but she's got so many walls up against relationships and she doesn't even realize it.

 

At least you're trying. Things will definitely get better for you. But you have to take care of yourself first. Don't let people treat you bad. Don't settle just to be with someone. Be patient (difficult) and hold out for a good one. In the mean time, try to just get to know women without the 'relationship' agenda. In time, you'll learn more about approaching women, and you may even make some good friends in the process.